this chapter, i think, took a totally different turn than what i was expected, but i suppose i should know better than to plan ahead ;) i hope you enjoy it! i will say that i haven't experienced this fear of being who i am, but i do know the fear of not fitting in, and i understand the feeling of being so vastly different from the perceived notion of who you should be, especially in this way. so...i hope you all can relate, or at least try to.
as you know, nothing you recognize belongs to me.
playlist (a little schizophrenic, mea culpa):
1. rum and coca-cola - the andrews sisters
2. tomorrow - avril lavigne
3. the sound of silence [simon & garfunkel cover] - kina grannis
4. you are my baby - kimya dawson
5. wrung & possibly broken - kindlewood
6. love just is - hilary duff
love and light, y'all.
tessellation /ˌtɛsəˈleɪʃən/ n. 1) shapes that fill a plane completely with no gaps or overlaps; pieces that fit perfectly together.
"I'm really glad you're coming to the Hamptons with us, Kate," Alexis said softly, so as not to wake up Charlie, who'd fallen asleep about an hour into the three-hour drive.
"I'm glad I'm going this time."
"It's my favorite place. It's much more homey than the loft."
"Really?" Kate shook her head. "The loft feels..." She flushed, embarrassed to admit that the Castles' loft felt more like home to her than anywhere had in a long time.
Alexis smiled faintly, acknowledging what the other woman couldn't. "I think you'll see what I mean. Compared to Poe Pond, the loft feels like an iceberg."
"Poe Pond?" Kate furrowed her brow.
"The name of the Hamptons house." Alexis grinned. "Everybody names houses up there."
"Oh. Hey, Alexis..."
"Yeah?"
"You're...okay, with Charlie coming with me? I mean, it's all a bit sudden and I know I'm already intruding on your time with your family and-"
Alexis nodded. "Of course. She's your daughter. And it's not like it's forever, it's just a few weeks." Kate smiled tightly, but Alexis didn't seem to notice. "We'll be fine, I'm sure."
"Good. And...thanks," Kate said quietly.
"Hey," Alexis said fiercely. "The rule you made about thanks? It goes both ways, you know."
Kate squeezed Alexis' arm lightly. "I'm gonna nap. You in?"
"Maybe I'll fall asleep listening to my music," Alexis said softly, putting in her earbuds.
Kate nodded as she closed her eyes and leaned her head back.
When she woke up, they were headed down an open road lined with opulent mansions.
"Are we almost there?" She asked Castle, a hint of excitement in her voice.
"Yup! This is our street," he answered, finding her eyes in the rearview.
Kate turned to Charlie and began to gently shake her awake. "Charlie," she whispered in her ear. "We're here."
Charlie mumbled something unintelligible and brought up a fist to rub her eyes. Kate leaned the other way to wake up Alexis, but she was already up and wrapping her headphones around her iPod.
"Land ho!" Castle said, pulling into a long drive in front of a Georgian-inspired estate home. Kate gazed up in awe at the house (if it could even be called that), which appeared to have at least three stories, and probably even had wings. Alexis smiled, and giggled a little at Kate's expression.
"Isn't it cool?" She asked her friend.
Kate gave her a look. "It's amazing," she sputtered.
Both teens got out of the car, and Alexis held her door open to let Kate out. Charlie was still stumbling around half-asleep, and Martha put an arm around her as she got out of the car.
"Come on, darling, let's go get a snack," she said warmly.
Charlie smiled tiredly, and allowed the matriarch to lead her inside.
"Alexis, will you-" Castle began, but was cut off by his daughter's shriek.
"Tucker! Libby!"
Alexis dashed across the street to a red Ferrari very similar to her father's own. Two teenagers stepped out of the car. Both were a few years older than Alexis. The girl wrapped her arms around Alexis and began to squeal and bounce them up and down. The boy looked on with amusement.
"Who are they?" Kate asked Castle, leaning on the car by the open hatch.
He answered as he lifted out Alexis' suitcase. "Tucker Bryant and Libby Vaughn. They live here. Tucker and Libby have been the teenage 'it-couple' in Southampton for a good few years, but they've always been best friends, and good friends of Alexis in the summer. Tucker goes to Cornell now, actually, and Libby goes to NYU, so the three of them see a bit more of each other."
Kate smiled, and reached in the car to unload her own bag. "It's nice that she has some friends here. How long have you guys been coming up?"
"Well, I bought this house years ago to impress Meredith, and we actually got married up here on the beach. When we were still together, we brought Alexis up here a lot. But she left us when Alexis was a toddler, and I was so angry that I wanted to sell. I brought Alexis up here one last time, to get the place in order, but I lost my nerve when I saw how happy she was on the beach." He paused as he heaved Martha's trunk from the back of the car.
When he caught his breath again, he continued. "I knew that I could downsize, and get rid of a house with so many bad feelings, but you really can't beat this location. We're right on the water, we have our own stretch of beach, and we have a private pool on top of that. So I figured that she and I and Mother could make our own good memories, to replace the bad ones."
