A/N: whoaaa, the reviews for last chapter were absolutely wonderful. This is the longest chapter yet (over 10,000 words). ALSO, how fricking confusing is the timeline in pll. I had to like recheck because I was trying to figure out dates and such. So much has happened in such a short time. I wrote this in between studying for midterms, so hopefully i'll be done with my timely absences. Please review because they really do inspire me! :)
NOVEMBER 2010 – well, love was kind for a time…
Just seeing her parent's reaction to Toby at the door absolutely terrified Spencer. He had just been coming to check up on her and her dad had been so rude to the boy. The thought that her dad might be rude to Emily absolutely chilled her to the core. Spencer didn't feel like she was crazy or 'obsessed'. She just wished that her parents would believe her. They had all seen Ian's dead body. Spencer wasn't obsessed; she was just tying to get the truth out. Ian had almost killed her the previous night and nobody seemed to believe her. It hurt Spencer more than she would care to admit. This was her family and they didn't believe her. It always seemed to be the case. It wasn't only her family that didn't believe her; none of the adults or police seemed like they really did. Ian had ruined so much for her already and even from the grave he was trying to ruin her life. He had tried to kill her. Ian wasn't even there and they still believed him over her.
"Hey."
The voice snapped Spencer out of her thoughts. She had stayed by the staircase trying to listen in on the conversation downstairs. It was the light touch of Emily's fingers against her arm that made her turn around to face the other girl. Spencer attempted to force a smile, but it didn't work. It was a deeply instilled instinct for her to try to hide her emotions, but she couldn't find the heart to do it with Emily. The other girl had such a look of concern on her face, like Spencer's feelings were all that mattered. The look took her back for a second. Spencer could see how much Emily cared and it made her want to open her heart to the other girl.
"They treated Toby like garbage."
"They're just trying to protect you, in their own weird way."
Leave it to Emily to think rationally in this situation. Spencer wished it was just that, but she knew it wasn't all about Spencer staying safe. There was so much more at risk in their minds. There was the country club and their clients. They couldn't have their daughter being seen with someone everyone saw as a murderer.
"It isn't just that. I've gone crazy in their minds. They don't even believe anything I say anymore."
"We all believe you, Spencer."
"I know. I just wish… They shouldn't be treating Toby like crap. They know that he's important to me."
Spencer could see that her words weren't the ones that Emily had hoped to hear. There was a glimpse of hurt in Emily's eyes and Spencer knew that she shouldn't have said that. When she was angry, she didn't think clearly.
"Em," Spencer said as she reached out to grab Emily's hand. She could see how Emily shied away slightly and was trying to pretend that it hadn't hurt her. Spencer knew that it would take a while for them both to get used to being together and how to not hurt each other anymore. Spencer had been the cause of too much insecurity in Emily and it was time that she relieved some of them. Spencer still cared about Toby, but she didn't want to be with him. Spencer wanted to be with Emily and Emily wasn't used to that quite yet; Spencer couldn't blame her. It would take time for both of them to realize what this really was. "I still care about Toby. I hated seeing them treat him like that."
"I know. Sorry," Emily muttered as she kept her gaze on the ground in front of her. She was slightly embarrassed of getting so timid at the mention of Spencer caring about Toby. She hadn't been expecting for Spencer to stop caring about him, but she still needed reassurance that this was all actually happening. Emily needed to be reminded that she wasn't dreaming and Spencer wanted to be with her.
"Me too."
The apology covered a lot in Spencer's mind. She wasn't just apologizing for what she had just said, but for so much. It would take time, but Spencer knew she was going to make up for everything she did to hurt Emily in the past.
"I've told you everything Melissa."
Spencer really didn't have time to sit around and argue with Melissa anymore. She had been doing the same thing for the past 48 hours and she couldn't handle it anymore. Spencer just wanted to go over to Emily's and tell Toby. Then a weight would be lifted off both of their shoulders.
It surprised Spencer how hard she was preparing to meet with Emily at her house. Spencer knew she needed to tell Toby and with Emily being there it would be so much easier. It was a risk to break up with Toby. What if Emily decided she didn't want to be with her? Then she would have broken up with a guy she actually liked for nothing.
The risk was worth it.
Spencer knew that there wasn't all the time in the world. It was important for her to do this now.
Because she was still on edge.
There was still a tad of fear inside of her and that was when Spencer had the most courage. Spencer wasn't going to let the fear define her.
There were still nervous butterflies in her stomach as if she hadn't known Emily for so long. On a subconscious level Spencer knew that Emily wasn't going to care what she was wearing, but Spencer did. She wanted to make herself look the best and maybe it was self-serving, but she wanted to look good for Emily.
"No, I wasn't listening but now I am." Even with how much Spencer fought with Melissa, she really couldn't ignore her sister when she was this upset. Even though it was over someone who had tried to kill her, Spencer knew that Melissa had loved Ian and worried about it all. The words gave Spencer a glimmer of hope. Maybe if Melissa believed her, then her parents would as well. Spencer didn't know how she could be any more convincing with what she was telling. It was the truth.
"So you believe me?" Spencer would always hope that her sister would be on her side.
"I don't know what to believe, but I know Ian would never leave me."
Her story stayed the same as she told Melissa again what had happened. There was nothing else she had to tell the other girl. Ian had almost killed her. It was really that simple. Spencer didn't mention whom she thought had saved her, but that wasn't important. Melissa's eyes were closed for the majority of the story. There must be so much confusion in her sister and Spencer hadn't even thought about that. They had their fights, but they were still sisters. If Melissa would believe her… it would mean a lot to Spencer. There was a silence in the room as she finished telling the story for what seemed like the millionth time. There wasn't a satisfaction on Melissa's face by the end. It didn't seem like Melissa believed her anymore than she had before. At least there was no yelling or accusing.
Silence was something Spencer knew how to deal with.
"And that was all you saw."
"Just the person in all black," Spencer sighed as she sat cross-legged on her bed. Melissa sat near her, but the other girl still seemed miles away. In her mind, there had to be a concrete answer to why everything had happened. Spencer could relate to that feeling, but she didn't have the answers to give to Melissa. All she had were the facts of what happened to her that night. Spencer could only give Melissa that. The fear, the terror, the death.
There wasn't a silver lining in this for Melissa.
