CHAPTER 5

Within a few minutes Tony was lying on one of the metal autopsy tables, a roll of paper towel for a pillow. His jacket had been removed and the duct-tape field bandage he'd stuck on earlier had been ripped off. Okay, so maybe Jimmy hadn't actually ripped it off, but it had sure felt like it. With no painkillers available because, after all, this was Autopsy, Tony gritted his teeth, grabbed the edge of the steel table and managed not to scream when Jimmy cleaned out the open wound. By the time the assistant ME got around to sewing up the cut, Tony was beyond being embarrassed at the whimpering sounds he was making every time the needle punctured his skin.

Tony tried to keep track of how many stitches Jimmy gave him, but he lost count at twelve. As a way of keeping his mind off the procedure, he talked about movies. "Hey, Palmer. You ever see Playing God? 1987, David Duchovney."

"X-Files, right?"

"Yeah. Before that, his first role. He's a surgeon. Loses his license 'cause he's high on bennies. He ends up doing some doctoring for a slimy criminal and next thing you know he's got a steady job stitching up all these bad guys."

"Sounds familiar," Jimmy said with a laugh.

Tony flinched when the curved needle slid through his skin, and Jimmy apologized. Tony continued, his voice strained, "There's a girl."

"There's always a girl," Jimmy said knowingly.

"Well, this girl is Angelina Jolie. She's young and hot. After Hackers but 'fore Gia."

"Gia? Wasn't that the model who was a heroin addict? I'm not into track marks on a woman's arms." Jimmy knotted a suture and cut the thread, saying reassuringly, "I'm almost done."

"Okay. Anyway, there's a scene… you'll like this…" Tony kept talking, trying to keep his mind off the piercing pain in his side that was causing him to tremble. "The doc does emergency surgery on the floor of a really skuzzy bar. He uses stuff that's lyin' 'round. Plastic bottle, tube from a siphon, 'n' he cuts a hole in the guy's chest and plugs the tube into his lung and voila!"

"Voila," said Jimmy. "Done! Just going to clean you up and bandage it. You're going to need antibiotics so you have to promise me you'll see a doctor tomorrow? A real doctor, not one who's lost his license or anything like that."

With a sigh, Tony gave in. "Okay." He'd find one of those doc-in-a-boxes and pay with cash.

Jimmy taped a large, thick dressing over his handiwork. He grinned proudly. "Not bad for my first time."

"Hey!" Aghast, Tony opened his eyes. "I thought you said you'd done this before."

"Well, not on live people, but with animals, when I was a veterinarian technician…Are you okay to drive home? I took the bus in today so I don't have a car. I'd offer to drive yours for you, but you know how I am with a stick shift. How about I just call Gibbs…" From the way Tony glared at him, Jimmy got the message right away. "Not a good idea, huh?"

All he wanted to do was lie there but that wouldn't do. Tony said wearily, "Just get me upright." Jimmy helped Tony into a sitting position and held onto him while the wounded man recovered from the pain the movement had caused. Feeling shaky and nauseous, and in far more pain than he'd expected, Tony was glad of the strong arm wrapped around his shoulders. After a couple of minutes he recovered enough to say, "I can drive myself; nothing wrong with my right arm. I just need to keep my other arm away from my side." Tony lifted his arm away from his body and inspected the bandage that was adhered to his ribs with a liberal amount of tape. He smiled his thanks, though it didn't reach his eyes. "Good work, Palmer. You earned a merit badge. Guess I know who to come to next time."

Jimmy grinned at the compliment and set about cleaning up the sponges and medical supplies he'd used. "Let me get you some scrubs to wear, Tony. And you need a sling."

Trying to avoid looking at the copious amount of blood-soaked medical waste going in the red plastic bag at the foot of the autopsy table, Tony said wearily, "Okay."

A few minutes later Tony was dressed in fresh green scrubs, a sling supporting his injured arm, sitting up on the hard metal surface of the autopsy table. It looked like Palmer was ready to wash down the table, but Tony wasn't sure he had the energy to get up and leave. With Palmer's help, he was able to get on his borrowed NCIS field jacket but he hadn't done it up yet. Everything seemed to require a great amount of effort. He slumped dejectedly, feeling drained.

Jimmy removed his gloves, tossed them away and placed a supportive hand on Tony's shoulder. He angled his head and looked into his friend's eyes. "You know, Tony," he said softly, "You really should tell Gibbs. I mean, he's going to find out anyway."

