Chapter 4- Emotions

Three days.

Three days and she had finally finished. Kagome glanced around the her new home, a smile gracing her features as Shippo and Kilala ran around in excited circles. When she had returned through time her mother had taken the time to organize all those things that Kykyo had collected from thankful villages. There had been a small pile of jewelry, weapons, and statuettes that her mother had given her to keep (having sorted through the rest on her own she had been unsurprised that her mother had managed to find those things that Kagome wouldn't be able to part with) the rest had been priceless but otherwise unnecessary. They'd sold off a nice chunk of the old relics ("surprisingly well cared for despite their age" the appraiser had remarked with awe) and, though they had more money then they knew what to do with, they had remained living an average life. The rest had been donated save for a small clutch of the things secured within the shrine. Her mother insisted Kagome keep most of the money but relented enough for her to provide for her family. Thus her home was, by no means, small but neither was it extravagant. She'd managed to find a three bedroom home complete with its own bathhouse. Shippo had adorned his room as any child would, toys scattered everywhere, but the walls were filled with weapons and the corners filled with plants of all sizes and shapes. The walls had been painted to look like the depths of a forest and the soft green carpet was the color of grass, his ceiling a pure sky blue peeking through painted trees. Kilala had few things in her room, happy to have a place that she could transform and rest as her true self.

The home was otherwise decorated as a hodgepodge of feudal times and modern. Simple, elegant, beautiful and everywhere pictures in frames and ancient paintings. She'd managed to find few artworks depicting the legend of the Shikon Jewel, most were in-accurate but some had been so spot on that it had ached. She'd bought them anyway because the ache had not been a painful feeling, more of a reminder of simpler times. The pictures were of her friends. She remembered when she'd finally managed to bring a camera to the past. Inuyasha had looked at it as if it was some kind of weapon. The first picture stored on the little thing had been that of a rushing Hanyou, sword raised, eyes flashing dangerously as her friends slammed into him from all sides in an attempt to protect the new toy. The second picture had been of all of them in a heap on the ground, Inuyasha underneath them all, smiles on all their faces.

She had pictures of their weddings. Sango beautiful in a white gown Kagome had made herself (with perhaps a bit of help from Kaede). She had a pretty blush on her cheeks, her eyes locked on the man before her, her smile simple and free of all other thoughts. Love made her glow. Miroku had placed a single hand against her cheek, his eyes devoted and shimmering with tears of happiness. Their mouths had been just centimeters apart and Kagome had managed to capture them in a moment of perfection. Next to it was Kykyo dressed in a kimono of purest silk, white with pink cherry blossoms falling across it. The undead miko had been a vision. The picture captured her with her eyes closed, face tilted upwards and filled with life, lips just brushing lips. Inuyasha had one arm around her waist, the other holding her hand between them, against his beating heart, lips gentle against his new bride.

Not far from those was a picture of little Rin, now a demon, placing a crown of flowers upon a cringing Kohakus head with Shippo laughing uproariously in the back ground and Jaken red-faced and sputtering. There was a picture of Inuyasha resting among the branches of a tree, his arm hanging at his side as the sun rose around him. Sesshomaru standing atop a hill, his hair fluttering in the wind, gold eyes brilliant, breathtaking against the moon large and full behind him. Miroku red-faced but smiling with a fuming Sango. A picture of Kagome with Rin hanging from one arm and Shippo on the other, her mouth curved in laughter. A picture of her wielding a lethal sword, eyes calculating, face unmoving while across from her the Western Lord stood almost bored, his eyes focused but his stance one of confidence.A picture of Koga, cocky smile permanently on his face, tackled Inuyasha while his red-haired mate laughed in the back. in the center of the living room were twin portraits. On the left a picture that had been taken two days before the final battle, at her insistence.

Sango and Miroku stood on her left, hands clasped together, smiling softly gazes on the miko beside them. Kilala laying in front of them in her true form, Kohaku sprawled next to her grinning wildly. Beside her Inuyasha stood his golden eyes bright with laughter as he pulled her against his side with one arm, his other arm was around Kykyo who had turned so that her body rested safely against his chest, eyes closed as if listening to the steady beat of his heart. Jaken staff raised and in mid-run Rin hot on his heels a delighted smile on her face. Koga, Ayame wrapped in his arms, stood beside Sango and Miroku while the dragon, Ah-Un, rested his twin heads beside Kykyos feet. Shippo was tucked in her arms, his eyes twinkling mischievously and behind her, dwarfing them, was Sesshomaru his expression cold as ever save for the smallest curve of his lips.

