Disclaimer: As much as I'd love to own this wonderful comic (which is ultimately owned by Andrew Hussie), I can't, and won't. But if I did, John would be a hyprocite, saying he's not homosexual but then and going and dating Dave, Karkat, or some other soul. ;)
A/n: Characters are very OOC here. But I had this stuck in my head and rushed it a bit at the end. Critique welcome. Just no flames on the pairings, please.
:o)
hOnK
John: Be infatuated with Karkat.
The heir of breath frowned slightly, his index finger poised slightly over the send button. His breath came out shakily, his bright blue eyes wavering slightly. John began to withdraw his finger, curling it towards his palm, a look of uncertainty filling his eyes. Hesitation was drawing him away from the computer, and he glanced around, trying his best not to even glance at it. "Maybe I shouldn't..." he hesitated again, swallowing nervously. His blue eyes darted towards Rose right next to him, her short cropped blonde hair almost reaching the tops of her eyebrows.
"Honestly, John. It's not going to kill you, I calculated everything and estimate that he will be very understanding and even welcome your offer." Her voice was chipper but her words held no meaning. John stared blandly at her, disbelief filling his blue eyes.
He sighed in defeat. "No, Rose. He's going to fucking kill me. But I'm not gay."
He pulled a comical disgusted look and Rose tutted, leaning back in her rolling chair next to him. She brushed some strands of hair out of her face, a cross look slightly fluttering across her face. "More accurately, you aren't necessarily a homosexual. You don't look at other people right?" She added calmly, noticing John opening his mouth to reply. "That is setting aside when Dave and you had both decided to participate in a romantic relationship to figure out what the boundaries of your friendship was before reverting back to being the best of friends." She smiled coyly at the blue-shirted lad before reassuringly putting a hand on his shoulder. "Like I was stating before, before I had to add the fact that you had a former relationship with Dave, was that you aren't necessarily a homosexual. You are perfectly straight - but that doesn't necessarily mean that you can't be attached to a certain man of your choice."
Without warning, the blonde reached across John and pressed send nonchalantly, as if expecting John to not message the bad-tempered troll at all. John stared at her dumbfounded, before glancing at his Pesterchum, uncertainty filling his gaze. Rose silently read over his shoulder, her mouth forming a straight line. Wait. Why was Rose was interested in John's love life -or more accurately his matespriteness, as it were-. Must have been spending too much time with Nepeta or some crazy shit like that, probably hanging out with the feline-like troll with Rose's budding interest in Kanaya. He didn't have time to worry about it right now. John wheeled his chair around, fingers poised on the keyboard, an odd but serious look on his face as he contemplated what to write next, while browsing nonchalantly at the text what had been sent instantaneously to the troll.
ectoBiologist (EB) began pestering carcinoGeneticist (CG)
EB: Heyyyyyyyyyy, Karkat.
Rose blinked at John, drumming her fingers on the computer desk in disapproval. "Of all the statistically common things to start off a casual conversation before boldly stating your infatuation, you go with the one that is possibly most often not used, diminishing the chances of his approval by probably by 15%." John glanced blankly at her, tried to comprehend what she had just stated. He cocked an eyebrow, opening his mouth to reply when a ping! sounded.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT, EGBERT?
John frowned to himself before reaching forward and beginning to type, seeming to momentarily forget that Rose was there.
EB: To taaaaaaalk.
CG: FUCKASS, WE **ARE** TALKING.
EB: Don't be liek that. 3
EB: *like
CG: FUCK OFF, EGBERT. I HAVE SHIT TO DO.
CG: I SHOULDN'T BE WASTING MY TIME WITH A LESSER BEING LIKE YOU.
CG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M EVEN FUCKING TALKING TO YOU, FUCKASS.
EB: It's something reeeeeeaaaaalllly important.
CG: SO FUCKING IMPORTANT YOU HAVE TO FUCKING STRETCH OUT YOUR WORDS LIKE THAT?
CG: FUCKASS.
CG: IT OBVIOUSLY ISN'T THAT IMPORTANT IF YOU CAN FUCKING DO THAT.
CG: OTHERWISE YOU WOULD HAVE ALREADY SAID IT, FUCKASS.
EB: Karkat, wait!
CG: FUCK OFF, EGBERT.
carcinoGeneticist (CG) ceased pestering ectoBiologist (EB).
