Max had been staring at her through the wide French doors, giving her the time he knew she desperately needed to sort herself out. He had seen her lost in thought more than once during the 5 days that had passed since they had arrived, and his heart had clenched just as many times as he saw her give in to tears when she thought he wasn't looking her way. Ever since she had asked him to bring her to this place, he had read the intent behind her request, and he was awed by the fact that his daughter had finally gathered the courage to fight the demons he and his wife had lured into their house with their actions, with their abandonment. It was no wonder that people said that the wounds of adolescence could take an entire lifetime to heal.
Russ had always been an easygoing kid by nature, making friends easily, and doing reasonably fine on his studies, even if sometimes he slacked and they needed to push him a bit. But in contrast his beautiful daughter had inherited a brilliant mind that contrasted to a painfully fragile heart. When he had begged Ruth to take at least their daughter with them, knowing how hard things would be for her, she had adamantly refused, saying that as hard as it would be, both for them and for their children, she would never expose their Temperance to the hardships of the life they had so mistakenly chosen or to the dangers they would surely be facing in the future, but deep inside, he knew that out of the two of them, their little girl would carry most of the brunt of their abandonment. Russ had been hurt, sure, and he had leaned towards the wrong side of the road when choosing his path in life, but emotionally he wasn't as scarred as his Tempe. For all her success, his baby girl had been hiding a myriad of wounds that needed to be aired, wounds that he had to help her soothe, because most of them had been their doing.
Max took the seat beside her after a while, but remained silent, just holding her hand, rubbing her knuckles, seeing her lost in thought, knowing that the time for them to truly bare those wounds had come. Long minutes passed, and she turned glassy eyes to him, and he saw the desperate 15 year-old girl that had been left without answers, thinking she was unloved and unworthy, the same girl that lived inside the soul of the woman that had succeeded beyond the odds.
"Dad", she cleared her raspy throat, her voice betraying the tears she had just cried, "You've told me many things about your past, but I've never understood… why. Why you chose that path to begin with, why you chose to continue through it, why… why you left me, why you left us. Rationally, all the answers are in your file, and most of them I know, but I need to hear it from you, not the written account, the real thing. I… I need to heal, Dad. I need to believe that leaving me behind wasn't the easy way out for you and Mom. It… it has changed me, and I need to let go of it. I can't continue carrying this pain, Dad. It's eating me alive, and I need to think back on those years and not feel my pain was for nothing. Explain it to me, Dad. Please", she said desperately, and Max took her hand, and kissed her knuckles reverently before letting out a heavy sigh, and started.
"Why we began? It's hard to explain. I don't want to use the old sob story about how I didn't have any choice, but I need you to understand. My parents died when I was 18, and I had nobody to turn to. I was already a senior, and I liked school, but when they were gone, I turned… angry and bitter. I was still good at school and I made it to college, but I was dissatisfied with my life. I barely had any money to get by, and I met the wrong people. Some of them were rich kids who just wanted to have fun, and they took those jobs as a dare, to prove to themselves that they could. I met your mother during that time, and I just fell in love with her. We were both young, and I guess… It got to us, the thrill of being so good at something so dangerous was hard to ignore.
At the beginning, a great part of it was the thrill of the adrenaline rush we got after we got out safe. We didn't mean to, but we were approached by the rest of what later became our group. Times were difficult, and there weren't many jobs around. Your mom and I barely got ourselves through college, and we struggled to make end's meet. I know that's no excuse, but when you're that young and you're presented with something that can get you out of a difficult situation and you're desperate, it's hard not to take it. It was easy money, and your mom and I had no real expectations past college, given our situation. I can honestly tell you we didn't mean for it to last, to became the way we would make our living in the long run, but as time passed, and we became the best at it, things started to get complicated", Max sighed heavily, seeing his words sink in. Indeed, he could honestly say that he had never intended for stealing and murder to become his way of living, but as he said, there came a point when you could only see what was in front of you, and he truly never saw a way out, and neither did Ruth.
"As we started taking more complicated jobs, we started going deeper, and deeper. From my file, you know that I never killed any of the good guys, and the rest of the gang knew that I would never accept that they killed an honest cop or anyone who was an innocent. Perhaps you'll find it hard to believe, but I told them that because I saw in them what I was, only someone who wanted to provide for their families. I only killed people who truly posed a threat to us, when I felt there was truly no other choice. It was either them or us. Survival of the fittest, so to speak. This happened around the time Russ was born", he said, staring into the deep blue of his daughter's eyes, seeing his wife there, so gentle and bravely trying to forgive him.
