As usual, disclaimer. I own and/or gain nothing. Just the fun, and an outlet for my crazy ramblings.
Second, long chappie. So be warned.
Third, musie loves reviews.
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Heavy chapter.
Again, I feel I need to apologize for the delay between chappies, but unfortunately, my health has not improved all that much, and as I've told you before, you only deserve the best, and I feared I would give you something lacking quality or depth. I hope this makes up for everything.
I need to thank every single person who has dropped a line, a comment, has added me to their alerts… Your support means the world to me. This is all for you.
Her recovery was going as fast as it could, given the circumstances, and the doctors were quite pleased as she started to regain more and more of her strength, but as her body slowly progressed the path towards healing, she had entered a silent demeanor that had Booth on edge.
After the sweet, passionate kiss they had shared, he had seriously thought things would be back on track, and though he wasn't stupid or naïve enough to believe they would start right where they left off before their partnership, their friendship and their love had gone to hell in a hand basket, he hadn't expected her to… retreat so fast.
He couldn't pinpoint what was happening, but he was terrified, a sense of dread running through his blood every time their eyes met. It was definitely confusing, as she continued to be affectionate, and she almost always smiled at him, thanking him for every single thing he did, but at the same time she had grown so silent he was terrified she was about to take it all back. After finally confessing how hurt she truly was by the way he had treated her, and they had shed some light on the events that had led them to this point, the state of things at this moment could be compared to what happened when you were going at full speed through a highway, and suddenly your car stopped, and for the life of you, you couldn't find what was wrong.
Knowing her for so long had taught him that when she was this pensive, it was more than reasonable to be scared. This silent demeanor, however, had been broken when he had finally brought Parker to visit, and his son had tearfully and strongly embraced her, thanking her for "being his hero and saving his life from the bad lady". She wasn't curt or rude, but she didn't really engage in conversation as animatedly as she always did. He thought it was aimed only towards him, but she behaved exactly the same with Max, so he decided not to take it personally, but he was scared nonetheless. When the rest of the team visited she was polite, but he could see a hint of gratefulness whenever they finally exited her room, and she was free of their well-intentioned, yet slightly smothering attentions. Only Parker had prompted the first real smile from her lips, and she had answered his every question and inquired of his school and science activities. This was the only time when he had seen her openly engage with any of them, and he was amazed at how little it took for Parker to break her shell. Her lively demeanor had continued, but it wasn't as noticeable.
3 days after she had woken up and been moved to her private room, they were watching some daytime movie that was on, but he could see she wasn't truly paying any attention, as her gaze was lost somewhere outside the window. He desperately wanted to ask her what was wrong, but he truly didn't want to give up this silent calm that had fallen between them, thankful that at least, she hadn't asked him to leave her alone. He truly expected her to freeze him out, but her openness and forgiveness had both humbled and astonished him.
A tap on the door broke him from his musings, and he could see the doctor that had been treating her standing in the doorway.
She plastered a polite smile on her face for the man, and he entered the room, "Temperance, how are you feeling today?", he asked, and turning to Booth, he gave him a polite nod, "Agent Booth", he responded in kind, and they both waited for her to reply.
"A bit tired, though I believe it's still the residual effects from my blood loss. I haven't sleep so deeply, as my neck prevents me from assuming a more comfortable position than just being on my back but overall, I feel much better", she replied, and the man smiled at her.
"I am glad to hear that. Considering your speedy recovery, I think it' safe to allow you to go home. I know you've been dying to leave this place", she nodded eagerly, "However, I want you to rest for a few days, so the strain on your neck muscles is avoided, and it heals faster. Considering that, I would strongly recommend that you didn't go home alone, that someone helped you out, for at least 2 or 3 days, so you don't feel tempted to overdo it", he stared into her eyes, "Besides, if pain grows, you could trigger a vagal reflex and pass out. In these cases it's best to err in the way of caution".
She bit her lip unconsciously in that way Booth knew meant that she was making a decision, and wasn't very happy with her choices.
"Is that absolutely necessary?", she asked, and the doctor nodded.
"I don't like speaking in absolutes, Temperance", the man had already gathered that from every conversation where he had updated her on her progress, "But you went through something incredibly straining, and I know you're still feeling the effects. Though we transfused you, it takes some time for the body to recover from such a major event, and if you take it slow your recovery will go much faster, though we both know that it's going quite well already", he stated.