Melissa wouldn't even look at her; it was one of Melissa's tells that this wasn't fake. This sorrow within Melissa ran deep and Spencer felt a kinship for her sister she hadn't felt in a while. There had been so much tension between the two of them, so much competition. Things seemed different then. Now, her sister was broken and Spencer couldn't help fix it. (Would she have believed Melissa if the tables were turned? She couldn't answer that question).
"Did I ruin your date night with Toby?" The apology was conveniently left off of the question. Spencer knew that it was Melissa's way of apologizing silently, as well as changing the discussion. The talking about Ian dying needed to be done for the night.
"It was definitely not a date night," Spencer mumbled as she pulled the pillow that was residing on her legs closer against her stomach. The night had supposed to be the first step in actually being with Emily, but it hadn't turned out that way in the end. Spencer knew that Emily wouldn't have told Toby without her. They had agreed to do it together and Emily knew the most how important it was to be in charge of telling people.
"I'm not going to tell Mom and Dad."
Spencer shook her head. It wasn't even about that. Spencer wouldn't have cared if her parents found out, because it wasn't like that. If they knew the whole story, they would probably push her to see him and break up with him. "I'm going to break up with him."
If she couldn't tell Toby, maybe she could tell Melissa. If there was anyone better at keeping a sister than her, it was Melissa. There were still so many things that the other girl kept from her. Probably more than Spencer had ever considered.
Melissa looked confused as she kept a hand protectively over her stomach. The words were definitely not what she was expecting. Spencer's hands clenched against the pillow as she built the courage to tell her sister something that she had told nobody before. It was easy talking about telling her family, but it was so much harder to do it.
This wasn't what Spencer wanted her story to be. If she could just move past telling people, then she could get to the good parts. It wasn't even "coming out" because Spencer didn't know what she was. Emily was the first girl who had ever made her feel these things. Still now, she had never looked at another girl and felt the stirring in her stomach like she did with Emily. It wasn't about her sexuality (like she was sure people would make it out to be); it was about falling for Emily and genuinely wanting to be with her.
Spencer had been confused about that for so long, because if she just looked at it from the basics, it was oh so clear.
"Why?"
"I'm seeing someone else."
"Not Wren again, Spencer…" Melissa sounded tired. It was like the girl thought she knew the response before Spencer had even answered. The obvious choice had been Wren (even though Melissa had met with him in private as well).
"It's Emily."
There was surprise on her sister's face at Spencer's directness. She didn't want to dance around this anymore. Direct was the way to go. No more deception or fear, just honesty for the moment.
"So you were really getting ready to see Emily then…"
There was no disgust or anger on Melissa's face. Spencer didn't know if it was acceptance, but she would take it.
It was the kindest Melissa had been to her in the longest time.
"I don't want to hurt him."
It surprised Spencer that it was Emily who had the most doubt about Spencer breaking up with Toby. Spencer didn't know why it stung at first, but once Emily had explained the talk they had when Spencer hadn't showed up, she understood. Toby was so kind. Emily couldn't stomach hurting him that way. He was so happy with Spencer. Even though they hadn't talked in a while, he had helped Emily without her even needing to ask. Instead, Toby had figured out a way to let her keep the memories on the wall. If she had asked, he would have helped her figure a way to stay in Rosewood (or how to tell Spencer that she could be moving to Texas).
Too much had happened during the day and they had barely gotten to speak to one another if they weren't with the other girls. Dr. Sullivan's office had been a disaster. Just when they were going to tell her their secrets, A had taken that away from them. It had probably been Emily who had been let down the most by the revelation. Spencer knew how desperately the other girl needed to talk to someone about everything that had happened. Especially since A had started to step up their game. Emily had looked scared and Spencer would have agreed to anything to make the other girl feel more comfortable.
"Me either," Spencer said as she leaned her head back for a moment, "but I don't want to live my life just trying to keep from hurting people. I want to be happy." She could hear the hitching of Emily's breathe on the other end of the line. "And I'm not going to be as happy if I stay with Toby."
"Spencer…" There was a silence for a moment, but it wasn't awkward. It made Spencer smile. She could almost see Emily's face clearly when she closed her eyes. "Are you sure you can't come over?" There was so much more Emily wished she could say, so much more she wished she could do. If Spencer were there, she would have surely kissed the girl. How could she have not?
"I have so much school work to catch up with, Em." Her homework splayed out in front of her. She hadn't been lying about needing to catch up in school. After all the police and investigations, she hadn't been as diligent with her schooling as she should have been. Spencer wished she could have gone over to the other girl's house. Not even to do anything but just be with the other girl. Spencer would feel safe and at peace. Spencer knew that there were other responsibilities that she needed to handle instead of going over there. "I can come over another night, yeah?"
"You could always sneak over…" Emily's train of thought was cut off and Spencer could hear a door opening. "Oh, Spencer. I'll have to call you back later, okay? I'll see you at school tomorrow."
Everything good always seemed to be countered by something equally bad.
They had just gotten together properly and now they weren't allowed to even see each other. Spencer's mom had barely given an explanation before she had rushed off to do something with work. She had barely paid attention after the first talk about the therapist. There was obviously too much for her mother to deal with. The talk had been short and stern. Spencer didn't know why she hadn't felt the need to lash out, but she didn't. She had just sat there and let her mother tell what she could and couldn't do. Melissa was long gone along with her father and it was just Spencer left home alone once again.
All she wanted to do was call Emily. Just talking to the girl would make her feel better, but her mother was sure in her threat to block the girl's numbers if Spencer took too much advantage. She wondered if it had just been her mother or if the other girls had the same talk with their parents. The lack of text messages indicated the latter. All her thoughts were about how Emily was dealing this and how absolutely ironic her life had become. Maybe she should start doing the opposite of what she wanted.
How long would this forced separation last?
Spencer didn't want to go back to not speaking to the girls. The year after Alison went missing was some of the loneliest time of her entire life. Spencer had thrown herself into school and activities, but it didn't nearly begin to match up with having friendships. The last year had been spent on moving her life forward; now she felt like she was moving backwards.
She didn't want to be alone again.
Darkness enclosed her in the house. Spencer couldn't have handled the light anyway.
All it took was a slight like move in the bushes and Spencer sprung into action. Doors needed to be locked; she would not let anything happen to her. Even though she had seen the body, there was still a fear inside of her that someone would come and try to finish off what Ian had started. All the outside doors were locked except for the kitchen door and by the time Spencer reached it… it was too late. Fear ran through her body as she grabbed a knife. This would not be an unfair fight. Spencer would fight back this time harder.
Toby.