"Things started becoming more difficult, and the rest of the group started to associate with people who were into mafia killings, drug rings… We didn't want any of that, but before we knew it, we were associated with corrupt cops in very high places. Many of the guys who I killed had tried to go after us, and it was during those days when they accused Marvin Beckett of the Gus Harper killing. It wasn't long after you were born, and you were so fragile, so little…", he trailed, doing his best not to falter under her stern gaze. "I already told you, when your mother realized Harper had found out how many FBI cops both high and low rank were dealing with drugs, helping our group get out clean from our missions, and receiving part of the profit, that's when she grew truly scared. She knew there was no getting out. We had thought that we would please the group, do our share of missions and try and walk silently, but by then, things started to go downhill. We didn't know what to do, and by then, we knew that if we tried to get out, they would go after Russ and you. That's when we changed our names, and moved. It wasn't about us anymore. We had you to think about, and while Russ was little, you were just a toddler, and we didn't want to submit you to a life of running around.
So we rearranged everything and from that moment, we tried to get our act together, lead a clean life, no stealing, no murder; yes, we lied and created credentials and everything, and for a while, it worked, but then a few of our friends found us, and asked us to help out with some tough jobs, which we agreed on because they had helped us when things got difficult and helped us stay under the radar when we first left, and out of loyalty to them because we owed them, though our hearts weren't in it anymore.
Before we knew it, we were pulled back under once again, and things were going all right for our family at last; we got rich, and it was enough, but we knew the rest was still looking for us. They knew we had the evidence that would make heads rolls at the FBI, Kirby's involved, and they wouldn't rest until the evidence and all the people who had looked at it were wiped out. Your mother knew having that evidence was both a curse and a blessing: it could become barter material, or it could get us all killed. As time passed, we truly believed we had managed to fool them, but when we saw McVicar following us, we knew they hadn't given up, just fooled us into a sense of comfort so we let our guard down. And they wouldn't go just after us. McVicar was sent to kill us, and he would have killed you and Russ without a second thought", he sighed, and she squeezed his hand, saddened at seeing her usual lively father so defeated by the memories.
"Mom told me in the video she left for me that it was her that made you leave, that you wanted to take us with you, but that she didn't let you", she said softly, and he nodded sadly, raising his eyes to meet hers.
"Your mom truly believed that we could take McVicar and anyone who was after us out and come back for you after a while. She was afraid that if we took you with us, you would be exposed to more danger, and she guessed we could have the job done faster if we were alone than if we had to worry about you. I know this is not an excuse, but she honestly thought Russ would care for you until we returned. We never thought he would bail on you. All we wanted was to get McVicar off our tails so he didn't go after you and your brother, but he got to us. We had spent so much time running, and when we thought it was safe, we returned to find both you and Russ were missing. Your mom grew frantic, and to tell you the truth, that shook us badly, so badly we made one huge mistake and McVicar found us", his eyes were filled with tears, "I couldn't save her from him. He hit her after he stunned me with a shovel on the back. I saw him leaning over her, he had just…", his eyes welled with tears, "I don't know where I got the strength, but I managed to hit him on the head, enough for me to run and take her with me. She was ok for a while, but she started getting sick, due to the blow to her head, but she was so scared they would find us again she didn't let me take her to a hospital.
His eyes took on a new sadness, "I've never told this to anyone but… it was she who asked me to bury her in that cemetery, in Pennsylvania. It broke my heart to do that, not to give her a proper burial, but she told me it was the only way if something ever happened to her and I remained, to cover my tracks. That she only hoped we could meet again, and I could try and make you forgive me. After that, I tried to find you, I really did, but I truly saw no choice but to regain the name I had made for myself, and to make certain people became so afraid of me they wouldn't even consider going after my children. When Kirby found where Russ was, and asked Delaney to go after him, I knew it was time to finally put a stop to that. The rest you know. I know we took the wrong path, and we paid… we paid with our lives for it, but you need to know there was never a day when we didn't think about you, when we didn't ache to know you were out there, without us. Our only comfort was knowing they hadn't gotten to you, but you need to believe we didn't leave you because it was easy.
