Hi guys, I know I have been absent for a while now and I have left my fics, including these untouched and unupdated. For that I am extremely sorry and I hope you'll all forgive me. Anyways I was planning on finishing this somtime this week but I felt like writing so here it is. It's a bit more Faith/Cordy one and more of a filler, I felt it necessary to have this out of the way and then the next one will have things speeding up (finally i know). Anywzys enjoy! R&R!

I spent the rest of the day cooped up in my room with Cordy, reading old novels that she'd brought with her when she came over with the rest of the gang. I loved how she knew me well enough to remember that I'd be going stir crazy around here when I was being kept out of the most vigorous searches and undertakings. That and since Cordelia dearest was now a witch too she would have realized the spells Willow would be using to get to my memories, would be intense and severely impact my health. And I wasn't in the best of shapes to begin with. As she cursed and muttered when she walked into the bathroom and began sorting out my medication, placing them all in neat alphabetical order and lining them up on the sink for me to take this afternoon. I'd just shrugged and tuned her incessant mumbling out before perching my reading glasses on my nose and delving into Dracula by Bram Stoker. It was a classic and even though I chased vampires for a living, hell I even became best friends with one, I couldn't help but read the book over and over.

It took my back to a few younger years of mine when I tended to hide in the library of the public school I was stuffed into or if I'd skip school, unlike what was thought of me, I would be crouched in a corner of the Boston Public Library reading. This book was one of the few classics that I had almost found in every library I went. It seemed even darker, corrupt and sinful creatures that should have belonged to fantasy were a popular feat. I turned another page fondly, by now a few hours had passed and Cordy had been walking in and out of my room frequently, sometimes with Willow in tow, as she helped them in their search for my family.

Willow still shifted her weight from one foot to another now as she stood by my bed again, clearly upset with how her friend had behaved but not quite sure how to approach the subject. I finally had enough of seeing her roll on the balls of her feet from the corner of my eye so I interrupted the silence for her as Cordy was hallway into the closet, finding some sort of ingredient or spell they hadn't tried to use yet. I sighed and took the glasses off my face, folding them an neatly placing them on the bed before dropping the book on my lap.

"Look Red, stop the shufflin' it's fucking annoying yeah?"

Her wounded doe eyes widened some more and she froze like a deer caught in headlights and I shook my head at the harsh tone I had taken with her. I wanted to ease her out of her moral dilemma not increase it dammit.

"I'm sorry that came out wrong. Jus' don't be so wound up about shit that happened this morning yeah? I know ya feel caught between two fires 'n all but trust me you ain't getting' burned over here so.. Take it easy okay? Jus' unwind or somethin'. You look damn stressed enough already. Feels like you might explode if ya keep it up."

I saw her shoulder sag and her eyes returned to a more normal size as she nodded with a sheepish smile before she sighed once more and her eyes turned to me dead serious.

"Just so you know Faith, I don't agree with what she said down there. To be honest I don't think Buffy agrees with what she said down there. I'm actually pretty confident she regrets it more than anything right now. I know you have every right to be angry at her but she is sorry I mean we can all tell. She's been even more obsessed with looking for your father than before and that's saying something."

The words caused my heart to stir again and start a small fluttering feeling that spread slowly throughout my chest. As my hands fisted themselves in the material of the duvet I found tears prickling at the corners of my eyes. The words she said still haunted me, all of them and the occurrence of this morning had only proven to me that in her eyes I would never be able to truly redeem myself. And while I'd had no hope of ever believing I could have a mature, romantic relationship with Buffy I truly did want to be good enough in her eyes to at least be called her friend. I wanted to be one of the Scooby's still but not because I wanted to fit in a group and find myself some nice people to surround myself with, I didn't want it in the naïve hope of finally having some sort of place to belong, to call home.

No, I wanted to be a Scooby in the sense where Buffy trusted me enough to include me and believe in me as much as she did the others. While others often missed that it was something so precious, so valuable to have and she gave it to them in heaps and heaps. She believed in Angel, in Willow and even Anya when they turned dark or fell victim to their inner demons but yet she had never truly given me the same chance as she had with them and for once, just once I wanted that from her as well. Call me immature, call me selfish because surely now I had people that did so? And it was the truth, I did have what they failed to give me.

But somehow the sixteen year old in me could not let it go. I could not let go of the idea that I wanted to prove myself to her, no matter how hard I tried to shake it or I was told over and over that I was enough. It always came back to Buffy. Maybe if I ever got that unshakeable belief from her just for once, I would finally be able to truly move on from the whole Sunnydale debacle. I hoped it would happen before I died, which would be happening sooner than we all wanted seeing as we were still no step closer to finding my father or any relative at all.

