This episode was a bitch. Took me a really, really long time. Too much planning, too little writing. But it finally turned out okay, I like it a lot more than the previous ones. Fiona finally behaved just as I wanted, seems now like likable character even for me and stole neither Stan's/Kyle's, nor Cartman's spotlight. Wait, Fiona doesn't steal...? Something doesn't seem right.
Anyway, this fic contains the last (fairly) prominent OC I'm going to introduce. It's fun, but it takes a lot of work to 1) make the OC interesting, 2) give them interesting plots while not stealing attention from others, 3) make their appearance seem logical and in place.
Oh, some of you might want to leave this fic alone simply for the fact that I'm introducing a new OC, as if bloody Fiona wasn't enough. Don't worry. It's not another fourth grader.
And now for some formalities... The South Park franchise belongs to Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I own my OC's and the stories, not the universe they take place in.
The story is written in the form of a script, to maintain the similarity to the original show. Kenny's lines are between brackets to indicate that they are muffled. Cartman's tendency to say "kewl" instead of "cool" is also maintained. I've decided to give Fiona an even stronger Scottish accent, so if it is difficult to read, please inform me.
Since I haven't got deleted yet, I hereby thank this site for understanding that format isn't the synonym of quality.
And now enjoy yourselves, lads and lasses, since it's going to be long...
[South Park's third, country style title theme starts playing. SPA's new opening sequence starts with various shots of the fourth graders wearing blank faces appearing with the school bus stop as the background, starting with Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Butters, Jimmy, Wendy, Tweek, Craig, Clyde, Bebe, Token, Timmy, Red, Pip, Jason, Fiona and ending with Kenny being stomped on by a giant foot from Monty Python's Flying Circus openings]
Les Claypool: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.
[As he sings, we see a shot of Tweek from "Bloody Kleptomania" jittering while watching television in his living room. Then we can see two scenes from "Fiona" – Gerald bursting out of the courtroom and crying and Fiona meeting the Mary Sue clique in an empty classroom. Then we see two shots from "The Other Fourth Grade" – Mr. Venezuela dropping a truck of coal on Dogpoo Petuski and Bluecap resting his head on his hand in the Harrisons' home during their "family home evening"]
Kyle and Stan: Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation!
[Kyle and Stan appear on the foreground, singing from different angles in a manner similar to season 12-13 openings. In the background, we can see random scenes from the three first SPA episodes: Kyle arguing with Cartman in the school corridor in "Fiona", Dogpoo trying to strangle Stan while Lizzy holds him down in "The Other Fourth Grade", Stan and Kyle searching for their wallets in the final scene of "Bloody Kleptomania" and Kyle walking out of the boys' bathroom in annoyance away from Fiona in "Bloody Kleptomania"]
Les Claypool: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.
[We see Stan saying "Screw you guys, I'm going home" to Kyle, Fiona and Kenny in "Fiona", Dogpoo knocking on Cartman's bedroom door in "Bloody Kleptomania", Darryl Weathers and Skeeter Tucker on the news in "Bloody Kleptomania" and Cartman smiling cunningly while Lizzy is being taken away by the police in "The Other Fouth Grade"]
Cartman: Ample Parking Day or Night, people spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor"!
[Cartman appears on the foreground singing his lines while we see him jumping from the playground fence as Human Cannonball in "Fiona", Chef singing in the cafeteria and Mary Sues rioting in the courtroom in the same episode]
Les Claypool: I'm headin' down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.
[We see Jason shouting "Hooray!" happily in "Fiona", Mackey pinning Fiona against the wall in "Fiona", Kenny being hit by a javelin in the eye in "The Other Fourth Grade" and Dogpoo yelling at everybody to shut up in his classroom in "The Other Fourth Grade"]
Butters: Loo, loo, loo, I've got some apples, loo, loo, loo, you've got some too!
[While Butters sings in the foreground, we see, in the background, him taking blood from Kenny in "Bloody Kleptomania", Jason making fun of Token for being poor in the school corridor, Clyde, Bebe, Esther and Timmy in a dungeon and Kyle closing his eyes in a rage in Stan's living room in the same episode]
Les Claypool: So come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.
SOUTH PARK AARGH: Episode 816/#04 – People Spouting Howdy Neighbour
[The Boys and Fiona are playing soccer in Stan's backyard. Stan, Kyle and the Scottish girl on one side and Cartman with Kenny on the other. Cartman's the goalkeeper on Kenny's team]
CARTMAN: ...And the hippie's got the ball! The hippie passes to the Mary Sue, the Mary Sue passes to the Jew, the poor kid attempts to take the ball away... And the Jew shoots! [Easily defends Kyle's shot]Fortunately, the amazing Eric Cartman successfully catches the ball again!
FIONA: [somewhat impressed]Wow, ye've got tae admit, Cartman's a stoatin' goalkeeper.
KYLE: That's because he's so fat.