Her entire body relaxed and the knife fell from her grasp. She didn't have control of the tears. It had all been too much in the night. Spencer was still scared. His arms were open and Spencer stumbled into them. The hug was necessary. Spencer needed to be held as the shaky breaths escaped her.
It took minutes for her to calm down enough for them to move to the couch. Until she reached the couch, Spencer hadn't even thought about that it might be misleading to grip onto Toby like she did, but there was no moves on his part. All he did was hold her like she desperately needed him to. There were no advances or anything that would have made it obvious that they were more than friends.
A friend was what Spencer needed.
"There's something I need to tell you." The shakiness hadn't left her voice yet, but this was the time to talk to Toby about everything that she had avoided. "And I want you to know that I'm really sorry."
"Spencer…"
"No, I am. I really like you, but I can't do this anymore. Not because of my parents, but…" Spencer trailed off as she kept her hands gripped together. "I'm with.."
"With Emily. I know," Toby cut her off with the knowing smile that she had seen on him so often. Toby was so different from she had ever expected. There was no ounce of anger when he looked at her. He just knew and Spencer could feel relief wash over her. Spencer didn't want a fight. "When I was over the other night at her house, I could tell."
Spencer felt like apologizing again, but she kept herself quiet as she just stared at Toby. Was it so bluntly obvious of her and Emily? Spencer hoped so because then it would be so much easier than she had ever expected. "You're not mad?" Spencer asked after a moment. The question intrigued her. Toby didn't seem upset at all.
"No," he said with a head shake and Spencer believed him. "I just came over to make sure you were okay."
Spencer smiled as she reached over and grabbed Toby's hand in appreciation. There was no romance behind the squeeze before she let go. It was nice to have a friend in Toby. He wasn't like the other girls. He didn't know all of her past; he didn't care about the rest of her past. Toby lived in the moment and Spencer needed to learn how to do that. Letting go of the past could only help, but she couldn't when A kept bringing it back to the surface.
It didn't seem enough to only get to see each other in private. They were hiding again and Emily hated that feeling. She hated that she couldn't comfort her girlfriend at all. They weren't even allowed to sit next to each other during school. The only time they spent together was the hushed phone calls or conversations in the greenhouses for moments after the other two girls left. Emily wanted to be there for Spencer, especially if Ian might still be alive. She had seen the fear in Spencer's eyes when they had gotten that text from Ian. There was so much fear and all Emily wanted to do was protect the other girl. How could she protect her if she couldn't even be near her? It was impossible. Emily had so much to tell the other girl—the possibility of her going to Texas was imminent and she hadn't even built up the courage to talk to Spencer about it.
Could they make it through her moving to Texas?
There was no time to discuss it. All their talks were quick and seemed more important than her moving. It wasn't a lie to keep it from Spencer; she would tell her eventually. Now was not the time. The days passed so quickly. The more days that passed without Spencer in her life, the harder it became to focus on everything else in her life besides their relationship. It was put on the back burner and Emily hated it. But it was the way it had to be for now.
The more she thought about Texas and the move, the more her mind would drift to Spencer and how it would affect them. It wasn't that she doubted their relationship, but she wondered if it was the best time for it. Emily had been absolutely thrilled when the other girl had kissed her, but now… It seemed like the worse time possible for the two of them. Emily tried so hard to convince herself that it wasn't a sign, but it always slipped into her thoughts. Emily didn't know why there was suddenly another girl interested in her, but Samara came around at the worst of times.
There was such a lack of interaction in her life that Emily found herself gravitating towards the other girl. It wasn't romantic, but Emily needed some sorts of interaction besides the hushed conversations with her friends. Life was a giant juggling act – and she was sure she was keeping all the events separate until one of their meetings that the juggling fell apart. There were too many things that she hadn't been able to tell Spencer that she had forgotten she had talked to Aria or Hanna about. So when Hanna mentioned Texas, Emily instantly realized that her plans had fallen apart. Emily didn't want to give Spencer anything more to deal with. She was going to figure out how to not go to Texas and stay in Rosewood. There was too much depending on it.
"Texas?" Spencer questioned as she turned around to stare at Emily. Hanna's gaze shifted between Spencer and Emily before she grabbed Aria's arm. She muttered a goodbye, before it was just the two of them alone. "What does she mean you're going to Texas?"
Emily knew that Spencer would figure it out quicker than she let on. If it was a trip, Emily would have beamed about it, but this wasn't a trip. "I didn't want to worry you," Emily said as she tried to take a step towards Spencer. This was the opposite of what she wanted. Emily wanted to take care of it so that there wouldn't be hurt. She just didn't realize that by not telling Spencer, she had hurt her more than if she would have said anything.
Lighting was scare in the road between the two houses. Emily wished that she had a perfect explanation for everything, but she was still figuring things out on her own. It wasn't that she wanted to keep it from Spencer, but they wouldn't have time to talk about it anyways. The confession wouldn't have been worth the worry.
"You should have told me," Spencer said as she crossed her arms in front of her. It actually hurt that Emily had kept it from her. There hadn't been much time for them to talk, but surely Emily moving would have been a topic of conversation. "You're moving?" Spencer tried to hide the hurt in her voice, but obviously she hadn't done a good enough job as Emily tried again to move towards her.
"I don't want to. I'm trying not to."
"I can't believe you didn't tell me."
"I'm trying to fix it. I haven't been able to even seen you except in the dark. This isn't something that I want to be a whispered worry, Spencer," Emily said as she mimicked Spencer's stance. "I'm trying here."
This all was the breaking point for Spencer. Everything seemed to be going wrong. Maybe the universe was right. Spencer couldn't help but think about other things that Emily could be keeping from her. "I'm trying too, Emily," Spencer shook her head. "I talked to Melissa and I broke up with Toby. Maybe… the universe is trying to tell us something."
Emily's face dropped slightly as her arms loosened around herself. "Spence…"
Then there was a light on at Spencer's front porch and her eyes were automatically drawn to it. "We'll talk later," Spencer muttered before she turned quickly towards her house. They had more to talk about, but not with her mother searching for her.
Spencer was sick of talking in the dark to Emily.
"Mom, stop," Emily moaned as her mother continued to talk about Samara. Even though the other girl had come over, Emily didn't want her mother to get the idea that anything was happening between the two of them. Samara knew that Emily wasn't interested; she knew that Emily had something going with someone. Emily knew that her mother was coming from a good place when she had invited the other girl over, but it had only made Emily miss Spencer all the more. There was too much that she was keeping from her mother. The letter—Emily didn't even want that to get out. A had mailed it and it was a blessing and a curse.