"If you don't mind, I would like to go through my options, ok? I don't want to make hasty decisions", her tone, even if it was polite, it was filled with the finality of someone who refused to speak about the subject further, and the doctor must have got it, because he didn't press for more. She had agreed to think about it, and it was exactly what he wanted.
"That's fine. I will come by before my shift ends later in the afternoon, and depending on your decision, I was thinking of discharging you tomorrow. Besides, I feel you'll be more comfortable at your home, and there's nothing you've been doing here that you can't do there. Keep the good work, and we'll take later. Bye, Agent Booth", he said, looking into Booth's direction, and Booth barely had time to acknowledge the pleasantry before he was out of shot.
He couldn't help himself, and gave in to the need to ask, "Bones, what is there to think about? The decision is quite easy, from where I'm standing", he said, and she stared into his eyes for long moments, before letting her head fall back to her pillow slowly and sighing deeply. When she opened her eyes, she fixed them on the ceiling, knowing that what she was about to say would probably sting a bit, and she refused to look into his eyes while she did so.
"Booth, it can seem quite easy, but it's not in my custom to assume that the people that are close to me can be on my beck and call whenever I need them to. I asked for some time so I can perhaps consider hiring a nurse for the time slot the doctor suggested before I fully regain my independence", he swallowed as he could see the reality behind her words.
"Bones", the wave of immense sadness that engulfed him could be heard on his voice, "You're saying that you doubt that your friends, the people who love you, would be willing to help you out when you need them the most?", she turned her eyes to him, and shook her head.
"Booth, I can only speak from the evidence I've had from these months, and from facts. Cam has responsibilities towards Michelle, Angela and Hodgins are preparing themselves for the arrival of their child, and I wouldn't dream of imposing on a pregnant woman, considering how demanding on the body it can be for caring for someone who's recovering from an injury, and I certainly won't add to the stress she's already feeling by her impending motherhood. Russ is caught up with Hayley, who's had a setback, and is on bed rest herself, and I know he appreciates having Dad close by when things are so rough-going. I just don't like to assume… things", she said softly.
"Bones", Booth's eyes were filled with tears, "What about me?", she knew what he wasn't saying, and gave him an equally sad look.
"Booth, we can't deny that the past months we were trying to pretend we were still friends, while we stopped doing everything friends are supposed to do", seeing his saddened eyes, she added, "I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, because I honestly believe, as I've told you, that you had the right to fight for your happiness. However, it did hurt, Booth, it hurt knowing that I couldn't turn to you for help or guidance. When I went to Woodland that night, I was truly scared, because I would have never dared going there alone before, but I hesitated, Booth. I was about to dial your phone before I headed there, and I realized I felt I had not right to do it, to ask for your help, or your company. That's why I was so surprised to see you there, and perhaps my fate would have been the same as Dr. Eames, being hit by a car, and seeing you there when I had lost all hope is what made me blurt out… you know what", she inhaled heavily, "You've been here, and your presence has been comforting, but… I can't just jump on this wagon. I am still afraid, Booth. I don't know how to let go of the fear that is inside of me. For long, I trusted that you wouldn't leave me, and I felt lonelier here than I did in Maluku, because I had to accept I had to adjust to so many changes, and you weren't… the same you", she could see the shame on his eyes, which were downcast, and she moved her hand to his cheek, effectively startling him, and making him meet his eyes.
"I don't blame you, Booth. I never did. I never will. But I need time to learn to trust you with my… metaphorical heart again, but I want to, I desperately want to do that, for the both of us", his gaze was filled with agony, with regret, but also with hope at her last words, and she didn't know what to add to make him feel better, but she was literally saved by the bell as Max strolled in, holding some paper bags filled with their lunch, as she had complained that hospital food was not to her liking.
Max had been seeing them for some moments, and he could sense the tension between them. Listening to her last words, he knew that Booth must feel hurt and guilty, but if there was something both men had learned is that no matter what, she couldn't be rushed to meet their desires. Ever since she was a little girl, she had set her own pace, and she didn't change it, for anyone. Besides, it was a huge step in the right direction that she had stated she wanted to be able to embark on a relationship with him in the future, no matter when that would be.
"Hey guys", they both turned to him, and he could see something akin to gratefulness in his daughter's eyes, knowing he had saved her from continuing to wound the man that was so valiantly and determinedly trying to make amends, "Got to tell ya, Booth, that Sid does know his business. He gave me exactly what I wanted. My mouth has been watering the whole way here", he picked the tray and started arranging everything for them.
Small talk began, Max trying to liven the mood, and succeeding only partially, as they seemingly were too busy with their food, while they were both fooling around with their plates.
