And the fifth chapter is up. One of my favourites, actually. Thanks a lot to all of you who decided to stay with me so far even though I haven't reviewed a lot recently. I'll make it up to you guys. For now, enjoy the show.
Oh, and South Park Aargh has a new philosophy! All of you can submit your OC's whom I won't ever use, but I'll get more reviews instead! Yay! Hooray for Wensleydale, everybody!
[Next day, the fourth grade classroom. A lot of fourth-graders are missing. Garrison comes in]
GARRISON: Okay, children, let's take our seats… Now today, we're going to learn why Harry Potter's fourth movie should be split into two parts.
[The kids groan. Garrison glares angrily]
GARRISON: Be quiet, you retards! It's high time you learned something useful! Where's the rest of you, anyway?
[Clyde raises his hand]
CLYDE: Where's Mr. Slave?
GARRISON: [annoyed] Mr. Slave was just a substitute, all right? I'm your teacher!
CLYDE: But we want Mr. Slave back!
CHILDREN: [in unison] Yeah!
GARRISON: [angrily] Well, Mr. Slave won't be back, Clyde! And you should go and live with it! [Disappointed groans from the children] Oh, what is it now? What exactly does he have that I don't?
WENDY: Well… He doesn't call us retards, for a start.
CHILDREN: [in unison] Mr. Slave! Mr. Slave! Mr. Slave! Mr. Slave! Mr. Slave!
GARRISON: What is it, some kind of a mutiny?! You can all go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
[The children quiet down. Garrison opens his eyes notices that the door is open, Principal Victioria standing beside it]
VICTORIA: [raises an eyebrow] What did you just say, Mr. Garrison?
GARRISON: Principal Victoria, it's the kids! They want to overthrow me!
VICTORIA: Mr. Garrison, in our school we do not threaten our students with death and hell! I want you in my office right away! Mr. Slave, please, take over.
[Mr. Slave comes in, stared at with astonishment by Mr. Garrison]
SLAVE: Children, Jesuth Christ! Settle down! While Mr. Garrison is away, we're gonna do thome history.
CLYDE: [excitedly] Mr. Slave is back!
[The children roar with excitement. Garrison opens his mouth with shock]
[Cartman's basement, morning. Kevin is tying Fiona up to a chair with a rope. Cartman is walking around the room in front of her in circles with his hands behind his back]
CARTMAN: Well, Feehna, you might as well come clean. Remember, you're safe hyah with me.
FIONA: [looks around] Aye. Th' fact 'at Aa'm tied tae a chair really makes me feel 'at way.
CARTMAN: Let's get to the point. Were you molested by your dad or not?
FIONA: Hm… [thinks for a second] Lend me a ten bob an' Ah micht consider answerin'.
CARTMAN: [to Kevin] Give her ten bucks, Kev.
KEVIN: What? No way!
CARTMAN: Do you want the pedofahl to get caught, or are you on his side? Are you, Kevin? Are you?
[Kevin sighs and puts ten dollars in Fiona's pocket]
CARTMAN: Okay, now tell us the truth!
FIONA: Aw reit. Nae, Ah wasnae.
KEVIN: [annoyed] You weren't? So it was all for nothing?
[Mrs. Cartman comes into the basement with a smile on her face, as usual. Cartman covers Fiona's mouth to prevent her from screaming for help]
LIANE: Snookums, mommy is going to the store. Do you want some snacks before I go?
CARTMAN: Get out of here, meeehm, I'm playin' with Kevin and Feehna!
LIANE: Okay, hon. You kids have a lovely time.
[Fiona tries to catch her attention, but fails. Liane ignores her and walks right out]
KEVIN: So now what do we do?
FIONA: Lads… Actually... Ah think Ah micht remember somethin' else. but Eh'd need anither ten bob.
CARTMAN: Kevin?
[Kevin sighs again and puts another ten dollars in Fiona's pocket]
FIONA: One time when Ah was gonnae sleep Ah remember he was actin' strange.
CARTMAN: Yes?
FIONA: One nicht Ah heard heem come intae mah room...
CARTMAN: Yes?
FIONA: He sat oan me scratcher... Ah mean me bed…
CARTMAN: Yes?
FIONA: Ain he said...
CARTMAN: [impatiently] Yes?
FIONA: He said...
CARTMAN: YES?!
FIONA: "Guid nicht, Fiona." It wuz very unlike him.
CARTMAN: THE FUCK IS THIS?! I'm gonna kill you, you Mary Sue!
[Kevin holds him down with difficulty]
[Principal Victoria's office. Garrison is sitting opposite her, his arms folded]
VICTORIA: Now I want to hear everything, Garrison! Why in God's name were you arguing with your class?!
GARRISON: I told you why! It was a mutiny! They wanted to throw me out and put my assistant in charge!
VICTIORIA: [raises an eyebrow] Did they now?
