A\N 1: I am so sorry I haven't updated in a long time life has been super busy for me and for my friend and sometimes co-author and beta reader Fire Fighter 13 who wrote a lot of this chapter for me. We both really hope you all enjoy this chapter. Oh and the italics at the beginning are what Matt's nightmare is about.
A\N 2: EMDR therapy stands for Eye movement desensitization therapy. It is used mostly for adults suffering from PTSD. It involves using hand movements from an instructor to bring these distressing memories to the front of the brain. When that happens the instructor helps teach the client effective ways to eliminate the stressful memories. If you want to know more information about EMDR search Francine Shapiro on wikipedia. That's what I had to do to get more information (and is where I received the explanation of it in this authors note)
Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago Fire, NBC, Global Wikipedia or the EMDR therapy, Francine Shapiro (who I have no affiliation with) developed it.
Spoilers: None
Warnings: None
What Matters Most
Matt saw Gabriela sitting on their couch in tears Antonio and her mother sitting on either side of her. They two looked pretty solemn.
"Those kids are going to know their father was a hero Gabby. I saw what he did I can guarantee that." Antonio spoke as attempted to hold in his tears, "They'll know how much he loved them."
"And I'll stay with you here as long as you need me too," Esmerelda wrapped an arm around her daughter.
"Mommy!" An older Serena rushed into the room and attached herself to Gabby's leg, "Mommy I want Daddy!" She cried.
Gabriela lifted Serena into her lap, "I know you do sweetie but Daddy's in heaven now. He's with Abuelo."
"No," Serena sobbed, "No! Daddy!"
"Serena," Leslie walked back into the room holding onto Michael's hand and carrying a small baby, "Sweetheart lets go outside and play."
"No Auntie Leslie," Michael looked up at his aunt and walked towards his mother, "I want Daddy." He whined.
"Lets go for some ice cream," Antonio scooped Michael into his arms and reached for Serena, "Then I'll take you anywhere you want."
"Heaven," Serena crawled into her uncle's arms.
"I wish I could take you their sweetheart," Antonio kissed her hair.
"Mommy coming?" Serena asked.
"No, no sweetheart you and Michael go with Tio Antonio."
"Mattie," The next thing Matt knew Gabby was shaking him awake, "Matt its okay it's just a nightmare wake-up."
'Wha-what," Matt opened his eyes in a dazed confusion.
"You had a bad dream. You were shaking and screaming."
Matt didn't know what to say.
"The nurses said you woke up a few times through the night. They called me earlier to let me know. I called Dr. Chang and he said he'd-"
"I'm fine!" Matt cut his wife off mid-sentence, "I don't need to talk to anyone."
"Matt, you watched a friend die two days ago. Since then you've hardly eaten or slept that's not fine, that's-"
"I don't have PTSD!"
"Matt just talk to him, if you won't do it for yourself do it for me."
"Just leave me alone."
"Matt," Gabriela shook her head and then began to rant in Spanish, something she often did when she was overly stressed out. "¿Cómo puedes ser tan egoísta! Usted tiene una familia a pensar! Sé que eres terco y todo, pero hay que pensar en Michael, Serena y yo. Si alguna vez te ha pasado, no sé lo que haría. Te quiero tanto, tanto."
Matt stared at her, "What are you saying?"
"Tiene que dejar de ser tan egoísta. No se trata de tu puto ego ya Matt. Usted tiene una familia a pensar, dos hijos que te quiere y lo que necesita. Si usted no recibe ayuda y Dios no lo quiera algo sucede ..." Gabriela cotunied ranting in Spanish.
"Gabby!" Matt's frustration grew as well as his voice, "Speak English!"
Gabriela stared at him tears rolling down her cheeks, "No puedo lidiar contigo," She turned around and left the room. Not watching where she was going she ran into Antonio.
"Wow," Antonio placed both hands on her shoulders and steadied her, "Everything alright?" He asked, concern evident in his voice.
"Antonio," Gabriela looked at her brother, "What are you doing here?"
"I heard about what happened. Why didn't' you call me?"
Gabriela glared at him, "Are you really that stupid Antonio?"
