"So here you are now, nowhere to turn
It's just the same old yesterday
And you made a promise to yourself
That you were never gonna be this way
And the only thing that you've ever known is to run
So you keep on driving faster into the sun."
Keith Urban
Chapter Four
Maybe he's not here, Bella thought to herself hopefully, waving good-bye to Angela as the car gave off a farewell honk. Maybe he decided to go home and take the day off. Cowhands are allowed to have days off, right?
As Bella started the long walk down the driveway towards the house, she thought about what she would say to Jasper when he confronted her. If he confronted her.
I'll run away, Bella thought instantly, but her inner voice thought differently.
Coward, it accused her.
Okay, so, maybe not.
I'll call him a baby for being so damn sensitive about it.
Well, that would simply make her sound like a bitch.
But wasn't she? What she had done this afternoon probably made her one, and in thinking that Bella felt even worse.
Okay, how about I just tell him the truth?
It may not be the easiest thing to do, but it was the best scenario. And more than anything, Jasper deserved the truth.
I can't believe I just said that, Bella thought with a groan, knowing exactly what was going on.
She was starting to like him.
"No, no, no!" Bella exclaimed, kicking the ground with her shoe and stirring a cloud of dust. "This can't be happening," she muttered, glancing up and blinking in surprise when she saw Bear sitting near the porch steps, gazing at her with his tongue, of course, lolling out of his mouth.
"What are you staring at?" Bella shot at him.
Letting out a soft whine, the black and white malamute laid down and placed his monstrous head on his two front paws, continuing to stare at her with his black beady eyes.
Sighing, Bella dropped her book bag on the ground next to the puppy and headed towards the barn. What am I doing? Bella chided herself, glaring down at her feet. Traitors. Her head was screaming at her to go back, but her heart obviously had a different plan.
Bella had a feeling that she wasn't going to like it.
Her eyes widened when she saw a familiar pair of tan, rough-looking hands mucking out a pile of hay.
Nope, she did not like this plan one bit.
"Don't have to find your own way out
You gotta voice, let it be heard
Just when it feels you're on a dead end road
There's always somewhere left to turn."
I feel like I'm about to be sent to the guillotine.
Inhaling a deep breath, Bella took the last couple of steps towards Jasper and then froze when he lifted his head to glance up at her.
"Um, hi," Bella murmured, glancing back down at her feet.
They stood in silence for an entire minute. Bella could feel Jasper's stern, penetrating gaze on her the whole time and if that wasn't already over-whelming enough, she had absolutely no idea what to say.
Finally, he spoke, and what he said made her eyes cloud with guilt.
"So, are you going to explain why you ditched me today or am I gonna have to guess?"
At last Bella forced herself to look up, but suddenly wished she hadn't because what she saw on Jasper's face wasn't pretty.
He looked hurt. But more than hurt he looked…disappointed, and the disappointment in her showed clearly in his deep amber eyes.
I didn't mean to! Bella wanted to shout, but instead she bit down softly on her bottom lip and gulped.
"I…I'm sorry," she whispered.
"Sorry doesn't cut it," Jasper said quietly. "I'm asking for an explanation as to why you pointlessly embarrassed me this afternoon. It's not often that I get treated that way, and for no reason."
"I d-didn't mean to…I was just…trying to avoid something," Bella finished with a grimace, sparing a glance up at his face.
His angry expression gave her no mercy. "You mean, you were trying to avoid me?"
"No!" Bella exclaimed quickly, shaking her head. "No, that's not it."
"Then what?" Jasper questioned, beginning to sound impatient. "What were you possibly avoiding that made you treat me like that?"
"Jessica," Bella blurted out finally, her cheeks flaming with color. "She…she was planning on asking you out after school and I didn't want to stand there like an idiot while you two flirted with each other. And plus, I can find my own way back home. I don't need one of my daddy's employees chauffeuring me around all the time. I do have some dignity, you know."