Tony looked up, surprised at Palmer's suggestion. "No! Hell no! You know what Gibbs is like. If I tell him that I got hurt and didn't notify him right away I'll never hear the end of it. He always needs to know where we are, what we're doing." Tony rolled his eyes. "I don't appreciate the way he treats me like I'm a teenager hiding porn under the mattress. Not that there's anything wrong with having a skin mag under the mattress," he said quickly. "Gibbs has this overwhelming need to prove he's the boss, and right now it's too much. I don't…I don't need that. He didn't like it when I refused to give him a key."

Jimmy raised his eyebrows. "Did you tell him…?"

"I told him to ask you, if he wanted a key so damned much. Sorry to get you involved, Jimmy. He hasn't taken it out on you, has he?"

"Well, he's been glaring at me a lot, which is unusual because he usually ignores me. Maybe that's why he's annoyed, because he doesn't like you living at my place."

"Why would he care?" Tony was so tired he could hardly think, and wanted nothing more than to be magically whisked away and placed in his bed. "Look, I haven't had much control over any aspect of my life since Vance had sent me away on my little tour afloat. I might have liked the job a bit more if it had been my choice, but I did my best and believe me, it was like a ship of fools. Everyone came with their own kind of crazy, me included. Now I'm home, finally, no thanks to Gibbs. Or if he did anything to get me home, he took his damned time about it."

Jimmy nodded and said sympathetically, "Tony, Agent Gibbs must have had his hands tied, otherwise he'd have arranged to get you back home sooner."

"All I want is for everything to be like it used to be. Is that too much to ask?"

"Sometimes it is too much to ask," Palmer said regretfully.

Tony demanded, "Tell me this. Why did he have no trouble reinstating McCyberboy and Ziva? Why was I left out there all on my own? The Gibbs I know, the one I used to know, never would have left me on that ship! Hell, he never would have let Vance split us all up."

"I don't know, Tony, but I can't believe that Gibbs would have abandoned you. I know you don't think he'd do that either or you wouldn't be questioning it like this. Ever since you and the others were reassigned, Agent Gibbs has been difficult to deal with. More than usual. I think his hands were tied, and from what I've heard, I don't think that splitting you guys up was all Vance's idea. I mean, he does answer to a higher power."

"God?" Tony asked with a snort.

"No, SecNav."

Tony sat up straighter and looked at his friend closely. "You heard something, Jimmy?"

Jimmy shrugged. "Just whispers of things, nothing specific. Like maybe Director Vance has a lot on the line. But the thing is, now that you're back, Gibbs is being protective. Like the way he wanted your key. He watches out for you, Tony. Dr. Mallard is the same with me, except, of course, he thinks of me in a strictly paternal way. Not exactly how Gibbs thinks of you."

"Sure, he cares about me. He cares because I roll with the punches. He knows he'd have a damned hard time finding anyone to take half the crap he dishes out if I left, and he knows I'm not going anywhere…not by my own choice. Gibbs only wanted the key because he was proving a point – that my life isn't my own. I think I know that, thank you very much; I got the message loud and clear."

Tony attempted to do up his jacket with clumsy fingers but Jimmy said, "Here, let me do that," and moved Tony's hands out of the way. He spoke while he took over the task of fastening Tony's jacket over the sling. "Agent Gibbs cares about you. He really does, Tony, so don't make that face."

"Why do you keep saying he cares about me, Jimmy?"

"Because I can see that he does."

"Well he sure has a funny way of showing it," Tony groused. "Been more of a bastard the past couple of weeks than…than he was when he was after Ari. He's just not the same man, and I was only away for four months, Jimmy!" That man, the one who had grinned at him in the plaza in Cartagena, the man who, when they were in the bull pen that first night back, had clasped Tony's hand with unusual pressure, lips parted with the desire to speak before he was overwhelmed by an exuberant Abby…where was he now?

Because he was so tired his muscles trembled, Tony let Jimmy take care of him. It was a relief to be with someone with whom he didn't feel the need to pretend. Jimmy was his friend, and had been for the past couple of years, ever since Gibbs had retired to Mexico. The younger man looked up to Tony yet there was more depth to their relationship than being connected because they worked for the same agency. Palmer was somewhat naive but he'd proven himself to be a steady friend as well as a viable member of the team on more than one occasion. He was always there to lend Tony a hand or to provide a sympathetic ear, and he sometimes came up with a pretty insightful comment – if one took the time to stop and listen to what he had to say.

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God, how he'd missed Gibbs during those four long summer months his boss was on hiatus in Mexico. He'd stepped into the position of team leader, but he had watched the damned elevator every day for weeks on end, and yet Gibbs never came. Stupid, stupid of him to be so naïve, so pitifully hopeful. Just when Tony finally got it through his thick skull that the man he'd worked with and looked up to for five years was never going to return, Gibbs walked back into their lives as if he'd never been away.

