So, I am amazed with all the responses! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I absolutely loved the encouraging words. And thanks to everyone who favorited/followed this story! Disclaimer stuff... Don't own BTR... I think we already knew that, though. But my dreams shall never fail, so I shall own them one day!
After about a month of James not letting us touch him, I got a little fed up. I knew he was scared about something, and I knew I needed to be there for him, but it was getting a little ridiculous. He didn't have a pattern - I could never tell which days he was going to be touchy-feely, or when he would freak out if you touched him. Finally one day, I got an idea. James was sitting on the couch, watching a hockey game while Logan, Carlos and I all stood in the kitchen talking quietly. "I have an idea." I said slowly. Logan and Carlos gave each other a worried look, then looked back at me. "What's your idea?" Logan asked hesitantly. "Well, I'm just going to try it out and hope it doesn't all blow up in my face." I didn't want to tell them because I knew if I did, they wouldn't let me try it out, and I needed to know what would happen. It was one of the days where we weren't allowed to touch James. So, I sat down next to him, and he looked at me with dull and lifeless eyes. "What?" Very slowly, very gently, I reached up and touched his cheek once, then let my hand drop down. There it was - life was coming back in his eyes, only if for a brief moment. His eyes filled up with tears as he whispered, "Kendall." I knew I had done the right thing when he grabbed my hand and put it back up to his face. "I'm right here, love." I whispered back, gently caressing his cheek with my hand.
After that day, James had three kinds of 'moods' which made it all the more confusing. There were the days he couldn't get enough of the touchy-feely stuff and would never leave my sides, the days where I had to initiate the touch, and the days where he didn't want to be touched at all. The last two were the most confusing to me. How was I supposed to know if he wanted me to initiate the touch or not if he didn't tell me? He always acted like he didn't want me to touch him- how was i supposed to know when he was faking and when he wasn't? One day I guessed he wanted me to initiate the touch... I guessed wrong. James completely blew a fuse on me, and started cussing me out. Even though I knew he didn't mean it, tears still filled up in my eyes and I was hurt. Back when I was younger, my dad had this bad drinking problem, and whenever he'd drink and my mom wasn't home, he'd come home start swearing at me, then he would beat me. Badly. An involuntary shudder traveled up my spine while James was swearing at me, but he didn't know why. I had never told the guys that. I was the leader, I couldn't be vulnerable in any way. That meant they couldn't know how much swearing got to me. It always brought me back to that day. Finally, when James was done, I whispered out, "James, I'm sorry. I'm trying my hardest, I really am! We all are! But I can't tell when you want me to touch you and when you don't. You need to help me out here!" James face dropped, and he had an ashamed look on his face like he thought he was in trouble. I cupped my face in his hands, forcing him to look at me, even though he didn't want to. "And you're not in trouble, and I'm not mad. I just want to help you, I want to give you what you need. But you need to help me out at least a little bit, and somehow let me know what you want. Okay?" He nodded his head, and I quickly backed away from him, not wanting him to freak out again.
That night I woke up because of James again, but this time he was being pretty quiet. He was crying, but not very hard, and instead of saying "Kendall, don't let it hurt me.." or anything like that, he was saying, "I have to get to him. I have to." As I looked down at him and gently wiped his tears away, I wondered who 'he' was, and why he had to get to him so urgently. But because he quickly simmered down, and became quiet again, I just went back to sleep, my hand on his back. The next morning when I woke up, James wasn't by my side. "James... James?" I asked sleepily, then came out into the living room. "James?" That's when Logan appeared, his brown eyes worried. "Uh, Kendall... James is gone."
Ooh, where did James go? Sorry to keep you in suspense again about what's wrong with him... I kinda like cliffhangers a little bit.(; Keep reviewing, let me know what you think!