A blessing to stay with Spencer, but a curse to have to stay in Rosewood under A's control. Lying to her mother was the hardest.
"I just think you should start looking at other colleges. We need to schedule a meeting with an advisor," Pam mentioned as she finished putting the dishes away in the kitchen. Samara had left long ago, but Pam hadn't been able to stop thinking about this whole scholarship thing. It was nice to have her mother so involved in her colleges, but just not for the false reasons. Emily wanted to earn her place in the school, not have her mother convinced that she already had it in the bag. "And Samara… I really like her."
It was strange to have her mother say that and it took Emily aback a bit. Her mother had never talked nicely of Maya, but Samara wasn't whom Emily wanted her mom to like. Sure, she knew that Pam liked Spencer, but not like this. Emily didn't know if her mom would like Spencer as her girlfriend. "I have to tell you something," Emily said as she leaned back against the counter. She didn't want her mother to not know about Spencer. It was at least one secret she could confide in her mother about. Spencer had taken steps to make sure that they could be together and it was far past time that she did the same for Spencer. "I'm not interested in Samara at all."
Pam's eyebrows crinkled together as she turned around. "Oh, is there someone else you're interested in?" There was delicacy in the way that Pam asked. They were still moving forward in their relationship and Emily knew that her mom fully accepted her, it would just take time for them both to get used to everything still. Her mom was trying and that was all that Emily had ever wanted from her.
"I'm sort-of seeing her," Emily confessed as her gaze flickered around her mother's face trying to look for clues on how her mother felt. Emily wasn't sure if her and Spencer were full on dating yet, it had been so hard when they were banned from each other. Nothing was official, but Emily desperately wanted it to be. Emily could see the question in her mother's eyes and she decided to beat her to the punch. "It's Spencer."
There was moment of shock on her mother's face as she took it in. Then there was confusion. "Spencer Hastings?" Pam checked before Emily nodded her head. It was another few moments before Pam said anything else. Emily understood that it was probably a shock to her mother that one of Emily's best friends was now almost her girlfriend. Emily was surprised when it had happened as well. Spencer had been her first crush, her first person that she had been able to see herself with. Now, Spencer wanted those things as well. Spencer didn't want to be with anyone else; Spencer wanted to be with her. It was still hard for Emily to believe at times. Emily knew that there was so much that Pam wanted to ask, but her mother was ever the patient one. "How long?"
"Um," Emily's eyes flickered to the floor for a moment as she tried to think how to explain it. How long since they had kissed? Or since they had wanted to be together? She decided to go with the latter. "Since the night that Ian died."
Pam nodded her head before she seemed to come to a realization. The two girls had been forced apart since then. She had been a part in forcing them apart. "Oh," she said as she realized the implications of what she had done. Pam knew how scared Emily had been when she was coming out, and now she was doing the same thing to Spencer that she had done to her daughter. She was forcing them apart without even realizing the implications. She didn't mean to keep them separate because of anything to do with that. "And I've separated the two of you. Just like you and Maya." There was disappointment in her voice, but it wasn't directed to Emily. No, it was just for herself. Pam had inadvertently made the same mistake that she had promised to not make again.
"Mom, it's not your fault," Emily reassured as she moved across the kitchen to be closer to her mother. She hadn't told her to make her feel guilty. It wasn't like it was just Pam doing it, or that it had anything to do with them dating.
"I didn't mean to separate the two of you," Pam said as she felt the tears pooling in her eyes. Pam was working so hard to fix the mistakes she had made in the past. She would become the mother she wished she were back then. Emily wrapped her arms around her mother within seconds. It was definitely not a matter to cry over, but she wouldn't tease her mother about it now. "I like Spencer too."
The laughter felt good.
Spencer wasn't upset when they found Ian's body. Not at all.
Relief was the only thing she felt. Even with her sister crying in her arms, all Spencer could feel was a victory. Ian was dead and she didn't have to be afraid anymore. Maybe it made her a terrible person, but it didn't bother her. All she cared about was that she finally felt safe from Ian and that she hadn't been crazy to think he was dead. The same wasn't true for Emily. There were police cars again and Spencer could see that it was affecting Emily more than it had her. Everything that had been said in their argument the other night went out the window as soon as Spencer could move away from her sister. Once her mother was there to take care of Melissa, Spencer moved to Emily. A hug was in order after everything that had happened. Emily clung to her in such desperation as they stood in their embrace for what seemed like hours.
Nobody argued when Spencer went to spend the night with Emily. She didn't know if that meant they were able to see each other again, but Spencer knew that she didn't want Emily to be alone that night (she didn't want to be alone either).
Emily became timid once they got into her bedroom. It was far past 2 in the morning when they finally were done with the police and talking to everyone.
"Just for tonight," Pam had agreed when Spencer had gotten there (well after the huge hug that Spencer hadn't quite understood the reasoning behind) and Emily had silently thanked her mother. Spencer was still quiet. Her emotions were still forming and Spencer let herself be handled by Emily through the majority of the night. Leaning on Emily felt natural. Spencer didn't want to be alone. She wanted to share this with Emily; she wanted it to be easier on the both of them. It wasn't until they were behind closed doors that Emily let her emotions shine through. Emily wondered why it was Spencer comforting her, not the other way around. Ian was dead. The person that had tried to kill Spencer was dead. Emily didn't know why it caused her to become so emotional, but it did. Spencer's soothing hands ran through her hair as Emily tried to calm herself down. The tears had come before she had commanded them to. It felt wonderful to be back in Spencer's arms. She had forgotten the comfort she received by just being with Spencer.
All of this… it was worth it to be standing there with Spencer.
"He's dead, Em," Spencer assured as she kept her grip on Emily. Her hands soothed against Emily's back as Spencer finally allowed herself to completely relax. She wasn't sure whom she was trying to reassure when she said it again. Ian was dead.
He couldn't hurt her; he couldn't hurt them.
"I'm sorry," Emily whispered as she pulled back from the embrace. It was for everything. For lying, for avoiding Spencer on some level, for not being there for the other girl when she needed her the most. Emily was sorry for all of it.
