This is the original ending scene for PSHN. Back in the early version the main plot was supposed to be a more serious flashback leading to a comical gold rush in South Park. Walter was supposed to have written a book about legendary gold in SP to get revenge on Randy, Stuart and Gerald who blamed him for spreading practically the same rumour thirty years ago… but I decided that wasn't silly enough for South Park, especially since that would be the third money-centered episode in SPA. Out of four.
As I said before, I still like the ending. It's sort of a paradox, if I don't write the ending first, it is usually just crappy and rushed. These two here are the only ones I actually like in my fics… Well, maybe "Fiona" wasn't that bad either. Anyway, I finally figured out how to write in a proper structure, so I'm proud of myself. *An eruption of smug follows*
[Kyle and Kenny are seen running through the excavation site, or rather through the streets of South Park, where it is now located The road is full of holes and underground tunnels and are barely accessible on foot. The two boys finally reach Randy's mining base]
KYLE: Mr. Marsh! You have to stop digging right now!
RANDY: [doesn't hear anything because he's in the middle of operating the drill] I don't know where Stan is, Kyle, go play somewhere else!
KYLE: There's not time for that now, South Park is in danger! [approaches the neighbouring hut] Mr. Darling, you have to listen! We need to stop digging now!
WALTER: Oh, I see what's going on! Randy has sent you here to hamper my movements! Typical! Well, you can tell him he can sod off and die! Keep digging, Leopold.
BUTTERS: Uh, yes sir…
KYLE: Everyone, you have to listen to me! Mr. Donovan? Mr. Valmer? Ned! Doctor Gouache! Mr. Mackey?
JIMBO: Sorry, kid, but we don't have time! There's gold out there waitin' for us! [Shoots the ground with a machine gun for some reason]
MR TESTABURGER'S VOICE: I found it!
[All the townspeople follow the voice. We see Wendy's dad in a ditch holding a golden, shiny rock in his hand triumphantly]
SKEETER: He has gold! We don't take kindly to folk who have gold 'round here!
BARKEEP: Now calm down, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin'… Hey! He's got gold! Get him!
[The excavation site becomes one giant brawl. Father Maxi is seen punching and kicking Thomas Tucker, Ned kicking Roger Donovan (who in turn is strangling Stuart McCormick) in the testicles and Walter, suddenly with an umbrella in his hand, is seen dueling Randy, armed with a shovel]
KYLE: No, listen! Goddamnit, you people are such retards!
[After a few seconds, Stan approaches the ditch]
STAN: The gold is fake.
[Everyone stops fighting. The diggers are astonished]
MR ADLER: Wh-what?
STAN: The rocks that were discovered in South Park… It's fool's gold. It's worthless.
WALTER: It can't be!
STAN: Well, it is. It's been examined by the South Park Geology Office. Maybe if you paid more attention to your job, dad, you would have known it was all for nothing.
RANDY: Wait, so we made the exactly same mistake as those adults 30 years ago? Boy, I sure am glad it didn't turn out like last time.
STAN: [annoyed] Will somebody please tell me what happened last time?!
JIMBO: Well, who the hell is responsible for this?
RANDY: I'll tell you who's responsible! Didn't someone here write a book about the legendary gold of South Park? [glares at Walter]
WALTER: Well, didn't someone else come up with an idea to spread a rumous thirty years ago?
RANDY: You know very well it was you, Darling!
WALTER: Don't you try to put the blame on me, you bloody fool!
GERALD: Oh, stop it! If you had ever listened to me, this gold thing wouldn't have happened again! It was neither Randy nor Darling!
STUART: Then who was it?
Cue Garrison and Slave scene from chapter 7. At the end, instead of admitting he's guilty, he puts all the blame on Mr. Hat. The townspeople, stupid as they are, believe him and storm Garrison's house to find the hand puppet.
[The townspeople are building a pyre to burn Mr. Hat. Kyle, Stan and Kenny follow them. Suddenly, Chef appears behind the boys]
CHEF: Hello there, children.
BOYS: Hey, Chef.
CHEF: How's it goin'?