On the pictures right was another, taken not long before she was pulled through the well. Sango and Miroku were again on her left, this time Mirokus hand rested against Sango's almost flat belly, his eyes held wonder and she smiled down at him. Inuyasha had a newly revived demoness Kykyo wrapped in his arms staring down at her with an aching smile. The demoness had a soft smile on her face as she looked up into her mates eyes, her hand reaching out and holding Kagomes in a tight grip, a single tear rolling down her cheek. Kilala stood atop Ah-Un's twin heads, the big cat nuzzling the dragon fondly. Little Rin stood in front of her, an achingly beautiful little girl with silver hair and bright gold eyes, a bright grin on her face and a bouquet of wild flowers in her hands. Beside the young girl stood Kohaku and Shippo (hair now streaked with silver), both smiling at the young girl, both standing over her protectively. Behind her Sesshomaru had placed a hand on her shoulder drawing her gaze upwards to him and offering her a rare smile his eyes bright but guarded. Keeping his sense open for any danger that may come to his pack. Next to Rin and the boys lay Koga a baby in his arms, sleeping soundly, and Ayame chasing after a laughing Jaken who held the baby's twin carefully against his small frame as he tried to escape the she-wolf.

Happy times. She allowed none of her sadness to taint this place. Even though it hurt she was surrounded by her friends here, even if they were nothing more than pictures. She liked to imagine that these were the same memories that her friends had held onto in the past, that somehow they were still connected through their memories. Lost in thought she didn't notice Shippo approach her until she felt him touch her leg softly. Looking down into his bright green eyes she felt some of her sadness ease. Reaching down she picked the young kit up in her arms and smiled broadly, "Ready to go meet your aunt?" Shippo smiled and hopped out of her arms, rushing around the room in uncontrolled excitement. Laughing at her sons antics she managed to convince him to sit still. Along with fixing up the house the two had been working on his illusions. It had taken a little time, not as much as she had feared, for her young son to hide his demonic nature. He was taller than his original form, roughly Rins size when they had first met her, his green eyes brilliant in a face that held not a hint of his demonic origins. His eyes remained a bright green, and his hair was still a bright orange streaked with silver, but he managed to hide the single drop etched into his forehead along with the phoenix fire around it. He was still a gorgeous boy, his body still lean and strong but obviously young and no longer ethereal. Something he could easily get away with in his truer, smaller form but one that would attract too much attention in a 'seven year old's' body. After she agreed that his disguise was perfect he rushed to change into dark jeans and a soft brown shirt, struggled to put on his sneakers and then hoped around impatiently until Kagome finally managed to drag both him and Kilala from the house.

Her Aunt Atsuko worried over her for a few moments, a hand resting against her forehead. Yusuke had had the foresight to tell her that Kagome had felt ill after the long train ride, explaining why she had not stopped to see her aunt sooner. Once the older woman was satisfied that Kagome was in good health she had turned and fairly gushed over young Shippo. They exchanged pleasantries and spoke of a time before the well, when she and Yusuke had played together as children until, exhausted, Shippo fell asleep head resting in her lap as he fingers ran through absently through his hair. Seeing this her aunt had cast a worried look over her young niece, chewing on her bottom lip softly before shaking her head gently.

"Kagome about..."

Kagome had raised a hand to stop her before the questions to begin. Smiling softly she looked towards the sleeping demon.

"Shippo's seven now, he was a bit small when he was younger, you know? The doctors say he'll grow big as a tree if he keeps this up..." Her voice trailed off, eyes moving somewhere far away.

Atsuko sighed softly but when she spoke her voice was almost harsh, angry, bitter, "But Kagome you're so young. It's hard raising a child alone." Kagome understood the tone, understood it in a way her aunt could never understand. To be alone, thrust into a world you'd been born to but were no longer a part of, to fight off the weight of her depression even knowing her friends would want her to be happy, to be responsible for a child that love refused you to abandon and sheer stubbornness allowed you to keep. It left scars though, she need only look at the empty liquor bottle overflowing in the trash can to understand that raising a child alone left scars. Sometimes they weren't even scars, sometimes they were nothing but festering wounds that refused to heal save for when that child is there and whole and healthy and your love shines. Kagome had already felt the beginning of those wounds but Shippo was hers, had been from the moment they had laid eyes on each other. From the moment she had been willing to die at the hands of the thunder brothers for him.