Cordelia had come out of the closet, I snickered slightly at my own mind for that, when Red had begun her impromptu speech. One glance upon my clenched fists had her on high alert as she answered in my place, knowing my voice would be trembling too much to not give away just how much conflict was raging around in me.

"Look Willow I don't care if she regrets it now and is trying to fix her bloody unrighteous outburst of this morning by being even more useless and demanding than usual. She crossed a big fucking line and she knows it. The deal was that you guys wouldn't open your judgmental little mouths over things you don't know crap about. She fucked up. She deserved every lashing out she got from me, Angel and the others, including some of you as well I know. But don't come here and try guilt Faith into forgiving her. She'll go down and do so in time. At least give her that. She deserves that don't you think?"

Again Willow's eyes widened at the accusation and I could see the protest she usually formed die on her lips as she took in the cold stance of Cordelia and her blank stare. Her hands perched on her hips and her shoulders squared as she frowned slightly. Ofcourse I knew Cordy, I knew her expressions too and underneath her anger and frustration there was a simmer of guilt flooding in the way she sort of seemed to hold herself, even if her poised appearance made everyone else think otherwise.

"Cordy."

She glanced at me and I could see the flicker of guilt spark just a little more before it disappeared altogether and concern washed over her pretty features.

"Faith I just don't want her pressuring you okay? If Miss Goody Two Shoes feels bad well she could always come to you herself and offer some sincere apology or twenty don't you think?"

I nodded at that. It was true, then again if she was as ashamed as Red seemed to make appear so then I did understand why she chose to stay downstairs. It slightly set my teeth on edge though and I bit on the inside of my cheek to keep my undignified scoff to myself. Who was I kidding really? As if the Buffy Summers would apologize straight off the bat at insulting me, the rogue slayer. A rather vicious and bitter part of me reared its ugly head to remind me it only took me dying in her spare room to get her willing to even discuss superficially what had gone down between us so long ago. The kiss became more and more meaningless in my head now that the day had mostly passed. It was a fluke. The realization of it sent a painful stab in between my ribs.

Willow seemed to sputter at that a little disoriented before her eyebrows rose up high and she finally managed to stuff her hands into the pockets of her colorful dress before stammering her way through the whirlwind of words I knew were on the tip of her tongue.

"But I don't, I mean she did go after you – didn't she? I mean, right after Cordy in fact she – I don't understand she came back and she looked so utterly – But why did she say she went after you? Oh god we all thought you'd just – that she tried and you'd, which was well in your right but I – Ugh."

I could see how Willow failed to come to grasp her sentences, nevermind grammar and finally as she held her breath she just shook her head in confusion and walked back out the door in utter bewilderment. It seemed she was convinced that Buffy had come after me. After the incident, but I hadn't seen her. Only Cordy had come after me right?

I turned to see a fumbling Cordy with a spell in her hand and a frown gracing her strained features. I noticed the guilt and anger pouring off of her in waves, as the inner struggle manifested itself in her stance. She refused to meet my gaze even though I knew she could feel my stare on her. I gave her all but thirty counts before I shook my head in disappointment and sighed loudly realizing that Buffy had indeed come after me, or tried to. And somehow Cordelia had managed to make me oblivious to the fact and steered me away from a probably, guilt wrecked blonde.

"Cordy, please tell me you didn't?"

Cordelia met my gaze with reluctance and swallowed hard. I felt anger rise in me at her audacity. I knew she hated Buffy, passionately so and somehow she was jealous still over the importance the blonde held in my life – undeservingly so according to her but she knew, she damn well knew that I would be hurt by it as well. Dammit I am hurt by it.

"I'm only slightly sorry because it hurt you. I know what I did hurt you. That's the only reason I feel bad."

I nodded, defeated, at her, turning my head away from her to stare at the wall paper on the other side of the bed. Dammit Cordy.

"She deserved it! You were hurt, you needed out of there and I just wanted to be the one to take you out of that situation. She still could have come up now! It's only her fucking pride that's stopping that blonde ass from tripping over her own feet up the stairs. I didn't even say anything."

I grit my teeth and bit my cheek again, forming the sentence in my head and deleting all the words that would only hurt not help the situation.

"Then what did you do?"

