Whoa, I'm really behind schedule, aren't I? Thanks for all your reviews, I'm going to reply soon.
This chapter has got some of my favourite quotes from this fic. Enjoy.
[Garrison's home, evening. Slave is sitting on the couch while Garrison is unpacking his suitcase]
GARRISON: Wooh, finally here, I thought this trip would last forever. What about you? How was your day with the class from hell?
SLAVE: Oh, Jethuth, they were actually really nithe.
GARRISON: [raises an eyebrow] Wait, what? No shouting, no Eric Cartman taking a crap on your desk?
SLAVE: No, everything wath ath right ath rain. They were all lithtening to me and even thanked me for the leththon! I'm telling you, I have never felt like thith my whole life, Jethuth Critht!
GARRISON: Well, I'll be damned, my class acting polite? Something smells fishy here…
[The Marsh residence, evening. The living room is full of Stan's peers, including Tweek, Craig, Jason, Bebe, Red, Dogpoo, Gary, Nelly, Esther, Annie, Bradley and many unnamed ones. Stan and Kyle are staring at the crowd, embarrassed. Randy finally appears, dressed in a military uniform]
RANDY: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming. As you may know, the war has started. Darling's forces will soon start building their snow structures and then only God can help us. Many of you are not coming back from this alive, but believe me, I'm willing to take that risk.
STAN: [pinches the bridge of his nose] Jesus Christ, this is fucking ridiculous…
RANDY: Lt. Jimbo Kern and Ned Gerblansky will fill you in on the tactics.
JIMBO: [entering the room from the kitchen, tipsy] The… the most important thing is to thin out their numbers, you got that? And don't waste snowballs unless they're coming right for you!
NED: Mmm, they're coming right for us, mmm…
KYLE: [while Jimbo and Ned are still talking, he whispers to Stan] Dude, this is ridiculous. Why is your dad treating this so seriously?
STAN: He's my dad, Kyle. Besides, let's just play along with it for a while. If we play our cards right, we won't have to go to school for a couple of days.
JIMBO: Now, has anyone got any questions?
ESTHER: Yeah. Can I change sides? Heidi's on the other one and I wanted…
KYLE: [outraged] No, Esther, nobody's changing sides! Think before you say something! If this were a real army, we could execute you for treason!
ESTHER: Oh. Okay.
[Kyle folds his arms. Stan glances at him skeptically]
STAN: Didn't you just say something about taking things too seriously?
[Walter and Fiona's front yard. Numerous kids, including Fiona, Kenny, Ike, Jimmy, Token, Heidi, Bluecap, Jenny, Lola, Pip, Dougie, Milly, Bluecap, Francis, Mark Cotswolds, Bill, Fosse, Terrance and others are building snow structures and making ammunition]
WALTER: [in a British military uniform] Hurry up with those walls and trenches, chaps! We must be ready any minute now. I say, you, fellow! Come over here!
[Pip approaches Walter]
PIP: Me, sir?
WALTER: [pleasantly surprised] Good lord, you're English! What a pleasure to meet a fellow countryman in this barbarian land. [Spits] I'm making you my second-in-command.
PIP: Oh, what joy, I shall do my best, sir!
WALTER: Absolutely spiffic. Now tell the chap in the beaver jumper to take the first watch. [Pip leaves] Kenneth, come over here!
KENNY: (What do you want, Mr. Darling?)
WALTER: Kenny, take a few chaps out of the trenches and start making snowballs for our soldiers.
KENNY: (You mean you'll be using my balls for ammunition?)
WALTER: That's right, yes.
KENNY: (I'm not really happy over this.)
WALTER: Well, Kenny, as they say, this is war. You have to make sacrifices. Dismissed.
[Kenny walks away, Fiona approaches her dad, worried]
FIONA: Dad, dorn't ye think thes is gonnae a wee bit tay far? Ah mean, we jist wanted tae spent one efternuin playin', nae tae start a war out o' it. Why ur ye daein' thes? Whit kin' ay things did Stan's dad dae tae ye?
