And now for the final chapter. I'm glad I wrote the whole thing in one go. Seven chapters, God… Thank you for sticking with me and for your constant feedback, I really appreciate it. Sorry for the delay, I hope I'll stick to schedules from now on. Saturday seems to be a good day for updating. Although this is the final chapter, keep in mind there's still the deleted scenes AND the preview for the next episode, The Prince And The Porpoise. I'll probably upload the first chapter of this episode in three weeks (all right, bought myself some time…). Anyway, enjoy the show.
[The flashback begins with a view of the bus stop 32 years ago. We see little Randy Marsh, Gerald Broflovski, Stuart McCormick and Walter Darling singing in a mimicry of the episode "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe"]
BOYS: [singing] School day, school day, teacher's golden ru...
RANDY: [looks to the left] Ah, damn it!
GERALD: What's the matter?
RANDY: My big brother's trying to follow me to school again. [Points left. We see Jimbo in his early twenties next to Randy] Jimbo, you can't go to school with me!
WALTER: Yes, go home, you bloody sodder!
JIMBO: Hey, don't call me a sodder, kid!
GERALD: What's a sodder?
RANDY: Well, I don't know... [faces Walter and points at him] and I'll bet Darling doesn't know either!
WALTER: Don't be impertinent, I know what it means!
RANDY: Well, what?
WALTER: I- I'm not going to tell you!
GERALD: What's a sodder, Stu?
STUART: [beat] …Why are you asking me this?
GERALD: [shrugs] No idea.
RANDY: Hey, you know my half-brother's going to be in the army? Check this out! Ready, Jimbo? Kick the soldier!
JIMBO: Hey, don't kick the soldier!
RANDY: Kick the soldier!
[He kicks Jimbo on the ankle. Nothing happens. He looks up, Jimbo looks right back at him and kicks Randy, sending him flying]
WALTER: Wow, that was quite a pretty sight…
JIMBO: That's it, Randy, I'm not going to school with you again. [Walks away]
[Randy comes back to the boys. Walter yawns]
GERALD: Whoa, Walter! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
WALTER: Well, yes, I always have these peculiar nightmares after I eat those biscuits before sleep, but there wasn't anything else, so…
RANDY: Wait, wait. What did you say you ate?
WALTER: Well… Biscuits. You haven't got biscuits in America? [spits] Those little round cakes with chocolate sprinkles on top. Surely you've got them here.
RANDY: Oooh, you mean cookies.
WALTER: What? [Glares at Randy]
RANDY: When you mean cookies, why don't you say cookies?
WALTER: "Cookies" is an improper word, old chap. It's… American. [spits]
RANDY: Well, we're in America, after all. [Walter spits] Why not say cookies?
WALTER: Because we created your language, that's why! It's biscuits!
RANDY: No, it's cookies!
WALTER: No, it's biscuits!
RANDY: Cookies!
WALTER: Biscuits!
RANDY: Cookies!
WALTER: Biscuits!
RANDY: COOKIES!
WALTER: BISCUITS!
RANDY: COOKIES!
WALTER: BISCUITS!
STUART: Hey, guys… Calm down…
RANDY AND WALTER: SHUT UP!
[They push Stuart on the road and suddenly a car runs over him. A fat Italian with a chef's hat waves at the boys]
ITALIAN: Buon giorno, children!
WALTER: Ah, hello, chef.
RANDY: Oh, my God! We killed Stu!
GERALD: You bastards!
[They just stare in silence for a few seconds. The Italian chef drives away]
RANDY: …Anyway, they were cookies!
WALTER: Biscuits!
RANDY: COOKIES!
WALTER: BISCUITS!
RANDY: COOKIES!
WALTER: BISCUITS!
[They go on like this until the flashback fades away]
[Back in the Marsh residence, Kyle is outraged as usual]
KYLE: I can't believe it! All this time you have been hating each other because of an argument over how to call cookies?!
STAN: …Or biscuits.
KYLE: Never mind about that! Come on, you guys, we're going to solve this thing once and for all!
STAN: Hey, wasn't that Stuart who died Kenny's d-
KYLE: No! It must've been somebody else. Now come on!
[Outside Mr. Garrison's house, late afternoon. Garrison is sitting on the pavement, crying his eyes out. Mr. Slave approaches him, hesitates, then sits beside him]
GARRISON: [sobbing] Go away, Mr. Slave. Because of you, I just got fired!