John withdrew from the computer screen and frowned, feeling his black-rimmed glasses slide down the bridge of his nose before he absent-mindedly pushed it back up. He barely registered the fact that Rose was still standing beside him, with her hands on her hip and a look of disapproval on her face, shaking her head and sighing, muttering under her breath shallowly. John's fingers sped across the keyboard, a part of him unwilling to accept it.
EB: Karkat, I know we're kissmess-what'sits.
EB: Uh. Kismesisses.
EB: Or whatever it is.
EB: But this is really fucking important.
EB: And I...
EB: You have no fucking clue how hard it is to tell you this..
EB: But I..
EB: Really.
EB: Just wanted to say that..
EB: I may or may not happen to know someone who is completely and utterly flushed for you.
EB: Like, mateship flushed.
EB: Just wanted you to know.
EB: And this person I know very well.
EB: Don't want them to get hurt, you know?
EB: And I-
EB: You'rfte reakly goinh to hae me now.
EB: *you're. **really. ***going. ***hate.
EB: This person just doesn't want to come out nd say it.
EB: **and
EB: Og gog, my spelfing sucks right now.
EB: *oh. **spelling.
EB: I'm not very good at this evasive tehhnique shit.
EB: *technique
EB: Oh, fuck my spellfung.
EB: But this is really fucking important. Honestly.
EB: I can't keep evading this.
EB: Can't keep telling myself that I don't.
EB: When I truly do.
EB: I dawn't keep pawning it off om someone I know.
EB: I just need to tell you this.
EB: I am utterly and completely flushed for you.
EB: And as corny as thid sounds (like Nicolas Cage?), I can't imagine what I'd do if you didn't reincorpatattion the flushed feelings.
EB: *reincorpatated
EB: **reincorporated
EB: Fuck it.
EB: I care for you.
EB: In a not-so-kiss-whatsits way.
EB: And I can't imagine the "us" without "you" in my life.
EB: I got to go now.
ectoBiologist (EB) has ceased pestering carcinoGenetecist (CG).
He took a deep breath, and suddenly found himself wanting to cry. Was it relief? Stress? Infatuation? Oh gog, he didn't even know. Rose patted the Heir of Breath reassuringly on the shoulder, before showing a wave of startlement as John hugged her solemnly. Rose patted his head before offering a soft smile, pushing him away from her lightly before pulling him out of his chair, leaning forward towards the computer and signed John off. "If my calculations were incorrect, I'll get Dave to punch him straight in the face, alright?" She tipped his face towards her and smiled softly, tiling her head, short blonde locks reaching her one shoulder as a result. "Now let's go and get you doing something to do to keep your mind idle from the thought of Karkat, alright?"
John offered a hesitant smile before smiling, glancing away before looking back at her again before slightly tilting his head, a brief indication of a nod. Rose visibly relaxed before grinning widely and gently tugging on John's sleeve, dragging him out and through the door, already helping him plan an upcoming prank for Jade. After wandering around aimlessly, they decided on a simple solution; an ultimate prank on an unsuspecting troll.
But perhaps, maybe they shouldn't have done it.
Karkat: Be furious with John.
"WHAT THE HELL? YOU FUCKASS!" Karkat's voice rang shrilly through the room that often the trolls and humans would gather up in. John glanced at Rose through the corner of his eye, his thickly-rimmed glasses framing his eyes near-perfectly despite the fact that they were slightly askew, and that his hair was falling in unruly bundles, even a few locks falling across his glasses. John trembled like a leaf in the season they called autumn, his blue eyes wide and fearful, as he began to back up and felt his back reach the wall. His blue hood covered part of his forehead as he lowered his gaze, unwilling to glance at Karkat's seething expression.
Karkat, needless to say, was pissed. He clenched and unclenched his sharp teeth before running a hand through his ebony tresses, easily avoiding the candy-corn horns that sprouted from alongside his head. His slightly pointed ears flicked slightly, like John had seen a cat do before, before the mutant-blooded troll glanced back at him. He narrowed his red eyes, dropping his hand, which was now covered in what he simply hoped was green slime - and nothing else, and hopefully nothing pertaining to the green-blooded feline-graced troll and genetic material or blood.