"So, hon, has the doctor come to visit while I was away?", he asked, and she nodded softly.
"Yes. Actually, he came to tell me I could be discharged tomorrow, but he wants to do so knowing that I will have some company for a few days, while I recover. I didn't give him an answer, as I am considering my options", she said matter-of-factly, and Max hid his wince. Ouch, that must have hurt Booth, but knowing his baby girl, he knew she wasn't about to run into the sunset with Booth before they fixed the cracks that had appeared in their relationship as friends, partners, and as possible… whatever they were, or would be.
"Honey", Max smiled gently, "If you want me to, and don't think it's a burden to have me around, I would love to care for you. It's not every day that I can help you, and I would be so glad, so honored to do that", there was so much longing in his eyes that she couldn't help but smile. Even though at some point, both men before her had abandoned her, in their own particular way, it felt good to feel loved and cared for. And she couldn't help remembering that once in her lifetime, she had been a daddy's girl.
"I…", she sighed, and gave Max a quiet, reserved smile, "If it doesn't bother you or alter your schedule, I would appreciate that. And before I do this, I promise I will try to be as accommodating as I can, and not burden you too much with the imposition of caring for me. I was considering a nurse, but Booth has got me thinking that perhaps turning to family is the best option", Max smiled brightly while Booth looked pleasantly surprised by her words.
"But if you do and get too difficult, I can ask Booth here to help me keep you in check, can't I?", Max teased and she saw his attempts to lighten the mood, thankful that at least one of them had his head clear enough to see past the pain and start building bridges that lead to healing, and even to happiness.
She also saw Booth's expectant look behind the pain he was trying to hide at the last words she had said before Max had come in. Brutal honesty was hard to handle, but they had been lying for so long they had to go for this approach if they wanted to truly salvage their relationship, and move to where they had never gone before.
She answered her father's question, but her eyes were on Booth as she spoke, "Yes, Dad. You can", Booth reached for her hand and squeezed it, relieved that she was giving him this, that she wasn't closing the door on him or trying to rebuild her walls.
Max again took it upon himself to lighten the mood, and he engaged them in talk of sports and Parker, giving them both the breathing room they needed, until they realized it was already night, and time for one of them to leave. She suspected he was stalling his leaving for her. The doctor had already been informed of her decision when he had come for his night rounds, and he promised to discharge her early the next day.
His cell phone had rang, and if she hadn't been so attuned to him, she would have missed that it was Rebecca he was talking to. When he hung up, his face had a tortured look to it, and she knew she had to make another choice for him again.
"Is everything ok, Booth? By the way, you should be going, I guess this is your weekend with Parker. Aren't you supposed to be picking him up now?", he looked sheepish when he replied.
"Actually, I am, and that was Rebecca, guilt-tripping me since I am a bit late. But don't worry, she's not doing it out of the kindness of her heart, she has a seminar this weekend in Chicago, and she needs me to take Parker a bit sooner, but I told her I was with you", she shook her head, but plastered a soft smile on her face so he didn't take her words the wrong way. If there was something she loved about Booth was his devotion to his son, and how good a father he was to Parker.
"Despite the fact that her personal interests are at stake, you should still comply, not for you, but for Parker. After everything that's happened, he needs the normalcy you can give him. And if she wants you to pick him today, you should take advantage of the extra hours she's giving you with him. We both know how much you crave for more time with your son, Booth", he grasped her hand between his, and softly replied,
"Bones, you need me here", she raised her free hand, and caressed his jaw gently, shaking her head again, "I have my dad, Booth. He will take care of me, and I know he will be thrilled that I am letting him spend the night with me. It will make me feel so much better to know that you aren't foregoing any time with your little boy on my account", seeing the scared look he was trying to hide, she continued her soothing motion with her thumb, caressing his stubble, which felt surprisingly comforting on her skin, "Trust me, I am not asking you to go because I want to hide from us, or to ban you from my room ok?", her eyes were so honest and so open it was impossible of him to deny that she was in fact asking him to go because they both knew how much it meant to him that he was getting a precious extra hours with his boy.
"But I'll be here tomorrow", he said determinedly, and she chuckled lightly.
"From what I've gathered, I will be discharged tomorrow morning. Perhaps you can come over to my place, and we can order some take out, and hang out in the afternoon. Dad will love to see Parker", they both knew how close her father and his son had gotten, sharing a love for mischief "in the name of scientific exploration", as they had justified their somewhat risky experiments that never failed to bring them fun.
