So I know I said that Steve had hijacked the next chapter, and I really thought he had, but then I saw a pic of Jeremy Renner walking through an airport wearing a iPod, and Loki immediately demanded the Muse write this chapter instead. Poor Steve!

Kudos to readers of the last chapter who caught RDJ's MW3 reference and those who pointed out that JR does indeed play guitar, piano, and drums (which apparently is why Clint does, too)

Let me know what you think, please, even if it's just that you're tired of this ridiculous fic. lol

Unlikely Housemates

By: Syntyche

Day Eleven: A Very Poor Selection

Loki - the demigod of mischief, insatiable trickster, and all-around diva - was restless.

Imprisonment for the Allfather's son on Asgard was not quite as dire as one might have thought; indeed, Loki's cell was most lavish compared to, say, Alcatraz, with plush rugs covering the polished floors, warm lighting that set off his rather striking features, and his very own bed and dresser set that Thor himself had moved in here from upstairs.

And the Allfather had permitted Loki to import a device he'd become quite intrigued by during his ultimately disastrous stay on Midguard: Barton had informed him that it was called a "TV." Despite Loki's overall distaste for the human race, the demigod had most unexpectedly found himself completely enraptured by the dramatic little lives portrayed during what Barton had also explained to him (with completely unnecessary scorn) was known as "reality television." If those funny, deliciously dramatic little ants were the actual personification of "real" human life on Midguard, Loki found himself extremely curious and also disappointed that he hadn't run into any of them - he had a feeling they could have exchanged a lot of fashion tips and social advice.

Click.

Click.

Click.

There was nothing on, really, and mindful of Odin's directive to limit his usage (apparently DirecTV didn't come cheap to Asgard, and was delivered on a pay-by-the-hour basis), Loki snapped off the television with a frustrated sneer. He'd already caught up with the Kardashians and witnessed with whitened knuckles the drama of those poor teen mothers struggling to survive in a world that just didn't understand. Loki could completely empathize - though he hadn't appreciated Barton's rather snotty comment that the reason the demigod was so enthralled by reality television was because Loki himself would love the attention of cameras and paparazzi following him around 24/7 (an apparent reference to hours/days Loki hadn't bothered to ask about) and it instant pseudo-celebrity it brought.

Loki sighed miserably. How he missed his little hawk! He'd tried to keep his pet, he really had, but Thor had gotten tired of his unending "Can I keep him, please? I'll feed and water him this time, brother, I swear," and had gagged him with that ridiculously unsightly device before Loki could even ask Barton if he'd like to come live in Asgard with him and be his best pet forever.

Stupid Thor.

Loki crossed his arms over his lean chest sulkily. "I'm bored," he announced to no one in particular, though at that moment as if summoned by Loki's ill will, Thor himself was let into his brother's cell, his rippling arms laden with a stack of thinly bound papers that he delivered to Loki with a proud flourish.

"I have brought you some Midguardian entertainment, brother!" he declared grandly. "Mag-a-zines!" he pronounced with a hint of pride that made the well-educated Loki cringe a little, though the smallest smile of affection crossed his face before he realized what he was doing and hastily replaced it with a sneer. "I am sure you will enjoy these," Thor added mightily (because everything Thor did was done mightily, usually with majesty or power attached, and often with some variation of thunder. It's just who he was, sort of like how everything Loki did was done softly, purringly, and with great amusement.)

"I can't thank you enough for your troubles, dear brother," Loki purred softly, with great amusement. "Your unending thoughtfulness during my time of confinement is so very much appreciated."

Thor smiled blindingly and Loki had to squint if he wanted to keep looking at his brother; he really should have realized as soon as he was old enough to reason that he was clearly not from this family. It almost made him want to face palm, if the motion weren't so undignified.

"You're most welcome, brother!" he cheered powerfully, barely managing to cross his arms over his broad chest since his biceps unfailingly got in the way.

"Yes, well, I was wondering, brother … " Loki began sweetly, and Thor's smile faded immediately to be replaced by a ponderous and storm cloud-like frown.

"NO PETS!" Thor thundered powerfully. "I have already told you!"