GARRISON: I'm not lying! They think he's a better teacher than I am because he doesn't insult them or shout at them, as if I did!
VICTORIA: [rolls her eyes] Wow. Where could they possibly get that idea from?
GARRISON: I know, right?!
[Slave comes in]
SLAVE: You wanted to thee me, printhipal Victoria?
VICTORIA: Ah, yes, Mr. Slave, come inside. I wanted to say that we are very impressed with your teaching skills and we would like to offer you a permanent post here at South Park Elementary.
SLAVE: [opens his mouth] Oh, Jesuth Christh, I don't know what to thay, Printhipal Victoria, it's like a dream come true!
VICTORIA: Starting from tomorrow, you'll be teaching the fourth grade students while Mr. Garrison will go back to teaching kindergarteners.
GARRISON: [shocked] What? You're giving this whore my class?! [points at Slave, who frowns]
[Meanwhile, back in Cartman's basement, Clyde and Timmy have dropped in as well]
KEVIN: Uh, Cartman? Me and Clyde have been looking at those pictures you stole… And there isn't anything that suggests Darling is a child molester. We still don't have any proof.
CLYDE: Yeah.
TIMMY: Timmeh!
CARTMAN: [laughs in a patronizing way] Kevin, Kevin, Kevin… Why do you think that matters? Why do you think I told Timmy to come with us? It's time you learnt one of the most common detective sayings: "If there's no evidence, we can create it!"
TIMMY: Tim… timmah?
[A news report intro, afternoon. A journalist is standing in front of the snowball battlefield while the two teams keep building newer structures out of snow. In the background, Tweek is trying to get to the other side, but Kyle stops him and starts shouting at him]
JOURNALIST: Tom, I'm standing right next to the no man's land between two households on Avenue des los Mexicanos, where two political activists, Randall Marsh and Walter Darling are engaging in snowball warfare! There isn't much fighting going on right now, but it seems their armies consist of children living nearby!
[Cut to the studio with Tom Pussylicker]
TOM: My god, Chris. What else do we know about the two armies?
JOURNALIST: Apparently, the war was declared yesterday, after Walter Darling started slandering the Marsh family. Now, a tall wall of snow and ice stands between the two armies, like a thin white line. We asked both leaders to give us a brief commentary on the events that took place.
[Cut to Randy being interviewed, drunk along with Jimbo and Ned. A subtitle saying "Randall Marsh, ph.D." appears]
JOURNALIST: Mr. Marsh, what do you think about the whole conflict?
RANDY: Well, I think that as long as we have enough S'mores, that bitch Darling is going down! Can't he? Huh? I thought this was America! I thought this was America!
[Cut to the journalist]
JOURNALIST: When we repeated his words to Mr. Darling, he had only this to say:
[Cut to Fiona's dad]
WALTER: America… [spits twice]
[Cut back to the journalist]
JOURNALIST: From this we might deduce that his movement might be hostile towards our country. We also asked ordinary soldiers if they had anything to add.
[Cut to Kenny]
KENNY: (We are planning to use my big balls to scare the enemy army away. After my cold, white balls hit them, they'll be quiet, you can rest assured of that. But, uh, we also know that the enemy quartermaster, Bebe Stevens, also specializes in balls, so we're a bit worried.)
[Cut to Kyle]
KYLE: What I can't stand is that everybody wants to change sides! I mean, you can't do that! It's always the same when we pick teams! There's always "Oh, but Brad's on the other team, can I go there too! That's always the problem with teams! And it might just be the beginning! Doesn't it bother you at all?!
[Cut to Stan]
STAN: They're calling it a snowball fight, and we haven't thrown a fucking snowball since the beginning!
[Cut back to the journalist]
JOURNALIST: We also discovered that Mr. Darling's daughter, Fiona has been kidnapped and that he himself is keeping one of the kidnappers, also a fourth grader, hostage.
[Cut to Butters, a subtitle saying "Futterf Ftoff, kidnapper" appears]
JOURNALIST: What were your motives when you kidnapped Fiona McTeagle?
BUTTERS: [When he opens his mouth we see large braces inside. It seems they prevent him from speaking clearly] Fafffafafffaffafafffffafphhfhfa!
[Cut back to the journalist]
JOURNALIST: Mr. Darling had nothing to add. Back to you, Tom.
[Cut to the studio]
TOM: Wait a minute, Chris, it seems the snowball war has just taken an unexpected turn of events!
[Cut back to the journalist]
JOURNALIST: Good lord, you're right, Tom! I think I can see a crowd of angry parents trying to retrieve their kids! Now, without any manpower, the war is sure to fall apart… Wait a minute, the leaders have come out. [close-up on Randy and Walter] They seem to be talking with the parents… They're not coming out… Now, the parents started making snowballs. This was indeed unexpected, Tom!
[Cut to the studio]
TOM: It was indeed, Chris.