SLAVE: Jesuth Christh…
GARRISON: I mean, what am I supposed to do now? I dedicated all my life to teaching and now it turns out I suck at it! What should I do, Mr. Slave? Tell me!
SLAVE: Mr. Garrithon…
GARRISON: Can you imagine doing something you thought you would be doing your whole life until some young suck-up comes in and kicks you in the teeth?!
SLAVE: Mr. Garrithon…
GARRISON: And finally you find yourself out on the street with no job prospects and nothing to pay the mortgage with! Can you imagine that, Slave?!
SLAVE: Mr. Garrithon, I resigned.
GARRISON: And then you… [flinches] what?
SLAVE: I resigned, Mr. Garrithon.
GARRISON: Wh-why? I thought this was your dream.
SLAVE: One of my many dreamth. But you know, I learned thomething today. If you want your relationship to keep going, that meanth compromiseth. So now I'm warning you – I'm willing to give up on my dream, but that's the last compromithe I'm ever gonna make.
GARRISON: B-but wait, that still doesn't change the fact that I'm fired.
SLAVE: Oh, Jesuth Christh, I asked her to give you one more chance on your behalf. She's willing to have you back.
GARRISON: [smiles through his tears] Oh, Mr. Slave… I don't know what to say…
[They embrace shortly before being interrupted by a raging crowd, led by Darryl Weathers. The two gay men turn around to see what's going on]
CROWD: Pedophile! Child molester!
GARRISON: Hey! That's not fair! I've got this phase behind me! It's all in the past now!
DARRYL: No, not you, Garrison! The one on the news, the Englishman! He molested his daughter! He lives next to the Marshes!
GARRISON: What? He's takin' mah job!
DARRYL: [confused] That's what Ah always say!
[Mr. Garrison runs off with the crowd. Mr. Slave looks at him go, smiles, glad that his boyfriend is himself again and walks home]
[The battlefield, "no-man's-land". Kyle is seen mediating between Walter and Randy]
KYLE: Okay, so are you both prepared to lay down your arms and surrender?
BOTH: [sulking] Yes…
KENNY: [chuckles] (Will you lay down your balls, too?)
KYLE: Shut up, Kenny. And you're both fine with the American government [Walter spits] taking your weapons? And Mr. Darling, would you mind not doing that? It's starting to get really annoying.
WALTER: I can't help it. It's a reflex action. Wouldn't it be in order for the British government to take my weapons?
KYLE: Considering they were all made in the US by Am… our… manufacturers as well as Doctor Mephesto, I don't think that's an option. Are you both fine with what I just said?
BOTH: Yes.
KYLE: Then the war is officially over! [Several people clap their hands]
JASON: Yaaay, the war is over! Hooray for Jason, everyone! [no-one reacts, Jason is disappointed] Aww…
SHARON: What's that noise?
[We can hear police sirens. Suddenly, police vehicles surround the battlefield. In one of them, we see Cartman with Inspector Harrison Yates. They come out]
CARTMAN: There he is, officer! [points his finger at Walter]
KENNY: (Eric?)
YATES: Walter Darling, you are under arrest for domestic violence and pedophilia. You have the right to remain silent. [Detains the surprised Walter]
WALTER: What on earth is happening?
YATES: You sicken me, you weed! [spits at him]
WALTER: I beg your pardon?! Don't you spit at me, you American! [spits]
CARTMAN: [approaching a random girl from his class] See, Feehna? Thanks to me, you're safe from a pedofahl!
[beat]
MILLY: Ahm Milly!
[In the meantime, the rest of the crowd from the Community Center have arrived]
KYLE: Cartman! [approaches him] I knew I shouldn't have left you alone! What the hell are you doing?!
CARTMAN: I told you fags I'd get rid of him.
KYLE: This isn't the time for one of your stupidities, fatass! Release him!
RANDY: [to himself] Wait a minute! If Darling is going away… This is the best time to attack his troops! [to his army] Men! To arms!
STAN: No, dad! [blocks his way] Look, don't you see it? You can't turn a small quarrel into an all-out war! You and Fiona's dad had some issues over your vocabularies, but producing nukes doesn't seem to be a good way to solve it! And the snowball fight? We just wanted to have some fun, but the two of you made such a serious business out of it that now we want out! Not to mention the fact that your war started because you wanted us to play safely. I mean, how exactly are cannons and machine guns safe?! And just for the record, petty arguments aren't exactly good reasons to invade your neighbor. When you're neighbors with someone, you don't even have to like them. Just living in peace with them is enough unless you want a full-scale conflict. The war is over, dad. Don't start it all over again.
