Thank you guys for all your reviews, I'm happy someone is still interested in my work.
Whoa, I can't believe I'm introducing a whole new subplot in the third act. So late… Now I really can't split the fic into two parts… Meh…
[The classroom, next day. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave are standing in front of the kids]
GARRISON: Okay, children, let's take our seats… Now, I'm sorry it's at such short notice, but I'll be going away for today. I'll be visiting my family in Arkansas, so my assistant, Mr. Slave, is going to take over.
CARTMAN: Oh, you're going away? Sweet!
GARRISON: [frowns] Be quiet, Eric! Now, I want you to be especially polite today, since Mr. Slave doesn't have a lot of experience with little rascals such as yourselves!
SLAVE: [looks down] Uh… Jethuth Chritht…
GARRISON: Anyway, Mr. Slave, should anything happen, just give me a call. And don't bother sending Craig to Mackey's office, this finger thing I told you about is just a reflex action.
[Garrison walks out of the classroom, leaving the students and Slave in silence. They look on one another awkwardly, Slave somewhat nervously]
SLAVE: Oh, Jethuth… Jethuth Chritht… What should I do…
CARTMAN: [Rolls his eyes and whispers to Stan and Kenny] Oh, sweet, you guys, another substitute teacher who doesn't know what to do…
SLAVE: Well… I thuppothe we could do thome math problemth?
STAN: Math problemth?
BUTTERS: Uh, I think he meant math problems, fellas.
STAN: I know what he said, Butters! It's just that… We haven't had any math problems in, like, four months.
SLAVE: Four monthth? Jethuth Chritht, then what have you been learning all thith time?
[The children look at one another, their eyebrows raised, as if it was something usual]
BEBE: How Christopher Columbus discovered France…
CLYDE: How "Fawlty Towers" was better than "A Fish Called Wanda".
BUTTERS: A-and why Benjamin Franklin shot pope John Paul the second!
SLAVE: [shocked] What? Thith ithn't what you're thuppothed to be learning, Jethuth Critht!
WENDY: Mr. Garrison told us many times he doesn't really give a damn about the school curriculum.
SLAVE: Well, that doeth it! I'm gonna teach you kidth thomething utheful even if it killth me!
STAN: Wow, this could be a fun change.
[Nods and sounds of approval from all the students. Mr. Slave smiles]
[The school corridor. We see Cartman showing up out of nowhere and nudging Butters on the arm]
BUTTERS: Gee, Eric, what's the matter?
CARTMAN: Butters, tell Timmy and Kevin to meet me in my basement after skewl, you got that? And you come, too!
BUTTERS: Uh, yes, sir!
CARTMAN: Kewl. I'll tell Clyde.
[Meanwhile, nearby Stan is standing next to Kyle by the lockers]
STAN: Dude, it seems Cartman is scheming something. Are you sure you're okay with that?
KYLE: [frowning] No, but I need a break. For the first time in my life, I'm doing something completely independent from fatass and I'm not letting him get in my way!
STAN: [confused] Doing something, what's that?
KYLE: The snowball fight, don't you remember?! Christ, if Cartman wants everybody to think he's psychic, everybody remembers, but if I want to make a decent snow-
STAN: Okay, okay, calm down, dude!
KYLE: We can do it at your house today, right?
STAN: Yeah, there's no problem. But what about Cartman?
KYLE: Oh, give over, Stan. He can't destroy the world over one afternoon. What's the worst thing that can happen?
[Late afternoon, Cartmans' basement. Eric is sitting in his chair at the end of the desk, on which there are lying some pieces of paper and a city map]
CARTMAN: Okay, gentlemen, thank you all for coming at such short notice. We don't have much tahm and soon, every child in South Park might be in danger of being raped if we don't act quickly.
[We see Cartman's audience consisting of Butters, Clyde, Kevin Stoley, Timmy and Clyde Frog, Eric's stuffed toy]
CLYDE: [frowns] What are we doing here?
CARTMAN: Ah, good question, Clyde Two.
CLYDE: "Clyde Two?"
CARTMAN: Yes. As we have two Clydes here, I decided to call my faithful friend Clyde Frog Clyde One and you Clyde Two, just to avoid confusion.