You were my little girl, and I wanted so badly to take you with me, but you were so young, and your mother didn't want to expose you to the life we had lead", he finished tiredly, "I didn't want to taint you, your innocence, but I failed, we both failed you. And I know, it will take me a lifetime to earn your forgiveness, honey".
Her eyes were leaking a steady current of tears by now, finally hearing the whole truth behind their actions, and seeing how the gravity of their mistakes had forced them to leave, not a lack of love for her. "I need to forgive you, Dad. You took the wrong path, and Russ and I paid for it. I was so angry, so hurt. I wanted to understand why, but you need to know, and I'm not saying this to hurt you, but you need to see why I was so… determined not to let you in my life once again", she closed her eyes, and sighed heavily, trying to find some calm so she could begin her tale.
"During my time in the foster system, I had some good homes, at least, homes where they didn't abuse me. They weren't loving, but they were ok. But most of them gave up on me because all they saw was an angry teenager, awkward, silent, socially stunned, emotionally crippled, unable to relate to others. When I was 17, I was moved to a new foster home. I had been in 5 foster houses by that time, since the parents said I was "too troubling and upsetting" to their real children. I felt like a freak, and surely, everyone at school thought it so.
This family seemed ok at first, but as days passed, I saw the truth. They only took foster kids for the allowance, and they made me take more chores than I should, more than any kid should. They made me scrape the floors until my fingers bled, they made me clean the bathrooms until there was not a scope of dirt, insisting it wasn´t clean enough even if it reeked of bleach, and they would slap me if there was a lint on a shelf, even if my hands were burned beyond belief. They starved me, and didn't give me any money for lunch at school as they were supposed. So I had to make do, and save what I could of breakfast so I didn't faint at school from hunger. I also took tutoring jobs without their knowledge, and lied to them, saying I had to stay back at school to help a teacher so I could tutor those students and receive some money. I bought essentials with that money, soap, deodorant, shampoo, since they didn't give me a cent, and saved what I could", she let out a ragged breath, remembering how hopeless life seemed back then, how her hope had been stolen from her each day she had to live in that house.
She stared into Max's eyes, seeing her pain reflected there, and her eyes filled with tears, knowing she was going to stab a knife through his heart as she revealed details not even Booth knew about. It was fitting that Max was the first to know, as he needed to understand the dimension of what their leaving had caused for her.
"One day, they had invited some friends over for dinner, and they used their "good china" to show off. They were like these families that have money but live like they are poor 90% of the time?", Max nodded his understanding, his eyes filled with pain at listening to her horrid story, "Before they arrived, they had warned me I was to clean everything and leave it spotless when their guests left. The kitchen was filled with pots and dishes, dirty beyond belief. After their visit left, they told me I wouldn't use gloves because they couldn't risk me losing my grip on the dishes. They opened the faucet until steam rose and made me wash the dishes like that, scolding me if they thought I was doing it wrong. It hurt so much, my hands were bright red, but they didn't care that I was begging them to let me use the water a bit colder. They made me add more soap, and redo them because to them, they weren't clean enough. I couldn't take the pain after a few minutes, and a dish slipped from my hands. The mom came and slapped me hard, so hard it bruised my cheek, and made my lip bleed, and the father… he grabbed me by the elbow, and started dragging me to the garage. It was the middle of November, and it was so cold. I begged him to forgive me, that I would pay him back for the broken dish, but he started punching me in the face, so hard, I felt blood pouring from my nose. I was so weak, and I… I was severely underweight, and he was so heavy… When I saw him open the trunk of his car, I started screaming. He punched me again, this time in the jaw, and I was stunned enough for him to grab me and throw me inside. I tried to stop him, but I was lightheaded from the pain, and before I knew it, he closed it. I started screaming and kicking the trunk, I begged him, I pleaded, but he just told me I had been warned of what would happen. I heard the latch of the door to the garage close, and it didn't open for the next two days.