Spencer shook her head at the apology. There was nothing to be sorry for. In her mind, this was all over now. If anyone needed to be sorry, it was Spencer. She had just been so shocked to hear that Emily might have been moving, she didn't mean what she had said. "I'm sorry," Spencer replied. Her fingers reached to push out a loose hair out of Emily's face. Emily nodded at her apology. Spencer's fingers stayed on Emily's cheek as they fell into a comfortable silence. Just being together now was what was important.
They could face anything if they were together. Spencer's eyes flickered to Emily's lips with their proximity to each other. It wasn't a night to be upset; this was a night to heal. And from what Spencer knew, kisses worked pretty well in that category. There was no hesitation as Spencer pressed her lips against Emily's.
This is what Spencer needed.
Soft lips met her own. Too much time had passed since she had last kissed Emily. Just a simple kiss reminded her why she had fought so hard within herself for this relationship. All the feelings that had been suppressed rose back to the surface as Emily's hands slid up her sides and held her close. Her hand kept on Emily's face as she ran her tongue against Emily's lip. There was no pressure and Spencer loved it. She wanted to spend hours just memorizing Emily's lips against her own. There was so much that Spencer still had to learn about Emily: where the girl liked to be touched, how she liked to be touch, which pressure points lead to different reactions. There would be time for all of that. Spencer would make sure of it.
Spencer had never wanted to know someone like she wanted to know Emily in that moment.
"Hey," Veronica knocked on the door after the hello. Spencer looked up from her books to see her mother at the door. She set down the history books she had been reading. Spencer needed to catch up in school. "I made you some tea."
"Oh," Spencer said as she reached out to grab the cup from her mother. Usually she didn't get the late night visits from her mother unless she was the one that initiated them. There wasn't as much interrupting of studying that happened. "Thanks."
The 'thank you' was sincere, but Spencer sounded tired. The last week had taken a lot out of her. It wasn't bad enough that the day after she decided she wanted to be with Emily, she hadn't been able to even talk to the girl, but then they had found Ian's body. She was still reeling from that reveal. Spencer knew that Ian had died, but finding him like that… in her gut, Spencer knew that something was wrong. He had died falling from the bell tower, not by suicide.
Spencer just wanted to be able to spend time with Emily. They were finally beginning to spend time together, but she just needed to be honest with everyone. For the first time, Spencer had the urge to hold Emily's hand in the hallway and she knew that she just needed to tell her parents. For the first time since the bell tower, they had believed her and the silence was nice to have.
"Wren called, to see how you and Melissa were."
"That's nice of him."
"It's a good thing your father didn't answer. He would have hung up. He's not as forgiving as I am."
"I thought your teachers gave you extensions on all your homework."
"Oh, they did. But…" Spencer started as she tried to think of an excuse. It wasn't valid to say that she needed to focus on something else. She didn't want to talk to her mother about how she had been so focused on "A" that she needed some distraction from it. Spencer couldn't even begin to talk to her mother about how her relationship with Emily had just started and they had already been driven apart by their parents before telling them about it. Now, Spencer didn't know how to bring it up. "Exams are still next week."
"You work so hard," the compliment seemed strange coming from her mother. It was said as almost an apology. "You always have."
There was a moment of silence before Veronica spoke again.
"We made the arrangements for the funeral. There will be no frills: no flowers, and as far as I am concerned, no tears," Veronica mentioned as she sat down.
"Yeah," Spencer felt small as she spoke. It was all finally being laid to rest, but she didn't feel comfortable still. There were still things heavy upon her heart. The funeral was for Melissa's sake, not her own.
"Your father and I were very moved by your desire to do this for your sister."
Veronica's simple touch on Spencer's knee almost broke the girl. There was so much suppressed emotion and there was her mother acting so kind to her about everything that had happened.
"I just think she needs some kind of ceremony."
"You were right. We did need to do this. I called the girls to see if they would come to the funeral to support you. It's the least I can do. I'm the one that separated you."
"Mom, it's okay," Spencer looked down at her hands. Spencer didn't want people to apologize to her. In her mind, it was in the past. The past needed to stay in the past. She was completely sick of living in it. After everything with Alison and then Ian, she needed to leave the dead buried.
"No, it's not. It's not okay that I didn't believe you. And it's not okay that I… that I allowed a monster in my house. But I promise I will never do it again. Will you give me another chance?"
"Only if you'll give me one," Spencer almost shook with fear as the words came out.
This had to be the time. Emily and her had talked about it. Spencer needed to tell her parents first and then they would tell other people. If she didn't say anything now, Spencer didn't know if she would. Fear raised throughout her body.
It was only fair that Spencer talked to her mom about it.
"I've been lying to you," Spencer said and a confused look wiped over her mother's face. "Not about Ian or anything like that. I… I broke up with Toby, because I like someone else."
"Do I know him?" Veronica asked. Her hand was still rested on Spencer's leg and it hadn't tensed or anything. There was only confusion in Veronica's face, nothing else.
Spencer took a deep breath before she spoke again.
"It's Emily."
There was a look of confusion on Veronica's face for a moment and Spencer felt like curling into a ball. Maybe she shouldn't have done this. Telling her mother had seemed like a good idea, but now she wasn't so sure. She just wanted her mother to show any kind of emotion instead of the confusion.
"Okay," Veronica said and Spencer barely got her gaze up from lap long enough to see her mother smiling at her. "Is that what you were so worried about?" Spencer just nodded and felt like a little girl again. When something that seemed so big to her, was such a small thing to her mother. "It doesn't change anything, Spencer." Then a laugh came from Veronica and it was Spencer that looked confused. "I'm sorry, I just thought you were going to say that you were dating a murderer or something worst than that."
Other people thought they knew the Hastings, but they didn't. Under all the deceit and unconventional protection, there was a fierce loyalty and love. It had still been nerve wrecking, but Spencer should have realized that. Her mother wasn't afraid of different.
Spencer quickly moved the books from her lap and shifted to churl herself into her mother's arms. She felt so relieved. The weight of this "secret" was finally off her chest. Her mother knew about it and that meant they didn't have to hide anymore. Spencer didn't only do it for herself; she did it for Emily as well. Emily deserved to not have to be hidden.
"I love you so much honey."
Spencer was ready to be happy.
SEPTEMBER 2011 – but now it just aches and makes me blind.
It wasn't as easy as Spencer thought it would be.