"And have you?"
Castle looked over to Kate, shocked and mock-offended, and discovered the smirk on her face that told him she was just teasing. "Laser tag in the backyard, movie nights in the theater, diving contests, bonfires, camp-outs...we've pretty much done it all."
"So what's the plan for this month?" She asked him challengingly. "It better live up to your hype, considering I've taken off all this work..."
"Oh, don't you worry," he assured her. "This will be the best time you've ever had. I guarantee," he said in a fake-Cajun accent. She rolled her eyes, but quirked a half-smile that made Castle outright beam.
They dragged the luggage inside, Alexis jogging back from across the street to grab her own bag to help out. Kate carried Charlie's duffel and her own suitcase, and Castle dragged both his bag and Martha's rolling trunk.
"How are Tucker and Libby?" Castle asked Alexis.
"They're great," she enthused. "They have some sort of function tonight, but I'm gonna go over there tomorrow to hang out and sunbathe and stuff," she said.
Kate knew it wasn't her place to say anything, but she secretly hoped Alexis might ask Charlie to come along. She wanted Charlie to feel welcomed, not encroaching. Luckily, Castle jumped in, so she didn't have to.
"Alexis, why don't you ask Charlie if she'd be interested in going with you? I'm sure she'd like to meet your friends," Castle nudged gently.
Kate rejoiced at the fact that Alexis was one of the most agreeable kids ever, because she said, "Sure, Dad. I'll ask."
Alexis went into the house first, and Kate grabbed Castle above the elbow. "Thank you, Castle," she whispered sincerely.
"Don't mention it. I want Charlie to feel welcome just as much as you do."
Kate was awestruck once again when they stepped into the foyer. Clean, cool, white and gray marble lined the entry, and a magnificent double staircase led up to the second level.
"I figured we'd put you and Charlie in the west wing, with the two guest rooms on the second floor. Alexis, Mother, and I are all on the second floor also, but in the east wing. Is that alright with you?" Castle asked.
"Fine, fine," Kate said dreamily. Everything was in shades of blue or white, which created a clean, airy, and allover beach-like feel to the space. She looked straight between the staircases to the two-story great room, which was appointed with cushy upholstered club chairs and a cozy fireplace.
"Because there's another master on this floor, which you're more than welcome to. I just figured you might want to be near Char-"
"Castle!" Kate was aware now, and her voice was a bit sharp. "It's perfect. Thank you."
Castle grinned. "Okay, great! I'll show you to your room. Follow me!"
Kate shook her head, grabbed her and Charlie's bags, and headed up the left staircase in hot pursuit of her partner. She chased him down the hall and through a pair of french doors that led into a room lined with windows. There were two windows on each exterior wall, and the light the flooded into the room made Kate's heart sing.
"Oh, Castle," she murmured. "It's beautiful."
A gray rattan headboard covered the far wall, in front of which was a bed covered in plush, crisp, white and lilac linens. The duvet was white, with a scalloped edge done in lavender. A waffle-knit blanket in pale plum draped the foot of the bed, and Kate felt a strong urge to wrap herself in it and rock in the white wicker chair in the corner, sitting in a perfect shaft of afternoon sun. The purple and white gingham romans had already been raised, and the sunwashed linen curtains were open to let in as much light as the room could stand.
"It's perfect," she added.
"I'm glad," he said. "I figured we'd get dinner around six, so you've got a couple hours to unpack, hang out, do whatever..."
"Thanks," she said with a smile. "Now get out."
He saluted her. "Roger that, 10-4."
Once he turned his back, Kate let out a small chuckle. She shook her head as she hoisted her suitcase up onto the bed and began to unpack. All of her stuff - suitcase included - fit in the spacious walk-in closet with plenty of room to spare. Having finished her self-appointed task, Kate meandered back downstairs to find Charlie and Martha. She'd placed Charlie's bag outside the other door on her way down, but hadn't gone inside yet.
"Zizi, this stuff is amazing!" Kate heard Charlie exclaim as she got closer to the kitchen. "What is it?"
"Homemade raspberry and lemon jam," an unfamiliar voice answered. Kate stepped into the kitchen to see Charlie with a sticky red spoon, Martha with a bag of graham crackers and a chocolate bar, and a tall, ebony-colored woman wearing a plain dress and a colorful apron.
"Kate!" Charlie said, noticing her in the doorway. "We were wondering where you were."
Kate smiled. "I was wondering where you were," she threw the statement back. "Castle took me to my room and I unpacked. You're in the room next to me."
Charlie nodded. "Cool, I'll go up in a bit."
"Kate, darling, join us in feasting upon this extraordinary creation!" Martha commanded, pulling out the stool on the other side of her. "This is our housekeeper, Aziza, and she is the best chef in all the Hamptons," she announced.
"Oh, Miss Martha, that is certainly untrue," Zizi said blushingly. "You may call me Zizi," she said, sticking out her hand.
Kate smiled as she shook it. "I'm Kate, it's nice to meet you."