They left on a trip, telling me they were tired of hearing my screams, and that they hoped I would come to my senses and that I better shut up, because no one would listen anyway, but I didn't give up. Even after they left, I kept screaming, and I did it when I felt movement outside, and I thought someone could hear me. A neighbor must have heard my screams as he completed his morning jog 2 days after that, and he called the police, who called child services. They discovered me inside the car still. I was unconscious, dehydrated after two days without water or food, I had soiled and peed myself… They later realized I was indeed severely malnourished and they discovered all the bruises, old and new. My face was completely swollen, and blood was plastered to my skin, so that was enough for them.
They waited for them to get home, and they were arrested for child abuse. They also removed the officer in charge of my case, as they realized she hadn't taken into account all of my complains from all the other foster homes, and her labeling of me as a problematic child had been her way to just ignore my problems and get off easy. After 3 days in the hospital, I was moved to a new house. The Cheeneys. They were older, but they were so kind. I was guarded, after what I had just been through, but they behaved like… like they were my grandparents. Jeffrey, that was his name, asked me to call him grandpa, and his wife, Louise, told me she wanted me to call her Grandma. They were truly kind, they fed me, helped me heal, they encouraged my schooling, and made certain I kept my grades up and they helped me get the scholarship to Northwestern. I was with them until I aged out. They were the best of them all, and they made me believe that not all people were bad. They truly cared for me, and understood why I was so withdrawn, and never gave me a hard time about it. They called me regularly when I was in college, and they even sent me a graduation present", she finished tiredly.
Max had been battling his anger towards those people who had dared hurt his little girl, and his heart had broken at hearing how she had been abused. He fought the urge to find them and show them a piece of the real Max Keenan, but this wasn't the time to think about that. He needed to focus on his daughter, and on her pain. But he made a note to find who they were, as he realized his daughter had conveniently forgot to mention their last name. He knew Booth would be more than glad to assist him in this endeavor, FBI or not.
"What happened to them, honey? To the Cheeneys?", he asked.
"Grandpa Jeffrey died about 8 years ago, and Grandma Louise followed a year after. She was too sad to be without him. They had been married for 50 years. They loved each other so much, and there wasn't any resentment between them, even if they didn't have any children after Louise miscarried several times. Jeffrey loved her so dearly. I guess… I was too angry and hurt to believe true love existed. But looking back, I can see why Booth believes in marriage so much. They were truly an exemplary couple", she said sadly, and Max raised his hand to caress her cheek, and she nuzzled his palm, closing her eyes, receiving the comfort she had denied herself for so long. She had always loved Max, despite her pain, she truly did.
"That's why it was so hard to forgive you, Dad. I looked at you, and I could only remember all the pain, all the abuse I had to go through. I looked at Russ, and I saw a brother who couldn't stick around for me, who left me to fend for myself. I… hardened my heart so I didn't feel, so no one could hurt me again", she sobbed, "But I still loved you. I never stopped. Even in my darkest days, I only hoped that I could find you", Max took her in his arms carefully, and was incredibly grateful when she went willingly to his lap, hiding her face in his chest, "I wanted to hate you so much", she cried, and he rubbed her back tenderly.
"I know, honey, and I deserved it. I don't deserve your love. But I never stopped loving you either. No matter how grownup you are, how successful, to me you'll always be my sweet little girl. No matter if you marry and have a dozen kids, you'll always be my Tempe", he swore against her hair.
"I never wanted kids, Dad. I didn't know, I still don't know if I can be a good mother. Booth tells me I will be a great mom. But I fear I'm so damaged I can't love them the way they need", she sobbed, "But… I want to be a mom, I want to feel that kind of love. But I'm so afraid", she said.
"Honey", Max began, "After all you've been through, it's only natural. Look, baby, you had to find your way into the world without us, and you're the bravest person alive because you went through the hardest things a person could go through, and came out, stronger and more beautiful than anyone else. You've always made me so proud. But you need to see that the important part is not if you're afraid. Fear, in a reasonable measure, is a good thing. It makes you be more careful, more cautious. It becomes a setback when fear stops you from living, from loving. And I know, you don't hesitate to go into dangerous situations or places if it's needed, but the real proof is giving your heart to someone, and trusting that someone with it. I told you when we first saw each other that if you found someone you could trust, to hang on to them. Booth is that person for you. He loves you. He might have screwed up lately, but even I have to admit the man has loved you for the longest time. I was angry at him, but I can't deny that a man that looks at you, cares for you the way he does, loves you completely. He loves you so much he even convinced you to forgive me, a criminal, probably going against everything he believes in, to make you happy.