Booth sighed regretfully, but knew she was making sense. "Ok, so I'll be at your place at noon, so you have time to settle properly. Are you sure you want Parker to go to your place? He can be a whirlwind", she nodded.
"I always want to see him, Booth. Besides, he's a very polite, well-mannered young boy, and he won't hurt me or upset me", he beamed at her, and let out a sigh as he stood. He stared at her for long moments before he bent his body and pressed a soft, tender kiss against her forehead, letting his lips longer a bit more than necessary, basking in the fact that her skin felt pleasantly warm instead of the icy cold of previous days.
"I'll see you tomorrow Bones", and he wanted to add, I love you, but knew it wasn't time yet to voice those emotions, even if they both knew they both felt it. He knew that when they said it, they didn't want those words to be tainted with heartbreak or regret.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Booth, Hug Parker for me tonight", she said, and with a smile, he left, as he found Max on the door and they exchanged goodbye.
"So, ready for a Clara Bow marathon?", Max smiled, holding a bag of movies in his hand, making her smile truthfully at him, glad to have him there for the road ahead.
B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B
As promised, the doctor came first thing in the morning, and discharged her. After receiving her prescriptions and Max signed off her release forms, they were on their way to her place.
Her head felt dizzy and her body was tired after so many days of lying down, but she was glad she could finally go to a place where she felt truly comfortable and at ease.
Max had dutifully helped her sit on the couch, and when she commented that perhaps he would need to go buy groceries, he sheepishly told her that Angela and Cam had seen to that, stocking her kitchen of all the things they knew she loved. He also added that Sweets and Hodgins had bought her the latest documentaries, so she had something worthwhile watching on the new TV they had all gotten her. She was humbled by their thoughtfulness, and again, she was hit by Sweets' words during the Eames case. You are not alone in this world. The difference was that, for the first time, she believed it, that it no longer felt like empty words.
After calling them all, and confirming it was ok to visit, though the next day, since she had been advised to take it slow this first day, and thanking them profusely for the gestures of comfort, she had hung up, and found a comfortable position, perched on her couch, taking advantage of the many cushions her father had set so she could settle comfortably.
"At the risk of sounding repetitive, what's got you thinking so hard, hon?", Max asked, as he entered the living room with two steaming mugs of the fruit tea she loved. She gratefully took one, and wrapped her hands around the mug, letting its warmth infuse her clammy hands.
"I was thinking… I would like to go away, Dad", seeing his scared look, she quickly amended, "Don't worry, Dad. I'm not thinking of running away, but I would like some quiet time, away from here, somewhere… nice", she sighed, "Actually, I was thinking…", she bit her lower lip, and Max quickly asked, "What, honey? Tell me".
"You remember that beach where you and Mom used to take us when we were little? I've always wanted to go there, but… I wasn't very clear on its whereabouts", she replied, and Max smiled, though she could see he was a little confused.
"Honey, surely I could take you there, but… why? I mean, I would have thought that you wanted to get away… from the memories", she set down her mug on the coffee table, and reached for his hand.
"My mistake has been running from my past, and it has… tainted everything, it has tainted my future, and my choices. Perhaps the happy memories I associate with that place will help me heal", Max bent and kissed her cheek, staring into her eyes, filled with emotions.
"If that's what you want, I will arrange everything. How soon do you want to leave?", he asked.
"Monday, if possible. I would prefer that it was tomorrow, but I don't want to deny my friends of the chance to visit me, as I've come to accept they're quite worried about me still, and want to see for themselves that I'm ok", Max nodded, and stroked her cheek.
"I will search for my phonebook, and arrange everything", she nodded, and with that, he quickly left to make the necessary calls.
She was doubtful for a moment, thinking perhaps she was unconsciously trying to mask a desire to run from all the emotions she had been forced to face, but as she analyzed them, she realized she needed a small break to find the strength to stop running, and embrace her new life with an open heart, without fear. She owed it to herself, and to him.
B&B&B&B&&BB
Max had devoted himself to making Mac 'n' Cheese, following her every instruction so it turned out exactly the way she cooked it, and wonderful smells were coming from the kitchen already when two knocks on her door startled her. She knew them by heart, years of hearing those same determined knocks every morning and on many late nights.
"I'll go", Max said, and walked pass her to open, a cheery "Grandpa Max!" filling the air, as Max bent to hug the eager 10 year-old, "You grow by the minute, Parko!", Max replied cheerfully as well, beaming at the little boy, who didn't hesitate to put his arms around Max's neck happily.