WALTER: [clearly distraught] My dear girl… He did… something unforgivable…
[Fiona raises an eyebrow]
[The "battle field", night. Both sides consist of three children by the "campfire", lit inside a trash can. On Randy's side we see Kyle, Craig and Annie. They stay in silence until Craig breaks it]
CRAIG: Well, this is fun, isn't it?
KYLE: Shut up, Craig.
CRAIG: No, I mean it. Why do we need video games and movies when we can freeze to death at Stan's house? I'm sooooo happy I want to puke right now.
KYLE: You accepted the invitation, right? So don't go complaining now, you knew what it was going to be like!
CRAIG: I thought we were going to throw snowballs, not wait outside forever. [flips him off]
ANNIE: Um, Kyle, could I go home… for a minute? I wanted to water… my flowers, they're very tender… specimens, you see. And when I don't water… them, they don't listen… to Mozart, and when they don't… listen to Mozart, they go all… dry and wimpy…
[In the meantime, we see Jimmy walking over to Randy's side behind the kids]
KYLE: Nobody cares about your flowers, Annie! If I'm getting grounded, you are too!
ANNIE: [timidly] Oh… I'm terribly… sorry, Kyle.
[Kyle notices Jimmy]
KYLE: Jimmy? Jimmy, what the hell are you doing?
JIMMY: I'm g-going over to your side very much. Is it a problem?
KYLE: Of course it's a problem! We've established a fucking rule! No switching sides! Go back, Jimmy!
JIMMY: W-wow. What a terrific audience. [Walks back on his crutches with difficulty]
[Randy and Sharon's bedroom. Randy is sitting at his desk, drawing a simplistic battle plan on a piece of paper. Sharon appears in her nightdress behind him.]
SHARON: Randy, what is going on? Why is our house full of kids and what are you doing in our front yard?
RANDY: Walter came back, Sharon. He came back to finish what he started.
SHARON: …Started what?
RANDY: [dramatically] He's going to destroy me, Sharon! He's going to destroy meee! [goes back to planning the battle]
SHARON: [skeptically] You could have at least told me he came. I would've gone and said hello…
[Fiona's backyard, late at night. Cartman, dressed all in black and with black spray all over his face sneaks over to the window along with similarly dressed Butters, Clyde, Kevin and Timmy. Cartman is holding Clyde frog in the same outfit in his hand]
CARTMAN: [whispers] All right, gentlemen, this is it. Butters, you remember the plan?
BUTTERS: Uh, yes, sir! You, and uh, Kevin are goin' to sneak in and look for the pictures in the living room, me and Clyde… Two… are gonna try to catch Mr. Darlin' in the act with Fiona and uh, Timmy…
CARTMAN: …And Clyde Frog…
BUTTERS: And, uh, Clyde F-frog are goin' to keep a look out.
CARTMAN: Everyone got it?
TIMMY: [quietly] Timmah…
CARTMAN: Then we're going in! [opens the window]
[We cut to the living room. We can barely see the boys coming through the window in the dark. Butters and Clyde go up the stairs, but we follow Eric and Kevin on the ground floor]
CARTMAN: All right, they were hyah somewhere… Christ, it's dark in hyah! [to Kevin] D'you have a flashlight?
KEVIN: Yeah.
CARTMAN: [rolls his eyes impatiently] Then why don't you flash it?
[Kevin shrugs, then reaches down his pocket and turns on his toy light saber. A green light starts glowing around it]
CARTMAN: [pinches the bridge of his nose] Kevin, Goddamnit…
[We cut to Clyde and Butters upstairs]
CLYDE: All right, we'll split up here. You search all the rooms and I'll keep a look out.
BUTTERS: B-but why can't you…
CLYDE: Butters, are you a team player or not?
BUTTERS: Uh, o-okay. [Enters the corridor, unsure]
[We see Butters sneaking through the corridor, rubbing his hands together nervously and humming a song quietly]
BUTTERS: Loo, loo, loo, I've got some apples… Loo, loo, loo.. You've…
[A door opens right behind Leopold. He flinches. Fiona walks out of the bathroom in her checked pajamas]
FIONA: [unfazed] Ah, 'ello, Buitters. [Turns off the light]
BUTTERS: [astonished] Uh, gee, Fiona, aren't you surprised to see me?
