Chapter 15

Over the next week, Rhianna got increasingly worse. She worked incessantly with the horses by day and roamed the house aimlessly by night. She rarely slept. When she did manage to sleep, it was troubled. She had vivid nightmares that were getting steadily worse. Nick often heard her cry out; he wanted to comfort her, but knew she would never allow it.

She had retreated into herself; she rarely spoke and she never smiled. She had a hard time concentrating and seemed desperate to fill every waking moment with mind numbing activity so she didn't have to think or remember. She became unpredictable. She was quiet one minute only to fly off in a rage at Nick about almost anything the next.

On March Twenty-Fourth the family gathered for breakfast. Rhianna was nowhere to be found.

Nick had been dreading this day. Kathleen and Jack had told him why this day was so hard for Rhianna. He hoped and prayed it would pass uneventfully, though in his heart he knew it wouldn't.

Victoria looked around the table. "Audra, would you go and see if Rhianna is coming down?"

Audra replied anxiously, "She's not in her room, Mother. I can't find her anywhere."

"Leave her alone, Audra." Nick spoke quietly, but firmly.

"Nick?" Audra looked at Nick in confusion.

"I mean it. I'm asking you to leave her alone today." Nick looked pleadingly at Audra.

Victoria was puzzled. Clearly, something was very wrong. "Nick, we all just want to help her."

Nick shook his head sadly, "I know, Mother. I want to help her, too. Please just trust me."

"All right, Nick." With a frown, Victoria acceded, though she was still concerned.

The day passed slowly. As early evening came, the family gathered for their usual pre-dinner drink. Rhianna had finally appeared and was there, albeit silent. It was as if she was in another world entirely. She barely responded to anything around her. She looked weary and frail; she wasn't far from total exhaustion.

Silas called them in to dinner. The conversation was awkward as everyone was focused on Rhianna. She stared off into space and hardly touched the food on her plate. She seemed completely unaware of anything around her. Taking their cue from Nick, the family tried to act as if nothing was amiss.

Afterwards, as was their habit, they retired to the billiard room. The men gathered around the billiard table for a game as Victoria and Audra picked up some hand work and talked about this and that. Rhianna stood at the window staring into the night.

"Rhianna?" Nick tried to draw her out. Rhianna didn't respond.

"RHIANNA?" Nick demanded.

She spoke in a flat, emotionless voice without moving. "What?"

"Why don't you come and play a game with us?" Nick tried to draw her into their company.

"No." Rhianna refused.

"Come on, Rhianna…" Nick tried to cajole her.

"I said, NO!" Rhianna suddenly spun around to look at Nick. She was shouting at him. "Why can't you just leave me alone? Stop hovering over me as if I were a child. As if I were the one who needed defending from the soldiers. I have been taking care of myself since long before I came here and I will continue to do so long after I leave. I can out drink you, out shoot you, out ride you, and out shout you! You overbearing…"

"Stop picking a fight with the man because you're hurting." Jack stood in the doorway.

Rhianna turned and glared at Jack. Jack, Kathleen, and Liam had come fearing such a moment.

The Barkleys had been stunned when Rhianna started shouting and now they could feel the tension shift from Rhianna and Nick to the two sisters.

Kathleen held a small chest in her hands. Rhianna backed away from it in anguish. She stared at it with a haunted look. It reminded Nick of the look he saw in her face the first time they met. The look of raw pain was almost too much for him to bear.

Kathleen approached Rhianna. She halted in front of her sister. She spoke gently, "We gathered all of her things we could find after..." She hesitated before continuing with determination, "…she was slain. We knew you would want them."

Rhianna finally spoke with a strangled voice, shaking her head. "No. Take them away. I don't want them."

Kathleen was heartsick to see how much her sister was suffering. She didn't know how to help her, this sister who was more like her own child. As she searched Rhianna's face, she became angry. "She was your daughter! She existed. Not saying her name and not talking about her doesn't change that. Catriona Mary Colleen was a sweet child who deserves to be remembered!"

Rhianna flinched at the sound of the name. Kathleen forced the small chest into Rhianna's arms. She clutched it close to her heart.