"Hey, Booth", Max smiled encouragingly at the man, who, in sharp contrast to his son, seemed to hesitate to walk past the threshold, instantly putting him at ease.
"Hey, Max", Max stood to the side, letting them walk inside, closing the door behind him.
"Bones!", Parker rushed to her side, but before he could reach her, Booth commandingly stilled him, "Careful, Parker. Bones is still hurt, you have to be gentle", he said, and Parker immediately slowed his pace, and walked to her side.
"Can I.. Can I hug you, Bones?", Parker asked timidly, and she smiled tenderly, holding out her arms to him in silent invitation, and the little boy eagerly moved into her embrace, resting his head on the swell of her chest, her elegant finger running through his messy curls.
He hid his face against her chest, and she bent her head to brush her lips against his sandy blond curls, "You never have to ask me for permission to hug me, Parker", she said, holding his little frame against her, "I've been told hugs are the best medicine ever".
"I won´t stop hugging you ever, Bones", the little boy vowed, and hid his face in her bosom, happy to be held so tenderly by the woman he adored.
Booth's heart swelled with love. For a woman who had claimed once that she would never be a mother, that she wasn't good with children, seeing her so openly giving him her love, in the most motherly way she could, made him realize that he hadn't needed her to change because she hadn't changed, she had only needed to learn to let herself love freely and fearlessly.
Staring over Parker's curls, she met his eyes, and smiled softly, "Hey", she said, and he replied with an equally soft, "Hey, Bones", a million words passing between them.
"Are you feeling better today?", Parker asked from his spot on her chest, and she smiled, rising him a bit so she could stare into eyes as brown as his father's.
"As a matter of fact, I am. Though I still feel tired, which is normal, as I eat properly and rest, my body is regaining its strength", she explained, earning her a relieved smile from the little boy. She knew he was still scared, that seeing her hurt had impressed him greatly, and she knew that reasonably, a part of him would still be scared, "Besides, that hug you just gave me? I feel myself healing by the minute", Parker beamed at her praise.
"Bones, we brought a movie. It's great. It's about a man who is evil, and wants to steal the moon, but he has to take care of three little girls, and they think he's not so bad", he started rambling, making all the adults chuckle at his lively words and cheerful attitude that never failed to lighten the mood.
"What do you say we have lunch first, and then we all settle down to watch it?", Max suggested, and his curls bounced as he nodded.
"Yes, Grandpa Max. I am soooooo hungry! And it smells great!", he added, smiling brightly, to which Max replied.
"That's because it's Tempe' secret recipe", Parker looked confused.
"Tempe?", Max laughed softly at the question, "Tempe is mine and Russ' nickname for Temperance", he explained.
Parker looked pensive for a moment, before replying, "I think I like Bones better", their hearts smiled at the innocence in his remark.
"Me too, bub", replied Booth, brown meeting blue endlessly until Max called them to the kitchen and they were forced to part ways.
B&B&B&B&B
Lunch was filled with laughter, and she was thankful for Parker's unstoppable rants, since they were giving her the time she needed to gather her thoughts and find her footing in the maelstrom of emotions threatening to overwhelm her.
After Max shooed them away from the kitchen, claiming that the cleaning would also be on his tab for the day, they sat in front of the TV, and after Booth arranged everything, they settled, with Parker between their bodies, snuggling close to the woman who had saved him, and whom he implicitly trusted.
He was focused on seeing them, Parker's head perched on her lap as her hands again stroked his curls, feet on his lap. He smiled as he realized that her gentle ministrations had put his little boy to a deep sleep. It seemed that Booth men were helpless before the pull she presented, and his soft snores filled the air.
"I guess the sugar rush of the ice cream wore off", she said softly, and Booth smiled.
"Nah", Booth said tenderly, "Can't blame the little guy. That spot seems quite comfortable", she blushed a pretty pink, but her hands never stopped her gentle caress as Parker turned on his side, and hid his face against her stomach, searching for her warmth, "I can't remember the last time I saw him so… peaceful. He never does that, not even with Rebecca", Booth said, earning her another shy smile.
"It seems he's finally over the shock of everything that happened", she commented, and he nodded.
"Kids are very resilient, Bones, and right now, right there, he feels safe and secure. He knows he's with people who would do anything for him", he smiled encouragingly.
"There's nothing I wouldn't do for him", she said, her eyes focused on the tiny face of the sleeping boy embracing her middle section so tenderly, "I'm very glad that he's come out of this practically unscathed".