Zizi nodded. "Alright, Miss Charlie, you take those crackers and spread them with the jam. Miss Martha, you and Miss Kate break up the chocolate and put it on the crackers. I will put them on the cookie sheets and put them in the oven," she directed.
Everyone did their tasks, with Charlie and Kate surreptitiously trying to lick their fingers, and Martha using up multiple napkins to wipe hers off. Once the last pan was under the broiler, Castle came in, searching after the smell.
"Mister Ricky!" Zizi greeted him, as he wrapped her in a bear hug. "How are you?"
"Starving to know what is baking," he replied.
"Jam and chocolate crackers," Zizi told him. "They'll be a few minutes, until the chocolate melts. Where is Miss Alexis?"
"I think she's in her room," Castle said.
"No, I'm not," she answered from behind him. "Hi, Zizi!"
Zizi hugged Alexis too, and the timer went off on the oven. "Ah, ah, watch out," she warned, pulling on an oven mitt and taking the pans from the the hotbox. Castle went to grab an oozing graham, but Zizi batted his hand away. "Not yet, Mister Ricky, let them cool down."
After a few minutes, Zizi allowed everyone to take a cracker from the cooling rack. The chocolate had hardened slightly, which formed a barrier on top of the jam. Combined with the graham on the bottom, the treat, when bitten into, was the perfect ratio of crunchy and gooey.
Everyone praised Zizi and her wonderful dessert, and Castle informed her that she had the night off. She told everyone that she'd be back in the morning, and went off to do whatever she pleased. Castle took that as a sign to get everyone ready for dinner. He wouldn't tell Charlie and Kate where they were headed - he wouldn't tell Martha or Alexis, either, but they seemed to know anyway - merely telling them to trust him, and that they'd love it.
They were all dressed very casually, in jeans and t-shirts mostly, except for Martha, who was "dressed down" in a tangerine paisley jumpsuit. Castle made sure they all wore shoes appropriate for walking, for walk they did. They walked all the way up Gin Lane (a fair way), and then turned on the corner of Squabble.
"I don't see much in the way of dining options, Castle," Kate said skeptically.
"You'll see," he teased. Dutifully, the ladies followed him, as he walked over to a rickety deck-like contraption. "Here we are!" He announced.
"Chewy's!" Alexis said happily.
"The best clams in town," Castle informed the newcomers. "Of course, there are other things, too, like fish, chicken, hot dogs, grilled cheese, burgers, lobster rolls -"
"We come here pretty much all the time when we're up here," Alexis added. "It's the best place to just sit and relax."
"Alexis, why don't you and Charlie pick a table? Beckett, Mother, and I will go order," Castle half-suggested. "Just tell us what you want."
Alexis said, "I'll get my usual."
"I'll have a lobster roll, if you think they're good," Charlie said.
"They're awesome," Castle assured her. "Good choice. And Alexis, you want fries with your clam cake?"
Alexis nodded, but Charlie asked, "Does my thing come with something?"
"Fries, unless you want something else."
"Onion rings, if they have them," Charlie requested. Castle nodded and smiled as the three grownups walked off. Alexis walked away, and Charlie followed quietly after.
"Alexis?" Charlie questioned, when they'd selected a corner table closest to the edge of the deck. "Is it okay that I came on this trip?"
Alexis nodded. "Sure it is!"
"Because, well...I know you like Kate, or are, like, friendly with her, but I know that you don't know me that well and I know it's your family vacation and I'm sorry that I just kinda...showed up," Charlie said in a rush.
Alexis looked hard at her. "I think we can be friends, too."
Charlie grinned. "Really? I'd like that," she whispered.
"Really. And I'm going over to my friend's house tomorrow to tan and swim, if you wanna come too," Alexis offered.
"Sounds like fun!" Charlie said.
"Alright, kiddos," Martha said, walking over with a tray. "Clam cake and fries for Alexis, lobster roll and onion rings for Charlie, and a pint of scallops for Mama!"
"I got a burger, and Beckett got a ½ pint each of shrimp and clams," Castle said, as they walked over. "We also got water and lemonade for everyone," he announced, handing off the drinks.
"This lemonade is great," Charlie said. "Thank you so much, guys."
"No problem," Castle answered before Beckett could admonish her.
The five of them had a lovely time, laughing and eating as if they'd been doing it forever. Castle grew enamored with Charlie's quick wit, and Kate grew enamored of the fact that Castle was growing enamored of Charlie. Martha adored Kate, and adored Charlie by association, and Alexis was happy that her family seemed happy.
The next day, Charlie and Alexis headed over to Tucker's house after breakfast. Libby greeted them at the door.
"Tucker's already outside, so we can just go out," she told them. "Hi, I'm Libby," she said to Charlie.
"I'm Charlie," she responded.
"Charlie's my dad's partner, Kate's, daughter," Alexis said, giving Libby a little more information.
"It's nice to make your acquaintance," Libby said politely, as they climbed the open staircase to the second level and the pool deck.
