Once Christine realized that she had feelings for Erik, everything was so much clearer.
That was why she kissed him, why she sang so beautifully for him, missed him so much while he was gone, couldn't keep him off her mind—it was so obvious, why had she not noticed it before?
But with those questions answered, new ones arose in their place.
What were his feelings? Had he been as oblivious to hers as she had been, or had he perceived all? Was there a chance that he could ever love her again or had she dashed her chances of winning his affection forever?
Now more than ever she regretted the choice she had after the performance of Don Juan Triumphant, when she had chosen Raoul over Erik. What a mistake that had been.
She supposed that she had always known that Erik was truly the only one she could ever love. However, at the time, she had been young, innocent, and afraid of Erik's power over her and the intensity of his emotions. In many ways she had still been a little girl, and she had not been ready for such a passionate relationship. But he had always, doubtlessly, been the only man she could ever love. She hadn't ever been truly in love with Raoul, just an infatuation that hadn't lasted the test of time.
So…what would she do now? Should she blurt out the truth? Or wait for him to make a move? It was unlikely that he would do so. After the catastrophe that had ensued the last time he was so open with her, it was doubtful that he would ever be so open with her again. She had hurt him deeply. It looked as if she would have to be the courageous one and put herself out there.
If only she could just have some hint as to where his feelings lied, so that she wouldn't make a complete and utter fool of herself by telling him how she felt, and then get harshly rejected. But trying to understand him was like trying to understand a foreign language; incomprehensible. She was at a loss about what to do next, so for the time being she decided she would keep her feelings to herself.
Erik was a frequent visitor now, and she would often come home to a steaming cup of freshly made soup and a hot bath already drawn. She hadn't given Erik a key, but of course he had found some way to get in—but she didn't mind. His company was something she longed for during the long, dreary work hours. She would often have a lesson with him—he had managed to bring in a baby grand, yet another miracle that he was able to pull off—after dinner, working late into the night. She didn't mind however, frankly she would rather spend time with him than sleep—which was saying something; it was a cherished rare blessing when she was able to close her eyes and drift into a blissful dreamland.
He had been talking recently of wanting to get her career back on track, moving to a new country to do so, and she could not agree more. She didn't want to have to admit to him that there was no way she could afford to move yet, so she just covered it up with weak little lies about how much she loved Paris, even though she would really love to go to Italy or Spain. But it seemed that she wouldn't get that luxury for a while. Erik had already done so much for her; she didn't want him to be paying for all her expenses as well.
One night, in particular, he stressed his wishes very strongly. They had just finished a successful lesson and he fed off of the achievements of the past few hours.
"I hate to see your talent wasted while you toil away in some tailor's shop," he muttered bitterly as she got out a pair of a bachelor's socks she was darning. She shrugged indifferently, trying not to show how much she hated it there. She honestly wanted him to whisk her away to Italy or some exotic city, but until she saved up the money she would have no way to afford it.
"You surely can't enjoy working there?" he asked incredulously, led on by her shadowy answer.
"No," she admitted. "But it pays the bills."
He was silent for a while, carefully choosing his words. "Surely, you must know that I could support the both of us."
She nodded. "Yes, but I don't want to make you have to pay for all my expenses. I don't want to be a burden to you."
"You aren't a burden, Christine!" he cried exasperatedly. "You're anything but a encumbrance—you're—" he stopped short. "Will…will you please consider it? For my sake?"
Her heart hammered against her ribcage, thumping wildly as his words reverberated in her mind. "Anything but an encumbrance…for my sake…" what could he have meant? For his sake? Did he just want the best for his prodigy as any tutor would, or was there something more? Did he truly care for—
She stopped short. She was reading way too much into this.
He was just a kind man who cared for his student and wanted her to have the same success as she had four years ago. That was all.
Realizing she had been staring blankly at his knee for an uncomfortably long while, she quickly adjusted her gaze to his face and stuttered "Yes, I'll—I'll consider it. Once the finances are available."
He was practically pleading with her, begging her to let him pay her way to Italy. "They are available, Christine! I can pay your way there and back a tenfold. Don't you want to return to your true home, the stage? To sing for multitudes of people? To fall in love with music again?"
"I never stopped," she whispered. But she was not talking of music, of course.
Erik did not pick up on this, and continued to talk of moving. "Then go with me," he replied, his voice just as soft as hers.
"I can't," she said.
Even though she would have loved to go with him, it was just too complicated. What if they had a falling out and he left her, or if something happened to him and he was unable to support her? She could only speak French and Swedish fluently, and only bits and pieces of English and Italian. There would be no way for her to find any type of work, and hence no way for her to return to her homeland or France. She would be hopeless and alone in an alien country.
He looked as if he wanted to continue to plead with her, but he turned away instead, his back to her and head lowered.
"I thought you were still passionate about m—music. About music," he stuttered.
"I am," she assured him, stepping around him to face him again. "I just can't go until I am able to stand alone on my own two feet."
"I promise, Christine, I will provide for you, if you'll just let me."
"No, Erik," she sighed regretfully. "Not now. But someday."
He nodded dejectedly. "You had a good lesson today. I'll leave you now if you'll excuse me."
And after that, he didn't speak a word of her career again—for a while anyway. But she could still tell he wasn't content with her current job—but neither was she. They continued to ignore the elephant in the room and go on with her lessons, even though it was still weighing on their minds.
Christine's work carried on as usual, however the old lady that she worked with grew increasingly ill. She took on her coworkers load as well as her own, too soft to see the old woman lose her income and be subjected to beg and, eventually, die in the streets. She had gathered that the woman took care of her deceased son's child with the assistance of his wife. The knowledge that she was helping someone, even if it wasn't a major contribution, made the hours seem to pass faster. And additionally, when she thought of the man that would be waiting for her at her apartment, the time flew by.
A fortnight after her revelation she began to wonder if perhaps spending so much time with him was a good thing. Of course she loved him and his company, but she was beginning to doubt whether he would ever return her feelings. She could tell that he didn't care about her in that way, and it was unlikely that he ever would. So she tried to slowly deatach herself from him…
But one did not pick whom they loved.
AN: Soooooo sorry it has been eons since I have updated! I hope someone is still reading this hahaha. Anyways, life just kind of happened and I have barely had any time to breathe, let alone write. My schedule is (kind of) clearing up now, so back to regular updates I promise! Thanks for the support!