Most of the Barkleys looked stunned. Rhianna had a daughter? Why hadn't she told them? She was slain? As Victoria looked at Rhianna, her heart went out to the younger woman. She couldn't imagine losing one of her children. She could see Rhianna was close to the breaking point. She quietly went to her and put her arm around her. "Rhianna, let's sit down. Nick, would you please take the chest?"

"No!" Rhianna clutched the chest desperately to her.

Nick walked up and stood directly in front of Rhianna. "Rhianna look at me." When Rhianna didn't respond, he spoke more forcefully, "Look at me."

Rhianna slowly raised her eyes to meet Nick's.

"Trust me. I'll make sure it's kept safe." Nick looked at her steadily.

She never took her eyes off Nick as she reluctantly released the chest to his care. Nick took it carefully and with reverence carried it over to the desk and placed it there, for the time being.

Victoria, meanwhile, walked Rhianna to the settee and sat next to her. Rhianna was shaking and had grown very quiet. Victoria wanted to talk to her, but realized it wasn't the time or the place. She just sat with her. She shook her head at Jarrod to signal him this wasn't the time for one of his famous cross-examinations. Audra went and got her friend a cup of tea though it sat untouched.

Kathleen sat on Rhianna's other side. Father Liam stood near the women. The Barkleys looked on, worried about how still and quiet Rhianna had become.

Rhianna soon became restless. They all watched her carefully as she rose and walked aimlessly about the room eventually coming to rest at the window staring out into the darkness. After a long silence, she spoke hollowly as if her heart had turned to stone.

"She would have turned five today." She was silent again for a long time and then said without turning around, "I know, Liam."

"You know what?" Liam was confused.

Rhianna turned and faced Liam finally admitting, "I know how she died."

Liam glanced at Jack for a moment before saying sadly, "We were trying to spare you that."

"I know and I love you for it." Rhianna turned back to the window looking out into the night. After another long pause, Rhianna continued in the flat, emotionless voice. "There's no word for what I am."

"What do you mean?" Liam asked carefully.

"A wife who loses a husband is a widow. Children who lose their parents are orphans. What am I?"

Rhianna turned at Kathleen's words, "I know how you feel."

No words could have enraged Rhianna more. She glared at her sister with white hot anger and all of the anguish and grief that was so near the surface finally erupted.

"Do you now? You know what it's like to wake to the sound of the Banshee wailing and know your child's life is over? You know what it's like to feel a pain so profound you cannot escape it? A pain that never ends. Your children are still alive. When you bury one of yours then, maybe, you will have the right to tell me how to feel!" Rhianna stared at Kathleen, her anger not abated at all.

Kathleen was shocked and speechless at the intensity she heard. She was only trying to comfort Rhianna. "I didn't mean to tell you how to feel. I…"

"Do you really think she isn't the first thing I think of every morning and the last thing I think of every night? She lived for One thousand and seventy one days and she's been dead for Seven hundred and six! I…" Rhianna turned to leave and got as far as the threshold to the foyer.

"Rhianna!" Liam called out to her.

She stopped though she didn't turn around.

"Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shall not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee." (Isaiah 43:1-2)

Rhianna never turned or acknowledged she heard the words; she just left.

Jarrod had been watching his younger brother carefully. Nick was unusually quiet. Jarrod was worried about him. Jarrod asked, quietly, "You knew about her daughter?"

Nick nodded his head.

Audra was feeling shocked and betrayed by her friend and now by her brother. "Why didn't you tell us?"

Nick looked at his sister. "I couldn't."

"Don't you think we deserved to know? We all care about her, too. I can't believe you kept it from us!" Audra was angry.

Nick was stunned. He hadn't expected this reaction from Audra. "Audra, it was her business. Telling you against her wishes would have been wrong, and you know it!"

"Audra! Nick!" Victoria broke in, "Both of you sit down. Audra, Nick is right. He didn't have the right. We know now, so Nick, tell us the rest."

"No." Jack broke in. "I'll tell you."

The Barkleys listened closely as Jack relayed the story of Katie's life and her death. They were saddened and horrified by the details and their hearts went out to Rhianna and all she had suffered.