"I know I'm young but, you see, he was the brother of a dear friend of mine. It was a train crash. His mother and father died instantly, but she was in a coma for weeks. She woke up only for a few minutes and begged me to watch him. She died later that night. Kilala here was hers as well and I just couldn't leave her behind." The lie stung in her throat. Not just because she was lying about a friend that hadn't existed but because Shippo's parents had not died immediately. They had been made to suffer and it was obvious that Shippo still felt that pain. Her eyes drifted over his sleeping form so innocent and sweet, he had been a godsend. The little fox kit had been the only thing that had kept her going despite everything. They had managed to enroll Shippo in a school not far from hers and Kilala would be there to watch him but he was a demon and, at over fifty years of age Inuyasha had been emotionally only a year or so older than herself, as a seven year old demon it would take Shippo another forty three years to reach even that level of physical maturity. There was no disputing that in many ways Shippo was already more mature than Inuyasha had been. If he was still alive Kagome hoped, fervently, that that had not changed. She had already decided that, after this year of school, she would have to home-school her son because normal schools would not understand him or, more importantly, might one day stumble upon the truth. It was safer if she taught him herself, would be better if she could find her friends to help her. She didn't have a clue about how to train a young fox demon, and she had resolutely refused to entertain the notion of asking Yusuke's friend. She didn't know that demon, didn't even know her cousin anymore and there was a pang of anger that her haven had been ripped away from her by demons. Her life seemed filled with demons and though their reemergence in her life gave her hope it also made her angry. Hadn't she suffered enough? Hadn't they all?

Atsuko found herself unable to argue, instead turning back to safer territory. Swiftly she turned their attention to school, maps, advice on where to shop for supplies and other such mundane things. She hadn't really thought about what she was saying, the words flowing freely from her lips as her mind stood frozen in time. After Kagome left, carrying a sleeping Shippo and her strange cat following behind, smiling happily before stepping out towards home. She found herself standing there for a moment, watching her young niece intensely. Finally, once her tired eyes could no longer see the younger woman, she turned inside and closed the door. Her mind took her back to that one moment. Atsuko understood pain, the pain of a life alone with a son she adored. Understood the pain of watching your life go all the wrong ways and be powerless to stop it. But the day her son had died...The pain she had felt, knowing she had yelled at him, like she always did when she drank, when she got that phone call. He was a hero the police officer had said in a confused town, as if her son's act of heroism was out of character, but the moment the words "he's dead" had passed the mans lips all she could think was that she had yelled at him. Hurt him when she should have been holding him, taking care of him, telling how much she loved him. For days she had known nothing but a kind of numb darkness that had seemed to rip through every facet of her soul.

But the pain on Kagome's face had been...impossible. It was as if, somehow, the girl had been torn into pieces and then thrown into raging fire. Shaking her head she almost ran to the phone, sure she was over-reacting. Positive her sister would set her straight. Her sisters voice soothed her as they exchanged pleasantries, but Akutso found herself unable to stop the questions from pouring out of her. Her sister answered very few of these question but even that had been enough. Somehow, someway, Kagome had suffered something terrible. Akutso knew a single moment could destroy you, no matter how strong you were, she had felt that pain when her husband had beat her near to death when she was eight months pregnant with her son, Yusuke had survived but that moment had destroyed her life, had shattered her almost beyond repair. She could only surmise that whatever it was that had been, whatever moment it was that had shattered the girl had been kept in check by nothing but love and sheer force of will. Akutso wondered how that could be enough, because the pain in her nieces eyes was so intense, so focused, every memory, every thought, every beat of her heart, must be a razors edge. It was a pain that should have dwarfed the girl but it hadn't yet. The battle could still go either way.

For a moment she reached for a bottle, ready to make the pain fade, but thinking about Kagome, about her eyes, made her stop. Instead tears came, overflowing and shocking her, and, in a frenzy, she went through the house emptying and throwing away every single bottle she could was how Yusuke found her, accompanied by his friends, not twenty minutes later. Bent over the sink, crying, pouring out one bottle after another and tossing them into the trash. Hiei would have never thought this strange had it not been for Yusuke's shocked expression. Apparently this had never happened before, or if it had it had never happened with such severity.

