Selfishness

Pairing: Haruka Tenou and Michiru Kaiou

Summary: "You're an idiot, Michi." "I know."- the confrontation after Marine Cathedral (or the lack thereof).

AN: I'm not exactly very proud of this- it turned out quite differently from what I expected. I was thinking along the lines of angry snarling and hollering and yelling and then making up, but I guess that they wouldn't have really done that? I just think that they don't really want to talk about their innermost feelings, because Haruka's all distant and mysterious, while Michiru's afraid- of the duty, the commitment, and of Haruka's reaction to knowing that Michiru really loves her. Sigh I don't think it ended very well? Perhaps more screaming would have done the trick.

Disclaimer: nope I don't I can't even draw like whut okay Sailor Moon is nOT MINE :D

Enjoy!

We do not talk.

There is nothing left to be said- not after today.

I used to think that we were alright with not speaking, not voicing out our thoughts, because we knew each other so well. Every move was synchronized. We were bound by the red strings of fate and the duty from our past lives- two vastly different personalities came to be one. It sounds cheesy. It sounds terribly cheesy- like your hideous yellow bow and the gem on my green choker. It sounds as cheesy as Sailor Moon, who turned out to be the princess we were supposed to serve.

It sounds as cheesy as the promise we made.

But now, it feels as though the weight of the world rests upon every single word- as though anything we said could be used against us- in the courts of afterlife and of Anubis, the god of death. As though uttering out a single word would make it irretrievable, resolute, and eternal.

I am tired of eternity.

I am tired of fighting- the battles that come one after the other and the useless promises that I force you to make.

I am tired of this new world that will come once all chaos is defeated.

I am defeated.

The sea is stagnant. It will not move until the world is threatened, or until it is pressured into moving. You run, while I can only sit and wait- precisely because this is what I am. (I forget to note that I am tired- of the dilemma that sends my brain whirling into an undersea hurricane. The dilemma of Michiru and Neptune; of Haruka and Uranus.)

The trees blur into a constant shade of green as we speed past them. I am weighing you down, aren't I, Haruka? It never feels like running when I- this big bulky mass of emotions and femininity- am right beside you. And it definitely can't feel like running, right now, when I'm the person you're trying to run from.

(That's what you always do, Haruka- you run and leave me to pick up the pieces.)

"Why," you grit out.

You are clearly frustrated. I don't think I could do anything to calm that down.

"Why?" you ask again- in a muted voice.

You're trying to block your emotions out, but your white knuckles are traitors.

"Why what?" I finally say, glancing out the window.

The nightlife- the skyscrapers, the dim glow of the streetlights and colourful stall vendors blur past us. It creates quite a mural- a blur of colours coming to form something quite impressively… insignificant. Is this what you do, Haruka? Is this how you feel like when you run? That nothing- nothing but the roaring fury inside of your heart matters?

"Why. Did. You. Break. Our. Promise." The staccato is not suiting to your husky voice, Haruka.

I have no answers to this question. "I didn't."

"You did."

"I had a talisman inside of me. I extracted it. The end."

You are silent. The anger still radiates off you in waves. I would like to say something coy and aim innuendoes at you- I would like you to stop being so angry, because technically, there is nothing to be angry about. My actions were rightly justified as part of the duty. There is nothing more. There cannot be anything more.

"You shoved me out of the way." Are you going to list out my heroics? Because honestly, Haruka, I didn't do them because I was a sailor soldier of love and justice, nor did I do that because I was so self-righteous.

"I did."

"That thing was coming for me. You didn't have to-"

I can see the familiar bend that leads to our apartment. "The promise states that we would only abandon the other if she fell. You hadn't fallen. I was preventing something, not administering damage control."

The car jerks to a stop. "You know what I'm talking about, Michiru."

I hate it when you call me that- it almost, almost makes me feel special. I realise that I will have to deal with the bruises on my back- and sigh internally. It's not like I haven't done this before- I've fought for a whole year all by myself- it's just that, I don't want to be alone again. The sea will have to live on so dully without the wind- it's a simple game of being ignorant and having something snatched away from you.

You help me up to your apartment. You dig for a first-aid kit, which I take, and retreat to the safety of the bathroom. I do not dare to come out, not even after the healing cream has dried up. I'm not sure how long more I can keep this façade up. I'm not sure how long it will be before I have to announce that I love you too much to watch you die.

I am tired of the restrictions that the duty brings.