Seeing Emily everyday as just a friend hurt more than she expected. What was worst was that Spencer couldn't just ignore Emily. That would be like ignoring that the sun or the moon—it wouldn't happen. Spencer could try to ignore the girl, but it wouldn't work. Inside, she knew that she wouldn't want to anyways. That would be even more painful. She didn't want to lose Emily. Spencer didn't know if she could handle losing Emily as a friend. It wasn't easy to see Emily in the hallways or to have to talk to the other girl still, but Spencer still felt the need to be there for the other girl. At least this way, she could still have the other girl in her life. Spencer would just have to pretend that everything was fine, that she wasn't falling apart—luckily, that was something she was good at.
A fake smile seemed more real to Spencer than a genuine one now.
Caring didn't get automatically turned off after breaking up with someone. You kept doing things for people you loved, no matter what. Spencer hadn't been able to switch it off once she broke up with Emily. It would have been easier if she could do that. Instead, Spencer still felt the same amount of protectiveness towards Emily. It showed clearly when she rushed after Emily. Emily would have been fine with just Hanna or Aria, but Spencer wouldn't have let the other girl rush away without chasing her.
"Spencer."
The voice drew her back from the bathroom door. The other two girls had already left. Spencer considered keeping walking for a moment, but she didn't. All Emily had to do was say her name and Spencer froze. How weak was she that she couldn't even keep walking? Spencer didn't know if she was ready for the one-on-one conversation quite yet. It was easier when the other girls were around. Spencer turned around and there was the fake smile that she had perfected so long ago.
"Hanna and Aria are waiting for us," Spencer added and she could almost feel the mood shift between them. Emily's eyes shift downwards for a second before looking back up at Spencer. Spencer keeps the neutral look on her face as she keeps her gaze locked on Emily. Don't back down. Don't cry. Don't cry. It's the motto running through her mind as she stands still. Spencer was frozen until Emily released her. It killed her that she didn't have the control (she never really had). It was like Emily had completely forgotten what she had wanted to talk about. Her eyes were just stuck on Spencer. Spencer had to swallow down her self-consciousness as Emily just took her in. Spencer was never one for awkward silences, but she couldn't let Emily win and speak first. This was where she found her strength—through silence. It took concentration to keep her eyes locked on Emily's face without reading the emotion on the other girl's face. Spencer didn't want to see what Emily was feeling. Spencer would surely crack if that happened. It was nearly impossible to look into Emily's eyes without being able to feel what the other girl was feeling. Defenses were up and that meant no looking directly into Emily's eyes.
The moments seemed to be hours as they stood in uncomfortable silence. It was Emily who finally broke it.
"Are we going to talk about last night?"
Spencer wanted to laugh at the question, but she didn't. Words wouldn't come out of her mouth until she figured out what she wanted to say. Could she just ignore the breakup all together? Should she act like they had never even been anything? Spencer didn't have a handbook on how to deal with these sorts of situations. It had been so easy with Toby. He had been so gracious when Spencer had broken up with him. Spencer had expected some sort of reaction, but he had been so kind. It had probably given her unusual expectations for these sorts of things. With Toby things had been so easy. They had fallen into a friendship so easily after they broke up. But with Emily… Spencer knew it would take more work than that.
"There's nothing to talk about."
Emily sighed at her words and Spencer kept her face still. There was no room for emotion. This was how Spencer was able to keep going without completely breaking down. Spencer felt divided as she stood and waited for Emily to respond. She could say something that she would regret or she could stay silent.
The latter seemed the easiest.
"We need to talk about what happens now."
That wasn't a conversation that Spencer wanted to have. Couldn't the other girl just pretend like Spencer was so desperately trying to do? It was hard enough as it was. They didn't need to discuss it and make it hurt that much more.
"We go back to being friends, Em…ily," Spencer stuttered at her words. Embarrassment rushed through her veins. It was certainly too early to start using that nickname again. It had become some sort of pet name and held too much meaning. It was easier to just use Emily's name. She could see the flash of hurt take over Emily's face as she changed the name. It didn't hurt as much as she thought it would have. "I'm always going to be here for you." (I can't not be there for you.) Spencer knew that Emily wanted to say something else, but Spencer wouldn't let her. It hurt too much. "Hanna and Aria are waiting. We're fine."
A small nod from Emily was all it took to send Spencer out of the bathroom.
Spencer had to keep herself busy and away from Emily for now.
"I swear to God, if I have to hear one more time about how "fine" they are, I'm going to shoot them myself."
"Hanna…"
"You know you're sick of it too, Aria."
Aria sighed as she sat at the table next to Hanna. There was nothing that she could think to do to ease the pain of the break up for either one of them. They were both her friends. All she had been able to get out of Spencer was that the break up was fine and it just wasn't working out between the two of them. Aria knew that it wasn't the truth. Spencer had the "Hastings" look on her face and there was nothing more upsetting than knowing her best friends were hurting more than they let on.
"I just want to know what happened," Aria mentioned as she faced Hanna. Her eyes widened slightly as she saw Hanna turn away. Hanna was probably the worst liar out of all of them. Aria knew her tells and she definitely was holding onto more than she had let on. "What? You know? Now you have to tell me."
It only took a moment for Hanna to come to a decision. "Okay, but you can't tell Spencer that I was the one to tell you." Aria nodded in response. "I was with Spencer and A sent her a picture. A picture of Emily and Maya kissing."
"So?" Aria asked before she realized what the implications of it could be. "Oh." Hanna just nodded her head and Aria looked up. She could see Emily through the window as she talked to one of her teachers. It made sense now. The reason Emily was so upset over Maya's death and their break up. It seemed so simple now that she knew the entire truth. Poor Emily; Poor Spencer. Aria couldn't imagine the pain the other girl was going through. The entire Maya situation had already upset the other girl, but now knowing that Emily had kissed her while they were still together… Aria knew that Spencer needed her friends a lot more than she was letting on. "So Spencer…"
"Probably had a major freak out and now they're done," Hanna finished Aria's train of thought as she picked out a chip from her bag.
"Wow."
"I know."
"What do we do now?"
"Nothing." Hanna was sure that they could do nothing to fix what had happened between the two of them. Only time would do that. Aria and her needed to stay as far away as possible from the situation. They could only make it worse if they did anything. "I always though that it'd be Spencer who broke Emily's heart, not the other way around."
"You think my mom finished your test for you?" Aria wanted to make sure that was what Emily was saying. Aria hadn't been expecting Emily to talk to her about school when she had followed her home. Aria didn't know how Emily was managing to stay so focused about everything happening in her life beside the break up with Spencer. Both of them were pretending like nothing had even happened, but Aria could see it. They were both ignoring it and Aria just wanted to make sure that they were both okay. Her mom finishing a test for Emily didn't feel like that big of a deal in the long run comparatively.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what she was telling me."