Victoria thought back to all the interactions she had had with Rhianna. So many things made sense now. She couldn't imagine having a child die the way this one had; what a burden to carry.

Jack looked around. "Mrs. Barkley, the only person she has talked to about this is Nick. Ever. She refuses to talk about it. When she returns, and she WILL return, she still won't talk about it." Jack said sadly, "I don't know what it is going to take for her to truly grieve."

Nick had turned away and walked over to the massive fireplace with his back to the family. He stared into the fire during the recitation. He almost couldn't bear to hear the details again.

Audra came over to him. "I'm really sorry, Nick. I was just surprised and concerned. I, well…I'm sorry."

"It's all right, Audra. I wanted to tell all of you, but I couldn't." Nick gave his sister a small smile of reconciliation.

Audra gave him a big hug. She loved her brother and was glad he could forgive her.

Nick started getting agitated. Rhianna had been gone for a long time. He started pacing and looking towards the foyer every few minutes. Jack watched Nick pace with amusement. They were so much alike! "What's wrong, Nick?"

"Where did she go this time? I'm going after her!" Nick declared.

Jack said bluntly, "You won't find her."

"What?" Nick said, surprised.

"Nick, she doesn't want to be around people right now. She knows every inch of Barkley land. If she doesn't want to be found, you won't find her. She'll be back when she's ready. Trust me, Nick. One day you'll walk outside and she'll be working with the horses. Spring round-up is coming soon; she'll be back before then." Jack said, confidently.

"I hope so." Nick looked at Jack the worry showing in his face.

The days passed into weeks. Nick, Heath, and the hands all worked long hours getting ready for the round-up. There was much to be done and they spent long hours working hard. Nick threw himself into work and came home each night tired to the bone. He was trying not to think about Rhianna, but that was proving to be impossible. Heath noted Nick's short temper and tried to keep as many of the hands out of Nick's way as possible. They didn't need a single man to quit right now.

Then one morning, Nick woke and knew everything was all right. He got up and looked out his bedroom window and couldn't believe his eyes. He dressed hastily and went downstairs. Jarrod was standing at the window with a cup of coffee, watching.

"Morning, Brother Nick." Jarrod greeted Nick.

"Morning, Jarrod." Nick responded.

"She's back. Feel better?" Jarrod noted Nick looked better than he had in weeks.

"Yeah." Nick sounded relieved.

Heath was outside standing at the corral fence. Rhianna still looked tired and worn. He knew he needed to tread lightly. "Hello, Rhianna. Welcome back."

Rhianna looked over at the fence. Heath was always one to rise early. She wasn't surprised to see him.

"Morning. The horses look good. Your doing?" She inquired as if she hadn't been gone for weeks.

"I did what I could. They missed you." Heath spoke easily.

She turned and looked at her charges. Heath knew he needed to say what he wanted to while she was looking away from him. He spoke in his quiet way, "I was real sorry to hear about your daughter."

Rhianna didn't react. Heath hadn't expected she would.

"We all were. I just wanted you to know we're here for you, if you need it." Having said his peace, Heath backed off.

Several long minutes passed and Heath was about to let her be when she spoke. "Nick tell you what happened?"

"Jack did. Nick would never betray your trust." It was said simply and without malice, but there was a slight rebuke in his tone. Rhianna finally looked at Heath.

"Of course he wouldn't. I'm sorry." Rhianna apologized.

"Well, I'll leave you to your work." Heath turned to leave.

"Heath?" Rhianna had to ask the question that burned in her soul.

"Yeah?" Heath waited.

"Where is it?" Rhianna sounded so sad.

Heath knew what she was asking. "Nick took care of it. I'm sure he'll get it for you anytime you want."

"Thank you. I'm glad the family knows. I just can't…I can't…" Rhianna couldn't continue.

"We understand. If you ever want to, though, you know where we live, right?" Heath put a teasing tone in his voice.

Heath heard something he hadn't heard in a very long time. Rhianna laughed. It was music to his ears.

He went into the house and joined his brothers watching her work. As they went in to breakfast, each of them walked with a decidedly lighter step than in days past. No one was happier just then than Nick Barkley.