I put the emphasis on the 'do' since she clearly specified she didn't 'say' anything. Her obvious rage and guilt simmered a little and instead a sheepish look took over, with a smug smirk tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"She may or may not have come when we were already up the stairs and I may or may not have looked straight at her when I said the chocolate sauce thing."

It took me a few seconds before I understood her reference and then confusion settled over me.

"Wait, what? That's why she turned back around?"

I felt confused a my insides deflated at her response. There was nothing useful about her admittance. Why would this stop the blonde from coming after me? I wrung my hands together unsure of whtat it meant. Surely she wasn't too disgusted with the idea of sharing an ice-cream with someone? I shook my head in bafflement. What the hell? I raised my eyes again and found them locked on deep, sincerely concerned one. Cordelia looked a little torn as she came to sit beside me and grabbed both of my hands in hers, like she was doubting whether this was a piece of information she wanted me to know.

"Oh slayer, I know you don't understand. You're so oblivious Faye, so damn oblivious like the rest of them idiots. Well except for Dawn. She is clueless but not an idiot."

I shrugged at her, smiled at her exclusion of Dawn and tried to act nonchalant but she knew me well enough to perch herself on the bed and stay near, clearly indicating that she was – against her obvious better judgment – going to enlighten me after all.

"Faith I don't know what happened before you guys came downstairs but I do know she came up here last night. I assume she stayed since her room was empty when I passed by."

I nodded at her and felt my hands quiver a little which made her tighten her grasp a bit more.

"Yeah she, uhm, came up here and she fell asleep in my arms."

Her left eyebrow raised at that.

"Nothin' happened C. Stop lookin' at me like that. Jeesh, I think I've rubbed off to much on ya."

She chuckled a bit and started rubbing my hands together to soothe me some more.

"So let me guess, you guys just talked then?"

I blushed a little and nodded.

"Oh my god! Faith!"

I looked up flabbergasted at her exclamation and frowned when she shot me an accusing glare.

"You blushed!"

I felt another surge of heat rise to my cheeks and tried as hard as I could to avid I but it was no use so I just shrugged.

"Yeah so? Ain't no big deal."

She scoffed and pushed my hands away as she started to massage my legs, which I had to admit felt rather good, they were a bit stiff from lying in bed so much.

"Fuck that Faith. Ofcourse it is. You never blush, never. You have the mouth of a sailor, even though I have to say you've improved tremendously but still. You've seen and done so much that I just assumed there was nothing left in this world that could make you blush. Clearly I was wrong."

The hands on my legs turned firmer but I refrained from voicing it, hearing the bitterness creep back into her voice. I felt guilt wrack me all over again just like when we broke up. She loved me, she truly did but I couldn't fully give myself to her the way she needed me to. I couldn't fully open myself up romantically and I felt like I was cheating her from a chance at true happiness. Cordelia for all she was difficult and stubborn was also a softie with a big ol' pure heart of gold. But I still couldn't let some things go just yet and the chance that I ever would then, had seemed impossible. And all the fights, the frustration had caused her to become insecure about herself when she was such a strong and confident woman before we got together.

I hated what I did to her, what us trying to be together as a couple did to her – and to me. The drifting had started and the fights never ended anymore and I couldn't watch what had happened to us any longer, so I pulled the plug. It took her a month to mull it over in her head after we had split up but she realized that indeed, splitting up had been for the best. But still, that first month the bitterness had spewed from her lips and jealousy had reached unknown peaks around me. And now I could see faint traces of those feelings still lingering, being brought out by her arch nemesis almost.

"I'm sorry C."

Her eyes snapped up to meet mine and I could see the faint simmer of defiance and bitterness flow away as the color turned softer and her smile wobbled slightly as it rose on her face.

"Don't ever apologize for the way you feel slayer. Never, you hear me? I mean Blondie sure must have a lot of game if talking and some cuddling got you to blush."

She smirked as I flushed brighter red and stammered a little. Seeing her overcome those fleeting yet still sore feelings concerning our past relationship and my unrequited love for Buffy, made me brave enough to spill my dirty little secret, or what it felt like anyways.

"We kissed."

The way her mouth fell open in surprise, mimicking a goldfish almost would have been funny and so would've been the indignant squeal she emitted and the way she almost screamed as she repeated my words, if the door hadn't creaked open to reveal a stunned dark haired vampire. It was obvious he had heard my confession as his eyes widened before narrowing and I could see his shoulders squaring, almost like he was preparing for a face off. His lips curled slightly in anger and his eyes turned cold when they regarded me. I felt bile rise in my throat at his expression and my stomach hurled in protest. Well shit.

Let me know what you think?