Stepping out onto the balcony, Charlie marveled at the view, and the rows upon rows of pristine white chaise lounges. A teen boy was reclining on one under a large canopy, with a fluffy yellow towel on the chair next to him. Libby sat on that one, while Alexis set up on the chair next to Tucker, and Charlie set up on the other side of Libby.
As Alexis greeted Tucker and then popped on her shades and popped in her earbuds, Libby turned to Charlie. "Let me get to know you better," she demanded. "Where are you from?"
"New York City, by way of Tenafly, by way of New York City," Charlie said.
"Huh?"
"Sorry, long story...the short version of which is, I was born in New York, and then my family moved to Tenafly, which is where I lived until about six months ago. What about you?"
"I'm from New York, too...I lived there with my mom, Elyse, until I was seven. Then she met Anna, and the rest is kinda...history."
"You have two moms?" Charlie's breath caught, and she stared wide-eyed at Libby.
"Yeah, you have a problem with that?" Libby began to get defensive, but softened considerably when she noticed the faint glimmer of tears beginning in Charlie's eyes and her fervent head-shaking. "Hey, sorry. Let's take a walk, okay?" Her motherly instincts took over as she rose from her chaise and placed a gentle hand on Charlie's shoulder. Charlie stiffened noticeably, but followed Libby down the steps to the private beach.
"What's going on?" Alexis pulled out an earbud to question Tucker, but he shrugged his shoulders and they let them go.
"What's going on?" Libby gently asked Charlie.
"What do you mean?" Charlie asked back.
"No one gets emotional - except in a bad way - over my moms without a reason. So, spill."
"I don't know," Charlie said softly, avoiding eye contact.
"How long have you known?" Libby asked. Charlie stopped and looked up, terrified.
"Known what? I don't know a-anything!"
"It's okay, Charlie. Really," Libby put a hand on the other girl's shoulder. "Is it because of your parents?"
"My parents are dead," she whispered.
"But I thought...isn't Kate your mom?"
Charlie shook her head. "Yes, she is, biologically. But...I was adopted. My-" She began to shake, unable to continue.
Libby bit her lip. "Okay, well...have you talked at all to Kate about this?"
"No, I can't! I can't tell anybody!"
"Hey, calm down. No one's gonna hurt you," Libby promised.
"H-Someone...already did." Charlie looked as astounded at her admission as Libby.
"Are you serious?" Libby asked quietly.
Charlie's lip trembled, and she slowly nodded yes. "He didn't really know, but neither did I...and I...I-"
"Hey. Charlie," Libby said firmly, making Charlie look her in the eye. "Let's get you home, okay?"
Charlie nodded mutely, and let Libby lead her back upstairs. Libby packed up her own stuff, and then help Charlie pack up her own. Libby whispered something in Tucker's ear, and he looked worried, but didn't ask any questions.
As Charlie followed Libby across the street, she made a soft query. "Libby?" She asked. "Could I...meet them? Your...moms?"
"I'm sure they'd love to meet you," Libby said kindly.
"I don't think I want to ask them questions, I just...want to see them," Charlie said lamely.
"Whatever you want, Charlie," Libby assured her. She told Charlie that she'd text her with details once she talked to her parents. Charlie gave her a weak smile and a thank you, to which Libby replied, "Don't mention it."
Charlie slipped upstairs to her room without much fuss. She grabbed Norman and the turquoise, fuchsia, and jungle green quilt off of her bed and curled up in the wingback by the window. She desperately wanted to cry; to get rid of all the tension behind her eyebrows and in the base of her skull. But she had forced herself not to cry for so long, that forcing herself to cry was no longer an option.
So she buried her face into Norman, inhaling his mixed scent of her shampoo, cinnamon sugar, and love. She clenched her fists, folded her knees up underneath her chin, and shut her eyes tight. And though she hadn't been sung to sleep in a very long time, she softly mumbled a lullaby as she gave in to her body and passed out.
Charlie awoke, hours later, to a knock on her door. "C'm'in," she rasped thickly.
"Hey," Alexis whispered, poking her head through the crack between the door and the jamb. "Do you feel like talking?"
"Not really," Charlie muttered. "But come in anyway."
Alexis entered, and lighted on the bed like a timid butterfly. "I...what happened, today?"
"I-"
"Because you were fine and then you talked to Libby and all of a sudden you were totally upset and she took you home and she wouldn't tell us anything because she said it was for you to tell us and not the other way around and I just...we're friends, aren't we?"
"Do you wanna be?" Charlie asked, rather shyly.
"Well, yeah! I mean, with you living with Kate...we're gonna see a lot of each other, and it would be better to be friends than enemies, right?"
Charlie examined Alexis' face closely to see if she was lying or not. Determining the latter, Charlie leaned in to her. "Can you keep a secret?"
Alexis' eyes were serious. "As long as it doesn't hurt anyone."
Charlie nodded, and looked down. "Alexis, I...I don't really know how to say this. I mean, I've never told anyone. Libby knows, but she guessed. And I...I didn't want it to be true for so long, because I thought things would get even worse. And bad things have happened because of this, but, I don't know, somehow things feel different now. I...I'm...I like...girls," Charlie's voice grew progressively softer until she was barely saying anything at all. "And I'm terrified."