"Gabby." Antonio sighed, "What I said before- I was out of line and I'm so sorry."
"Why can't I ever stay mad at you?"
"Because you love me so much," Antonio smirked in reply.
"No I don't think its that," Gabriela smiled. She smiled because she finally had her brother back, and after everything that had happened she needed that, she needed to know she'd always have her older brother by her side.
Antonio kissed her cheek, "There's someone who want's to see you," He le her into a small waiting room.
"Tia Gabby!" Carla, rushed up to her aunt and wrapped her arms around her, "Tia Gabby guess what?" The teenager beamed with pride.
Shocked, at the recent behavior change Gabriela looked down at her niece. She was wearing a pair of yoga pants a zipped up jacket and brand new running shoes.
"I made the Varsity Track team!" Carla couldn't keep in her excitement any longer,
"And I didn't even try out, I got recruited!"
"That's great sweetie," Gabby smiled, "I'm so proud of you. I want to know how all this happened."
"I was in gym class and we were doing a speed test, my teacher got Kelly Riggs, the coolest Grade Twelve girl and captain of the Varsity Track and Field team to help her out. Anyways we did the speed test and I was the last one left. I tied the record, her record. Then after class she talked to me and personally introduced me to the Coach. Tryouts had already passed and grade nines hardly ever make the team but I did!"
Gabby fed off her nieces' enthusiasm, "I need to get back into shape, how about you and I go for a run on the weekends."
"Okay!" Carla nodded her head, "Can I go show Tio Matt?"
"Yeah sure," Gabriela watched as Carla rushed into the room.
"So…" Gabriela turned to her brother, "How did that happen?"
"Dani and I sat her down and explained a few things to her. We told her we weren't going to tell her how to live her life but that we wanted to know where she was and who she was with. She didn't take it so well and said she was going to run away."
"Ooh," Gabriela thought she knew where this story was going, "I bet I know what you did."
Antonio chuckled, "Can I finish my story here?"
"Uh-huh."
"So anyways I took her the soup kitchen I volunteer at and introduced her to some of the kids. She was pretty shocked at how people on the streets live and it grounded her. When we were in the car driving home she told me she wanted to go there more often. I think that's what made her change. I mean it's not perfect, not by any means but its getting better."
"I'm glad."
"Me too."
"Dad," Carla returned to the waiting room a few minutes later, "Tio Matt wants to talk to you."
Antonio narrowed his gaze and looked at his sister.
"I don't know," Gabriela responded to his facial cue.
"You stay here," He told Carla.
"Okay," She agreed.
"I have to go pick up the twins from Leslie and Kelly's," Gabby hugged Carla and then Antonio.
"We'll look after them tomorrow," Antonio told her, "Bring them by anytime after eight o'clock."
"Okay," Gabby nodded her head.
"Carla said you wanted to see me," Matt walked into Matt's hospital room.
"You and Gabby make-up?" He asked.
"Yeah," Antonio stuffed his hands in his jeans and tried not to look at his brother in-law. He had multiple bandage strips on his arms and face. His left arm and shoulder was in a sling and he was connected to IV's.
"Good," Matt's voice was horse. "That's good."
"So the fire must've been pretty bad." Antonio attempted to make small talk. "You gave us quite a scare you know when I heard it over the police scanner."
Matt looked perplexed.
"My partner Liam and I were doing desk work with the scanner on and we heard the call for uniforms to block off the street. I recognized your station number. I was half expecting a call from Gabby in tears saying you- anyways," Antonio cleared his throat, "What did you want to see me about?"
"Gabriela was yelling in Spanish, something about me and her and the twins. Wondering if you heard it.
"No but I wouldn't worry to much about it. She only does that when she's angry and overly stressed, something she picked up from our mother."
"So you have no idea what she would have said."
"Matt," Antonio sighed, "I don't want to get in the middle alright. I'm just glad to be back on speaking terms with her. She's my younger sister and I love her."
"I understand," Matt half-heartedly lied, he knew Gabriela and Antonio were very close but he had a feeling Antonio knew more then he was letting on.
