Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.

A/N: There a couple of (arguable) parallels that I tried to touch on in this chapter, don't know if I pulled it off well at all.

Beta Note: Thank you elizabeth . bynog for all the help.

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Rick was stewing, he knew it; he'd apparently been lied to, and it wasn't the first time. Not the first time by Detective Beckett, and not the first time by a woman in his life either. He had probably lied also; he had secrets he didn't share, and got evasive with; but she knew many of those too, so perhaps he'd been less evasive with her than others. Two wrongs don't make a right though, and no matter what their history, she was perpetuating a giant lie even while promising no more lies? How could he ever trust her?

He had finished reading the Nikki Heat novels and could see the excitement he felt as an author in that character. No doubt he was obsessed by what he termed his "extraordinary muse", but clearly the Detective had wanted something other than an obsessed fan in her life. The character notes were fascinating, bridging stories between the fictional life he had constructed and the notes hand written on the life of Detective Kate Beckett.

A knock on the front door startled him from the immersion he had fallen into in reading notes, he wasn't expecting anyone who didn't have a key. He'd given a spare to Judy so she could get in to help him out of bed in the morning without bothering his mother or Alexis. Heading out of the office and into the den he saw the dead bolt had been thrown.

It was bit of an convoluted effort to open the door with his legs sticking out in front of him, but he eventually succeeded and allowed Judy entry into the loft.

She in turned flashed him a beautiful, happy smile. "Hi Rick. How are you doing tonight?"

Her happiness was a little contagious, but he still felt stretched thin by the problems of the day so far. "Ok I guess."

"Well, I guess doesn't sound too good does it? Come over here and let me check you out." She led him over to the sofa, where he parked the chair next to the side table; a lamp throwing off plenty of light.

Her examination followed its usual pattern: pulse, temperature, wound sites, queries about headaches and other pain. Then the questions, always pushing his brain.

"Wife stress you today Rick?"

Small talk on this topic wasn't what he wanted, wives had cause nothing but pain, "I'm not married. Divorced. Twice."

"Girlfriend then?"

He'd had a lot of experience with women feeling him out, trying to gauge his temperature and personal life before, both when single and married, some days he handled it better than others. Now though he was a free agent apparently, and Judy was trying to establish the lay of the land.

"No. No girlfriend."

Judy tilted her head, reached out to touch his cheek; the touch caught him by surprise, he twitched and the chair spun in place, knocking the side table, lamp crashing to the floor where it broke in half.

"Sorry! Sorry!"

He laughed, the situation just amusing for some reason. Judy quickly bent down, picking up the lamp pieces before winking at him, and heading to the kitchen, "I'll just get rid of this, it's broken now; no good to you anymore."

When Judy had disposed of the lamp pieces she once again crossed the den, stepping up behind his chair and putting her hands on his shoulders.

"You seem tense, a nice massage would be good, right?"

"I'm aways up for a massage, Judy."

She giggled, which sounded similar to how nurse Wendy had behaved, but different styles and all that. She started to move her hands, loosening the muscles in his neck, tight from holding position in the chair for so long. "It's a pity you're alone Rick. You're charming, handsome, successful, but do you get lonely Rick?"

Lonely? Did he get lonely, yes incredibly, he needed people around him, perhaps why he'd married Gina, for the company, though obviously that had become a horrible mistake in hindsight.

Her fingers were lightly massaging his neck, and the tension was easing, the addition of thumbs softly stroking his neck made him think this had become something other than a purely medicinal massage.

"You know, when you're better Rick, healthy, we should hang out. I like you."

"That might be fun Judy."

"When you're out of that chair, I'll treat you, take you out for a burger."

Rick always loved a good burger, at a restaurant, at home; burgers were fun, filling, family, hope. A juicy patty and bun, with a milkshake was always something to be looked forward to. So often it had been a treat he shared with Alexis as she grew up, something soggy, fattening and with a sweet dessert to reward her for a great report card. Given they were so common it was surprising she was as health as she was. The memories of what hadn't been lost were filling his mind and an irresistible smile crept its way across his face.

Judy was leaning in close as she leaned around the side of the chair, "So what do you think Rick? Interested?"

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Kate had watched Rick steer his chair over to his office, awkwardly zagging his way through the door. She turned away, approached the front door, and with only the briefest of hesitations turned the deadbolt firmly; locking herself in.

Giving herself a firm nod she turned and made her way upstairs, to her temporary quarters. Tossing the sweater aside, she threw herself on top of the bed, determined to relax, let the stress of the day fade away.

Leave? She almost broke out in laughter, the absurdity, he wanted her to leave because he thought she was going to leave him. Kate murmured to herself as she settled in, "Never going to happen."

She was tense, stressed, worried, and wound tight, but somehow the simple repetition of never, never, never, lulled her into sleep; a short restful nap.