CLYDE: You consider a stuffed toy more important than me?
CARTMAN: [rolls his eyes] Yes, Clyde, in fact I do! See, this is exactly the reason you're Clyde Two, you never know when to shut up! Now be quiet, Clyde!
BUTTERS: [raises his hand] Uh, Eric, was that last remark supposed to refer to Clyde One or Two?
CARTMAN: Shut up, Butters! …Now, we gathered hyah to do something about a grave danger that is approaching South Park.
TIMMY: Timmeh!
CARTMAN: I was just about to say it, Timmy. We're talking about no-one other than Feehna's dad. I found out his name is Walter Darling. "Darling"… Even that name smells of a pedophahl…
KEVIN: A pedophile? [He raises his eyebrow while Clyde opens his mouth] Why do you think he's a pedophile?
CARTMAN: Why? What do you mean, why? [Pinches the bridge of his nose] Kevin, goddamnit, I swear it, I never expected Timmy of all people to contribute the most to the discussion!
TIMMY: [happily] Timmah!
BUTTERS: [to Kevin] Uh, Eric saw some pictures of Mr. D-darling molestin' his d-daughter, Kevin!
KEVIN: [skeptically, to Cartman] What's your proof, then? You have 'em with you?
CARTMAN: I don't need proof!
CLYDE: Uh… You kind of do, if you want to lock them away, or something, you'll need to show the pictures to the cops.
CARTMAN: Hey… That's not a bad idea after all! Keep it up, Clyde, and you might get promoted to Clyde One-And-A-Half! Or even Clyde Three-Quarters!
CLYDE: [happily] Kickass!
[Kevin frowns at him]
[Stan's front yard, afternoon. Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Fiona are making snowballs]
STAN: Okay, I think that's about enough. Now, do we fight?
KYLE: No, dude, now we have to choose sides! Haven't you ever fought snowballs before?
STAN: Can't we just go ahead and fight?
KYLE: No, dude, trust me. It'll be way more fun this way.
STAN: So how is it gonna be? I'll be with you and Kenny with Fiona?
KENNY: (Dude, no! Girls suck at fighting!)
FIONA: Eh?
KYLE: It's the only way, Kenny.
KENNY: (Well, it's easy for you to say. How about you'll be with Fiona and me with Stan?)
KYLE: Then we don't stand a chance! I'm not that good at fighting myself! I'm the smart guy!
STAN: Guys… Aren't you making a big deal out of it? I mean, do you really care who's with who?
KENNY AND KYLE: Yeah!
FIONA: Lads, Aa'm still nae sure if we can use me yard.
KYLE: [after a moment of silence] …What's that got to do with anything?
FIONA: [shrugs] Aa'm jist sayin'.
KYLE: Nobody's changing sides, okay? It'll just complicate things!
[Suddenly, Kyle's mum approaches the children in her car and honks twice]
SHEILA: Kyle, bubbe! If you're playing, take your little brother with you!
IKE: [comes out of the car] Fireman!
KYLE: No, no, no, we're not doing that!
STAN: [interrupting] That's what I always say-
KYLE: Mom, there's no way Ike is going to play with us-
SHEILA: Do as I say, Kyle!
KYLE: [intimidated] O-okay, okay!
[Sheila drives off]
KENNY: [sarcastically] (Great job, Kyle. How assertive.)
KYLE: Shut up!
FIONA: Aw reit, lads, calm doon. Sae noo aw we hae tae dae is put Ike in me team an' we're in th' clear!
KENNY: (Hang on! How well can Ike fight?)
STAN: [rolls his eyes] Oh, for God's sake… Can we start already?
KYLE: Are you kidding me, Kenny? He's more fit to be ammunition!
[Suddenly, Randy come out of the Marsh residence]
RANDY: Hello, boys… What are you doing?
STAN: Snowball fighting, apparently…
RANDY: [amused] Yeah, so I see from your wet clothes. You must be so tired by now…
KYLE: [whispers to Stan] Dude, has your dad always been so sarcastic?
STAN: [whispers back] I don't know, dude, he's been like this recently. I hope he won't turn it into his next obsession.
