A/N - Thank you all so much for the reviews / follows! I've already written another chapter, but I'm trying to figure out if I want to have one more chapter focused on Emily's POV before I post it. If you have any opinions, or like to see more of this type of writing before more drama, let me know :)
So much had happened since the night that Spencer kissed Emily.
As soon as she found out that Emily had came out to her parents, Spencer knew that she wouldn't be able to kiss Emily again. The first time she told she couldn't kiss Emily again was by Hanna. Spencer could see the side looks Hanna had been shooting her for a while, but she never thought that Hanna would be the one to talk to her about everything that happened that night. It hadn't been a long conversation—or really even a conversation at all.
"I love you, Spence. But she's happy now. Can we just let her be happy?"
Spencer had taken Hanna's words in full force. She wouldn't let herself be the cause of Emily's unhappiness. Instead, Spencer pushed aside any memory of the kisses and any feelings she might have started to develop for the other girl. She needed to focus on college and figuring out who A was. It felt like a slap in the face when A broke her and Alex up. Spencer had thrown herself into the relationship after her kiss with Emily. She could have been happy with Alex. It was one of the main reasons she had wanted to get intimate with him so quickly. Maybe that would cause a large spark in their relationship. It would have been perfect to go away for a weekend with him. Then she'd be away from Rosewood and finally actually be able to forget everything, even if it would have just been for a weekend.
Point, set, match! We both know he's not the one you want to kiss. –xo A.
It wasn't bad enough that A had broken her and Alex up, but as soon as she got home, Melissa and Ian had gotten married. Now, Spencer didn't even feel safe in her house. Ian was always there, but Melissa looked happy. And Spencer apparently was in the field of making everyone else happy lately.
Did it make her a horrible person that she was almost relieved when Maya was being sent away to boot camp? It made her feel like the worst sorts of person. Especially when she saw how devastated it made Emily. The look on Hanna's face was priceless when she told the girl that she would offer up her bedroom for Maya and Emily for a night. It felt strange, but the right thing to do. Spencer's actions had to compensate for her thoughts. If you fake being okay long enough, then you became okay. That was the way Spencer Hastings had been raised and she had to believe it, didn't she?
The becoming Emily's comforter concerning Maya the night of the dance was when it became too much for Spencer. She wished that it would have been Aria or Hanna that found Emily upset outside after talking to Maya. Instead, Spencer had to be the one to comfort Emily. She had to put the fake smile on her face and act accordingly to how Emily felt. Once Spencer could see the hurt in Emily's eyes, the entire dynamic of the situation changed. She wanted Emily to be happy. That's why everything was happening the way it was. Emily deserved to be happy. And Maya made her happy, so that was what was important. It didn't matter about the stinging inside her chest when Emily talked about Maya. None of it mattered if Emily was happy. Spencer was just being selfish. And it made her feel awful about being happy that Maya was being sent away. All the dislike she had felt towards Maya had shifted into absolute shame. Her anger had been misplaced. She didn't dislike Maya, she disliked herself for not being more like Maya. Her happiness of Maya being sent away was absolutely wrong and it made Spencer feel disgusted with herself.
Her emotions were only heightened when Emily was drunk. This Emily was different than the normally sweet girl she was accustomed to. This Emily was brutally honest and had an edge. The pain Emily was feeling over Maya was pouring out of her. There was no sugar coating and Spencer wanted to get Emily home as quickly as possible. She didn't know if she would be able to handle the honest truth about her. She didn't think she could handle it.
At least Hanna had agreed to spend the night along with Emily, Spencer didn't want to be alone with Emily and Ian in the same house. She honestly couldn't tell which conversation alone with one of them would have been worse.
Spencer tried to tiptoe around her room after the dance. Emily had too much to drink and she didn't want to wake her from the slumber that had finally taken over her. She pulled out some extra pajamas for Hanna and herself. They had decided to just let Emily have the bed and share the space on the floor once they decided to go to bed. There was more that Spencer needed to talk about and she wouldn't be able to sleep until she knew Ian wasn't going to be lurking around her house.
She froze as she heard the bed sheets crinkling. Her face crinkled as she slowly turned around. The last thing she wanted was to wake up Emily. After everything she had been through that night, Emily deserved to be able to sleep. The relief flooded through her body as she saw the other girl was still sound asleep. She definitely wasn't ready to deal with drunken Emily again that night. There was too much honesty and hurt within her.