"Why would she do that?"
"I don't know. She feels sorry for me? Everyone feels sorry for me?"
"It's not just you," Aria mentioned in response. She didn't know why her thoughts automatically went to Spencer. Emily wasn't the only one people were feeling sorry for. Throughout the entire summer, Spencer had been the topic of conversation just as much as Emily. Her mother had been concerned about the lack of Spencer during the summer and now she was just trying to help. "My mom's protective instincts have been in overdrive since the divorce. She's… she's compensating."
"Well, I just wish she'd compensate on somebody else." Emily was annoyed, but Aria knew that she couldn't stop her mother's protective nature as much as she would have liked to. Emily didn't want people to treat her differently. Enough had happened because of Maya's death and now, she wanted to move on. Spencer had just broken up with her and she hated the pity in everyone eyes. It wasn't bad enough that her friends were trying to protect her, but now her teachers were as well. Emily hated feeling made of glass. She wanted to be treated like nothing had ever happened.
Then Aria mentioned A and that was another can of worms.
Emily wanted to be able to start to move on from Maya's death, but it'd be impossible if people kept treating her differently because of it. Emily was trying hard to move past A and what happened to Maya. She was honest when she said she was angrier than anything with A. They were supposed to be done with that part of their lives and A had ruined another one of her relationships.
"Are you sure you don't want to talk about what happened?" Aria mentioned after they spoke and Emily looked at her confused. "About Spencer."
Emily took a deep breath as she just shook her head. There wasn't much to talk about. Spencer had broken up with her after seeing that photo. Emily hadn't been able to stop it from happening. There wasn't much to talk about. Spencer had made it clear earlier that she didn't want to discuss it. "There's nothing to talk about. She broke up with me."
Aria sighed at the response, that wasn't all that happened, but she didn't know if she should push the issue any further. Emily and Spencer had conveniently left out the kissing Maya thing when she had talked to the both of them.
"Maybe it's better this way." It was Emily who broke the silence. Maybe this was what they both needed in the moment. "We're still friends. Anyways, I have to focus on school and making sure that your mom and boyfriend aren't giving me grades I don't deserve."
"You her ride?"
The bartender had let Spencer use the bar phone to call someone to pick her up. Spencer knew it was just because he didn't want her driving drunk, but for a moment she considered kissing him for letting her do so. It had been too much for Spencer; she needed time to relax. The bar had seemed like the best place to go for that. The dance floor had become her best friend—well along with the man who had his hands against her for most of Spencer's time on it.
"Come on."
The voice was so distinct and she turned around and smiled brightly at her friend. Spencer quickly moved away from the man who had bought her drinks for the past hour. Thank goodness for Hanna's obsession with her cell phone but Spencer wouldn't have called anyone else either (maybe Emily, but thank goodness she had called Hanna first). Spencer even considered kissing Hanna in your drunken state. No, she was too blonde and definitely not her type at all. Spencer tried to turn around to go back to James, but Hanna's hand was tightly gripped against her wrist. No, this was supposed to be fun. Spencer didn't have enough fun for the night. Spencer wanted to keep forgetting. If Hanna made her leave now, she would remember all the hurt again. Drinking helped. Spencer was happy (or as happy as she would believe herself to be).
"Spencer," Hanna's voice sounded amused as Spencer turned to face her. "It's a school night."
"Screw school," Spencer laughed. She leaned into Hanna's hold against her arm. All the drinks were getting to her; it was nice having someone to keep her steady. Spencer didn't know that her life could have become even more difficult. Now she had to deal with her mother defending someone who had probably killed her best friend and had to deal with a breakup that seemed less like her idea. Jenna could see and Spencer still had to deal with the implications of the night that Emily couldn't remember. Spencer didn't get to forget about Emily. No, she was still worried about what had happened that night. Jenna could see now and it would bring on problems for all of them. They still didn't know what happened during the rest of the night, but Jenna admitted to just giving Emily a ride home. Spencer had tried to hide when Jenna mentioned how Emily had cried out for Maya.
All the closeness that she had developed with her mother seemed to be fading away. After their fight that night, Spencer hadn't wanted to stay home. She had thought to call one of the girls, but she knew that they were all busy. They all had things to deal with and Spencer could handle herself.
There was still so much for her to deal without A's intention of ruining their lives. This new "A" was brutal and Spencer shouldn't have been surprised that her life wasn't turning out like she had planned during the summer. Emily didn't come back from her trip and everything was magically fixed.
Everything was broken.
It was broken and Spencer couldn't fix it.
"Okay, let's go home," Hanna muttered and Spencer quickly shook her head. "You can stay at my house." At least she had Hanna. Spencer knew that she had Aria as well, but Hanna knew everything that was happening. Hanna always seemed to know what was actually happening with her. If Spencer went home, she would just have to deal with the questions her mother would ask and the questions that she would never answer about what had really happened. It was too much for her to even think about in her state. She didn't want to have to think about Melissa losing her baby and when that had happened. There were too many mysteries in her life.
Hanna seemed concerned and amused at the same time. Spencer would realize the next morning how absolutely ridiculous she had acted that night. But for the time, it was completely out of her realm of control. There was no anger in her when she was drunk. No room for hurt. Spencer could understand how people got addicted to that feeling. At least, Spencer was a controllable drunk. She still could control some of her actions, she knew better than to drink that much.
"Do you have any more at your house?" Spencer asked once they reached Hanna's car. Spencer could barely keep herself still when she was drunk. It was definitely something that she had noticed. Every time she drank, she had the urge to dance around.
Feel alive.
"No more alcohol for you, boozy," Hanna teased before Spencer sighed dramatically. "We're headed straight to bed once we get to my house." Spencer kinked one of her eyebrows and Hanna just laughed at the response. "Who knew that Spencer Hastings could be so sexual?"
"I'm smashed," Spencer shrugged as a reaction before trailing her fingers against the car as she went to the passenger side. Spencer could remember clearly the different terms that Wren had called it the last time she had drunk this much. She had been happy then too.
As much as she was happy now, Spencer knew that as soon as she sobered up, all the feelings would return.
Knowing that only made her want to keep drinking.
Nate was a welcomed surprise.
