And now for the second part. Goin' down to Second Part, gonna have myself a time…
[Fiona leads the boys into her living room. Inside, we can see numerous elements of Victorian interior decoration: an ancient, purple-brown sofa, a large pendulum clock, a black bowler hat and an umbrella hung on a wooden coat stand. Needless to say, it looks like a stereotypical English City gentleman's household. As the children come in, the camera moves a bit to the left, so that we see the owner of the said hat and umbrella, sitting on the armchair next to the sofa. It is a man of 42, with average, maybe a bit small and thin, body shape. He has short, neatly combed blond hair and moustache, thick, bushy black eyebrows, forming a slight, but constant frown and some wrinkles appearing on the forehead. He is wearing a white shirt, a dark green suit and a monocle on his left eye. He also possesses a pocket watch, now hidden except for the small chain attached to his shirt. He appears not to have noticed the children come in. He continues to stare at the fairly normally looking TV set]
FIONA: 'Ello, dad! Can we watch th' telly?
FIONA'S DAD: [With a fairly high, nasal, condescending voice, often wiggling his moustache when talking. He uses an upper-middle-class Southeast English accent] Another car strike, would you believe it? These people simply can't decide what they want. Hmph, this is so typical. Now they're asking for money and this time next year they will be asking for some other sodding thing, that's their whole point in life. Hmph! That's not life, it's called socialism…
KYLE: [raises an eyebrow] Wait, that's not right! We have democracy in America.
FIONA'S DAD: [interrupts him angrily] "America!" [he spits, as if disgusted when the name was mentioned] I spit on your America! It is we, the British, who created your culture! All you did was turn it into a barbarian country of prancing simpletons!
FIONA: Aye, aye, that's aw very well, dad, but we jist wanted tae use th' telly.
FIONA'S DAD: Oh, I see, I get the picture! And who are you to use our telly?!
FIONA: Aa'm yer dochter, Fiona, dorn't ye recognise me?
FIONA'S DAD: No, not you, I meant these chaps! [points at the boys]
FIONA: Och, reit. These ur Kyle, Butters, Stan, Kenny an' fatarse.
CARTMAN: [glares quickly] Ay, don't call me fat!
FIONA'S DAD: [somewhat sympathetic, but still retaining his pompous attitude] That's right, Fiona, refrain from calling this poor chap fat. It's not his fault that he lives in a country which promotes obesity… Americans… [He spits. Fiona spits as well, Kyle frowns at her]
CARTMAN: [enthusiastically] Hey, yeah, I'm not fat! It's just an effect of my country promoting obesitah!
KYLE: No, you're just fat.
CARTMAN: Ay!
STAN: Yeah, Cartman, it's your own fault you're fat. Don't try to put the blame on all Americans!
FIONA'S DAD: Americans! [Spits. His saliva lands on Butters's eye]
BUTTERS: [startled] Waaah! [rubs his eye in confusion] Awh, it's all gooey…
FIONA: [to her father] Sae, can we watch it ur nae?
FIONA'S DAD: Oh, for God's sake, Fiona, I have been drilling people's teeth all morning, don't you think your father deserves a little rest? After all, we're in… in… [hesitates]
KENNY: (America?)
FIONA'S DAD: That's right, jolly good chap! [spits]
FIONA: Aw, but dad!
FIONA'S DAD: No excuses, just go up to your room!
FIONA: It's a bungalow, dad.
FIONA'S DAD: [looks around and cleans his monocle] Oh, yes, so it is.
STAN: What about us?
FIONA: It's okay, lads. Ye can come tae me ruim if ye loch.
KENNY: (Woo-hoo!)
BUTTERS: Aw, gee, that would be swell!
STAN: [raises an eyebrow] Would it?
FIONA'S DAD: [sighing] Oh, all right… Just make sure they're out before dinner. I won't have your classmates scavenging in my dining room. After all, where would it all end? I'll knock you up at about six.
CARTMAN: [to himself, under his breath, while others are still talking] "Knock you up?" What the hell is that supposed to mean?
[A creepy music starts playing while we see a close-up of Cartman's unusually serious face collecting fthoughts. Then we can see through his eyes. First, he notices a framed photo of a younger Fiona and her father embracing each other, then some similar ones. The music reaches its climax when we see Eric's horrified face again. It suddenly stops when we see Butters behind Cartman]
BUTTERS: Uh, are you coming, Eric?
CARTMAN: [still with a shocked expression on his face] …Yeah, coming!