A small smile appeared on Spencer's face as she saw how comfortably the other girl was sleeping. Even if it was because Emily was drunk, Spencer was glad that she was able to sleep. She set the pajamas down on the foot of the bed before she sat next to the brunette.
Emily's face was without any tension or emotion. Her hair had lost some of its curls, but it still fell almost perfectly around her face. There was just a piece of hair that was right across Emily's face. Spencer reached to brush the hair away and found her hand frozen in place right before touching Emily. Her breath trembled slightly as she gently wiped her fingers across the piece of hair pushing it to the side. She tucked the piece behind Emily's ear as slowly as she could. She told herself it was to make sure she didn't wake Emily, but it wasn't that. Spencer knew deep down that she just wanted to keep in contact with the other girl as long as she could.
She wondered how creepy it would seem to anyone else how peaceful she found just watching Emily sleep. The fact that Emily was sleeping so quietly in Spencer's bed only made Spencer's heart swell slightly more. Spencer wished she could wrap herself around Emily every night to make her sleep this comfortably, but she couldn't. It wasn't her place to be even having those thoughts. Spencer wished she could say the things she wanted to say to Emily. She wished that she could be brave for Emily. If she could be brave for Emily, then things would be different. For everything that Spencer believed herself to be, she knew deep down that she was a coward.
The thoughts consumed her mind and she couldn't hear anything else. If she hadn't been so deep in thought and just absolute admiration of Emily, Spencer would have noticed the door cracking open slightly. She would have been able to see Hanna almost enter the room before standing still in the doorway. She was too consumed to see or hear the other girl, but it was for the better. If she had seen Hanna there, the moment would have been ruined. This was entirely private and Spencer wouldn't be able to admit the things she did if she would have known Hanna was there.
"I wish I was strong for you." The words were true and it hurt to even say them out loud. All her life, Spencer had thrived to be the best. She had thrived to be the strongest, the smartest. Spencer wished she was all those things, but when it came down to the core, Spencer honestly wasn't the best. Sure she had her knowledge, but she wasn't brave or honest. She didn't have everything under control. She wished she did, but she didn't. "You deserve someone better who can do all the things I can't."
There were no tears in Spencer's eyes. This wasn't something she'd allow herself to be upset about again. It was just facts. Spencer had to accept this and move on. Spencer was used to doing that. It happened all the time in her family. She was expected to be the one to change their emotions to match what was happening. If Melissa needed the barn, then Spencer had to give it to her. It had been that way since she was a kid. It would be easier to just forget that she had ever wanted Emily in the first place.
"I'm sorry," Spencer whispered quietly to the sleeping girl on the bed. Spencer leaned down and pressed a longing kiss to Emily's forehead. Spencer had to move on. She had to forget about everything she felt for Emily and block out that part of her life. It would be the best thing for the two of them. "I'm sorry, Em."
The sight was just about the saddest thing Hanna had ever seen.
"Just some snarky comment about me being gay."
"I will destroy her."
Spencer had always ben protective, but the absolute hatred she felt at the moment for Paige McCullers was way more than she usually felt. She didn't want to just threaten Paige, she wanted to literally destroy her.
It was so easy to go to Emily's coach and tell her what had happened. Spencer felt vindicated. She had done her job to protect Emily. She would lie and say it was because Paige deserved it, but Spencer did it for Emily. She wouldn't allow anyone to say anything to hurt Emily. This was a way to make sure Paige knew that it wasn't acceptable to threaten Emily at all. Spencer knew that Paige wanted to go to college and to do that for swimming, she had to keep her reputation up. It wouldn't be a good thing at all if she were kicked off the team. Spencer knew that this could cause Paige her position and to see the absolute destruction of the other girl would make Spencer know that Emily was safe.
It wasn't until Emily found out that Spencer realized she had made a mistake.
"I'm not some helpless little lamb."
"I know that, but you're my friend and I didn't want her to get away with it."
"Well, I can stand up for myself."
"You never did before."
"Wow. Thank you for making sure my feelings didn't get hurt. Because you obviously are the best one for that job."