They were all one big happy family again. Except they weren't – not happy, nor a family. Not really. Something wasn't right. The pieces didn't fall neatly into place like they were supposed to. Ziva and Tim were so glad to have Gibbs back that they didn't see, or maybe they didn't want to see, that their boss had changed.

Gibbs went through the motions, but every so often Tony would catch him staring at him as if he was trying to figure out if he'd missed some crucial piece of information. It was obvious that Gibbs hadn't got it all together yet and Tony wondered if he ever would. Gibbs was good at covering up though, and nobody else, except for Ducky, seemed to notice.

Then came Jenny's offer – his very own team in sunny Spain. It was the right thing at the wrong time. God, Tony had wanted it so badly his heart had pounded with excitement until the slide show playing in his mind, colorful snapshots of Andalusian cuisine, Moorish castles, searing hot sun and even hotter babes, came to a screeching halt when he thought, shit…Gibbs. No way was he going to leave Gibbs, not in his current shaky state.

Now he thought, that was a stupid move, refusing a promotion like that. Talk about killing your career just as it's revving up. He had been torn, but he'd stayed. In retrospect he never really had a choice. It was then that he finally came to grips with being hooked on Gibbs. You could call it loyalty or addiction or whatever label you found most convenient, but the bottom line was he'd never voluntarily leave Gibbs.

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Tony wondered what the hell had possessed him to come down to Autopsy in the first place? Here he was, sitting in a cold, sterile morgue with Jimmy Palmer, whose job was to assist cutting up dead people, acting as his health care provider. After a few minutes Tony had enough of listening to Jimmy waxing on about how much Gibbs cared about his people.

"…and he makes sure you eat something whenever you're working late on a case. Anyone can see he's concerned about you whenever you get hurt. More than he does with anyone else, except," Jimmy said thoughtfully, "you get hurt more than everyone else put together. Gibbs gets this look that's sort of desperate…"

"He does not!"

"How would you know?"

Tony shrugged. "I know Gibbs. You're imagining things, Palmer. Can we change the subject?"

"Fine, but I'm telling you, your boss is overly protective of you, and you just don't want to see what's right on front of your eyes."

Tony muttered sourly, "Yeah, Gibbs cares about all our asses 'cause we have to perform 100-percent in the field, or else Vance'll come down on his case. Have you noticed how grouchy Gibbs has been? Like more than usual?" Tony imitated Gibbs, saying gruffly, "Just get the job done. Stop fooling around. Leave the probie alone, DiNozzo." He delivered a slap to the back of his own head to punctuate the remark. "Course it could have something to do with his old war buddy, Senator Kiley, and his pretty wife, turning out to be cold-blooded killers." Tony understood why Gibbs had been uptight during that investigation. Must have hurt like hell for the Jedi master to admit his gut was wrong with that one. "Never take anything for granted. Rule number eight."

Jimmy finished doing up the last closure on Tony's jacket and scoffed, "You don't exactly follow all of Gibbs' rules, Tony. Personally, I'm scared of him and of the director, especially ever since they came down here and started giving me the third degree about Michelle."

Tony looked at him curiously. "I thought you stopped bonking Lee months ago."

"I did. She was using me," Palmer admitted. "Did you hear about Agent Langer? God, it was awful, him being killed, finding out he was a mole. Michelle was very upset; she'd never shot anyone before. I tried to be there for her but she's barely given me the time of day. I think she's avoiding me. It doesn't matter; I've given up on women altogether."

"Yeah, now you know she's capable of using deadly force, it can't be comfortable to go to bed with her," Tony said, only half kidding. "Anyway, Gibbs has broken half his own rules. And if I check out a girls walking by or tease my teammates, those are necessary distractions, even if they annoy Gibbs." Tony smiled smugly. "Besides, some of my best intel comes straight from the mouths of hot babes, and inventing new ways to annoy Timmy and Ziva keeps them on their toes."

That his antics irritated Gibbs was a bonus. Tony always felt a spike of satisfaction when he was able to push Gibbs' buttons, as if being able to get through to him was a game. Of course sometimes he went too far and then there were consequences. Still, that was a risk he was willing to take in order to get Gibbs' attention.

"Well, yes, you challenge him and he seems to like it. Although that's not why he keeps such a close eye on you." Jimmy smiled to himself.

"What d'ya mean?"

Jimmy looked into Tony's eyes and said, "You know…"

"I know what?"

"You know…about Gibbs. Oh…Oh, you don't know." Jimmy's smile faded.

Tony raised his eyebrows and gave a small shake of his head.

Jimmy answered Tony's silent question. "Gibbs watches you because he cares about you. It's obvious you're special to him." He raised his eyebrows meaningfully.