CARTMAN: Ay!
KYLE: Well, it's true! Every time I shoot, your fat ass covers the whole net! You don't even have to move!
CARTMAN: Well, maybe you keep missing because you suck at sports! All Jews are terrible sportsmen, remember?
KYLE: [rolls his eyes]I don't suck at sports, you do, and only because of your weight, fatass!
FIONA: [sighs, already tired of the two arguing]Aye, aye, enuff, lads. Let's juist keep playin'.
CARTMAN: I don't take orders from a woman, Feehna!
FIONA: Oy! [thinks for a second]Dorn't ye call me a woman, fatarse! Aa'm a lass!
[Stan pinches the bridge of his nose. Everyone else just frowns at her]
STAN: ...Remind me, why is she even playing with us?
FIONA: Aye. Ah wuz jist oan me way tae th' local stair tae buy meself some cheesy puifs when A noticed quite an inexpensife football, foorty per cent aff th' price. Oan me way haem, A mit ye lads ain Cartman said if A didn't lit ye play, ye woods cut aff me pigtails ain feed 'em tae th' goats.
STAN: [after a pause] Well, that still seems like a lame excuse.
[There is a moment of silence]
KYLE: So, what do we do now?
KENNY: (We could watch a porn movie.)
KYLE: Ugh! Sick, dude!
KENNY: [shrugs](Just suggesting...)
FIONA: A dorn't ken, lads, A wanted tae keep playin'!
CARTMAN: [rolls his eyes]Oh, you see? There goes the neighbourhood! She moved in just a month ago and she already wants to tell us what to do! A Mary Sue, that's what I call it!
[Fiona glares at Eric]
STAN: What's so exciting about this game, anyway? All you do is kick the ball around. [kicks the ball and shrugs]
KYLE: [nods]Yeah, I just don't get soccer.
FIONA: Ye dun't geit it cause ye're a bloody American! An' fer yer information, it's called football!
CARTMAN: Nuh-uh, fewtball's the game when you run holding this egg-shaped ball…
FIONA: [points her index finger at Cartman] Nae, that's how ye daft Americans renamed rugbae! Whit's th' point o' callin' a game whaur ye use hands aw th' time "football"? Ah mean, whit is th' bleedin' point? An' thare's anither thin'! Ye suck at sports sae much 'at ye invent yer own disciplines sae 'at ye're guid at somethin'. An' ye're only guid at them coz naebody else gits th' rules, loch in baseball!
CARTMAN: So what? At least we don't throw logs, like you do!
KENNY: [suggestively] (My log needs attention if you're interested, Fiona.)
KYLE: Dude, sick!
KENNY: [rolls his eyes] (Oh, come on, Kyle, it was funny!)
KYLE: No, it wasn't, it was completely disgusting and I don't want to hear any word of it!
KENNY: [sighs] (Yes, mom…)
CARTMAN: [chuckles] You said it, Kinny…
STAN: Well, putting logs and moms aside, Cartman's right. We invent our own sports, so do you, so there's no difference!
FIONA: [afraid she'll lose the argument] Well, at leest Ah dorn't eat penguins!
KYLE: [after a pause, frowning] Penguins? Fiona, what the hell are you talking about?!
[Kenny notices something on the street and turns around. The rest do the same after a second. We now see Butters running down the road in a hurry. The boys approach him slowly]
BUTTERS: [panting heavily] Oh boy… Oh, gee…
KENNY: (Butters? What the fuck are you doing?)
BUTTERS: Uh, haven't you fellas heard? I heard from Brad Dixon that Terrance and Phillip's new episode would air today instead of tomorrow for some reason!
CARTMAN: Oh, crap! Now?
BUTTERS: Well, uh, sure, I'm just goin' to watch it while my parents aren't home. If they saw me, I'd get grounded! It starts at quarter to three!
STAN: But that's just five minutes from now! Come on, let's watch it at my house!
[The boys enter Stan's house, but Cartman blocks Fiona's way]
CARTMAN: Uh-uh-uh-uh!
FIONA: Whit 're ye daein'?
CARTMAN: No, the question is what the fuck you think you're doing! You can't hang around with us after what happened yesterday!
FIONA: But it wuz Stan's wallet, nae yers!
CARTMAN: Anyway, we don't trust you, get it? You can't just come to South Park and pretend you're our friend, get it, you ginger slut? Now get your sorry Mary Sue ass out of hyah!
FIONA: Wait a tic… [shouts inside] Kyle, can A come in?!
KYLE: [not paying attention to her] Come on, fatass, we've got Terrance and Phillip to watch!
CARTMAN: Right on it, Jew! [to Fiona] Well, Feehna, it seems you can't after all. See ya. [slams the door right in front of her her]
FIONA: [flinches] Dorn't shut th' door when Aa'm talkin' tae ya!