"Mom? Mom you ok? What the hell are you doing?" She turned to him and Hiei saw many things there: Anger, love, shame, pride, but mostly he saw pain. For a moment he found himself frowning inwardly, wondering why it was always pain? Why was it that the one thing that always returned, that always lay in wait, was pain? None could escape it, none could prevent it, even if one banished all emotion there would still be pain, unacknowledged but very real pulsating like a sickness of the soul.

"Kagome was here. Oh Yusuke."

"But why's all the booze gone?" Yusuke asked, confusion and shock making the question come out choked. Akutso reached for her son, pulling him against her and, slowly, carefully, Yusukes own arms crept around her waist. A wealth of meaning lay in that embrace and Hiei felt another kind of pain tear open an old wound, the pain of loss for a mother he had never known. A mother that, from his own sister's account, had died yearning for the child she had lost. Where the thoughts had come from he didn't know, they blindsided him. His face remained stoic but his body took an involuntary step backwards, out of the house. Recovering quickly he made it seem as if his intention was to offer privacy, Kurama looked at him questioningly but Hiei merely sniffed irritably and continued on his way. Once freed from view he allowed his instincts to guide him. Cleansing his mind of all thoughts, pushing away all feeling. He had never been such a fool as to allow himself to become emotionless. To feel too much was dangerous, to feel nothing at all was suicide, but in this moment he needed the release of simple thoughtlessness. It didn't take him long to realize where his feet were taking him. Within minutes he was outside of her house, unsure why it was here that he had come. For a moment, just a moment, his body told him to walk to the door and knock. It told him she would allow him sanctuary there, perhaps even peace for a brief time. He rejected the idea immediately, he had yet to sate his hunger for companionship. The thought that the slip of a girl, a miko, would drive him into a woman's arms was irritating. That anyone should be allowed even that little control over his life without his permission irked him to no end. The miko was an irritation, constantly popping into his mind whenever he allowed his thoughts to wander. Not just admiration for a figure that was, plainly, mouth-watering. Oh the girl was not the most beautiful creature he had seen but she was a close second. But also because of her skill, her control over her powers and her handling of a blade had earned at least a single mark of respect. Things like her smell; open fields, clean air, a summer rain would drift into his mind for no reason and that was worth killing her for. Speaking of said irritant he watched as the door opened, her head popping out defiantly, curiosity shinning in eyes that searched carefully. He watched her eyes pass over him, then returned. The weight of her stare like lead. He stood unmoving.

Kagome drew in a soft breath as she studied the fire demon before her. His red eyes were watching her, waiting, and she found herself smiling. She been in her room, staring at the ceiling with Shippo and Kilala snuggled to her sides. Her thoughts had been rather...depressing at the time. It was hard to live in her own time, who could possibly understand what that felt like? She had been contemplating the answer when she had felt his presence, like a whisper against her skin. Warmth flooded her, her stomach fluttered. She wondered if it was that he was a fire demon that she could feel this heat, it would certainly explain why his presence both before and now shot warmth through her body. Lifting herself, gingerly, from the bed she made her way silently to the door. Popping her head out she felt him, her eyes searched before she passed over him. He looked like a shadow. Turning her gaze back to him she had expected something more...violent. Instead he stood there, watching, and she found herself tilting her head towards the door questioningly.

He saw the motion and his mind slowly came back to himself. Her actions were curious, why invite him inside? Frowning he tried to tear his eyes from the girl but, instead, found himself drinking in the sight of her, smelling her fresh scent even from here. Slowly, carefully, he moved his eyes away from her. Turning away he walked a few feet away from her before jumping upwards into the trees. Kagome stared at him in wonder, considering who he reminded her more of in that moment. Inuyasha jumping into the tree? Or Sesshomaru coldly turning away? Neither? Both? She chuckled softly her mind returning to that moment, just before the well had pulled her back against her will.

What if I lose myself?

"Simply remember that you are Kagome and that we are here. All time exist as one, you may not see us, or hear us, but we will be here to remind you of who you are and who you will always be."

For a moment she could see them there, through the veil of time. Tears in the eyes, smiles on their faces, laughter in the air as their hearts returned them to each other even only in her own imagination.

"All time exists as one..." She whispered into the wind, allowing it to scoop it up and echo through the leaves into the fire demons ears. She allowed her eyes to wander to the tree before stepping back and turning into the house and back to bed. The door remained opened, inviting.

Hiei studied that door for hours, wondered, questioned, and, finally, made his way inside closing it softly behind him.