Emily never thought that she would hear from anyone in Maya's family after the girl had died. There were no returned emails or calls. It made sense once Nate explained it, but it didn't take away the pain of not being able to say goodbye to Maya. They had left so much unfinished and unsaid. A goodbye would have been nice to have. Going to the funeral would have helped. Emily hadn't gotten over that. Maya and her story didn't feel finished yet.
"She only talked about you."
She smiled at the statement. Maya and her relationship had been weird towards the end, but it felt nice to know that what the other girl wanted was genuine. Maya had worked so hard to get back together with her—Emily had never even considered it fully until Maya was dead.
"I'm dating—I was dating this girl when Maya came back to town," Emily mentioned. It was hard to remind herself that she wasn't dating Spencer, not anymore. Nate seemed like the only person that would understand the pain she was going through. He knew Maya like she knew her. Her friends and family… they only knew the Maya the world saw. Nate and her saw Maya the way that she really was. They got to see the vulnerable side of the girl and it was nice to have someone else that had experienced that. The girls couldn't understand what Maya meant to her. She had been there for things that they couldn't possibly have been. Maya had been there when everything happened between her and Spencer at first. Maya wasn't scared to be with her like Spencer had been.
Maya was the first girl she dated, the first girl that she had felt completely comfortable with. That feeling didn't go away overnight. It didn't go away at all. It only came back stronger when the other person was dead.
"I'm sure she loved that," Nate laughed and Emily found herself laughing with him. The sarcasm was clear and Emily knew exactly what he was talking about. Emily had only found out how jealous Maya could be once she came back to town and Emily was with Spencer. There had been so much jealousy and so much want from the other girl; it had overwhelmed Emily.
"She tried so hard to convince me that it was supposed to be the two of us, but then she just stopped one night…" Emily said as her forehead crinkled for a moment as she remembered the times just before Maya had died. The other girl had pulled away from the flirting and convincing once she had actually seen Spencer and Emily together at that party. It was almost like she realized something. Emily knew that she shouldn't have led the other girl on, but it was hard not to want to keep someone you loved out of your life. It was easy for her to keep Maya in her life, even though at the time, she wouldn't have left Spencer for the world. Now, it didn't seem like it should have been that clear-cut of a decision.
"From what I know, Maya really loved you," Nate's eyes stayed locked on her as Emily took it all in. Emily knew that Maya loved her, but hearing someone else say it made all the difference. Other people could see it as well. It made it real. "Did Maya know this other girl?"
Emily thought about the question. Maya had met Spencer multiple times, but they had never been friends. Especially when the girl came back to town, they hadn't gotten along. "They knew each other, but not well. Maya knew that I loved Spencer before I loved her. But Maya always said we were something special."
There was a silence after Emily spoke. She wondered if Nate could hear her voice start to crack as she thought about Maya. Regrets had entered her mind and it was hard to think about the other girl without wondering about the "what ifs". Maybe if she hadn't stayed with Spencer, then the other girl would still be alive.
Luckily Nate seemed to get the hint that Emily wasn't ready to talk about all of this.
"Maya said you were a swimmer. What's your stroke? Butterfly? Free style?"
Heartbreak must be contagious in the world that lived in.
Spencer had been on Jason's porch when she had gotten the text from Aria that Hanna and Caleb had broken up. It was a good reason for her not to go home. After the talk with Melissa and her mother, Spencer needed more time away to take it all in. Her sister had faked her pregnancy for so long and her parents had known. There was so much deception happening again in her family and Spencer couldn't stand it. Her threat had been real. If her mother hadn't talked to her, Spencer would have walked out with just the clothes on her back. After everything that had happened in the past few days, she needed some sort of sanity.
Home was supposed to be a safe place.
Her house was the opposite of comfortable at the moment.
All thoughts of the fifty grand and her dysfunctional family were out of her mind once she got the text. Taking care of Hanna was something that she could focus upon. Spencer would do anything to take her mind off of everything that was happening in her life (as well as her own heartbreak).
"Hey," Spencer said softly as she entered the room with Aria and Hanna. Ms. Marin had let her in and Spencer knew exactly where the other two girls would be. "I brought some junk." Surprisingly, the cure for heartbreak was often the cure for being sick as well. Spencer knew what Hanna liked when she was in pain (physical and emotional). "And of course, mozzarella sticks."
That was the main thing that Hanna enjoyed and Spencer could only hope that it could help slightly with the sting of the breakup. It seemed to work somewhat as Hanna sat up slowly from her place resting against Aria's lap. Spencer smiled sadly at the other girl. She knew exactly what the other girl was feeling. Spencer knew better than to ask what had happened between the two of them. Hanna would tell her once she was ready—Spencer wouldn't be the one to push. All she needed to know was that her friend was hurt and she was ready to comfort her. The bag of junk food and trashy magazines went right to Hanna's lap as she found the box of mozzarella sticks first.
"Emily?" Spencer mouthed to Aria. There was something that was stopping her from completely relaxing. If the other girl was going to come over, then Spencer didn't think she could stay for all that long. It would be too much with three of them going through heartbreak. Aria shook her head at the question and Spencer felt her body physically relax under the answer. It was selfish and petty, but she didn't want to see the other girl right then.
Her shoulders rolled slightly as she shook off her coat to toss over a chair before she moved to sit on the opposite side of Hanna. This is what friends did for each other. They brought over crap and let each other cry.
"I don't know how you're not crying," Hanna said softly after eating a few mozzarella sticks. "A ruined your relationship too." Spencer just shook her head as she looked sadly towards Hanna. It wasn't the same.
"My relationship was ruined far before A sent me that photo," Spencer said sadly. Her voice had almost cracked, but she had kept control over it. Her eyes had swelled with tears quicker than she thought they would have. Spencer hadn't meant to get emotional, but heartbreak was contagious. The sight of Hanna made Spencer remember all the pain she had tried to push to the side throughout the past few days. Her body ached to cry, ached to just sob out at the injustice of it all. At the pain of it all, but Spencer wouldn't let it. The weakness would not take over her. She wasn't the victim here. Spencer had to be the strong one. "I'm sorry," she muttered as she looked at her hands. The pity would be too much to see in the other girl's eyes. This was supposed to be about Hanna, not about her own breakup with Emily.
"We're here for you too, Spence," Aria said softly. Spencer nodded but kept her eyes on her hands. Her emotions had to be under control before she looked at them. It was harder than it looked to keep it all in. A tear ran down her cheek as she took a deep breath in.
Hanna's hand reached over and gripped onto hers. They could share in their heartbreak.
For now, that was enough.