[The living room. Stan, Butters and Kyle are sitting on the couch and Kenny is lying on the floor]
CARTMAN: Well, so much for the Mary Sue… [sits down next to the poor boy]
STAN: Okay, hit it, Kenny.
[Kenny picks up the remote control and tries to turn the TV on. When there's no response, he tries again and again. He frowns, pushing the button repeatedly]
KENNY: (It's not working.)
KYLE: What? It has to be!
KENNY: (Well, it's not.) [stands up and approaches the TV set]
CARTMAN: Oh, goddamnit, what the hell is going on with your house, Stan?!
STAN: Don't make it sound as if it was my fault, Cartman!
KENNY: [behind the set] (Hey, you guys, look!)
[The other boys come closer and see that at the back the TV set is open and almost completely empty, except for a few screws and cables]
BUTTERS: Aw, uh, it's all empty!
CARTMAN: [frowns at him] Yes, that must seem familiar, doesn't it? Take your head, for example…
KYLE: [agitated] This is no time for your stupid jokes, fatass, this is serious! We can't miss that episode! The question now is who did it!
STAN: [pinches the bridge of his nose] Oh, my God… I think I know…
RANDY'S VOICE: [coming from upstairs] STAAAN! Staaaaaaaan!
STAN: [keeping the bridge of his nose pinched] …I know that voice…
RANDY: [coming down the stairs only in his underwear, dirty and sweaty] Staaaaan! Have you seen my screwdriver, Stan?
STAN: [frowning at his father] Dad, what the hell have you done to our TV?!
RANDY: In "How It's Done" they showed how to make a radio and it had just the parts! Look and admire what your father made you!
[He shows them a loose bunch of screws and metal parts which resemble modern art more than a radio]
STAN: [annoyed to the limits] Dad, nobody sane would want to make a radio out of a TV! Now, put it back again!
RANDY: [unsure] Uh… I'm afraid I can't do it yet.
STAN: What?
RANDY: Well, they are going to show how to make TV's next week. I don't know how to do it yet.
BUTTERS: Uh, well, b-but you'd need a TV to watch it, wouldn't you?
RANDY: [After a pause, suddenly realizing] …Good point.
CARTMAN: Oh, goddamnit, see what your stupid dad has done?!
KYLE: [panicking] I agree with fatass! This is a crisis, where are we going to watch Terrance and Phillip?
KENNY: (What are we gonna do?)
STAN: Okay, let's all calm down! Now let's see… what would Brian Boitano do?
CARTMAN: Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?
[Beat. The kids look around, Randy walks upstairs again. Nobody appears]
KYLE: Whose house is the closest to yours, Stan?
BUTTERS: Uh, I think it's Kenny's.
KENNY: (What?)
CARTMAN: This is bull-crap! We can't go to Kinney's house, they don't have color TV!
KENNY: (Hey, fuck you, Eric!)
STAN: All right, all right! It'll have to be Butters's, then.
BUTTERS: But fellas! If we watch Terrance and Phillip at my house, my parents are gonna ground me!
KYLE: [opening the front door] All right, you guys, we have to be quick while the commercials are still on.
BUTTERS: B-but fellas!
CARTMAN: [snaps angrily] Shut up, Butters!
[The boys leave the Marsh residence and turn left when they reach the street. As they walk, they see Fiona sitting on a fence belonging to a neighbor of Stan's]
FIONA: Enjoyed th' episode, lads?
KYLE: [frowns] Shut up, Fiona, we didn't get to watch it.
FIONA: Why's 'at?
STAN: My stupid dad dismantled the TV. We're going to watch it at Butters's house. You can tag along, if you want.
BUTTERS: Uh, but Stan, I'll get grounded if I bring a lady home without letting my parents know!
CARTMAN: You're such a pussy, Butters! If mah meehm tried to forbid me that, I'd be like, "Ay! Why don't you go to the kitchen… and let me and this chick… make love by the fire in your fucking bedroom!"
BUTTERS: But Eric, your mom's bedroom doesn't have a fire!
CARTMAN: That's not the point, Butters!
FIONA: Buit… lads, ye can watch it reit here, if ye want. [points at the house behind her]
KYLE: [annoyed] Fiona, how many times do I have to tell you, it's morally wrong to enter someone else's home without permission! You can even get shot for this here!
FIONA: But it's nae someain else's, A live 'ere!
KYLE: What?
STAN: Wait, wait, wait. So you were my neighbor this whole time and you never told me?
FIONA: [shrugs] Ye ne'er asked.
I hope you all enjoyed the first chapter. I actually never watched "How It's Done", I should do some research next time I make a reference. Writing out the whole opening was a daft idea, I know… I hope I haven't made a lot of grammar errors, my beta has been away for a while. Oh, and thanks for your advice, John. Though I'm still not sure whether to split it into two parts or not.
As they say, read, review and rot. Erm, scratch the last bit. Next week, next chapter.
Wensleydale