Tony frowned at Jimmy's implication. "I think we've already been over this."

Jimmy colored and blinked a few times. "It's because he…" He made a vague motion with his hand but Tony shook his head in response. Rolling his eyes, Jimmy said, "Because he cares about you."

"Well yeah, he's my boss," Tony replied, wondering where the conversation was going. "He feels responsible for his agents. Except he's been sort of growly since I got back."

Jimmy gave a laugh that sounded more like a snort. It clearly indicated he thought that Tony was being silly. "Yeah, right." But after Tony's expression of puzzlement began to turn into one of annoyance, Jimmy's eyebrows went up. "Oh gosh, I thought you knew, Tony. I mean…I thought you two were…Oh my."

"You thought we were what?" Tony asked with impatience brought on by the pain and from being tired enough to consider sacking out right where he was. "Spit it out, Gremlin."

"Well, I thought, that is to say, I assumed…that you two were…lovers," Jimmy said in a low voice that echoed around the still, cool air of the autopsy room.

Tony almost fell off the metal table. "What?"

"What do you mean what? The way you two act and react to each other all the time, you both seem to anticipate what the other's going to do. Plus I've seen how he looks at you," Jimmy said knowingly. "And there is nothing paternal about it."

Tony never saw that one coming. Sure, he thought of Gibbs as more than a boss. Like he said, the man was his mentor, a father figure, and a friend even if Gibbs had been remote to the point of being unfriendly the past couple of weeks since he got back. Okay, so he cared about Gibbs, cared for him in a way that was more than…than…

'Okay, back up DiNozzo, how much do you care about the man? You like him, right? A lot. Maybe you even love him in an undefined sort of way. It's okay to say you love him, like a father. No, that's not right - you hate your father. Okay maybe hate is too strong a word for how you feel about him. Anyway, Gibbs is more like a father to you than your old man could ever be; he's like a real father. Yes, you love him like a father. You've already said that. No, that's not right. Doesn't add up. Jimmy said that Gibbs thinks of you in a non-paternal way, like he…'

Tony's inner ramblings screeched to a halt. He lifted his right hand, palm out. "Wait! Wait a minute, Palmer. You're saying that Gibbs sees me as…?"

Jimmy was nodding, an amused smile on his lips. "More than a co-worker. I caught him checking out your ass once."

"No fucking way! You're crazy! You're saying that Gibbs is…? Gibbs? No way! And you think that I'm…? Hey! I don't swing that way! And neither does Gibbs." Tony head-slapped Jimmy to punctuate his comment.

"Ow! C'mon Tony, you're obviously in deep denial."

"Look, how long have you known me, Palmer? Have you ever seen me show any interest in a man? I'm a player. I love women! All those curves and breasts and soft…C'mon! You're killin' me here." Sure, Gibbs was a virile, attractive man, one who exuded strength and a nice masculine woodsy scent that made Tony picture hands caressing smooth, freshly sanded wood…Tony, struggling to catch his breath, felt a bead of sweat running down his neck. "What did you mean he looks at me?" Suddenly he wasn't feeling very good. He rubbed a hand over his face. "It's really hot in here."

Jimmy laid a strong hand on Tony's upper arm. "You're looking sort of pale. How about you lie down again?"

Tony ignored the suggestion. He stared into Jimmy's gray eyes and demanded, "Exactly how does Gibbs look at me?" Tony rubbed his hand across his sweaty forehead. Damn it, he was burning up. The room was getting dark and he was having trouble breathing. "Isn't it hot in here?"

"It's the morgue, Tony. It's freezing cold," Jimmy said with an unconcerned wave of his hand. "Are you telling me that if Gibbs put the moves on you, that you would refuse him? I know you, Tony, and you might love women and all that goes with them, but if you hooked up with Gibbs, you'd never go back to women. Believe me."

Stunned, Tony gaped at Jimmy. "What? You been sniffing formaldehyde again, Gremlin? You think I would do the wild thing with…with Gibbs? You crazy?" The image that jumped into his brain, of himself grappling with Gibbs on the floor under his upturned boat, was both shocking and intensely hot, and had Tony gasping and clutching at his chest. "Oh shit, oh shit! I think I'm…I'm having a heart attack."

There was buzzing in his ears but shaking his head didn't help to clear it. It kept getting louder. Jimmy was saying something, his voice urgent, but Tony couldn't make it out. He felt lightheaded but he had to get up and out of there before what Jimmy had said took hold, and made sense. Before it became the truth. Before he made a fool of himself and admitted he looked at Gibbs in that way. No, it wasn't like that! No way, no fucking way! "No!" Tony shouted. He jumped up off the table, the room tilted and the floor came up to smack him in the face.

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