Alexis didn't say anything, and merely wrapped Charlie in a hug. Charlie gripped her tightly, holding on for dear life. "I...I don't..."
"It's okay," Alexis soothed. She didn't really know what Charlie needed or wanted, and she herself had no idea how to handle this kind of situation. But she knew that when she was upset, she just wanted to be held. So she hugged Charlie, and gently ran her fingers through Charlie's tangled curls. "It's okay."
After a while, Alexis began to slowly pull away, and Charlie jerked back into her seat. "Thanks," she said, in an embarrassed whisper.
"Don't mention it," Alexis assured her. "Are you gonna-"
"I was gonna tell her tonight," Charlie said in a rush.
"I was going to ask if you were okay," Alexis laughed. "But," she said seriously, "that's really good. I think that's a good idea."
Charlie nodded. "I just..." Charlie didn't know what to say. 'If she wants me gone, I don't want to stay here longer than I have to.'
"I get it," Alexis said. "You don't wanna keep it inside anymore."
Charlie sighed quietly. "Yeah, exactly."
Alexis smiled, pleased they were understanding each other so well. "Well, I'm gonna go shower and stuff. Dad said he was gonna order in pizza or something, if that's okay with you. Then maybe we'll watch a movie while we eat."
Charlie nodded her assent. "I'll put on some real clothes. Good...talk," she finished awkwardly.
"Yeah!" Alexis said brightly as she left.
"Yeah," Charlie muttered sadly.
Charlie messed around in her closet, looking for a comfortable, yet attractive, outfit to wear downstairs. She ended up choosing a pale mint green tee and a frond-print pair of shorts in the same color. She flipped her head over and bent at the waist to gather her hair up in a sloppy topknot.
She left her room just as Kate was leaving hers. "Hey, kid," Kate said softly. "You look cute!"
Blushing, Charlie mumbled a "Thanks."
"Why didn't you tell us you were home?" Kate asked as she slung an arm around Charlie's shoulders. "We could've hung out or somethin'."
"I was tired," Charlie said truthfully. "I didn't really feel up to anything."
"You feelin' okay, sweetie?" Kate asked in concern. "You feel kinda warm," she said, after feeling Charlie's forehead and cheeks.
"Probably because I've been asleep," Charlie assured, trying to ease Kate's worry.
Kate nodded and didn't say anything more. Charlie felt a burning tingle in her nose at the protective treatment, and the all-encompassing fear that it might soon be over forever.
Charlie tried her best to be agreeable about everything - the movie, the pizza, the place she sat in the theater. While Martha, Castle, Alexis, and even Kate were laughing and making conversation during the movie, Charlie sat quietly in her reclinable seat, only speaking up to ask for another slice of pizza or can of soda. When the credits rolled, Kate bent in front of Charlie's chair.
"Hey, Charlie, what's the matter?" Kate asked, squatting and placing her hands on Charlie's thighs for support.
"Can we talk privately? Like, in your room, maybe?"
Kate nodded, apprehension crossing her face. "Let's go," she said, standing and offering her hand for Charlie to take.
Charlie followed Kate silently up the two flights of stairs to the first guest room.
"What's up, Charlie?" Kate said, sitting on her bed. Charlie stood in front of her.
"I don't...I'm not good at just, like, saying things," Charlie said, her voice gravely with frustration.
"It's okay," Kate said calmly. "Take your time."
"When I was...living in the Bowery, I stayed at the mission." Kate nodded, so Charlie went on. "After Lucy...died, a new girl took her bed. Her name was Marie. And she was...she was really nice to me. When I hurt my hand, she fixed it. And, like, I'd help her with her homework, and stuff. We were, like, friends. Not like me and Lucy, I mean...Lucy and me were like, I don't know, like sisters. I could tell her anything, and it went both ways. And she took care of me. But I still liked Marie, and she was nice and stuff."
Charlie knew she was taking forever, and she wanted to just spit it out, but Kate didn't seem to mind. "Anyway, one day, I was helping Marie with Algebra. And she had this shampoo that smelled like Hawaii, and I was being stupid, but I...kissed her," Charlie said in a tiny voice, pink coloring her nose and cheeks. "And I told her I liked her, because I did, but that's...what got me kicked out. And then I came to live with you, which you know, obviously, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that, like, the thing with Marie wasn't a fluke or whatever. That's how I feel, all the time. That's how I've always felt. And that's why Brian-well, anyway. So, I'm...I mean, I like...goddamn it!" Charlie yelled. "Ugh, I'm like, gay, or whatever." Charlie turned her feet inwards, and stared at the floor. She twisted her lower lip with her teeth in nervous anticipation of her verdict.
Kate was silent. She didn't know what to say. "Okay?" She said in question form. She didn't really understand why this was such a big deal. She did, because it was a big thing to...be. There were implications and laws and trials and thankfully New York just passed the gay marriage bill, or they would have their hands full of pissed-off homicide detective. "I mean, okay," she said, with more authority.