"Oh Bones, and you claimed you weren't good with kids", he teased, and she smiled at his praise.
"Perhaps I am good with him because he's your son", she replied, and he smiled.
"Booth men are genetically engineered to love you, Bones", her chest swelled with warmth at his heartfelt words.
"Though that would be impossible, as you can´t genetically engineer someone to like or love others, I understand the sentiment", their eyes locked, and it was only Max coming in the room which made them look away.
The rest of the afternoon went pretty much the same way, the four of them joking around and basically focusing on Parker, and Booth and Brennan engaging in their silent stares, a feeling of tentative peace engulfing them all, making them feel like indeed they were a family, as Parker told them his dad was taking him to the zoo to see "all the animals", his excitement contagious and soul-lifting.
Of course, the time for them to leave came, and Parker whined as Booth announced they had to go home to let Bones rest.
"But Daaaaad", Parker tried to give his father the puppy eyes that almost always helped him get whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it, and despite Booth's own desire to spend the night, but mostly, to care for her, and keep her in his arms, he knew she needed time to sort her emotions, and for all purposes, so did he. They had a second, well, third chance to mend things, and he wasn't about to let it go to waste.
"Parker, I know you want to stay, but Bones needs her rest, so she can get better, faster", he explained, and Max quickly added, "That's true, bud. Tempe needs to go to bed so she can rest and her body can heal".
"Bones, do you also have bedtime?", he asked, and she chuckled, shaking her head.
"Actually, I don't, but my dad and your dad don't agree very much with my sleeping habits, as they believe I work too hard, and they are partially right", giving them a stern look that clearly said, Be careful to say a single word because this is only for Parker, "As in this moment, I do need my rest so I can regain my energy, and so do you. I promise…", she wasn't about to lie, so she tried to find the words that eased him without giving him false hope, "That we'll see each other soon, so you can teach me about another movie you think I need to learn about, ok?", she said, and he embraced her, though gently, mindful of her condition.
"I love you, Bones", his innocent words touched her deeply, and she breathed to stem the moisture in her eyes, not wanting to scare Parker with her emotional state.
"I love you too, bud. Sleep tight, and be good to your Dad", she whispered, getting a kiss in response.
Booth saw the emotion in her eyes, and settle for squeezing her hand, and bending to kiss her cheek, "Sleep tight, Bones", her lips curved in a gentle smile, and replied, "You too, Booth. See you soon", after another lingering look, father and son left.
Max closed the door, and couldn't refrain from asking, "Why didn't you tell him, Tempe?", she inhaled deeply.
"Because if I did, he wouldn't have let me go, Dad, and I… I need to face this, without him, at least for a while", she said, a sad smile playing on her lips before she slowly made her way to her room.
Sunday was pretty much the same, her squint family making sure her spirits remained high. Angela and Jack, Cam, Sweets, Wendell, Arastoo and Vincent telling them tell of their latest experiments, and keeping her updated on everything, also joking and filling her apartment with laughter.
When she excused herself and went to her room, Angela took it upon herself to follow.
She braced her hands on her vanity, and stared at her reflection. She didn't look as poorly, her color had improved slightly, but the bandage on her neck was a reminder of how close she had come, yet again.
She saw Angela's reflection on the mirror, and slowly turned with a "Hey, Ange".
"I'm sorry, Sweetie. I know that everything has been so overwhelming, and perhaps we all pushed you too hard, you were supposed to be resting instead of playing host", she shook her head.
"No, Ange. I'm glad you're here. It's nice to have my family close, to know how much you all care", she replied, and Angela smiled.
"Of course we do, Sweetie!", the smile waned from her lips, "I know there's something wrong. Call it mother's intuition, but there's more, right?", she asked, and she followed Brennan, who sat on the edge of her bed, and sat next to her, reaching for her delicate hand, "Tell me. I promise I won't tell a soul", staring into her friend's warm brown eyes, she decided to trust her.
"I am leaving", Angela gasped, and she hastily explained, "I am not leaving for good, but… I've realized I need a bit of time away, perhaps a week or two. I am not leaving alone either, my father is coming with me. What happened has made me realize that at a deeper level, there are things from my past that have prevented me from embracing my future, and I… I deserve more than that. I don't want to let my future be shadowed by what happened to me. It has already… stolen many things from me, and if I want to live my life to the fullest, I need to find a way to let go. I hope the silence and the change of scenery will help me do that", she finished.