[The music continues in an overly dramatic fashion]
[We can see a scene from a "Terrance and Phillip" episode. The two main characters are in a Yukon scenery wearing furry hats]
PHILLIP: Say, Terrance, it seems we're near the Yukon river!
TERRANCE: My God, Phillip, you're right! Look at how much snow there is aboot! We should play snowball farts!
PHILLIP: How do you play snowball farts, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Well, I'll tell you, listen!
[There is a moment of silence. Terrance jumps and farts on Phillip's face and they both burst into laughter. We then cut back to Fiona's room. The children are sitting on Fiona's bed with the exception of Kyle, Kenny and Butters, who are lying on the floor. The room is a regular one not counting a tartan carpet and bed sheet and golf clubs against the wall. The boys laugh while Fiona looks at them in confusion]
FIONA: Eh? Ah dorn't geit it.
CARTMAN: Well, Feehna, that's probably because you're a chick.
TV ANNOUNCER: [accompanied by T&P's theme music] And that concludes this week's installment of Terrance and Phillip. Stay tuned for the next week's episode!
KYLE: [turns off the TV] Whew, that was a great episode.
BUTTERS: Yeah, uh, when I saw Phillip fart on Scott's face, I thought, gee whiz, I was gonna die!
[Fiona raises an eyebrow and sighs]
KYLE: Hey, doesn't it seem like ages since we had a snowball fight like Terrance and Phillip?
STAN: Yeah, we get so much snow around here I forgot how much fun it was.
KENNY: (Unless of course you're soaking wet and you don't have heating at home…)
KYLE: [ignoring him completely] We should totally do it sometime soon. Hey, Fiona, since you and Stan are neighbors, could we make a battlefield at your place?
FIONA: Uh…
KYLE: Good, that's settled, then.
BUTTERS: But fellas, we won't have to fart snowballs, will we? That would be awful wet…
STAN: I don't think it's very likely, Butters.
KYLE: Dude, Fione, I still can't believe you'd have a TV in your room.
FIONA: Aye, uh, Ah borrowed it frae Clyde.
STAN: "Borrowed it"?
FIONA: [trying to change the subject] Aye, lads, whit woods ye loch tae drink? Whisky?
[Kenny raises his hand but Kyle slaps it down]
KYLE: Goddamnit, Fiona, we can't drink whisky, we're nine!
FIONA: Oh, I see. Back in Iverness if you couldn't drink whisky, then it meant you weren't a true Scotsman.
KYLE: We can live with not being true Scotsmen. Now go and bring us an orange juice… or something.
FIONA: Aye, anythin' else?
STAN: Yeah, could you tell me where the restroom is?
FIONA: A'll show ya. Jist dorn't pinch anythin'!
STAN: [glares at her] Right, cause I'm the one who steals everything I see round here.
[They leave. Kenny punches Kyle on the arm angrily]
KYLE: Ow! What the hell was that for, Kenny?
KENNY: (Dude, just speak for yourself! Maybe I wanted a drink!)
[Butters sits down on the bed and nudges Cartman in the arm]
BUTTERS: Uh, are you all right, Eric? You've been awful quiet…
[Cartman looks troubled. He looks at the door, listens for a while, stands up and slowly closes the door]
KENNY: (Eric?)
CARTMAN: Is the coast clear? [with a serious face]
BUTTERS: Gee, what are you talkin'…
CARTMAN: [interrupts him suddenly, grabbing his shirt and throttling him] Is the coast CLEAH?!
KENNY: (Eric, what the fuck are you on about?)
CARTMAN: Kinney, shut those windows! Butters, you check under the bed for hidden microphones!
KYLE: [rolls his eyes, sensing trouble] What crazy scheme have you come up with now, fatass?
CARTMAN: This isn't the time for our insult routine, Kahl, this is seriousleh! Hurry up with those windows, Kinny!
KENNY: (Okay, okay, Jesus…)
CARTMAN: Now, gentlemen, gather round! [the boys do as Eric says] Now, I believe we don't have much time. If we don't act now, our group, as well as that new chick might be in great danger!
KYLE: What are you saying, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Well, Kahl… I believe that Feehna's dad might be… a pedofahl.
KYLE: [skeptically] …What?
BUTTERS: Fellas, uh, what's a pedophile?
KENNY: (It's when your uncle wants to stick his dick up your ass.)
KYLE: Yeah, dude, you remember NAMBLA. [to Cartman] But what the hell gave you the idea?