"So, I'll just leave, then," Charlie said quietly, edging her way to the door. "I should be gone before you wake up."
"Hey, what?" Kate asked. She ran to Charlie and tackled her in a hug. "You're not going anywhere. You're my kid, and that's not gonna change just because you love differently."
Charlie felt all of her emotions explode in her chest at once. Her shoulders vibrated as her body shook with sobs. Kate held on to her as tightly as she felt like she could without crushing her daughter's ribcage. "Baby girl," Kate breathed into her hair. "It's okay. I love you, it's okay." She murmured those words over and over, and as Charlie cried, Kate slowly pulled them both towards the bed, sat, and put Charlie on her lap.
"You don't hate me?" Charlie asked timidly when she finally calmed, still not making eye contact.
"I couldn't hate you if my life depended on it," Kate promised. "You're my baby, and I will love you forever."
Charlie buried her face in Kate's collarbone. "I love you too," she said. Kate understood, even though her voice was muffled, and tears pricked her own eyes. She kissed Charlie's head, and hugged her close.
"I'm sleepy," Charlie said quietly, when they'd sat like that for a long time.
"You've had a lot of excitement today," Kate said. "Can I come with you?"
Charlie was confused, but agreed anyway. They walked over to Charlie's room, and Kate followed her in.
"I'm gonna brush my teeth and stuff, and I'll be back," Charlie said, grabbing a pair of pajamas from her drawer. When she closed the bathroom door, Kate turned the covers of the bed down. She placed Norman in the center of the pillows, and sat at the corner of the bed. When Charlie came out a few minutes later, with a freshly scrubbed face and PJs on, she smiled nervously at Kate.
"Hi," she giggled.
"Hi," Kate said back. Charlie crawled into her bed, and Kate drew up the covers around her. Charlie snuggled down under the covers, and then stuck out her left leg and bent it around the blankets. Kate wrinkled her eyebrows and shot Charlie an amused questioning look.
"I get hot," she answered.
"Okay," Kate shrugged. She bent down and kissed Charlie's forehead. "Sleep tight, baby," she whispered.
"Goodnight," Charlie said. She paused for a minute. "Mom."
Kate was at the door, and turned around with tears in her eyes. "I love you," she said, her voice cracking.
"Love you too," Charlie mumbled, already drifting off. Kate flicked off the lights and left the room.
Kate paced her room for the better part of an hour. She'd Googled, Binged, and Yahoo! Answered everything she could possibly think of to find out more about how to deal with the situation. Not that it was a situation, but she didn't feel anything, and she didn't know if that was normal or if she should be happy or sad or whatever, much less what Charlie might need or want from her, or not from her, or something.
Kate tangled her fingers in her loose waves in frustration. She read what felt like hundreds of articles on having gay children, some helpful, but some causing her blood to boil over with rage. There was even an article suggesting that if you set up your supposedly-gay daughter with a "transvestite," she would be instantly cured. One article suggested that she would feel better if she talked to a close friend, and so, feeling out of options, she walked out of her room and down the hall.
"Castle?" She asked quietly as she rapped on the door. It was past midnight, and she didn't want to wake others up.
"Beckett?" He questioned sleepily, opening the door a crack. "What's wrong?"
"Can we talk?" She asked.
He opened the door fully and let her in, turning on a lamp as they got to the sitting area. Each sank into a cushy, leather club chair, and Kate pulled her knees to her chest as Castle crossed his right leg over his bent left knee.
"What's up?" He asked with concern.
"Charlie's gay," Kate burst out.
Castle looked at her, a little taken aback, but otherwise neutral. "Okay..."
"That's how I felt! I mean, that's how I feel! Ugh, I don't care, but should I care? Or, maybe it's like I do care, but I feel like I shouldn't? I don't know how to deal with this, Castle! She's only really been my daughter for a month, and already there's this major crisis that I don't know if I'm handling right at all, and, well, you've had a fifteen-year old, so I guess I thought you could help me figure out what she wants from me?"
Castle stared at his partner, wide-eyed. "Um. That was a lot of words," he muttered. "I...don't really know, Kate. I mean, I'd be happy to try, but..."
"But you don't really know about this stuff," Kate finished. "Yeah."
She looked and felt defeated, and Castle's face fell in sympathy. "I think Alexis would just want me to be supportive. To not try and be the 'cool dad' about it and talk about girls all the time, but just...be her dad. Treat her exactly the same as I always have."
Kate looked up. "You're a great dad, Castle...cool or not. I hope I'm as good a mom," she said quietly.
"Oh, Kate..." Castle murmured. "You're already a great mom. You were there for Charlie when she needed you-"
"Yeah, after sitting around on my ass forever!" Kate yelled. "Jesus, why didn't I just go for it? You would've gone for it!"
"Beckett..."
"No, Castle! You would've done everything you could for her the moment you met. Me? It took me weeks to even figure out what she'd been telling me all along, and then even more time after that to get her to move in with me! I'm not cut out for this!"
