All right, thanks for all your reviews. And thank you for your spam, Ryback, it was quite encouraging. It'd be easier if you had an account, though, then I'd be able to reply. Though I probably should be grateful, since I'm running out of ideas what to say in these author notes. Anyway, here goes the penultimate chapter, I hope you'll like it.
WALTER: Blast!
[We see Walter, some of the parents and Kenny looking through the holes in the snow wall at the weapons Randy has been provided with]
WALTER: Machine guns, shotguns, rifles, mines, bazookas… What am I supposed to do now? Kenny's balls may not be enough now.
[Kenny cannot help but chuckle]
STEPHEN: He… won't shoot it at us, will he, Darling?
WALTER: Don't call me Darling!
MEPHESTO: We may presume that he will… Unless he finds out we have better weapons.
STEPHEN: But we don't. We have only our balls.
[Kenny laughs out loud]
WALTER: No, no, go on, Doctor. I quite like his idea. What have you got in mind?
MEPHESTO: If we were to have better weapons, or at least ones that could rival Randy's, we would be able to scare them away.
STUART: Well, I've got some friends in Denver who would gladly sell a couple of guns.
WALTER: That might not be enough.
MEPHESTO: I believe that if one of your friends provided me with adequate materials, I would be able to use the latest technology to develop… something big. [smiles]
WALTER: Then you've got my permission. [returns the smile] You two do what needs to be done. Meanwhile… Kenny? We'll have only need for half your balls from now on. Use the other half to strengthen the walls.
KENNY: (Yes, sir.) [chuckles and walks away, laughing]
WALTER: That boy's got all the makings of an idiot…
[Back in Cartman's basement, Fiona is trying to dial her home number. It's about midnight]
FIONA: …Ain six. [A moment of silence] Hello?
[We cut to Butters in Fiona's living room. He's also tied up and has turned the speaker on by some miracle]
BUTTERS: Uh, hello!
FIONA: Who is it?
BUTTERS: Uh, I'm B-butterf. Ah, Forry, Butters!
FIONA: Ah... Awrite, Butters, Aa'm Fiona.
BUTTERS: Yeah, I know. Hello!
FIONA: Butters, yer lads ur keepin' me captiff at Cartman's. D'ye think ye coods tell someain tae save me?
BUTTERS: Uh.. I… I don't think so.
FIONA: Why?
BUTTERS: 'Cause, uh, your d-dad is also holdin' me, as you said, captiff. And I've just learned how to talk with those braces on!
FIONA: Oh… Guid fer yoo.
BUTTERS: Yeah, thanks.
FIONA: Sae… How are ya?
BUTTERS: I-I'm okay. Your dad gives me food, b-but I'm afraid I'm gonna get grounded when my parents find out I kidnapped you.
FIONA: Aye… Cartman also brings me fuid, but he usually eats aw o' it in front ay me.
BUTTERS: Right…
FIONA: Sae… [unsure] Uh, if ye ever feel loch talkin', Aa'm callin' frae Cartman's number...
BUTTERS: Yeah… Bye… Have a good t-time being, uh, captiff.
FIONA: Oh aye, ye tay. [hangs up]
[We cut to Butters again. He seems stunned]
BUTTERS: …Aw, hamburgers, did I just talk to a g-girl on the phone for the second time in my life?
[Next morning, at South Park Elementary]
GARRISON: Oh, now this is just getting fucking silly!
[The kindergarten classroom. We see Mr. Garrison at his desk, currently in an outrage. Opposite him, there's just Filmore Anderson sitting on his chair]
GARRISON: What's the meaning of this, Filmore, where's the rest of your fucking class?!
FILMORE: Sally's mom took her to war.
GARRISON: What?
FILMORE: Sally's mom wanted to bang.
GARRISON: Yeah, yeah, everyone knows that Sally Bands's mother bangs everyone she sees, but why isn't she here?
FILMORE: …Cause she's too old.
GARRISON: No, not Sally's mom, I mean Sally! And Ike, and Flora and all the others! Why aren't they here?
FILMORE: [after a moment of silence] …I gotta go pee. [Tries to get up, but Garrison holds him down]
GARRISON: You will answer my question this instant, Filmore, or I'll smack you in the face!
[Grits his teeth, intimidating the little kindergartener. Filmore starts crying and urinates all over his trousers. Principal Victoria's voice can be heard from the intercom]
VICTORIA: [from the intercom, furious] Mr. Garrison, you will come to my office NOW!
GARRISON: Awh, Goddamnit!
[Principal Victoria's office again]
VICTORIA: [outraged] Mr. Garrison, the school has had enough with your behavior in this school! What in God's name possessed you to take out your anger on Filmore Anderson?!
GARRISON: You saw it for yourself, Principal Victoria! There was only one student, they all deliberately avoided lessons with me!
VICTORIA: So what?! Even if there's only one student, a teacher's purpose is to teach that student! And don't you think kids avoid you for a reason?!
GARRISON: [unsure] W-what?