I am tired of the restrictions that I bring to myself- the same ones which you agreed to.

I brace myself for the metaphorical bullets that you will unleash upon me, and exit the bathroom. You are waiting. I place the first-aid kit on the table, and move towards the door.

"We should rest for the night," I say, perhaps a little too soon.

For a moment, I find myself wishing you would stop me. But you don't, and so I leave.

The morning after, you don't answer your doorbell.

Noon arrives, and you are still nowhere to be seen.

Evening is painfully humiliating when the local café's waitress notices that you're not with me.

Night comes, and I decide to go to the beach. You are not there.

You are still missing for the rest of the third day.

Three days have passed. I'm still not sure if I want to find you.

I play on the violin more frequently- like what I used to do, before I met you. I think I am gaining some sense of normalcy back, no matter how miniscule the degree of sanity is. I will not cry, because there is no sense in something as vague as our partnership. I will not talk to the wind even if it sings and howls for me.

Usagi and her friends came to look for us. Usagi told me to find you- a silly and idealistic plan. I know that you don't want to be found- not by me, at the very least. Perhaps the Messiah, but not me. I tried to let Usagi off gently, but she persisted and gave me her long, and quite useless speech on how love is so important.

I've come to acknowledge that I am in love with you.

Even if it's what that got us stuck in this predicament in the first place.

Three in the morning, and you come banging on my door. I let you in, only to realise that you are drunk. I try to shut the door on you as soon as I notice the odor on you. You push the door in, and invite yourself into my apartment.

"You are so, so stupid, Michiru Kaiou."

"I know."

"Why didn't you just tell me that you love me?"

"I don't know."

"You're an idiot, Michiru."

"I know." My responses were turning pretty mechanical.

"Why do you know everything except the most important?" You are cute when you're drunk.

"I don't know."

"Tha-at's right. You don't know anything- you could have gone forever and I followed you. I followed you. Why did I follow you?" Your breath stinks, but I don't mind the way you blow air kisses at my neck.

"I don't know." I loosen your tie- and wonder how it would feel like in a different context.

"You're an idiot, Michi." You grab my hand and wave it in front of my face.

"I know."

"I miss you, Michi- why didn't you come find me?"

"I don't know-" and then- "-I missed you too."

You collapse onto the sofa almost immediately.

I stay awake by your side, because I cannot sleep- and because I want to watch you sleep, as the most precious (and final) memory I will have of us; in the living room, peacefully and at ease- instead of hollering half-hearted insults at each other.

At some point- probably five in the morning- I tried to imagine that you weren't sleeping serenely, but dead. I couldn't help but stuff my fist into my mouth and try not to wake you up as the tremors overtook me.

"Ugh. Hangover." Those were the first two words you groaned out to me, as I made sunny-side-ups for brunch.

You proceeded to go to the toilet, and I busied myself with a cup of tea. When you returned, you looked a little less horrible- but still horrible. For a moment, I thought that we could be like any other couple (except that 1. my feelings were probably unrequited 2. we have a duty to our princess 3. we are not a couple), and this little morning scene cheered me up a little. I got you a cup of water, which you refused to drink- and despite my insistence, went to get a mug of coffee.

"You still haven't told me why."

At this point, I come up with many, many sentences that I could say:

1. I've already told you.

2. I love you.

3. I think I'm in love with you.

4. I'm selfish- that's why I took the blow and everything for you just so that I could die before you. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough- but then again, hey, at least we're done with the mission that we've been so obsessed with.

5. You're still drunk.

But I chose to simply shrug and grab you by the tie. "Do you really need me to tell you why?"

omake:

But I chose to simply shrug. "Do you really need me to tell you why?"

You nod slowly, and take another gulp of the bitter liquid. "I suppose it would make things easier for the both of us, Michiru."

"Then promise me that you'll listen to me, Haruka." You raise an eyebrow suspiciously at that, and I chuckle. "You should know that you're my only friend. The only one that I consider to be worthy of the status. It probably sounds stupid, but I'm going to spell it out that I am in love with you. I can't bear to see your dead and withering corpse in front of me, and hence my little heroic act. I apologise for the inconvenience that it has brought you. As for the promise, I hadn't broken it- not technically."

"I still hate you for that."

"Mmm, that's nice. Hate is a passionate feeling."

"Are you flirting with me, Michiru?"

"Perhaps."

Reviews will be greatly appreciated! :D