"Hey!" Castle got up and put his arms on Kate's shoulders, bending over so their faces were level. "You are cut out for this. You are Kate Beckett, dammit! You are the youngest homicide detective in the NYPD, and the best one to boot - not even mentioning that you're the first female detective to get to Level 2! You're the face of the 12th precinct, partly thanks to me," he grinned cockily, making Kate laugh, "but mostly because of the amazing woman you are! You're my partner, my friend...Kate, you're my-"
Castle paused. Kate looked up at him through her lashes. "What am I to you, Rick?"
Rick stared at her, hazel eyes golden with passion. His ice-blue eyes melted as their mouths collided, flesh and tongues meeting in a battle they'd been waiting years to fight.
Rick pulled back so Kate could stand up, but Kate's head bumped against Rick's chin. "Oh," she groaned.
"Sorry," he whispered softly.
They kissed again, awkwardly waltzing backwards until Rick's knees bent as they hit his bed. Kate toppled forward, her chest landing on Rick's face.
"Mmph," he mumbled. Kate giggled at the vibrations, but she rolled off him so he could breathe. "Thanks," he muttered, grouchy at being removed from the soft mounds.
"Maybe we should cut this short for tonight?" Kate ask-suggested, not wanting to leave, but also not wanting to make things more uncomfortable than they already were.
Rick grabbed her wrist. "Maybe we should just try sleeping together before we try sleeping together," he said, wiggling his eyebrows lasciviously as he added emphasis to the phrase.
Kate giggled. "Okay," she agreed, falling onto the bed beside him. The covers were rumpled from where he'd been lying, so Rick just pulled them back up over top of them both. Kate slid her head into the crook of his neck and wrapped the hem of his jersey t-shirt around her hand. Rick slid his hand up the back of her oversized tee and caressed the smooth, toned curves of her back. She wrapped a leg around his, and contentedly inhaled his scent of apples and new leather. Rick breathed in her hair, which smelled of cherries and sunshine. He was beginning to drift, thinking of summers in Michigan, when Kate whispered in his ear.
"Are you my boyfriend?" She sing-songed, drawing out the vowels.
"If you're my girlfriend," he answered.
"Okay, Ricky. I'll be your girlfriend. Always."
Rick smiled, and kissed her head. "Always."
Light was just beginning to filter through the curtains in Poe Pond's master suite when Rick's eyes opened on Wednesday morning. Something smelled amazing beneath his nose, and his left side was tingly with numbness. His eyes traveled down his body to the top of Kate's head, her slightly open mouth as she slept, and her body still curled lovingly around his. He slowly eased out from underneath her, replacing his form in her arms with a pillow from his side of the bed. After taking care of business in the bathroom, he crept down the hall to Alexis' room.
Rick slowly turned the knob, and braced his elbow against the jamb so the door wouldn't squeak as he pulled it open. He tiptoed into the east-facing room, already bright and warm with the summer sun. Alexis snorted and rolled over, and Rick smiled as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"Alexis," he whispered. Bringing his hand up, he began rubbing her raised shoulder. "Hey, pumpkin," he murmured.
"Dad?" She asked groggily. He put a hand to her cheek, rosy and hot with sleep, and rubbed his thumb lovingly across the apple.
"Morning," he said.
"Morning," she answered, but her eyebrows were up.
"Can I lay with you?" He asked. "I wanna talk to you about something."
"Okay," she muttered, rolling over so he could slide under her flowered quilt. Rick put his arm around Alexis as she rolled over to rest her head on his chest, comforted by his deep, even breaths. His other hand came up to comb gently through her hair.
"You know you're always gonna be my number one girl, right?" He asked.
"Daddy," she said, with an exasperated tone perfected by teenage girls the world over. "We've had this conversation so many times."
"We have?" He asked, surprised.
"Yes," she groaned, rolling her eyes. "Every time you start dating someone-"
"Oh," he said sadly, the wind leaving his sails.
"I like Kate," Alexis continued. "Do you think-"
"I don't know," Rick cut her off. He shook his head, and then nodded. "But...maybe. Yes. I don't know."
"Okay. Just...when you ask her? Will you let me know?"
"Sure, pumpkin," he answered. "You'll be the first person I tell."
"And...what about Charlie?" Alexis asked quietly.
Rick took in a deep breath. "I've never married a woman who had a child who wasn't mine," he said carefully. "But if Gina had had a child of her own, I would've tried to treat him or her the way I treat you."
Alexis didn't know how to respond to that. She knew that it was the right answer, but it didn't sit right with her. But she knew that her dad would feel guilty if he knew how she was feeling, so she kept it to herself.
"Tell you what," he said. "Why don't we try it out tonight? The four of us, just hangin' out? Gram said she wanted to go to some kind of community theater thing in town that sounds dreadfully boring, so it'll just be us tonight anyway...how about mini-golf and froyo?"
Alexis gave Rick the best smile she could. "Sounds like a blast, Dad."