Matt clenched his teeth as a nurse changed the dressing on his left arm. Landing on his left side, most of the left side of his body had 1st degree burns and his left shoulder was broken and currently in a very secure sling. Because of the burns and the break though every time the dressing on the burns needed to be changed his shoulder had to be taken out of the sling.
Once the nurse had finished changing the dressing she checked his chart and morphine levels and then left.
Gabriela stood up from the uncomfortable chair and sat beside her husband in the hospital bed. "You need to eat something so the medicine works better. You know the doctor said to take it with food." She attempted yet again to convince him to eat what would be considered an entire meal.
"I told you sweetie, I'm not hungry."
"Matt you've hardly eaten in two days!"
"I don't want to talk about it!"
Gabriela closed her eyes and took deep breaths. She knew Matt felt responsible for Jessica's death, that was from observing and know him though, he'd barely said a word about what had happened. It was times like this when Gabriela wondered what it was like for spouses of emergency response people who were not involved in the profession themselves.
Matt turned to face Gabriela, a lost, confused look on his face, "I'm pretty tired sweetie, the medicine you know, do you think you could-uh…"
Gabriela placed a gentle kiss on his lips; "I'll come by later."
"Thanks," Matt tried to let out a small smile.
As Gabby walked down the hallway of the ICU floor she stopped by the nurses station. "Hey Jordan," She greeted one of Matt's regular nurses.
"Hello Mrs. Casey," Jordan a young nurse with medium length brown hair and blue eyes greeted Gabby. "How is Mr. Casey doing today?"
"Not so good," Gabby admitted sadly.
"Oh I'm sorry," Jordan was genuinely upset, "We all hoped seeing you would make him a little better. Did he tell you anything?" She wondered.
"No," Gabby shook her head, "I was hoping it would as well. Has he spoken to you about anything?
"No," Jordan admitted, "I actually want to talk to you about that," She looked around to make sure they were relatively alone before continuing, "I think he may have PTSD."
"He did have it, last year," Gabby told her, "It was really scary. He was drinking heavily and he tried to take his own life."
"Oh my, how awful," Jordan exclaimed.
"I'm afraid he's relapsing and I just don't know what to do."
"I can recommend some therapists if you wish."
"No that's okay, Dr. Ching a department psychologist, the one who worked with Matt last year is coming by tomorrow night. I'm just worried he's worse then he was before. I'm afraid he'll do something to himself."
"If it'll make you feel better Mrs. Casey I can have him moved closer to the nurses station and make his morphine inaccessible."
Gabby tried to offer the other woman a smile, "That would ease my mind a little."
"Then call it done," Jordan walked to a shelving unit to retrieved Matt's file, "I'll make some changes to his file and make note of everything you've told me. I'll also try and make sure he's checked in on more regularly."
"Thank you, you know you're Matt's favourite nurse.
Jordan smiled, "Well he's my favourite patient."
"Thanks Jordan."
"You're welcome," Jordan walked out of the nurse's station and gave Gabby a hug.
Michael picked up a piece of sliced and pealed apple and suck on it. Since he only had very view teeth he needed to suck on it to make it soft before he could chew it.
In the high chair beside her brother's Serena banged her hands on the tray and looked at Gabby who was in the middle of packing up a baby bag.
"Baa," Serena babbled as soon as she got her mother's attention.
"Sweetie," Gabby sighed, "You can't still be hungry you already had breakfast and a snack. Mommy will give you something later if you're still hungry.
"Waa!" Serena whined as she kicked her feet.
As cute and loveable as Serena could be the one thing Gabby did not like was when she whined. This happened when Serena was not given what she wanted and usually continued until she did.
Before Matt's work accident the couple had been trying to eliminate the problem however since Matt's accident Gabby had not been following the instructions the doctor had given her and Matt.
From talking to Leslie and Kelly who took the twins some days and nights when they weren't on shift Gabriela had discovered that Serena cried and whined when Michael was getting more attention and also when she was tired or hungry.
At Antonio and Dani's house was whining happened only when Serena was overly tired or hungry.
