PLAIN JANE IN THIRTEEN CHAPTERS: A SLIGHTLY EXISTENTIAL FANFIC
JANE 10
In
The
Wondrous
Realm
Of
Fan
Fiction
AKA
Caster
Sugar
Land
Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. The voice stopped mumbling and turned in another direction.
Maybe I shouldn't have. It stopped again, gulped and turned back.
But the thing is that I'd never really done anything exciting I'm just the medium through which people do exciting things….
Jane groaned. Someone was talking in English in her ear. She hadn't heard it in months. But she was too tired to do anything.
If she actually dies, then I'll be in trouble.
Dies, thought Jane, who is going to-
She gasped and scrambled to sit up.
All around her was white. Everything was white, it was impossible to distinguish where the floor and ceiling began, or maybe she was not in a place with proper dimensions. And it was snowing, she thought, idly, holding her hand out to catch some. But it wasn't snow, she realised, it wasn't cold and it was far too powdery.
She brought some to her lips and licked. It was caster sugar!
She'd been here before, but when? And then it all came back to her. Her nemesis; fan fiction.
"Fan fiction! What do you want?" she snapped.
Ohhhhhhh! It wailed. This confused and perturbed her; what was wrong with it? This is so terrible and sad! No one understands my pain!
What on earth was it going on about? She could hardly pay attention, she felt so dizzy though, so faint. Almost like she was in two places at the same time. If she closed her eyes, it almost felt like she was lying on a bed somewhere, somewhere warm that smelled of lavender and she felt safe.
"Am I out of Middle Earth then?" she asked, shocked.
No no, I've just taken your subconscious out for a little chat…
"What?" Jane shrieked. ""Where is my body?
Oh, it's being prodded by those pointy eared creatures, most of them have never seen a human girl before, or anything that dirty for a while, like being clean those Elves, they're very excited-
"What, are they…am I being healed?"
Well hopefully.
"Hopefully?" squeaked Jane.
Oh shut, snapped fan fiction, I'm in far bigger trouble than you.
"I'm dying!"
I'M BEING AUDITED! Fan fiction screamed.
Jane decided to lie back down on the caster sugar carpet.
"This truly is the worst and weirdest day of my life," she muttered.
I have been informed, said fan fiction, very tensely, that if you die while under my protection, then not only will there be A LOT of paperwork, but I might have to pay a great deal of money.
"My poor broken body is in a tree house somewhere, probably while a fictional character weeps into his shield and then tries to steal some jewellery off a midget," she said, dully, wondering how she came to this.
The thing is, Jane, is that I don't have any money!
"I'm probably in a lot of pain right now…wherever I am…and I don't care."
Fan fiction is free!
"Talking about yourself in the third person…it's the first sign of madness," said Jane, listlessly. "Says the girl covered in sugar worrying dying in a fictional world. Am I insane?"
You try and do people a service, and make their miserable lives a bit better-
"You stole me out of England and put me in a world where things eat other things!" shouted Jane.
Oh don't you think you're overreacting! Scolded fan fiction.
Jane sat up, enraged. "I'm overreacting? I'M OVERREACTING?"
Calm down, Jane. You know you're always thinking of yourself. You humans are so selfish. You should take a leave out of my book. Have you ever noticed how I'm so self sacrificing, that I never complain, that I'm always thinking of others? You really owe me a lot; I've been very kind to you.
She put her head between her knees. This was really too much to handle in a single day. The revelation that was Boromir, a balrog, being shot, killing things. Was this shock she was in, she wondered. She did feel rather shakey. Maybe she was dreaming; a dream within a dream, and Boromir was looking after her somewhere.
You've got to promise me something, said fan fiction.
"Shut up," said Jane.
Oh Jane, think of someone else for once. In my kind attempt to make you a better, well rounded person-
"You said you wanted to give yourself a sharper, edgier image," snapped Jane. "Don't pretend that dumping me in a river surrounded by murdering rapists was for my own benefit…character building. You awful awful person."
I'm not a person.
"You're a piece of crap, that's what you are."
Well perhaps it was to punish you a little. I can't always be altruistic, can I?
Jane picked up a handful of caster sugar and threw it in the air. Nothing happened.
Anyway, after you cruel, vicious and unwarranted attack on me-
"I said I was sorry, didn't I? One stupid comment and I'm sentenced to a year's imprisonment!"
You will find, Jane Thomas, said fan fiction, that your habit of saying things you don't really mean may one day get you into a lot of trouble and cause more heartbreak than you know. I will admit that I may have been a little hasty in sending you off into Middle Earth. And now I'm being punished!
Jane heard a weird rasping sound…was fan fiction crying?
"Are you…ok?" she asked tentatively.
NO! It snapped, weeping.
"I'm sorry," said Jane. She looked around for something to do to cheer fan fiction up. "I'm quite good at accounts and things," she said, "I used to do it at work, maybe I can help?"
I can't bring you back until the twelve months is over, said fan fiction, hoarsely. But if you die, then I will be shut down. I will cease…to exist, it said, dramatically.
Jane didn't know what to say. "Well, I wasn't really planning on dying either…"
Yes, it snapped, but you constantly put yourself in danger! I purposely put you in the path of a great hairy warrior the size of a bear to look after you and what have you gone and done to him?
"I haven't done anything to Boromir!" shouted Jane, outraged.
He's gone soft and dippy, moaned fan fiction. He's supposed to be a hard man! His only interests smoking, beheading orcs and lusty wenches!
"I don't think you know Boromir very well if that's what you think he's interested in. But I wanted to ask you about the, uh, changes that have…happened to him," said Jane, uneasily. "Um. He seems to have…developed feelings for me."
Boromir romances are rare, said fan fiction. For a reason.
What reason is that?" asked Jane.
He dies.
Jane felt like she'd been slapped in the face. "I can change that," she said.
You can try, said fan fiction, darkly. But you're not enough to change the whole world. You can't adjust your own fate.
"It's not really a world, it's just a story." Jane wasn't really sure if she believed that anymore, though.
Then why do you care so much about it?
Jane ignored that. "Is it real?" she asked. "I've been leaving in Middle Earth for months, I've learned their language, I've been covered in their dirt…it has to be, right?"
You want to know whether his feelings for you mean anything.
"Well," said Jane. "Maybe. I just want to know…what it means. Why does he like me, anyway," she said, almost to herself.
What does the Lord Boromir see in you? Fan fiction mused. I've no idea, you have none of the characteristics that his race find appealing. Your parents, when they were alive, were dentists, not nobles, your hair is neither blonde nor brown, your eyes are mud coloured and your face is too expressive to be properly beautiful. You talk all the time and it' mostly nonsense, and you're always covered in mud. If it hadn't been you, it would probably have been Legolas; he's much prettier than you. It's probably your breasts. Legolas doesn't have breasts.
"Well aren't you in a nasty little mood," snapped Jane. "Boromir isn't that superficial, he likes me for me, not my hair colour. Or my breasts! And he's not gay!"
Jane couldn't tell how, but fan fiction was smirking.
Promise me you won't die, even for your soppy bear man, said fan fiction.
"I'm not promising you anything, you…orc face!" she retorted.
Well, Jane, I can't say I'll miss your wit, but I had better send you back, said fan fiction.
And with that, Jane melted into sub consciousness, wishing that she had asked fan fiction who or what was auditing it and how.
A little sojourn into Caster Sugar Land. Tell me what you think! We're nearing the end... Thank you all for your reviews and pointers, they've been a massive help! Lxx