His eyes were a dark yellow as he wrenched the bucket from his head, taking great offense in it. He tugged at it, withdrawing it with precision. John fell forward, his hands still gripping the string that had once attached the buckets to the door, where an unsuspecting person might just walk through and be submerged in green goop. But never, did John suspect that it would end up being Karkat that the bucket fell onto.
Of course, John knew plenty enough about trolls, taking time with learning about them, alongside Rose, seeing as they both fancied a troll themselves, and well, Dave just wasn't seeing Terezi anymore and Dave didn't really care about that sort of crap, and Jade - well, who knew what was going on inside her head? But that was besides the point; John knew more about trolls than said trolls probably would have liked. So he perfectly well knew what buckets referenced to and what the substance would remind them off, and most certainly, they would take great offense in it.
But again, John didn't expect it to be Karkat who triggered the trap.
"EGBERT, YOU SENSELESS AND IRRATIONAL DISGUSTING MISTAKE FOR A HUMAN!" Karkat spat, tugging at the bucket again to drag John forward. Seriously, John needed to let go of that string. Seriously; before he gets killed. John numbly pried his fingers open, opening his bucktoothed mouth to object, to start explaining hurriedly that it was an accident, but nothing seemed to pour out; he could only gape soundlessly at the target of his infatuation.
Karkat continued to glower at John, trying to pry the green globs out of his hair, the slight curls proving to be difficult. He grumbled before continuing to stage and glare and mutter incoherent curses at John's trembling form, looking at the blue-robed human with disgust. "I HATE YOU." As soon as the words left his lips, which was crooked up in a snarl, John took a step back and once again pressed himself to the wall, his blue eyes dangerously wide, mildly worrying the only sane part in Karkat's mind, as well as mildly curious to know if they'd pop out of his head. John's bottom lip trembled and he bit at it, trying to show no emotion, like Dave would have done. But the damage had already been done, and his face morphed into that of one of emotional distress.
John whipped around, almost smacking into the wall again in his desperate attempt to run away. He dashed off, the air seeming to pick him up off his feet and help him flit away, as he desperately wiped under his black-rimmed glasses, trying to rid himself of his tears. Karkat glanced in confusion, his anger quickly diminishing until it was only a smoldering flame. Okay, what the fu-? A fist smacked right into his face, hard enough to startle the red-blooded troll into stepping back, his hand flying to his nose.
He glared at the bleach-blonde boy who stared defiantly back, the outline of his eyes barely visible behind his shades. Dave flipped him the bird before running after John, calling out his name and trying to shout out what sounded like encouraging words. Karkat glared at Rose for an explanation while he nursed his quite-possibly-broken nose, his mutated blood dribbling down. He dabbed at it self-consciously, almost glad that only Kanaya was there, and didn't seem to care in the least, but was more worried about her girlfriend's worried expression.
"Check your trollian, you insufferable sorry excuse for a troll," she finally mumbled, not often resorting to insults, to which Karkat's eyebrows rose and a smirk danced across his lips. Wow, was she pissed or what? Rose frowned at his reaction and turned to Kanaya for reassurance, mumbling something before turning off in the direction of where John and Dave went, throwing a half-hearted glare over her shoulder at the male troll, further amusing and irritating the troll. Kanaya shook her head grimly at him, seeming to want to say something, but thought better before running after Rose.
Okay then...
Karkat mindlessly flipped open what was barely resembled what the humans called a cellphone, and popped open his trollian. What was Rose getting so worked up about, anyways? He grumbled to himself, still nursing his bleeding nose, satisfied that the bleeding had finally clotted before wiping away what remained off it, ridding himself it's existence. Oh look, ectoBiologist (John) has pestered him a while ago, after he told the human boy to screw off. But that was the only message he recieved from when he was offline and nobody else proved to be on, so it probably had something to do with the Heir or Breath.
With a grumble, he searched through the messages that John sent, his brows furrowing in what would be the equivalent for confusion and frowned, trying to understand what the Egbert kid was trying to say. Until his eyes caught the last few sentences, which made him widen his yellow-glazed eyes dramatically.
EB: I care for you.
EB: In a not-so-kiss-whatsits way.
EB: And I can't imagine the "us" without "you" in my life.
EB: I got to go now.
ectoBiologist (EB) ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist (CG).
...He was so fucked.