"For someone who claims to hate psychology, that was very psychological. Sweets would be very proud of you", Angela teased, and bumped her shoulder lightly.
"There is another thing", Bren said, moving to her vanity, and opening a drawer, an envelope in hand, "We're leaving tomorrow, at 6am. I need you to give this to Booth", Angela could see the elegant handwriting of her friend on the envelope with a single Booth written, and her heart jumped in fear.
"Bren…", Brennan shook her head and again sat next to her friend, "He won't let me leave, and he will take it the wrong way. I tend to say the wrong thing, most of times, and I am quite articulate on paper. I thought it would be best if I did it this way", she said softly. She had spent 2 hours trying to find the right words so he understood she wasn't leaving him, but that she needed a bit of time and space to heal, in all ways.
"You know this will hurt him. I know he thinks you two are doing better", Brennan nodded at her friend's words, "And perhaps he treated you terribly, and I wanted to slug him sometimes, but after everything that's happened, even I think the poor guy deserves a break. He did leave his girlfriend for you", Angela added.
"I know, Ange, and you are right, but I need to leave, and I know I won't be strong enough if I stare into his eyes one more time. I feel it too, Ange, that we're finally mending all the bridges that were broken, but if I see him, my resolve to leave will fade, and I've come to realize I definitely need this. For me. For him. He needs someone who can love him without the shadow of the past and fear messing everything up. I need it, Ange, and somehow he needs for me to do it, as well", she reiterated, and Angela, who had tears in her eyes, nodded resignedly, taking the white envelope and hiding it in her jacket.
"So I guess I have to give him this before he sends a search party, but when you're far away enough that he can't look for you?", Brennan nodded.
"I'm sorry, Ange. I don't want to impose on you, but it's what needs to be done, if Booth and I ever expect to find some peace", they embraced for long moments.
"Promise you'll let me know how you're doing, even if it's just a text with a simple, "I'm ok, and I'm alive", again Brennan nodded.
"I promise, Ange, a text every now and then so you're not worried. I wouldn't add to your already raging hormones and mood swings, making you worry needlessly", Angela raised an eyebrow, but chuckled.
"Thank you, Sweetie. We should go before they come looking, or worse, before Sweets starts analyzing you", they both stood, and went to the living room, their smiles betraying nothing of the serious conversation of moments before.
B&B&B&&B&B&B&B
After visiting her on Saturday, he had felt a wave of peace come over him. Her tenderness, her soft smiles and the way she didn't retreat from him had given him a hope he had never thought he could feel again, and spending all Sunday with his son had certainly helped keep his spirits high after their bittersweet goodbye of the previous night. Of course, he wished he could have stayed with her, tending to her every need, but he had accepted that she needed time, and perhaps a bit of space. It was a small concession he had to give her, even more now that he knew she wasn't running away from her feelings, or him.
It was 9 in the morning, and he had already picked his phone 4 times, eager to talk to her, but had thought otherwise, not wanting to intrude on her rest just because he needed to hear her voice. So he had waited, but each minute felt like a year as the right time to call her came.
He was startled out of his thoughts when he saw Angela standing on his doorway.
"Ange", he said surprised, but a wave of dread ran through him, as her presence perhaps meant bad news, "Hey, Booth, can I come in?", she asked, almost shyly, and he nodded, feeling a thick lump form on his throat.
"What is it, Ange? Is Bones ok?", she nodded, but her eyes were refusing to meet his, "Hey, Ange. Tell me", he pleaded and with a heavy sigh, her brown eyes met his worried orbs.
"I need you to hear me out, ok?", he nodded frantically, and moved to the front of his desk, perching hid body on the edge, so he was right in front of her, "You need to understand she didn't decide this on a whim. She's not running, and you need to trust that, and her. But she thought this was the best way to go, and all she needs is for you to understand and be patient. I know", seeing the rage and sadness war in his eyes, "That you've been as patient and understanding as you know how, but… see this as perhaps the last time you'll be apart. She asked me to give you this", she opened her purse, and handed him the white envelope. Her heart ached when she saw that his hand was shaking as he reached for it, "Remember, even if she hasn't said it, she loves you, and she only needs you to keep holding on to your lion heart, ok?", she walked around his desk and stood before him, and bent slightly to kiss his cheek, "Hold on, Studly. You are both going to be just fine", he could see the sadness and sympathy in her eyes as she left.
He went to sit, suddenly feeling deflated. But as she had said, he needed to trust her, that she hadn't lied and that she was honestly trying to do what she thought was best.