[The scene moves to the actual battlefield. While the kids are sitting about, bored and exhausted, their parents start taking action. On Randy's side the Broflovskis and the Tuckers among others are taking over the kids]
RANDY: Gerald, you help with the walls and trenches. Sheila, go to Bebe and make more ammunition!
SHEILA: Isn't is exciting, Gerald?
GERALD: Yeah, I haven't felt like this since I was in high school!
SHARON: Randy, what is going on?
RANDY: It's the neighbors, Sharon! They're gonna help us defeat Darling!
[Suddenly, two men in gray coats appear on Randy's way]
MAN: Randy Marsh?
RANDY: Yes?
MAN: We are from the US Army. We have come to help you end the conflict quickly. May we talk in private?
RANDY: O-of course!
[The scene cuts to the Marshes' dining room. Underneath the coat, one of the men is revealed to be the four-star general from South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut]
GENERAL: Mr. Marsh, we have become very worried over the Walter Darling situation and we are proud that you decided to protect our country from this British scum.
RANDY: Oh, uh… Yeah, it's the least I could do!
GENERAL: We want to end this as soon as we can, but if we intervene, the conflict will expand on a global scale. So what we're gonna do is provide you with weapons to end this quickly. Oh, and here's my number. If the British make the first move you let me know as soon as possible!
RANDY: Whoa!
[Cartman's basement again, late afternoon. This time, Fiona's all on her own. She sees Cartman's mobile phone left on his desk and tries to hop closer with her chair. Finally, she succeeds. She tries to reach it with her hand]
FIONA: Hm... Mebbe if Ah dial th' number wi' me nose... [suddenly remembers] Ah, Ah forgot, Ah huvnae got any nose... Damn thes wretched cut-oot paper animation... [an idea springs out in her mind] Wi' me teeth!
[Somehow she manages to call one of Cartman's most recently used numbers]
FIONA: Hello?
[We cut to Kyle in the Marsh army trenches. He picks up the phone]
KYLE: What do you want, fatass?
FIONA: Kyle? Oh, thank God it's ye. Coods ye dae me a favour? Aa'm trapped in haur an' Ah need someain tae get me oot.
KYLE: Get you out? Fiona, really? Even you want to change sides? You want to fight against your father?! What the hell is wrong with you people?!
FIONA: Nae, nae, it's nae that!
KYLE: Look, forget it, okay? I'm not letting you idiots change sides even if it's the last thing I do! [hangs up]
FIONA: [to herself] Whit th' heel went wrang?
[Garrison's home, evening. Mr. Slave and Garrison are standing opposite each other in their living room]
SLAVE: I thimply can't believe you called me a whore in front of her, Jesuth Christh!
GARRISON: That's what you get for betraying me, Mr. Slave!
SLAVE: Betraying you? Aren't you going to be thupportive at all? Your boyfriend'th jutht had a great thuccesth and you're talking about thome betrayal?
GARRISON: Great success, but at my expense! Thanks to you, I'm stuck teachin' kindergarteners again! [turns away from him]
SLAVE: Mr. Garrithon, don't do this to me, Jesuth Christh! It hath been my dream to teach sinthe I dithcovered I wath good with children. Pleathe, don't thpoil it for me now!
GARRISON: [turns back to Slave] Oh, I know what your problem is, Slave! [points his index finger at him] All you think about is yourself, all the time, you, you, you! This is about me!
[Mr. Slave raises an eyebrow]
[The scene cuts to Stan and Kyle looking at the trucks unloading weapons in Stan's garden]
STAN: That doesn't look very good. Do you think we should do something to stop my dad now?
KYLE: I just can't believe it! Even the adults want to change sides now! Mr. and Mrs. Turner just asked me if I knew where their daughter was and when I told them she was on the other side, they wanted to go over there! I mean, doesn't anyone have a sense of duty nowadays?
STAN: Dude, it doesn't matter now! What about those weapons?
KYLE: Oh, fine, worry about weapons! In the meantime, leave me to make sure there's anyone here left to use them!
STAN: Kyle, we don't want anyone to use the weapons, don't you remember? We wanted to have a fucking snowball fight, just the six of us, until my dad and Fiona's dad screwed everything up! Now we need to make it right and you're the one that usually says what needs to be said. I can't do it without you.
KYLE: [looks down] …You're right, Stan, I don't know what came over me. I guess I wanted my own idea to succeed so badly that I lost control of myself… For once, I just wanted to do something else than being the fucking voice of reason…
STAN: [smiles] Welcome back, Kyle.
Only two chapters to go, along with deleted scenes. Oh, and you can probably expect Season 8 to end this year, but then there won't be a lot of updates later, probably until June... I hope to write more in advance, then. Stay tuned for the next chapter.
Wensleydale
PS: I mean it, don't turn your computers off. Seriousleh.