"Fine!" Loki snapped, turning away to face the wall and resolutely ignoring Thor until the god of thunder stomped his way up the stairs with a swish of his retractable cape. Once he was sure Thor was gone, Loki idly snaked out a long-fingered hand to snatch the pile of magazines…

… and was immediately faced with an extremely smug-looking Tony Stark's grinning face.

"How repulsive," Loki muttered, pulling out his slim yet retro-style reading glasses to peer at the cover: "GQ" was the magazine, and the read was, "Why You'll Never Be a Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist Like Me, By Tony Stark - With Love."

Loki tossed that aside to reveal Thor's next selection: a well-thumbed through "Guns and Ammo" featuring Loki's very own little mewling quim Natasha Romanoff on the cover, her perky bosom caught mid-heave. "How delightful," Loki muttered, but not without some affection as he moved on.

"Men's Health," slightly worn, featuring a well-chiseled but somehow still shy and touchable Captain America, his perfect smile illuminating the cover's dark space better than any lighting job could hope to.

"Cellist's Weekly," featuring an exclusive interview with a cellist in Portland who claimed to be involved in a whirlwind romance with "the spy who loved me!"

"Popular Science," untouched by Thor, with an extremely uncomfortable-looking Bruce Banner on the cover. Clearly he had expected to discuss something science-y with the journalist who'd interviewed him (not an unreasonable assumption based on the magazine title); however the body of the article was four pages of Banner deflecting questions about the Hulk.

"Archery" magazine, also unopened, with his little hawk on the cover - that one, Loki tucked under his pink bed ruffle where Thor wouldn't find it when he came to claim his treasures back.

Loki also found no less than ten bodybuilding magazines with Thor on the cover, posing in various stages of flexing (there was also one "Playgirl" that Loki was certain his brother hadn't intended to include, since Thor was only wearing his extremely conveniently placed cape.)

And finally, at the bottom of the pile, "US Weekly," and Loki's green eyes brightened as he recognized familiar faces on the cover.

"Kardashians," he sighed lovingly, eagerly flipping through the pages. Unfortunately the very first spread his eyes fell on was "Stars! They're Just Like Us: the Avengers Assemble Edition!" Loki frowned heavily, but curiosity compelled him to read on to see what those damn Avengers did that made them just like everyone else.

Apparently:

"They forget their wallets!" - Black Widow, her flashing eyes rolled in annoyance as she patted down her skintight catsuit while standing in line at Starbucks.

"They have bad hair days!" - Banner, apparently just de-Hulked judging by the state of his undress (unless part of his mutation was just that he now had strangely blurry nether regions), sporting a case of bedhead that made Loki cackle in delight and run a hand through his own dark, perfect locks.

"They do shots!" - Stark, at some fancy bar, a blurry Thor and Barton behind him, egging him on.

"They listen to music!" And there was his little hawk again, ear buds firmly tucked in his ears, giving the camera a small, slightly awkward grin as he strode through an airport.

And "They pick up their dry cleaning!" Rogers, blushing prettily at the attention as he exited a dry-cleaners with a plastic garment bag draped over his shoulder, the Captain America suit clearly visible within.

In the very bottom corner was an inset: "They're NOT Like Us!" with a picture of Thor swinging Mjolner grandly that said "They wear capes!"

Loki tossed aside all the magazines with a huff (all except the US Weekly, because he yet to read about the Kardashians, plus he was going to cut out the little picture of Barton to add to his Christmas list), groaning at the unfairness of it all. He should be the object of swooning adoration! He should be on the cover of magazines and coyly brushing aside paparazzi! He should be the one with cameras trained on him 24/7!

24/7 …

Hmmm. Perhaps another visit to Midguard was in order. After all, if the Midguardian public could find entertainment enjoyment in the brainless antics of the young adults from New Jersey, why wouldn'tthey fall over themselves for a peek behind the superhero front of the Avengers, brought to their adoring eyes by Executive Producer Loki Laufeyson?

It was perfect.

And Loki knew just the Midguardian-loving brother to help him get there.

OoOoOoOoOo

I haven't decided yet if Loki should be successful in his bid for an Avengers reality TV show, but it's a funny thought anyway… XD