KYLE: Okay, I guess. They're burning Mr. Hat alive for having started a rumor 30 years ago.
CHEF: Well, at least it didn't end up like last time.
STAN: [frustrated] What- …Oh, forget it…
[We can hear police sirens. Suddenly, police vehicles surround the pyre. In one of them, we see Cartman with Inspector Harrison Yates. They come out]
CARTMAN: There he is, officer! [points his finger at Walter]
KENNY: (Eric?)
YATES: Walter Darling, you are under arrest for domestic violence and pedophilia. You have the right to remain silent. [Detains the surprised Walter]
WALTER: What on earth is happening?
YATES: You sicken me, you weed! [spits at him]
WALTER: I beg your pardon?! Don't you spit at me, you American! [spits]
CARTMAN: [approaching a random girl from his class] See, Feehna? Thanks to me, you're safe from a pedofahl!
[beat]
MILLY: Ahm Milly!
KYLE: Cartman! [approaches him] I knew I shouldn't have left you alone! What the hell are you doing?!
CARTMAN: I told you fags I'd get rid of him.
KYLE: This isn't the time for one of your stupidities, fatass! Release him!
CARTMAN: We've got proof, Kahl! [shows him the photoshopped picture] Besides, there is an armored car coming to put him in jail!
KYLE: Armored car… No! [panics]
STAN: What's the matter?
KYLE: Don't you see? If anything else this heavy comes here, that Nelson guy told me the town is sure to col-
[The armored car appears. There are suddenly heavy tremors everywhere. The townspeople look around. Out of the blue, the earth starts to crack. The crowd panics. Finally, the town collapses under all its weight into the underground tunnels. Some people are unconscious, there is rubble everywhere. Stan is the first to stand up]
STAN: [putting his cap back on] Huh. So this is what happened last time.
[The townspeople slowly rise from the rubble. Kyle brushes the dust off himself angrily. He faces a large crowd]
KYLE: You see? You see what your stupidity just did? It's always the same, every single time you have to blame one another so that there is no-one to take responsibility for what they did! Don't you see it? We shouldn't blame each other because sometimes, even if we don't admit it, we are all just a little guilty. I'm not saying that in every matter we should all just put the blame on society and do nothing about it. No, what I mean is that you should all realize that you are part of the society and we shouldn't argue, but make compromises to avoid further conflicts!
[There is a moment of silence. Everyone is looking in Kyle's direction, open-mouthed. Kyle seems confused]
KYLE: What? What are you staring at me for?
STAN: Uh, Kyle, you might wanna take a look around.
[As Kyle turns around, we see a humongous stack of gold behind him]
WALTER: You've… got to be joking.
RANDY: [checks some of the gold] It's all real. It's the real thing!
GERALD: There's so much… What should we do with it?
GARRISON: You know, we could have a naked brawl among all the men in town and the winner would get all of it… [All the men glare at him] Just sayin'…
RANDY: No, you know, Gerald, your son's right! All this gold, whether fictional or real, has only been a source of quarrels for our town! Darling… I'm sorry for being such a dick and blaming you for all this. I promise I'll be a better neighbor to you from now on. [pats him on the back]
WALTER: [disgusted] Don't touch me.
RANDY: Now, let's put all the gold back to the cave where it came from!
[No response from the crowd]
STEPHEN: Yeah… Or we could use it to restore the town back to normal…
RANDY: Oh, yeah, that's also a good idea.
MAYOR: Don't bother… Status Quo will probably take care of it, anyway.
MR TESTABURGER: Hey, I've got an idea, how about we give all the gold to the poorest family in South Park?
[Sounds and nods of approval. Kenny immediately becomes interested]
KENNY: (What? Woo-hoo!)
[We cut to the Black family's villa being rebuilt and their new furniture being carried back in. The McCormicks observe the scene with disappointed faces. Token approaches Kenny and pats him on the shoulder]
TOKEN: Maybe next time, Kenny. [walks away]
[THE END]
There might be a few more deleted scenes, but next week it's the premiere of The Prince And The Porpoise. Hope you all enjoyed PSHN, thank you all for your support.
Wensleydale