He's a good man, and that's all I want for you. He's been your friend, and gone to lengths for you no other man has. Sure, he handled things wrong, and brought the blonde Barbie with him", they chuckled slightly at his derogatory mention of Hannah, "But he loves you, honey. A man doesn't sit by someone's bedside looking as heartbroken as he did if he doesn't love her. It's time to put the crap behind you, and stop being afraid. You need to believe, you were always loved. And will always be, and let me tell you something. Your kids will be blessed to have you as a mother, and if you don't trust me, trust someone like Booth, who wants the whole enchilada, with you", he said softly, and she sobbed wholeheartedly, as his words soothed wounds that had never fully healed.
He rocker her like he would a small child, and he rubbed her back until her sobs grew to hiccups and then to heavy, tired sighs.
"Thank you, Dad", her voice sounded little and broken, but there was the tint of hope lacing it that told Max things would be ok.
"No, honey. Thank you", he held her in his embrace after the sun had long faded into the horizon, and only the twinkling stars were their companions. She had a tired, tentative smile on her lips as he helped her to bed, knowing carrying her would be pushing it too far, but he managed to tuck her in, basking in the moment, forgetting she was supposed to claim she was independent and not a baby. After so many years of pain and doubt, it felt like all the pieces of her heart were coming together to make a whole.
"We were really happy here, weren´t we? For such a long time, I couldn't trust that the happiness I saw in my memories could be real", she said, staring at him, feeling his soft caress on her cheek, his knuckles whisper-soft on her skin, "I thought it was the way my mind was coping, to give me hope… For so long, I didn't want to believe that I had ever been that happy. But I remember everything, how… we were just a family, but we loved each other, and we were happy", there was no more bitterness in her words, and Max could hear how she was reconciling all the pieces of her life, the bad and the good times.
"Yes, sweetheart. We did. We were just a perfect, happy family. Whenever we were together like that, we were. And believe me, we would have done whatever to hold on to that", he said, and she smiled tiredly.
"I never wanted to believe I was capable of happiness. I always thought… that the risks of putting my heart on the line were too big, but I've lost so much more, Dad. And I… I think I'm finally ready to have it all", they smiled at each other, and seeing some invitation on her eyes, Max slid next to her, propping his back against the headboard, letting her head fall on his chest, careful not to strain her neck. He let his fingers caress her scalp softly, like he did when she was a little girl and she wanted to cuddle before she went to bed, and after a few minutes, her breath evened out and her body relaxed, but her hand never fully released his. And in those blissful moments, Max finally understood how much his family had lost, but for the first time had a tangible sense of hope that they would finally be able to heal.
B&B&B&B&B&B
A week had passed since that day, and after their emotionally draining conversation, a silent calm had fallen between them, no more heavy words spoken nor needed after finally airing all the events of the past, and letting the wounds heal properly. Max knew she was still processing things in her mind, but the sad sheen of her gaze had been replaced by a glimmer of hope in her cerulean depths that lit them from the inside. He knew it was hard, after she had spent so many years reconciling the events of her past, trying to truly believe that even if it had been prompted by wrong choices, they had always loved her and tried to care for her, from a distance. He knew it wouldn't be easy for her to let go of the tight reins of the control that she had had to resort to to become the woman she was today, and changing your whole mental structure about something that had scarred you so deeply would take time, but he could see how valiantly she was fighting to hold on to her new resolve.
He knew she was doing it for Booth, because she had realized how she had taken his love for granted and how living without that love lately had turned out to be more hurtful than risking the safety of the walls that had been her haven for so many years.
And if Max was a good character judge, which he liked to think he was, he was certain Booth must be desperate by this point. He understood that his daughter had explained the reasons behind their trip on the letter she had left for him with Angela (a little fact that had come up when he had told her Booth would be frantic not knowing what had happened to them on the third day of their stay). She had asked him to let her handle things in her way, but she couldn't understand that Booth needed some sort of reassurance, because as a man, Max could see that Booth would think she was running from her feelings despite her saying she wasn't, and that Booth would not stop blaming himself for the fallout of their friendship and partnership until he saw with his own eyes that she was trying to heal, for him, for them both.