RANDY: You… You're right, Stan. [to Yates] Officer, stop! This man is innocent.
YATES: No, he's not. He's charged for child molestation. We have evidence.
KYLE: [glares] Cartman?
RANDY: Can I see this? [studies the photograph] Well, officer, I think you have made a mistake. This girl's head is clearly photoshopped to another man's neck. The only thing this picture proves is that Darling is gay.
WALTER: My head is also photoshopped!
YATES: Oh. I should've expected that much of a man named "Darling". Hands off me, faggot! [releases him and walks away]
RANDY: Darling… I'm sorry for being such a dick and making a big deal out of nothing. I promise I'll be a better neighbor for you from now on. [pats him on the back]
WALTER: [flinches, disgusted] Don't touch me.
STAN: [to Kyle] Whew, so everything turned out okay. Dad and Mr. Darling are going to be good neighbors, Cartman failed to do his crazy scheme again…
GARRISON: That's right, boys. I got my job back and made up with Mr. Slave…
STAN: [frowns at him] Who asked you?
KYLE: And I also learned that sometimes you have to make compromises and be flexible. Rules aren't for breaking, but can be bent to avoid conflicts.
STAN: Yeah.
CLYDE: [making his way through the crowd] What's going on? Annie, switch places, I can't see!
[Suddenly, Kyle hits him in the face hard. Clyde falls on the floor and everybody backs up from Kyle, astonished]
KYLE: [in a fit of rage] Nobody! Fucking! Switches! SIDES! UNDERSTAND?!
CARTMAN: [Examining unconscious Clyde] He's never gonna become Clyde One, that guy…
[The ending credits, accompanied by 'Allo 'Allo! theme music, roll.]
YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING:
ERIC CARTMAN
STAN MARSH
KYLE BROFLOVSKI
BUTTERS STOTCH
RANDY MARSH
WENDY TESTABURGER
JIMMY VALMER
FIONA MCTEAGLE
WALTER DARLING
PHILLIP ARGYLE
TERRANCE STOOT
HERBERT GARRISON
HUBERT SLAVE
CLYDE DONOVAN
TIMMY BURCH
KEVIN STOLEY
SHEILA BROFLOVSKI
IKE BROFLOVSKI
JIMBO KERN
NED GERBLANSKY
ESTHER STOLEY
PIP PIRRUP
CRAIG TUCKER
ANNIE FAULK
SHARON MARSH
LIANE CARTMAN
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
CHRIS SWOLLENBALLS
TOM PUSSLICKER
GERALD BROFLOVSKI
THE FOUR-STAR GENERAL
ALPHONZ MEPHESTO
STUART MCCORMICK
STEPHEN STOTCH
FILMORE ANDERSON
MR. STOLEY
MARVIN MARSH
HARRISON YATES
DARRYL WEATHERS
MILLY RACIST
And KENNY MCCORMICK
With CLYDE FROG
Written by WENSLEYDALE CHEDDAR
Edited by JOHN-SP150
Created by TREY PARKER, MATT STONE
Songs used:
South Park Title Theme by PRIMUS
'Allo 'Allo! Theme by DAVID CROFT AND ROY MOORE
Special thanks to:
JOHN-SP150
COYOTE SMITH
DOINGYOURMOM
AMANDA NOSEBRIDGEPINCH
I RUN WITH SPORKS
IHATEMARYSUES
OTHER REVIEWERS AND FELLOW WRITERS AND SP FANS FROM THE SOUTH PARK LAND FORUM
And there you have it. I've become obsessed with those title themes… Tell me all your thoughts about the fic and stay tuned for all the things I have in store for you. And another thing…
I'm thinking of starting my own SPA Zetaboards forum. Of course all reviewers are invited, while I also recommend Doingyourmom's forum, South Park Land, the same site. He will probably have more time to manage his forum and it already has some interesting threads not only about SP, but also Adventure Time, Breaking Bad and other shows. I just want some place to post my crappy work and discuss the show, run by myself. It'd be just an experiment for now. Do you think it's a good idea?
Wensleydale