VICTORIA: For Christ's sake, Mr. Garrison, you are probably the worst teacher any school could possibly have! You constantly torment your students with your outbursts of anger and personal problems, you teach them only nonsense, you insult them all the time, scare them, not to mention the fact that you have a history of sexual molestation! The only reason you haven't been fired yet is because your grandfather was my mentor, but sometimes I'm wondering if keeping you here is not insulting his memory!
GARRISON: [astonished] Principal Victoria, I…
VICTORIA: Not a word more, Garrison! I have put up with you for a long time. But not anymore. Herbert Garrison, you can consider yourself sacked! What's more, I am going to write to the Denver School Administration and request your official suspension as a teacher!
GARRISON: You can't do this! Teaching is all I know!
VICTORIA: Wrong! Television series from the nineties and sex are all you know! Get the hell out of my office!
CRAIG: They have a nuke.
RANDY: What?
[We see Craig reporting to Randy in the command tent, also known as the living room. There are six kindergarteners behind the boy in the chullo hat]
CRAIG: All the scouts saw it. They have a nuke, built by Doctor Mephesto.
KYLE: Wow, I never knew he could do such a thing.
JIMBO: What are we gonna do, Randy?
RANDY: [after a pause] Now we can't do anything. I'll call the general. [dials the number quickly] Hello? General? Hey, how are you doing… It's Randy Marsh. Randy Marsh, from South Park. Yeah, I was just wondering… Could we borrow a nuke from you? Okay, okay, calm down. Yeah, just wondering… Oh, no, I'm not going to use it, it's just that my neighbor's got one and… All right, no need to yell! I promise. Uh-huh. Great. See you tonight, then! Bye!
SHEILA: Well, what did he say, Randy?
RANDY: Oh, it's gonna be delivered by midnight.
GERALD: Oh, that's a relief.
STAN: How can that possibly be a relief?!
MR. STOLEY: Personally, I'm more worried what they're gonna try next. A Death Star?
[He grins. Nobody else reacts]
RANDY: [pinches the bridge of his nose] Stoley, goddamnit…
[South Park Community Center, about noon. A crowd has gathered inside. We see Timmy, Clyde and Kevin offering seats while Cartman prepares his PowerPoint presentation]
CARTMAN: Thank you all for coming, ladies and gentlemen. Through this presentation I'd like to warn you of a certain villain that has recently moved here to terrorize our mountain town. I 'm talking about none other than Walter Darling. [The slide shows a fairly normal picture of Walter] Some of you are probably wondering how this is possible. His first crime is, of course, not being an ordinary honest man like you and me, but being a French dick. And French people piss everyone off, don't they? Well, they piss me off, but I'm sure you feel the same way. His second, and most devious crime, is being a pedofahl.
MARVIN: This is bull-crap, young man! I've known this boy for a few years and he's a lot more reasonable than my son, Howard!
CARTMAN: That might be believable, old man, if you had a son named Howard. Yes, it seems unbelievable, yet many people we don't know may in fact be child molesters. I can and will prove that this man has had sexual relations with his daughter, which is of course quite understandable, since she is a Mary Sue and she must have such a backstory. And as I collected the evidence with my own hands…
TIMMY: Timmah!
CARTMAN: …With my trusted friends, it is our job to raise awareness. You want proof? You got it.
[The slide changes to a picture of two gay men embracing each other naked we have already seen in the episode Cripple Fight, but with Jimmy's head on it. This time, one man has got Walter's head and the other Fiona's. The crowd turns its eyes away and shrieks in unison]
CARTMAN: Yes, it is quite shocking, isn't it? Let's see how you like these.
[The crowd is shown several other photos of sexual nature. They give out some exclamations of disgust. Only Liane doesn't turn her eyes away]
LIANE: Oh, isn't that one of mine?
YATES: Enough! Just tell us where he is and we'll arrest the beast!
CARTMAN: Just follow my lead… And civilians, also come with me… You'll probably need torches or something.
[He walks out and smiles slyly]
CARTMAN: [to himself] It couldn't have been easier…
[The scene cuts to Randy, still in the living room. Stan and Kyle approach him slowly]
STAN: Dad? We need to talk.
RANDY: What is it, son?
KYLE: Mr. Marsh, me and Stan have been thinking… You need to stop the war. It's Canada all over again.
RANDY: What do you mean?
STAN: Dad, we can't do this anymore. I know at first we wanted to do some actual fighting… But there's one hell of a difference between playing at war and actually starting a war. And now you're bringing out nukes? Seriously? Don't you care what will happen to your family?
RANDY: Hey, Darling started it!
STAN: But you can end it!
KYLE: That's right! Do the right thing, Mr. Marsh. End this war.
RANDY: [Sighs. There is a pause] …Boys, I'd really like to help you, but… I just can't give it to Darling… It would be like admitting that all these years he had been right.
STAN: What?
[Sharon enters the room]
SHARON: Oh, for God's sake, Randy, so you have been putting our lives in danger just so you could win your stupid childish quarrel?
RANDY: Hey, Sharon, it was not stupid! It had a lot at stake!
SHARON: [annoyed] Then go on, why don't you tell the boys why they have been fighting all this time?
RANDY: Well… [unsure] …Yeah. It was like this, you see…
Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. I made a cliffhanger! Only one chapter to go, stay tuned, I'll probably update a week and a half from now.
Wensleydale