Gabriela assumed the behavioral differences were because Serena knew that Antonio and Dani would not respond to whines with no tears. Soaking up everything in her world Serena would have seen that whining and temper tantrums got Carla, Freddie, Diego and Maria nowhere.
She spent less time with Leslie and Kelly though so Gabriela figured she wanted to test her limits. And as much as her friends tried to ignore the thirteen month olds whines Gabby knew they most often gave in.
Gabriela turned her attention away from her daughter and continued packing.
During the seventeen minutes that Serena was having a temper tantrum Gabriela had finished packing the baby bags and had washed Michael and was holding him on her hip.
"Are you finished now?" Gabriela asked Serena in a stern voice after her daughter stopped whining and looked at her.
Serena didn't say or do anything.
"Good now Mommy can get you cleaned up," Gabriela took a baby wipe out of the container on the counter and whipped Serena's face and hands.
At around nine thirty in the morning Gabriela arrived at Antonio and Dani's house. Picking up Serena and Michael from their car seats she swung their baby bags over her shoulder and carried them towards the front door and rang the doorbell. Since Maria was in Grade One, Diego grade Three and Carla and Freddie in Grade Nine all of the kids would be gone until at least three o'clock. This made Gabriela feel a little less guilty about leaving her thirteen month old twins with her sister in-law on a day when Antonio was working.
"Hey Gab's," Dani greeted her sister in-law with a smile as she opened the front door after Gabriela had rung the doorbell, "Let me take them," She took Serena and Michael.
"Ma," Michael let out a small whimper.
"Come on in I just brewed some fresh coffee."
"Actually I can't stomach coffee anymore."
"Gabriela Dawson is there something you're not telling me? Should we be expecting a baby in nine or so months?"
"No," Gabriela shook her head, "I just found after I finished breast feeding Serena and Michael coffee made me sick. I guess after being off it for so long my body got used to not having it.
"Well then I'll make you whatever you want."
"Orange Juice is fine."
"So do you want anymore kids?' Dani led her into the kitchen.
"We were talking about it before…" Gabriela set down both diaper bags on the ground. "Now I'm not so sure."
"Everything will be okay Gabby," Dani offered her sister in-law a smile, "Remember when Antonio broke his arm tackling a suspect to the ground?"
Gabriela remembered the day perfectly. She was in grade eleven and when she got home from school her parents told her about the news. Antonio was in the hospital for three days and on light duty for three weeks.
"We struggled then and there's been a lot of other times too."
"Nothing like this."
Dani wasn't sure what to say. What could she say?"
When Gabriela arrived at the hospital she discovered that Matt's room had been changed and the nurses could now easily see into his room when the door was open from the nurses station.
"Hey honey," Gabriela walked into the room.
Matt turned off the TV but didn't respond.
"Matt-"
"How could you tell them Gabby? Why did you tell them?"
Gabriela was not surprised by her husband's question, if anything she had been half expecting it.
"Because I love you and I hate seeing you in so much pain. I know you're hurting and-and Matt-"
"I'm fine!"
"No, you're not!"
"Since when do you know how I feel?"
"Since I love you and I'm the one who found you the last time!"
"I haven't relapsed with PTSD!" Matt finally turned to face her, his face burning with anger.
"Yes you are Matt! You are and you need to get help. You, Serena and Michael mean the world to me and I don't want to loose you Matt."
"You're not going to loose me Gabriela. Now can you please go away?"
Gabriela shook her head, "Dr. Ching is coming tonight to talk to you," She mentioned before leaving the hospital room.
Matt was sitting up in his bed staring into space when Dr. Ching arrived in his room. He didn't notice the other man's presence for quite some time however; he was thinking about his lieutenant's death. He couldn't even imagine what her family was going through right now. He thought about how she had a child, and what if she was trying for another? What if she was pregnant? What if he killed two people, instead of one? He knew Jessica's son was almost two years old and that her and her husband wanted two kids. In fact Matt knew that Jessica wanted to have at least two kids. One night when both of them were up doing reports they had talked about everything. That was only less then three weeks before Jessica's death, before he had killed her
Matt was now crying and as he turned to look the other way he saw Dr. Ching standing at the door of his room.