She was napping calmly on the plush lazy chair, a peaceful expression on her face as she made soft breathing sounds. Assured that she was getting the rest she needed, Max entered the house and closed the thick glass door that separated the living room area from the terrace, and after staring at the screen of his cell phone for long seconds, he made up his mind.
He started writing frantically, and when he was done, he hit send with a pleased smile on his face. Part of being a parent, he had learned the hard way, was doing what was best for your children, even if it meant going against their wishes, and giving them a little push, a like a mother bird who pushed their little to fly when she knew they were ready for it. And he knew that this was the perfect moment for her little girl. Deep inside, he was afraid that in the process, she would be tempted to build her walls back again, and they were so weak and low now, it would be a shame if they didn't take advantage of it, and showed her, with their love and devotion, that keeping them down could be the best gamble she would ever take.
B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B
Booth had spent the last few days just holding on the hope that she wouldn't be balking on her promise, and hiding from him somewhere he couldn't find her. Strangely as it sounded, the idea that Max was with her gave him a sense of calm he never thought he would relate to the former con man that had made their lives so difficult not to long ago. Max, for all of his faults, loved his Bones, and he would make sure that she would heal in all senses of the word.
However, the waiting was killing him. He missed seeing her, and while he knew physically she was strong, the last image of her, weak and fragile, was burned into his brain so perfectly the only thing to replace the sadness the memory brought would be seeing her on the mend, and as beautiful as he had always known her to be. 7 agonizing days since he had drank in the sight of her, and he was going into withdrawal.
The squints were incredibly worried about him. Instead of turning to anger, he had entered a sad, silent state that he knew had them biting their nails in distress. He knew they feared what this new separation would do to them both. He had briefly highlighted the contents of her letter, not wanting to reveal what was rightfully and only theirs, but he had known they needed an explanation. But in their eyes he could see the pity, because indeed it was hard to believe that Brennan would break out of the patterns that had been the basis of her entire life so easily.
But he trusted her. She had never lied to him, and after the two emotional conversations they had had while she was hospitalized, he knew she was determined to forgive him, to give them a new chance, and the sincerity he had seen in her eyes could have not been faked. He had learned to read all her tells, and in this instance, he knew that there was nothing but the truth in her gaze and in her words when she told him she accepted she had been partly to blame for their fallout, and that they both needed to heal to be together.
His mood had been so silent not even the agents in the bullpen dared brave his office. He wasn't curt or rude, but they had never seen such a dark aura surround him, and they feared his reaction to anything that disturbed him. The only one confident enough to approach him had been Charlie, and he had been thankful, since he had provided the breathing window he had needed not to feel the walls of his office were coming down on him.
However, there was one person he decided was wise enough to truly listen to him, even if he had known, even before he went to visit, that he was in for a very thorough verbal lambasting.
He had tried to word things in a way that wouldn't make him look like the jerk he knew he was, but one stern look from the eyes of his cherished Pops had been enough to make him drop the act and bare his heart to the man that had been his real father.
Strangely, and in a very out-of-character move, Hank had been eerily silent while his grandson described the events of the past months without the rose-colored spectacles of the life he was trying to sell himself. Of course, the name Hannah Burley hadn't been foreign to Hank, as Seeley had briefly told him he was involved with a beautiful, smart and brave journalist, and promised the older man that he would take her so they could meet, as they were the most important people in his life and he was seriously considering building a life with her: they were already building a life together, as his home was now hers as well, perhaps now legally, but in all ways that mattered. At that time, Hank had wisely decided not to voice his thoughts to him:. As a father, and a grandfather, Henry Joseph Booth he had learned the hard way that reverse psychology did work. He knew that if he started to list the reasons why getting involved with a woman while you were loving and grieving for another, his grandson would become even more stubborn in his attempts to prove that he was right, and that Hannah was the woman for him, even when the people who had been witness to the love his grandson and his bone lady were so stubbornly trying to deny knew Hannah Burley would never be the woman to fulfill his dreams and hopes for the future.
However, seeing the pain in his grandson's eyes as he told him how everything had gone downhill from the moment Temperance had denied them a chance, escalating to the point that they had even ran to the opposite extremes of the Earth to escape their pain, had made Hank stay silent as he listened attentively to everything he had guessed, but had never confirmed. He had heard the raw despair as Seeley tearfully told him that after he had thought he had found peace and love with Hannah, she had shattered that with her pained confusion on a rainy night, her big blue eyes filled with confusion and hesitant hope that he hadn't given up on her, on them.