FIONA: Nae, why? It's sort o' logical. A've been pinchin' stuff frae yer home fer a month.
BUTTERS: [somewhat disturbed, but regains his composure] N-nah, I'm not stealin', we're, uh, here to rescue you from your dad molestin' you!
FIONA: [flinches] Eh?
[Walter comes out of his room and turns on the light]
WALTER: What is the meaning of this? What on earth are you doing making this much noise this time of night? Is it an attack? [Rubs his eye and puts on his monocle. He looks at Butters and frowns] …I don't mean to be rude, but what's this little bloody sod doing here again? You're a spy, aren't you?!
BUTTERS: Uh, ah, hello. [smiles nervously and waves]
FIONA: He said ye were molestin' me. Is it true? [rubs her head] A've niver noticed…
CLYDE: [hisses] Butters, run for it!
BUTTERS: Aw, hamburgers! [grabs Fiona's hand and flees, Fiona following him, confused]
FIONA: [running, to Walter] A-A'll talk tae ya later.
WALTER: [He is stunned for a few seconds. He opens his mouth, closes it and glares] …Hang on a second here!
[We cut to Cartman, Kevin, Clyde and Fiona jumping out of the window and escaping along with Timmy, accompanied by some film chase music. It finally stops when they hide behind the bushes across the street, panting for breath. Kevin keeps waving his light saber, as if to check for invisible enemies. Among all the confusion Fiona ended up on Timmy's wheelchair]
TIMMY: [excited] Ooh, Timmeh! [Fiona jumps off]
CARTMAN: [notices her] Awh, seriously, guys? You really had to take her, Clyde?!
CLYDE: It wasn't me, Butters met her along the way.
FIONA: Ye ken, lads, perhaps A'm nae expert, bu' Ah think burglars ur supposed tae pinch people's stuff, nae people.
CARTMAN: Shut up, you Mary Sue! [looks around] Wait a minute, where's Butters?
CLYDE: I think he got lost when we were trying to get out.
CARTMAN: [sarcastically] Oh, sweet, you guys! Just great! We lost Butters and got a Sue instead!
KEVIN: We could interrogate her, dude.
CARTMAN: Hm… Good point, Kevin. [turns around and faces Fiona's house again] Don't worry, Butters, your death will not be in vain! [looks at Kevin again] For God's sake, turn that fucking light saber off…
[Fiona's house. We see Butters tied to a sofa, wearing a nervous expression on his face]
BUTTERS: Uh, please, sir, let me go! If I'm not at home in the mornin', my parents are gonna ground me!
WALTER: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, chap. [We can see him sitting opposite Butters and taking a sip of tea] You see, your friends happen to have my daughter and I need to know who sent you. So you, my little American… [spits] friend… [spits] …are going to tell me everything about it.
BUTTERS: But, uh, I don't know anythin'!
WALTER: Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now… [He seems to be stuck. Butters looks confused] …now, now, now, now, you can stop acting tough, chap. Believe me, in five-hours time you will spill the beans. I know how to make people feel pain, you see. I'm a dentist.
BUTTERS: B-but please, sir, uh, my mom is going to ground me if…
WALTER: [glares] Mum.
BUTTERS: Huh?
WALTER: Not "mom". "Mum".
BUTTERS: Uh, I don't see the difference!
WALTER: You're using the American… [spits] …spelling! I think you're doing that deliberately to insult me!
BUTTERS: [confused] Uh, but sir, how can you tell the difference? I didn't write it, I said it out loud!
WALTER: Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now… [thinks for a second] …good point. [Butters sighs in relief] So, you will tell me now whether it was Randy Marsh who sent you or I will take you to my surgery and show you my new drills…
BUTTERS: [in panic] Aw, hamburgers! P-please, sir, t-torture is forbidden in Colorado!
WALTER: [disgusted] Colorado! [spits]
You know, Walter is actually really enjoyable to write. I must do some more fics with adults as the mains… I'm not sure about Annie, though. I must write more girls, too…
Wensleydale