"I'm so sorry Matt, really I am," Dr. Ching closed the door and made his way towards Matt's bed.
"Thank you, but I'm fine. Really, I am. They just changed the dressings on my burns, that's why my eyes are watering."
"The nurses told me they change the dressings mid-morning," Dr. Ching told him.
Matt cursed himself for being so stupid; He should have known Dr. Ching would have asked the nurses for all of that information being coming in to see him.
"Matt," Dr. Ching sat down in the chair usually occupied by Gabriela upon her visits, "A lot of people are worried about you, including myself. We all want to help you."
"Well I'm fine."
"No, you're not. Gabriela told me that you barely talk to her when she visits and that you aren't eating properly. Your nurses and doctor's have also told me that you have multiple nightmares a night and that you scream and sweat. They also told me they often hear you scream 'Jess no!'
Matt cringed at Jessica's name.
"Wasn't Jessica the name of your lieutenant who got killed in the fire?"
Matt didn't say a word.
"You know I'll wait Matt, I'll wait until you're ready to talk."
Matt looked away, and when he turned back there was a fire in his eyes. "IM FINE! Why won't anyone believe me? I DON'T have PTSD again! The medicine makes me feel sick, that's why I won't eat! And I don't sleep because I'm not tired! And I have nightmares because I'm upset at losing Jessica in such a tragic way. And now? Now I have to go back to a team that won't trust me as a leader anymore. I'm FINE. I can handle this on my own! I don't need anyone's help!" Matt was furious. Dr. Ching let him get the yelling out of the way, he knew it was good for him.
After Matt had finished yelling Dr. Ching continued on as if it had never happened. "Have you been taking the anti-depressants I prescribed you?
Matt nodded his head.
"Are you stressed about going back to work?"
Again Matt nodded his head.
"Well Matt I think something is wrong. I need you to tell me the truth. The only way you can get better is to let me help you. But I can't help you, until you tell me the truth, and open up. I'm going to let you sleep now. I will be back tomorrow at one thirty with a friend of mine. Her name is Misty Lippy. She does a type of therapy called EMDR, it's fast so you will be back to work in no time. It's better than talking things out. Here is a pamphlet about it, if you're not tired tonight and want to read it, you may. Goodbye Matt." Matt had an angry expression on his face. "Who said I want your help?" Dr. Ching raised his hands as a sign of surrendering. He walked out of Matt's room. And left him be. He would try again tomorrow.
At one thirty the following day Dr. Ching walked into Matt's hospital room with a woman, an with him was a woman, who Matt assumed was Megan
"Good afternoon Matt. Today they are starting the debriefing sessions at station 72. Since you can't be there, I will let a good friend of mine named Misty have the honor of de briefing you."Dr. Ching told Matt. "You remember me telling you about her last night right?"
Matt nodded his head.
Anything new you want to tell me before I leave you two alone? Did Gabby stop by?" Dr. Ching questioned Matt.
"No not today."
"Is something wrong?"
"She usually comes every day but... she uh wanted to spend an entire day with the twins." Matt was only telling a half lie. He suspected part of the reason Gabriela had not yet stopped by was because of their argument the previous day.
"Maybe she'll stop by later," Dr. Ching knew Matt was not telling him the whole truth. He however didn't want him to shut down and not say a word so he let it go.
"I'll go and get another chair from the nurses station and be right back. I'll just sit in the back of the room and observe."
Megan was an older woman with greying brown hair and brown eyes. Her aging face had wrinkles and Matt saw bags under her eyes.
"So Matt," Megan sat down in the chair beside him, "Dr. Ching told me a few things about you. To start of with why don't you tell me about your family?
"Why?" Matt asked.
"Well," Megan opened her notebook and uncapped her pen, "I have two grand-children who are three and one. They can be quite a handful sometimes."
"I have thirteen month old twins."
"So your home life is stressful as well?"
"I didn't say that," Matt began to get defensive.
"Okay well how about we just get started on the therapy how does that sound?"
Matt didn't say a word.
"Do you have any questions for me?"
Again nothing.
"Ok, well then let's get started."
TBC
A\N: So, what did you think? Please review and let me know.