There, she had said it. Letting out a soft sigh of relief, Bella waited for Jasper's reaction, having no idea at the moment what it would be. People were so damn unpredictable.
Closing her eyes, she waited for him to say something. Thankfully, she didn't have to wait long.
"Jessica?" he repeated in astonishment, no trace of anger left in his tone. Instead, he sounded completely bewildered. "You were avoiding me because of Jessica?"
Bella nodded, her eyes still shut tightly to avoid the punishing look on Jasper's face.
However, a chuckle made her open them and stare at the handsome cowboy in shock. He was nearly doubled over with laughter, his face hidden by the top of his cowboy hat. Scowling, Bella crossed her arms and stuck up her chin.
"Excuse me, but what's so funny?"
Shaking his head, Jasper finally ceased his laughing only to give her a wide grin. "I can't believe you think I like Jessica."
Bella shrugged, looking slightly embarrassed. "I don't know…she's pretty? And nice…"
"Well, for your information, she did ask me. And I said no," Jasper murmured, gazing softly into Bella's eyes. "Bella, you could have just warned me about her instead of treating me like…I don't know…a freak. I would've understood."
"How was I to know that you didn't like her though?" Bella said defensively, narrowing her eyes. "I barely know you."
"Yeah? No wonder. For the past few days you've been putting off every chance that I've given you. Is it me, or do you just not like having friends?" Jasper stared at her intently, wanting answers that Bella knew she couldn't give.
"Maybe I don't need them," Bella snapped, glaring sharply at him. "Ever thought of that?"
Jasper's piercing golden eyes softened and as he continued to gaze at her he murmured gently, "Everybody needs somebody sometimes…"
"So don't give up now
You're so close to a brand new day
Yes, you are and if you just can't bear to be alone
I'll stay
Bella snorted, "Yeah? Well I don't. So just give up, all right? Quit while you're ahead."
Before he had a chance to respond Bella ran inside the barn and towards Lucky's stall. When she looked inside she saw the little foal standing there, his ears pricked forward as if he had been expecting her all along. Blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall, she unlatched the gate and stepped inside.
Sliding down against the wall, Bella sat down on a pile of straw and wrapped her arms around her drawn up knees, feeling several tears fall from her eyes. Lucky let out a soft whinny and stared at her curiously, taking a step forward to sniff her hair.
"Oh Lucky," Bella whispered, lifting her head and letting it fall against his shoulder. "I can't help but to push him away…if I become his friend, I'll only hurt him more in the long run. He doesn't know anything about what I've been through…and I can't explain it to him. I don't want to think about it…I never want to think about it again. He won't understand that. No one would."
More tears fell from her cheeks as Lucky reached out with his muzzle and started to nibble softly on her hair. Throwing her arms around the horse's neck, she drew him closer in a desperate attempt to be comforted. "I knew you would understand," she whispered softly to the foal.
"And I could too…if you'd let me," came Jasper's voice.
'Well, maybe I've been too caught up to see
What you've been going through and all that I can say is,'
Letting out a gasp, Bella opened her eyes and turned her head to see Jasper standing outside the stall, staring in at her sympathetically.
He held up a hand and said, "Look, before you say anything…let me say first that I'm sorry for whatever you've been through. Even without knowing, I can tell you're still in a considerable amount of pain and I want to do my best to help. You can scream, yell, throw any insult at me that you want, but no matter what I will not give up. You're special, Bella. I knew that the moment I met you."
Bella opened her mouth, closed it, and then opened it again without uttering a sound. Speechless, she stared at him for several moments, trying to comprehend the words that had just spilled from the cowboy's mouth. Were they really all true? Could she honestly trust him to understand? No, her head told her. Don't listen to a word of it…you don't even know this guy.
What has he ever done but be nice to you? Her heart cried out in defense. Listen to him…he means what he's saying. He wants to help you…so let him.
"Why do you want to help me?" Bella whispered, glancing up at him with tear-filled eyes.