The sound of a crash jarred Kate awake, triggering her to bolting upright in the guest bed; fear rushed through her veins as she reached for her gun and stood. She slipped quietly out of the bedroom and to the top of the stairs. Listening intently she heard voices, Ricks's easily identifiable, and the other not a familiar voice but identifiable enough as distinctly not male, not Jerry Tyson.

Kate relaxed, the unacknowledged tension that had been creeping into her shoulders as she neared the top of the stairs falling away at the female voice. She started down the stairs, only to pause as she heard a giggle, a distinctly feminine giggle. Listening carefully again she felt the tension return slowly. Judy was flirting, acting unprofessionally; she was supposed to be here to look after him, not hit on him! Kate started to fume internally, yes Rick was handsome, desirable, but that was no excuse for this kind of behavior from a professional.

The last straw came moments later.

"So what do you think Rick? Interested?"

Kate almost few down the stairs, stopping and staring at the scene. Judy was leaning over Rick, stethoscope pressed against his chest. As soon as Rick saw her, Kate could see his eyes narrow, anger beginning to cloud his features.

Deciding she'd deal with him later, neither of them was going anywhere, she gestured at Judy; realizing as she did that her hand still held her weapon. "Judy? May I have a word about the patient please?"

Rick apparently decided that discretion was the better part of valor, with Kate clothed in a tank and yoga pants, waving a pistol at Judy. He left them alone, whirring off once again to his office. Kate just hoped he didn't call 911.

There was no giggle in Judy's voice now, just a abundance of nervousness, "Detective?"

Kate rolled her shoulders, settling into an almost boxing stance, aggression audible in her tone too. "I'm going to make one thing perfectly clear Judy. Rick Castle is not available. Understood?"

Judy smirked, apparently her nerves over the pistol were fading fast. "I asked him Detective, he's not seeing anyone."

"Apart from what you were doing being completely unprofessional... He's got amnesia you idiot! He wouldn't remember if he got married last month."

"Unprofessional? I merely made some inquiries. Asked some questions, he seemed responsive. I certainly wouldn't date him while he..."

The flash of possessiveness that ran through her burned her nerve endings, driving her to step close, get right in Judy's face for additional emphasis, "You won't be dating him at all! He. Is. Mine. Understood?"

Judy started to open her mouth, some response apparently pending, when Kate barked again, "Understood? From now on you will act professionally, nothing more. I love him Judy, and I will do anything to protect the us I'm trying to rebuild. You do not want to get in my way."

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By the time Kate was done talking to Judy, she returned to Rick's office only to see that he was gone; the door to his bedroom closed against intrusion. She was torn, he clearly wanted to be left alone, especially by her, but at the same time this was something she felt needed to be dealt with now. Her decision had been made over and over, and she was unwilling to accept exclusion from his life. Ready and willing to accept that her choice, to barge in on him, might appear selfish, driven as it was by what she wanted, him, and not by his desires. At the same time she knew that time apart with the issue not dealt with would only let it fester and make any eventual confrontation even worse. Hiding things from each other had never ended well; tonight was proof once again of that lesson not being learned.

Heart beat accelerating, Kate grasped the door handle and twisted; the knowledge that it was unlocked easing some of her tension.

As soon as she stepped through the door Castle frowned, growling out at her "I told you to leave."

Kate knew it would be hard, vowed to herself to not respond with her usual vengeful anger, and spoke calmly instead, "No."

He was visibly frustrated at the response, "This is my home, you..."

She did belong here, knew exactly what he was going to say. "This was hours away from becoming my home too Rick."

"You walked away, you chose something else." She heard the bitterness in his tone, and was sightly shocked he could be so hurt by the perception of dissolution of a relationship that he never even knew existed as anything by an intellectual idea. He was an emotional man, but one capable of discussing murder in a purely conceptual, analytic manner; he only got emotional about things he cared about.

"I changed my mind." The feeling that ran through her as she voiced the words was unexpected; joy. She had to fight to keep a smile off of her face, fearing he would react the wrong way; she gave voice to the joy instead, releasing to him the knowledge she hoped he would embrace too.

"Just like that? Brush it all away because you changed you mind?"

"Not just like that, but don't I get another chance?"

"How many chances have you already had Detective?"

"More than one Rick. I admit that."

"You admit what? That you want another chance or that you made a mistake?"

How did he not already understand this? She wasn't yelling, but her voice was raised in response to that question. "God Rick! Yes I made a mistake! I changed my mind though and I'm not giving up here. Give me another chance like I want to give you."

"You give me another chance? What the hell are you..."

"Marriage Rick! I would have married you, I will marry you, be your third. I'm a one-and-done type of girl, in it forever. You've made mistakes in marrying Rick, and I want to give you one more, one last chance to do it right. All I ask is another for me, from you."

"You're comparing..."

"I'm not comparing anything! I don't know why your marriages failed Rick, I'd like to know but I don't. All that matters is that that they ended. That means they were mistakes, weren't right for you; because you fight hard, work at it, are incredibly patient, for things you actually want. But you gave yourself another chance after after those mistakes. All I want is for you to give me one too."

