A/N: self inflicted (kinda) graphic violence warning.

Chapter 12:
Tears

Red. Red eyes. Red wounds. Red tears... Why was I crying... Why was I crying blood...? My eyes looked so dead... No life... Like the Baltics... Ice. Russian ice... He'd destroyed the Baltics first and now he'd destroyed me...I looked straight into the mirror... But I didn't see myself. I saw the shell Russia had made of me... If I was even me anymore... I pulled off it shirt. My skin was even more pale than usual. Pale like snow... More bloody tears ran down my cheeks as I looked at the bruises. The beatings were easier now, and less frequent... I always deserved it but it still hurt...

I heard the door behind me and turned to see Russia standing in my doorway, the knife in his hand, a pleased smile on his face.

"I'm glad you understand now GDR."

I nodded. I had to do this. Russia would be kinder this way... And I was starting to believe all this communist crap I kept hearing all the time.

"It will hurt you know..." He sighed.

I bit my lip and nodded. I knew that. "I...I want to." It was only a half truth but Russia smiled, nodding to me.

I walked up closer to him.

"Turn around." I nodded, Turing so my back was to him.

"Kneel."

I obeyed. I gasped as I felt the tip of the knife touch my shoulder... "N...nyet!" I pulled away from the knife.

"You agreed to do this..."

"I know I... I... I want to do it..."

A dark grin arranged itself on the childlike face. "Really?" He whispered.

I nodded, taking the knife... I turned around again and took a deep breath... Before digging the blade into my shoulder. I screamed in pain as it tore through skin and muscle. Hot blood ran down my back and I cried. I started to move the knife but felt Russia's hand on mine.

"Other way." He smiled, guiding my hand. When I finally lifted the knife from the first cut... Only to have him guid me to the second... It hurt far more than the first as he guided my hand to saw into my own body... Then it was over. The wound burned and I could see the blood pooling around me. So much blood... I dropped the knife and looked at my hand... It was covered in my own blood up to my wrist. I turned. Russia too was coated in my blood...

"Your blood is so beautiful GDR..." Russia whispered. "I'm so glad you understand." He smiled, petting my hair with his bloodiest hand comfortingly.

I nodded in return as he left without another word.

I forced myself to stand and walked to my small bathroom and turned so I could see what I'd done.

I sighed... So I'd done it... I sobbed. I looked into the mirror at what I'd done with my own hands and sobbed. When I could see clearly again I looked at my back again, tracing the long curve with my fingers... Then the straight line... Then the horrible sawed flesh digging in at an angle.

It had been by Russia's orders and I hadn't fought it... I sighed. I'd done it. I watched the blood drop down my back...

"What have I done..." I whispered out loud touching the wound again... The shape... The hammer and sickle. I'd carved the hammer and sickle into my own back as Russia guided my hand...

I lost it. I sobbed for hours, I even threw up a few times... Next thing I knew I was hooked up to about a dozen tubes in a hospital...