CARTMAN: Buh! [rolls his eyes] Isn't that obvious, Kahl? I had my suspicions ever since she moved in. As you all know, Feehna is a Mary Sue…
KYLE: [interrupts him] Oh, God! Are you still on about that, fata-
CARTMAN: [raises his hand] Now, Kahl! I'm not finished! As you may know, Feehna is a Sue, so she's bound to have a tragic, clichéd past that she thinks is what makes her special. That tragic past is often linked with sexual abuse, usually coming from parents. What do you think?
KYLE: What do I think of it? [annoyed] Cartman, of all the idiocies you ever came up with, this one exceeds… at least five!
CARTMAN: Oh yeah? Well, you're a fuckin' Jew, Kahl! Why is it so unbelievable for you?
KENNY: (Dude, you don't have any proof.)
BUTTERS: [mumbles to himself] M-my uncle's a pedophile?
EVERYONE: Shut up, Butters!
CARTMAN: I do have proof, Kinny! What about those pictures downstairs? What about his moustache?
KENNY: (What about it?)
CARTMAN: Oh, please, Kinny, everyone knows that a moustache is the first sign of a pedofahl!
KYLE: [irritated with Cartman's logic] Cartman, my dad has a moustache! Stan's dad has one too!
KENNY: (Yeah, and mine!)
CARTMAN: [laughs with glee] Ha-ha-hah! It seems only my dad isn't a pedofahl!
KYLE: Cartman, you don't even have a dad!
CARTMAN: Oh, yeah.
[The scene moves downstairs. We see Fiona in the kitchen, pouring beverages into five little glasses, three already filled. She grabs a carton of orange juice, fills about a quarter of the glass, puts the carton away and fills the rest with tap water. She then repeats the same routine with the last glass, this time with coke. Then she opens the cupboard and grabs a large mug with "Fiona" written on it. She fills it all with orange juice, drinks it all in one go and pours herself another mug. Meanwhile, we see Stan sitting on the armchair next to Fiona's father]
FIONA'S DAD: And I mean, it's always the same wherever I go in this bloody country! The British are always portrayed stereotypically! We always need to have crooked teeth, we always speak with an upper-class accent and of course we have to use "jolly good", "old chap" and "I say" in every single sentence. Bloody typical, wouldn't you agree, old chap?
STAN: [confused] I-I just asked where the toilet is… [He looks at his teeth to check if they are crooked. They are]
FIONA'S DAD: I say, Fiona? Be a dear and make me a nice cup of tea, will you? It's past five…
FIONA: Aw reit, dad, jist a minute.
FIONA'S DAD: Jolly good show. Now, where was I? Oh, right, stereotypes…
[Cartman, Butters, Kenny and Kyle come down. Butters rubs his hands together nervously]
FIONA: Ye're gonnae awreddy, lads? [puts the tray down]
KYLE: Yeah, Cartman thinks your dad's a…
CARTMAN: [covers Kyle's mouth with his hands] Shh, Kahl, don't shout it out loud! We must plan this carefullah!
FIONA: Plan whit?
KYLE: [slaps Eric's hand away] Fuck you, fatass! [Walks out]
STAN: [joins the group] We're leaving?
BUTTERS: [worried] Uh, Stan, is your butt okay?
STAN: [raises an eyebrow] What?
FIONA'S DAD: Well, it was quite nice seeing you here, chaps…
BUTTERS: Aaaagh! [Closes his eyes in panic and hides behind Stan] Don't, uh, t-touch me with your f-filthy hands, you, uh, pervert!
FIONA'S DAD: [frowns] Eh?
CARTMAN: [glares right back at the Englishman] That's right, Butters, you tell him! You, sir, are disgusting! What you're doing to your daughter is disgusting, even if she is just a Mary Sue! Come on, you guys, we aren't gonna stay here a moment longer!
[Cartman runs out with Butters. Kenny follows his slowly, sighing. Stan also walks out with a confused expression on his face. Fiona and her dad stare at the open door in silence]
FIONA: Whit wuz 'at aw abit?
FIONA'S DAD: [unfazed] Oh, don't you mind them, they're just being Americans.
[He walks a few steps into the living room. Fiona's eyes follow him in confusion. He then comes back to the door, opens it again and spits]
Yes, Fiona's dad's a Basil Fawlty expy. Also, the spitting thing came from Madame Fanny from 'Allo 'Allo. And the fact that he's a dentist, it's based on Ben Harper from My Family. He's also got some of my traits, but that doesn't make him a self-insert, does it?
Does it?
Well, say something!
Wensleydale
PS: But really, tell me how he turned out.
PPS: Don't bother asking why he's English and Fiona's Scottish… It's going to be explained later.