He had also listened when he also said that it had broken his heart beyond belief to crush her heart the way he did; how, as he was telling her Hannah was not a consolation prize, his heart was shouting at him to take it all back, to take her in his arms and kiss her senseless until the sadness in her blue gaze was completely wiped out. He had seen his grandson's usual proud form shrink as he told him that hadn't it been for her, he wouldn't even have a son, how it had taken almost losing her to realize he had traded the real thing for a cheap imitation. And knowing how proud his grandson was, Hank knew he had to be shaken to the core to admit that to him. He was surprised, because he had heard about Taffet's death in the news, but he never imagined it had been his grandson the one to take her out and it had never clicked that it was the Jeffersonian that they were referring to.
But instead of screaming at him or using words that would surely make him feel like a child again, Hank had chosen a different pathway.
"Listen, Shrimp. I'm not going to sugarcoat this for you, because that's not why you came here. I've always been straight with you, always, and I've done my best to try and teach you how to be a good, decent man. Seeley, I've never felt more proud of anyone than I do you. No one that knows what you've been through can believe this is the man you are. You're a heart person, but you messed up, Seeley. You stopped listening to your heart and you started listening to your head. Sure, it was only your survival instinct kicking in, your desire to stop feeling pain, but Seeley, the things that are worth the most are the ones that cause you the most pain. When you father left, I second-guessed myself hundreds of times. I asked myself what I had done to make your father turn out the way he did, I asked myself what could have possibly gone wrong in the way I raised him for him to become… that man, someone who could abuse his children the way he had", he said tiredly, and Booth shook his head.
"Pops, you were a great father. There's nothing you could have done to change what he did, or in fact, to avoid it. You taught him well, but he chose to ignore it, to forget it", he tried to reassure the older man.
"It's impossible not to feel responsible, Seeley. In your case, 3 people have been in pain because wrong choices were made, on all sides. I'm not stupid, Seeley. I'm old, but even I can see when a guy is thinking with his other brain", he said pointedly, rising an eyebrow, making Booth chuckle weakly, despite the implication, knowing his grandfather was completely right. Indeed, his rational mind hadn't been in command on that hot, desert night when he had taken Hannah against that fig tree. "And sure, this woman was perfect. She stroked your ego, she made you feel wanted when you thought no woman would, she was beautiful, smart, successful. But the thing is, Shrimp, those are simply a mirage, a distortion of reality. I'm not saying she wasn't a good woman, but she wasn't the right one. At least not for you.
Your grandmother, God bless her soul, aggravated me more than she praised me. She was difficult, stubborn, she challenged me, and I couldn't have loved her more. Seeley, perfect and right are not the same, and more often than not, perfect turns out to be the exact opposite of right. I know that after what you witnessed growing up, you're dead set on having the marriage your grandma and I had. And it's completely normal, but perhaps what will make you happy won't be an ordinary life. Temperance can give you that: she aggravates you, you disagree more often than not, she doesn't believe in God or in marriage, but what I've seen is that she believes in you, without question, but she has her own issues, Seeley, her own sad story. Don't you think that I don't know how afraid you are to become like your father?", Booth's head fell against his chest, as his grandfather didn't hesitate to touch the wounds he was trying to hide and that were still raw open.
"Don't you think that I don't know that your desire to have a family is also because you want to give your son some stability? Seeley, this Hannah girl, she was the safe choice, the smart choice, sort of like jumping into a clear, calm lake. Temperance is the bold choice, she's like jumping into stormy waters without a safety net. I know you are afraid she doesn't love you the way you want to, but Shrimp, you've already told me this. How can you question her love when she risked her life for your son, while the woman who's been living with you, telling you non-stop she loves you time and time again, was the one who let go of his hand?", Hank finished.
Booth raised his pained, red-rimmed eyes to those of his grandfather, and asked him in a voice so little and unlike the usually strong, proud man he had become, "What do I do, Pops? What if now that she's gone, she realizes she doesn't want to be with me? I've been an ass towards her, the way I rejected her…", the shame and pain were visible on his eyes and it could be heard on his voice, "How can she forgive me? I promised her I would never betray her, I promised her I would never let her fall, and I let her all alone", he said pathetically, and Hank smiled sadly.