Stepping inside the stall, Jasper crouched down in front of her and lifted her chin gently with his thumb. Gazing intently into her eyes he whispered, "Because when I see somebody in pain, I'm not the kind of person who is able to just walk away. I have to do something about it."
"Like what?" Another tear slid down her cheek, and Jasper quickly brushed it away.
"Well, first off, I'm going to make you smile," Jasper murmured, staring so deeply into Bella's eyes that she could've sworn he saw every little thing that she had been trying to hide from him all this time. "And then, once that is accomplished, I'm going to work my way through getting rid of all that pain that's been eating you alive."
Good luck, Bella thought, letting out a snort.
"Close," Jasper observed thoughtfully. "But you gotta turn up the corners of your lips a little bit more."
Bella scowled. "I know how to smile." Idiot.
"That's hard to believe, considering you never do it," Jasper argued with a frown.
"Ever thought that I'm just not in the mood to?" Bella pointed out with a raise of her eyebrow. "Ever thought that maybe, just maybe, I don't want to?"
"Well you should want to," Jasper murmured, reaching up and brushing a strand of her hair away from her eyes. "Because when you do, the sun's blinding rays pale in comparison."
Rolling her eyes, Bella slapped his hand away. "Cheesy, much? And please don't tell me you plan to seduce me as well."
"Oh, trust me," Jasper said with a mysterious grin, standing up slowly. "Whenever I plan to seduce you…if I ever plan to seduce you…you will know."
Bella's eyes widened. "Excuse me?"
Jasper smiled, "Never mind. Just remember, I'm not giving up…because whether you know it now or not, you're worth more than you think. So do me a favor…look in the mirror and smile," he winked, "then you'll know what I'm talking about."
Giving Lucky one last pat Jasper walked out of the stall, leaving a very stunned Bella behind to ponder what had been said.
'So do me a favor…look in the mirror and smile. You're worth more than you think.'
Bella contemplated this for a couple minutes, sitting there in a pile of straw with Lucky as her only company, and then sat up, giving the little foal a big kiss on his muzzle.
"Well, Lucky, what do you think? Should I give him a chance?"
Throwing up his head, Lucky let out a loud nicker, the black strands of his tail swishing from side to side. Bella smiled, and in realizing it, touched the tips of her fingers to her mouth.
"So, Lucky, do the sun's blinding rays pale in comparison to my smile?"
Lucky snorted and lowered his head to sniff at the hay scattered across the floor.
"Yeah, that's what I thought. What a load of crap, huh?" Stepping forward, Bella patted his head affectionately and then left the stall, a wistful sigh escaping her lips.
Walking out of the barn, she headed towards the house. Dinner would be ready soon and Charlie had told her that she was to finally meet all of his cowhands. She didn't really want to smell like horse shit when he introduced her, so luckily enough she had time to take a shower beforehand.
Once she was in the house she stepped over the sleeping cat that was stretched out across the hallway and walked into the bathroom. Just as she was about to turn on the water, she caught her reflection in the mirror. Blinking, she turned slowly until her whole body was facing it and stepped forward.
'…look in the mirror and smile,' Jasper's words echoed through her mind, 'then you'll know what I'm talking about.'
Inhaling a deep breath she forced herself to smile, gazing expectantly into the mirror.
But what she saw disappointed her.
She didn't transform into the stunning girl that Jasper had so sincerely described. She looked, honestly, like a tortured princess. And that radiant smile he had seen? It wasn't there.
It was broken.
He had been lying all along, just to make her feel better. Shaking her head angrily, Bella whipped around and grabbed the first thing she could find – a bottle of lotion, and threw it against the mirror. It busted open, spewing its contents all over the bathroom counter.
"I hate him," Bella whispered fiercely, wrapping her arms around herself and closing her eyes, letting the darkness consume her. "I hate him…"
But even as she repeated this over and over, she couldn't help but remember the soft, gentle words he had spoken to her. 'Everybody needs somebody sometimes.'
'I could too…if you'd let me.'
And the way he had touched her, setting her whole body on fire.
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