He grinned widely. "Great! I'll tell Beckett!"
Alexis couldn't help but really smile at her dad's enthusiasm as he skipped out of her room. But once he left, her face fell. She buried her face in the pillow and tried to go back to sleep.
"Maybe it'll all be a dream," she mumbled.
Alexis woke about an hour later to the wonderful scent of turkey bacon wafting upstairs. She rubbed her eyes and padded to the kitchen in her baby blue- and gray-striped long-sleeved henley and matching shorts. Zizi was frying the facon while Rick flipped some fluffy pancakes on the griddle.
"Morning," she said. Zizi said good morning and Rick came around to give her a kiss before going back to his cakes.
"Good morning, all," Martha said as she waltzed in. She took the stool next to Alexis and gave her granddaughter a good morning hug. Alexis smiled at her.
"Gram, do you want some coffee?" Alexis asked, getting up to pour her a mug.
"No, no, Miss Alexis, I'll do it," Zizi corrected. Alexis laughed an apology.
The Castle-Rodgers' were all giggling as Rick tried to flip pancakes from the griddle onto the plates. Then Kate walked into the kitchen, and the room went silent. Alexis watched her father carefully to see how he was going to act, and Martha watched her son and granddaughter carefully, wondering what was going on. Rick watched Kate carefully, and she watched him, each waiting for the other to make the first move. And then, like a switch had been flipped, they simultaneously moved towards each other. Rick dipped and Kate stretched and they met in the middle for a soft, good-morning kiss.
"Good morning," Kate murmured into Rick's lips. "Well, again."
"Yes," he husked. "Good morning again."
Alexis roughly hacked a triangle out of her pancakes with the side of her fork. Martha leaned over to her.
"Everything all right, darling?" She asked.
"Yeah, Gram," Alexis sighed. "Fine."
"Okay," Martha agreed, in a voice that not-so-subtly suggested that she didn't agree at all, and kissed Alexis' head before starting on her own breakfast.
Alexis was determined to not ruin this for her father, regardless of her own feelings. And she felt a little stupid, considering that she had pushed for this whole arrangement in the first place. But, her more childish side countered, that was before she knew that Charlie would actually be in the picture. So what she had initially thought was a good idea was not actually what was happening in reality, so she had a right to be uncomfortable. Right? Right...maybe.
"Where's Charlie?" Rick asked Kate, once everyone had gotten their plates and began to eat.
"I went into her room when I was coming downstairs," Kate said. "I tried to wake her up, and she bit me!"
"Seriously," she said, at Rick and Martha's astonished faces, showing them her lightly bruised hand. "She was still asleep, I think, but she really didn't wanna get up. So I guess she'll be up when she's ready."
"I'm up," Charlie mumbled as she entered the room. "Hi," she said in a gravelly voice. She plopped onto a stool on the opposite side of Kate and rested her head on her arms.
"Are you hungry, Miss Charlie?" Zizi asked her, holding a plate of pancakes and bacon in front of her.
Charlie nodded enthusiastically and moved her elbows so Zizi could put the plate down in front of her. "This is great," she said through a mouthful of food.
Everyone else took that as a cue to continue their own meals.
"Fore!" Rick called, drawing laughter and/or evil glares from other patrons of No Putts About It. His little orange ball bounced across the green and into the tunnel under the windmill.
Rick was the first player to go in their game of golf. Kate had nudged him forward with a teasing, "Age before beauty," when no one else had wanted to go first. The three girls stood behind him and watched as his ball sailed towards the opposite end of the patch of fake grass they had to putt on.
"A little too much wrist there, Castle," Kate observed mockingly.
Rick turned around. "Excuse me, but have you finished this course under par every year for the past fifteen years?"
"No, but-"
"And do you have some experience golfing with professionals who employ strategy in their courses, whether you may be able to tell initially or not?"
"No, but-"
"Ha! Then I would ask that you kindly zip it, and allow me to show you how it is done," Rick said smugly.
Kate stuck out her tongue at him, and made another face when he turned back around.
"He's very serious about putt-putt," Alexis whispered clandestinely.
"Obviously," Kate answered. "He's very serious about his little games in general, though, isn't he?"
"I heard that!" Rick huffed.
The girls giggled quietly to themselves, and let Rick putt.
"Is getting a double bogey part of your so-called strategy?" Kate teased, as Rick walked back to them, head hung in shame.
He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her to him, kissing her passionately and leaving her breathless.
"Ew, guys," Charlie whined.
Ignoring her, Kate gasped, "Wow," after Rick pulled away.
"Ha!" He cackled. "Your turn!"
She whacked him, but without much force. "Jerk," she muttered with a rueful smile.
Alexis and Charlie sat next to each other on a bench, watching their respective parents flirt across the green. They were switching off, and the girls were waiting for Kate and Rick to complete their turns.
"They look happy, don't they?" Charlie said to Alexis.
"Yeah...I guess they do," Alexis answered.
They each placed their chins on a fist and let out a small, sad sigh.