"Shrimp, Temperance doesn't strike me as the type of woman who lies. Her bluntness is one of her most difficult, yet endearing qualities. If she told you on that letter she needed to go away to heal, then wait for her. You waited 6 years without nothing tangible to wait for, just hope. Now you know you're not alone in your emotions, that she feels the same. And you should know by now, Seeley, when you truly love someone, you forgive them everything. You had me growing up, Seeley, and at least I tried to right some of the wrongs your father did. She didn't have a single soul to make her feel loved or to teach her how not to be afraid of love. She coped the best way she could. I know you understand it here", he patted Booth's temple, "But you can't accept it here, truly. She knows she needs to let go of most of what has gotten her through the hard times, and that takes time. When she's ready, she'll call. Besides, we both know she doesn't break her promises", Hank smiled.
"Hey", he touched Booth's chin and made him sit up straight, "You were a brave little boy, and then you've become a brave, brave man. Let that courage and what you know guide you. You know her, you truly do. Don't underestimate that, and don't doubt yourself. Just wait, ok?", Booth smiled softly at his grandfather. "Come here, boy", Hank stood, and they embraced tightly, "I'm proud of you, Shrimp. I truly am. Promise me you'll bring her here. I want to say thanks in person", Booth nodded, and after their ritual handshake, he left, feeling slightly better and definitely more hopeful.
B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B
Another week had passed, and he still had no news of her. He chose to take it as a good sign, as knowing Max would call him the moment something went wrong. But the longing was killing him, and keeping him awake.
Just yesterday, when he had been doing the sixth (or was it the seventh?) all-nighter at his office since she had left, Charlie had silently dropped a brown paper bag on the edge of his desk, and left without saying a single word. He had been curious, but he had had to smile when he saw a huge cheeseburger, with an extra-large order of fries and a pop soda that must have held more sugar than was advisable. It wasn't the gesture in itself, but the words behind it that had touched him: you are not alone in this, it seemed to say. There was no pity, just an attempt to boost him with the energy he needed to continue holding on. He was thankful for his agent's insightfulness, and while he knew no one knew what had transpired between he and Bones, he was thankful that his agent was looking out for him, even if he hadn't asked. He decided he must be looking worst than he thought.
He had his head against the headrest of his chair, taking 5 minutes before he resumed reading some budget reports related to his agents when his cell phone chirped. His heart stilled when he saw who the message was from.
With a shaking hand that betrayed his iron-clad control, he pressed "Read", and it seemed like someone had dripped a soothing balm on his heart as his eyes drank in the message.
From: Keenan, Max.
Hey, Booth. I Know ur not suppsd to hear from us, but she's doing fine. Physically, much better. Emotionally, opening old wounds to heal. She's missing u, badly. Needing u. Will bite my head off when she finds out. Details on location are at the bottom. Please, come this weekend, tomorrow better. ASAP. She's finally ready for you. Don't disappoint me. Remember who I was. Max.
Only Max Keenan could threaten him and lift him higher than the stars at the same time. He was elated to hear she was healing, but when he read that she was missing and needing him, he swore his heart skipped a beat. She had finally let the final bricks that made the wall of her fear of opening her heart to love fall down, and as Max had said, he knew she needed him. He smiled. Indeed, she would have Max's head when she heard he had gone against her wishes, but he could understand where Max's request was coming from. She was at the most vulnerable, and she would be tempted to retreat into her shell. Everything must be hurting, physically and emotionally, but if Max was asking him to join them was because he knew, just as he did, that she needed to feel the full onslaught of their love to feel the risk had been worth it.
He swallowed hard, and didn't even care that his eyes had welled with tears when he typed his reply.
To: Keenan, Max.
Don't fear, I'm not stupid. THANK be there tomorrow. Booth.
Suddenly his world was filled with the hope that before tomorrow was over, he would be holding his Bones in his arms.
I hope this chapter leaves you very hopeful for their reunion… I'm already working on that chappie, it's 60% done, so I beg you, bear with me… I refuse to give you less than perfect… I hope I can give you that chappie before this week ends…
Thank you for sticking with me through this crazy ride!