She could see the hurt in Emily's eyes at her words. Spencer hadn't meant for it to sound like that. She knew Emily could stand up for herself, but Spencer had to protect her. To even consider that Emily might just let Paige off the hook made Spencer so angry. But she knew she shouldn't have said the thing about Emily not standing up for herself. It only brought more anger out in Emily and Spencer knew why. She was ashamed as Emily left.
Who was she to make sure Emily's feelings didn't get hurt when she was the one who had hurt them so many times before.
Even when she knew Emily was mad at her, she was the first person Spencer called when she heard the bead woman say her name. Why had someone used her name? It clicked about the photo. It wasn't to intrigue the girls; it was to frame Spencer.
Someone wanted everyone to think Spencer had killed Alison.
Spencer had to tell the other girls. Even if it meant admitting one of her greatest fears, she had to do it. It surprised Spencer how easily Emily was to forgive her when Spencer apologized at her house. It was even before Spencer told them it was her in the photograph. Emily's hand had been on her back and rubbed comfortingly as Spencer had told the story. It allowed Spencer to focus and not freeze. It allowed Spencer to be completely honest and she was thankful for that.
"Are you sure he even wants you to come back?"
"Yeah, I think he does."
Spencer hadn't missed the hint of jealousy in Emily's voice, but she had to remind herself that she promised not to have those feelings about Emily anymore. If she gave in to Emily, it would just make it harder in the long run. Spencer had to stay strong and ignore the jealousy. Pretend like it wasn't there. Pretend that non of the feelings were there.
Toby was the first one to make Spencer think she could actually forget about Emily. She had been so wrong about him. He wasn't creepy. He was weirdly sweet and kind. Even after all the terrible things they had done to him, Toby was willing to talk to her. He was willing to sit and even laugh with her. If that had been Spencer, she wouldn't have been so forgiving.
Toby was honest and sweet. He reminded her of Emily and it was probably what attracted her to him in the first place. He wasn't someone that she could see all of. He was a mystery, a puzzle that she hadn't figured out yet. She thought she had, but she hadn't. He was completely different than her first impression. He didn't match the image on the box. It was frustrating, but that's what made Spencer interested. Spencer wasn't one for boring. And Toby definitely wasn't boring.
He frustrated her and wasn't afraid to push her buttons. When they played Scrabble together, she had first seen it. Toby had laughed at her. She knew he could tell that it had bothered her, but he wasn't going to let her win. It had started out as a mission to see what Jenna was doing, but it turned into something more. She could feel the tension in the room and it didn't make her uncomfortable. That surprised her. She felt comfortable enough to sleep in the same bed next to him and fully sleep. It wasn't only a half doze. She slept.
Then he had kissed her. And she had liked it.
Maybe she truly was moving on from Emily.
Of course it was when everything seemed to be getting better that it all turned out worse.
How could the police think that she would ever hurt Alison?
Spencer couldn't even process that the police thought she killed Alison. It made her stomach twist and turn. Even her own family seemed like they thought she was guilty. It was too much for Spencer to handle alone. Even with her friends, Spencer knew they wouldn't understand. They all had separate things to think about.
Spencer found herself leaning more on Toby. He understood exactly what she was going through. The police had trailed him before. Everyone had been convinced he was guilty. Spencer only felt guiltier the more the police focused on her. She was one of the reasons that he had been put through the same thing. She was one of the main things that had caused him all the suffering. There was something that made her trust him.
"Do me a favor. If you ever get the urge to run away again, call me first, okay?"
He was sweet and cared about her. Spencer needed that. She needed to be cared about. In the back of her mind though, Spencer wished it was Emily comforting her. She wished it was Emily who was over at her house, talking to her sweetly and making sure she was alright.
He cared and believed her. And for now, that was exactly what she needed to have.
After she was locked in the haunted house, Spencer wished it had been Emily outside. She needed the comfort. She had forgot about all the expectations that her parents had. Even with her mom there, Spencer was sick of doing everything right. By sneaking around, she had been locked in a room. She was sick of not being able to do the things she wanted to do. If Emily had been there, Spencer would have kissed her. Instead, it was Toby. And Spencer really liked him. She really did. And she wouldn't keep herself from kissing him.
She was done being afraid.