RANDY: Stan, your mom would rather you played with an adult watching and I'm going to work. Can't your little friends come back later?
KYLE: [irritated] Later? We haven't even started the goddamned thing!
STAN: What about mom?
RANDY: She's cooking dinner.
STAN: Shelly?
RANDY: She's not an adult, Stanley.
STAN: Uncle Jimbo?
RANDY: He doesn't even live here.
STAN: …Grampa?
RANDY: If grampa's watching you, then who will watch grampa?
STAN: …Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me he's watching himself right now? That doesn't make any sense!
RANDY: …Don't be cheeky!
FIONA: Wait a tic! Cooldnae me dad watch us? We live next duir, ye know.
RANDY: That's a good idea. I'll ask him right away!
[Randy follows Fiona and the boys to her house. He knocks three times and Fiona's dad opens. Both seem astonished. Their mouths start forming a little "o" and they point their index fingers at each other]
RANDY: You!
WALTER: [surprised] Randy Marsh, well I never… [angrily] You're not coming here! Fiona, call the nearest constable!
FIONA: Eh?
RANDY: Oh, yeah? And what will the charges be? Betrayal of friendship? Seems familiar? Hm?
STAN: [confused] Wait, dad, what the hell are you talking about?
WALTER: [frowning] I thought you moved away after what happened last time. Have you got no shame, Marsh?!
RANDY: I thought you would never come back here, Darling.
WALTER: [furious] Don't call me "Darling"!
RANDY: Why did you come back?
WALTER: Medicinal purposes. And I can't see why that is any of your business! Though that is typical of you Americans, [spits] sticking your bloody noses where you're not needed…
RANDY: As you say, Darling.
WALTER: DON'T CALL ME "DARLING"!
STAN: [whispers to Fiona why the two adults are engaging in a heated argument] Why is he calling him that? Is my dad gay for yours?
FIONA:Nae, it's his real surname. His full name is Walter Darling.
STAN: Wasn't it McTeagle, like yours?
FIONA: Nae, Mcteagle's me mum's name. Me dad comes frae Englain, sae he's got anither.
KYLE: Didn't you say you hated Englishmen for being "bleedin' Sassenachs" or something?
FIONA:Aye, 'at's reit.
KYLE: So… do you hate your dad?
FIONA: Hate me dad? Why wood Ah dae 'at?
KYLE: [raises an eyebrow] Cause… [unsure] …He's a bleeding Sassenach?
FIONA: [glares at Kyle and points her finger at him threateningly] Dorn't ye dare talk abit me dad loch 'at!
[Kyle opens his mouth in confusion with Fiona's illogical behavior. He finally sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose]
WALTER: Oh, this is so typical! First you betray my trust and then you come crawling for help! How typically American! [spits]
STAN: Yeah, actually my dad wanted to ask you something, Mr. …Darling. Didn't you, dad?
RANDY: [sulks] No!
KYLE: We're having a snowball fight and we need someone to watch us. Could you do it?
WALTER: God, can't Marsh even look after his children properly? All right, I'll do it. Just let me get my hat and coat.
RANDY: Wait, what do you mean, I can't do it? I could watch them anytime! I just need to make sure my son won't whoop your little Mary Sue's sorry ass!
FIONA: [irritated] Aa'm nae a Sue!
WALTER: Oh, really? Well I'm still wondering how your pathetic everyman son would be able to do it! With your help, perhaps. You Marshes never knew how to play fair.
RANDY: Well, that does it! I'm not gonna stand here while you're insulting our family's honor! Stanley, Kyle, call all the friends you can and tell them to come here! We must prepare for war!
STAN: …I thought you were going to work.
WALTER: Fiona, orange-cloaked boy, Canadian baby, you do the same! And Randy?
RANDY: What?
WALTER: For your information, it's pronounced "honour"! Come along, you three!
KYLE: …And we just wanted to have a little snowball fight…
And this is where it starts getting weirder… You know that the main plot in the original version wasn't supposed to be the snowball fight? It was supposed to be some business about fake and real gold… But I thought Fiona and BK are enough for now when it comes to money-themed episodes… Plus, it would be boring… It's got a good ending, though. I'll put it up later in the deleted scenes.
R&R
Wensleydale