He opened the white envelope, and he willed his hands to remain steady as he took in her every word, her elegant handwriting making him smile a bit.
Booth.
I know that perhaps your first reaction will be anger and disbelief, as I promised you I wouldn't run away. Let me clarify that. I AM NOT RUNNING AWAY.
Booth, feelings and emotions have always come easily to you, and you have always been the one to show me the way, to insistently work to tear down my walls, and for that, I will forever be thankful, even if sometimes, the process has been quite painful, for both of us. You know I have ALWAYS struggled with emotions, and though this might not be the right way, it is MY way to face everything that's happening, to all the changes that have been thrown our way.
That night on the Hoover, I told you I couldn't change, but the truth was that I was terrified, because you made me realize I had changed already, that I wasn't the same person you met, that you were so deep inside me, that you were etched so deeply in my emotions I couldn't imagine myself away from you; I was so terrified I saw no choice but leaving, in one last attempt to prove to myself I could live a life without you, that I was still my own person, that my happiness was not dependent on your presence.
I concluded that I can live without you. I can survive without you.
But I don't want to. I don't ever want to know what a life without you truly is.
I had a glimpse into what a life without you could turn out to be, and I realized all I would have would be loneliness, and heartbreak, for the both of us. Though I don't doubt that Hannah loved (loves?) you, for the first time I can throw caution to the wind , forget about neurochemicals and say that Hannah doesn't or will ever love you the way I do, because she will never giver her life for you, willingly, as I do. It might sound irrational, as no one can measure the depth of someone else's feelings, but I have come to see that if I had had Hannah's opportunities, you would have always come first.
As I also allowed myself to see how a life together would be, the happiness that we could reach touched me so deeply I find myself aching and longing for it.
But for that to happen, to let go of the last of my imperviousness, to be able to risk it all, to give all of myself to you, I need to heal.
I need to heal from the wounds that still remain from my past, I need to heal from the pain of a year without your metaphorical heart leading me, I need to forgive myself for the pain I caused you, and I need to forgive you for making me feel you had given up on us, on me; I need to come to grips with the fact that even though you abandoned me when you swore you would never leave me, you had every right to fight for your happiness. I need to heal from the pain I felt when every time I saw you with Hannah, I was heart-crushed, and heart-sore, and all I was left with was loneliness and a deep sense of regret.
You need a woman who's free to love you with her whole heart, well, in my case, with my whole brain, which is a testament of how much I indeed want to give you.
And I want to be that woman for you.
I find it liberating that I am finally strong enough to voice what my metaphorical heart denied for so long. I don't know when I started loving you, but as you know I don't believe in forever, I can tell you that after all the trials we've endured, I've learned that that love is as real as all my scientific facts, and you know how hard that is for me to say.
And I want to say them, to voice them out loud, but I want you to hear them from my lips, not read them on a piece of paper. I want to stare into your eyes when I finally gather the courage I need to tell you the words you need to hear and I want to say, and I think you'll agree with me when I say that I don't want any pain or resentment or hurt to be there when we stare into each other's eyes and voice what we both know.
I know you're wondering where I am. All I can tell you is that it's peaceful, and that the silence it will provide me with will give me the perspective I need to finally move on, and that my father is with me, as I have also become strong enough to realize that there are some things I need to solve with him for me to move on.
But trust me, Booth, when I tell you I won't try to move on from you. We both spent too much time and energy running away from each other, and I've realized how fruitless and unfulfilling it is.
Forgive me, for I know this will bring you a pain you don't deserve, but you know me, and I know you, and we both know if I had stared into your eyes one more time, I would have lost the will and the strength to leave. This is what needs to be done if I want to give us the chance for our future.
I will be thinking of you, every day and every night, while I try to find my way again. My way to you and to us.
Your Bones.
When he finished reading, his eyes were filled with tears, but the hope he thought would be crushed when he finished reading was reignited as every word attested to the love she felt, even if she had only referred to it. He closed his eyes and let his head fall against his headrest, and prayed. And hoped. And prayed again, for the patience that had worn so thin to hold on just a bit longer.
She was worth it. They were worth it. And he prayed that, wherever she was, she was certain that he would always be waiting.
I was torn, I didn't know where to break this, so forgive me if the length was tedious or boring. Again, you make this story worthwhile writing.
Perhaps you'll hate me, but I needed to make sure that while Bren is leaving, she's not running.
Did I mention musie loves reviews? (LOL!)
Whatever this was to you, sucked or not, let me know. I deeply appreciate it.