Last time:

"Nah B, never been a hugging person."

"But you're hugging me."

"Yeah. But you're different."

"Good different?"

"Yeah B. Good different."

Another week went by but nothing, they couldn't go on the leads from my dreams so when Willow stood in front of me in the kitchen, clutching her coffee mug and staring with that awful guilty look of hers I finally gave in.

"Spit it out Red."

But she shook her head and stared down in the mug at the awful coffee Giles had brewed this morning. The man still didn't know how to set a proper pot of it. Ugh British men, I thought.

"Come on. I can already tell I won't like it but you never know. Tell me."

She looked up with a somber expression on her features.

"I suggested we do the spell again. But slower this time, try and work on selecting memories and learning how to control them maybe."

I sighed hard, it seemed logical after all. If I could learn how to control them I might find something useful.

"It's the last resort we want to go to but things are just.."

I smiled sadly.

"I know Will, I've been searching with you guys there just isn't much to go on."

She nodded.

"Bet you Cordy was against it huh?"

Willow chuckled darkly.

"Yeah she was, and Dawn and Buffy too. They all said I was a sadist for even thinking of putting you through that again."

I crossed the distance and stood beside her, letting my arm brush hers in reassurance.

"We all know you didn't suggest it out of spite or to purposely torture me for what I did to you guys in the past. We moved on from that Red. I know you just want to help and I admit it sounds like a very logical step to take."

She looked up at me in wonder.

"Stop looking at me like that. I know big words and proper sentences and shit. I just don't use them a lot."

Willow shook her head laughing.

"No not that although I am happily surprised by your use of general American English I meant, you agreeing to go through that again? It's weird. After what we saw I wouldn't.. You're too strong sometimes Faith. It scares me to be honest."

I looked at her questioningly.

"You're so strong you'd even look death in the face with a smile and make sure we're all okay. You don't seem afraid of anything although we all know that's not true."

I winced a bit but drank a sip from her coffee to calm my nerves.

"Yeah. That sounds about right."

She smiled at me.

"Kennedy is just like you, y'know. She looks up to you so much. I didn't think I'd ever get insight into you until I met her. Funny how she changed my life, really turned it upside down. I love her like I haven't done in a while."

"I was told Tara came back."

Willow smiled.

"She couldn't stay long, besides I think she was glad to see I'd found happiness again."

I nodded. Yeah, Tara would.

"She always liked you."

I looked at her puzzled.

"Tara. I mean, Tara always liked you."

'I always liked her too."

I jumped on top of the counter as the rest came barging through the doors.

"Oy you lot, come here for a sec."

They looked at me surprised.

"We're doing what Red said. I don't care how you feel about it, if I agree then everyone else does too. So let's get a move on, grab pen and paper. Ya never know what ya might hear or see."

And so we went about it. Red would need to perform another kind of spell now, instead of unleashing the memories I had to relive them. She warned me I would literally relive them also here in the now which meant I'd have to bear the pain physically as well as mentally. That brought up another round of heavy protests, this time even Xander was against it but Angel silenced them all. He informed them I was my choice to make as it was my life that was on the line. My say was law in this case. I nodded gratefully at him. As Willow went over the steps I agreed and she started prepping the rest. This time no one would be travelling with me so they would have to watch me and listen closely if they wanted to gather any intel on my memories. The gangs reluctantly agreed and Willow told me to lie down on the couch.

Memory after memory flashed before my eyes. I tried to control them and found that this time I had slightly more power over them. When I was faced with another memory of my stepfather (was it the fourth or the fifth?) raping me I growled out a no and shoved it away from my mind. Surprisingly so my spirit listened and I found myself sitting at a duck pond. I saw a swarm of them on the water. My feet were dangling in the cool liquid as the wind softly blew through my hair. I felt at peace here. I heard a low chuckle from beside me and I turned to look at the man I'd seen last time. He was smiling at me and tapped the tip of my nose playfully.

"Dreaming again are we kiddo?"

I just looked at him and tried to memorize his face the best could but apart from those dimples and his hair, the image was blurry.

"It's okay Faithy. I won't hold it against you. Mommy isn't here now, so she won't get mad either."

I frowned at that. It seems mom hadn't ever been any different.

"I know you're mad at her kiddo but she went through some bad stuff when she was younger. It seems she never got over it and ever since we had you it sort of, I don't know I think it just came back to her?"

He seemed to be talking to himself more than to me. Suddenly my interest was piqued by white boats racing across the rippling water. I recognized those rocks, I recognized that tavern in the distance. I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it before!

"We'll be alright kid. Once we move back to Boston we'll get a new start. You'll see. It'll be like old times again. Your mom will be glad to return home. This city wasn't for her anyways. I just liked it here I guess."

I smiled, happy at remembering yet something useful however he took my smile for something else as he cradled me against his side gently.

"Maybe we can come back here someday kiddo. You and I."

I nodded, maybe we would.

And as the image started to fade I woke up with a gasp. Was it possible to miss someone you couldn't ever recall you'd met? I looked at Angel who smiled at me so sadly I had to drop my eyes to the floor.

"Again."

I heard myself say the words and fell back on the cushions.

"Are you sure ab-"

"Again."

After performing the spell three more times though my world went black again as I felt another wave of excruciating pain hit my body. I hadn't stumbled upon another memory of my father., only those of the many stepfathers.