"You don't know anything about them? Did I refuse to tell you or did you never ask? I don't even really remember the details with Gina, but I can remember every vivid detail of what happened with Meredith. Yeah it was a mistake, from day one."

"I know Rick, you married her because she got pregnant with Alexis. You wanted the dream, the dream of a happy family; and your desire for that dream led you to make a mistake Rick, one you fixed later. The dream wasn't a mistake Rick, to want that, it was that the dream was misdirected, was with the wrong person, the wrong situation."

He spat out his response, "What's was your dream, Agent? The one you left me for?"

"I didn't leave Rick, not really. I changed my mind over a weekend; how long did it take you to end things with Meredith? How long did that mistake drag on before you realized the error?"

"I didn't end it, she did. Beside the point, why are you avoiding the question?"

Kate's heart was beating fast now. Meredith had divorced him? What had he done? It didn't matter. Didn't matter. She kept telling herself, as she responded, "I wanted to be all I could Rick, to reach my full potential. My first reaction Rick? Tempted by the job. After the accident it was the same, a knee jerk reaction to you not remembering me. That first reaction was a mistake, just like your first reaction to marry Meredith. You regretted that didn't you? No matter what you did, you still regretted that marriage. I regret my first reaction; leaving would have been so wrong."

"What I did? What I did? You think that I was at fault? Your first reactions tell us a lot don't they?"

"Evidently my first reactions to things sometimes lead me astray Rick. You said she ended it. I just assumed..."

Kate could see his eyes cloud over, he was reliving a memory, and a painful one judging by how his face twisted.

"She cheated on me Detective. With her casting director. She cheated on me to get a better job, and then left for California to chase that dream of more and bigger roles. Meredith tossed aside loyalty, faithfulness; the sex didn't mean anything to her, it was all for her career. She ran off and filed in six-month separation, no-fault California; while I stayed in one-year separation New York looking after Alexis. Details do matter Detective. Only those details don't seem to matter to you..."

"She told me you shut her out, didn't let her know you."

"She told you that? Clearly you didn't ask me about it. Maybe I did. The marriage, hell the whole relationship with her, was a mistake. I didn't tell her about Jordan though did I? Nobody! Nobody ever knew that. You have no claim that I didn't let you in."

"I know that Rick. I know that now, I know you better than anyone else ever has."

"And I don't know you at all."

"You did. You knew me better than anyone too."

"Did I? I knew another woman whose career was more important than me?"

Kate could see how a career issue could be particularly painful for him, someone thinking of their career first as priority, and worth leaving him over; how that could really hurt him. Meredith had apparently discarded him for her career, cheated on him with someone better connected for her to advance it, then walked away from him and their daughter.

"My career wasn't more important Rick."

Ricks's voice could only generously be called something other than a yell at this point, "That's even worse! You left anyway!"

He could be so frustrating sometimes, "I didn't leave! I turned down the job. In between was just a momentary blip Rick! I've run away from you when hurt before, I threw you out of my life when angry. You walked away from me when you were angry. But we've always ended up back together again. Always."

He seemed to deflated, just lose the fight he'd been showing, almost give up on the discussion if she could call it that. "I've been burnt by women before Detective, I don't know that I can open that door again. I'm tired, can you help me into bed, then just go away. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

"Please Rick. Give me one more chance, that's all I need. I'll do anything."

He was obviously joking, deflecting away from anger to his standard place of hiding behind humor as he responded, "Like strip naked and get into bed with me?"

That was the Rick Castle she knew, a quick smart mouth, "Sure."

"You are not serious!"

Grinning and shaking her head, she was glad they weren't fighting anymore, at least some temporary relief, a chance to regroup, "No, but then neither were you. So we're even. You want to see me naked? You've got pictures on your phone."

"Sure, 'cause looking at the centerfold in Penthouse is just as good as a real naked woman in bed."

"Too bad. You're too hurt to do anything anyway. We'd only end up disappointed Rick."

He waggled his eyebrows in that way he had, it sometimes annoyed her but then sometimes made her smile. "So when I'm healthy?"

"We already talked about it Rick. When you want a relationship, not when you want sex. To have that relationship you have to be willing to give me another chance."

"I could always fake it."

The grin that flashed across Kate's face was extremely amused, "I never faked it with you Rick. Don't you start with me."

"Zing! Detective that was not what I meant."

"I know, we'll talk more in the morning, you should rest now."

"Sure, rest, all this stress isn't good for me."

"I know Rick, but I had to talk to you, let me help you into bed."

Moving him from his chair to the bed was always a struggle, and tonight was no different. After he was down and she'd fetched his latest dose of medicine, he laid back and finally spoke as he closed his eyes, "Go away Detective."

His breathing was slowing, deepening, even as Kate, responded, "Until tomorrow Rick."