hey, y'all. i'm posting this tonight because tomorrow, i get my wisdom teeth out! and i wanted to make sure you guys got your chapter this week. merry christmas, if you celebrate, and happy holidays to the rest of you!

i'm super un-thrilled with this chapter. it was by far the hardest to write, mostly because it's so angry. i hope you guys like this story enough to push through it and have faith that the next chapter will be less angst-ridden. major tw for talk of sexual and physical abuse.

playlist of pain:

1. little girl blue - diana krall
2. runaway - cartel
3. august moon - gregory and the hawk
4. winter song - the head & the heart
5. carry on - fun.

nothing belongs to me, etc.

toska /ˈtō-skə/ n. 1) ...a dull ache of the soul...the desire for somebody or something specific...

Alexis opened her eyes, but didn't move. She lay there, unblinking, staring at the ceiling of her Tribeca bedroom. She took inventory of the sensations encompassing her. Her pillows cradled her head from all sides. Her body was warm, as she was wearing pajamas and tucked under the covers. Her heart hurt. She felt like she was floating, but not in the good, lovey-dovey, walking-on-air kind of way. It was more of a moonwalk, but her tether to the spaceship had snapped, and she was awash in a black sea with zero gravity and no one around to hold on to.

Ever since they'd returned from the Hamptons last week, Alexis had tried to get some alone time with her dad. But Kate and Charlie had come over for dinner five out of the six nights, and Rick's thoughts were almost always elsewhere. She had promised herself that she wouldn't try to sabotage her dad's relationship with Kate, but she couldn't help herself from feeling jealous and lonely and, most of all, forgotten.

She pulled herself up to a sitting position. "I'm gonna shower and get dressed, and then if he's downstairs, I'll ask if we can go school supply shopping today." Shopping for back-to-school stuff was sure to cheer her up. She didn't need clothes, because Marlowe was a uniform-only school, even for seniors, but her Gram would probably take her shopping for those anyway. But school supplies were always a thrilling thing to get - the right binders and dividers, the perfect pens, the sturdiest pads for notetaking and (sometimes) doodling. And Rick was, more often than not, willing to indulge in all of her idiosyncratic needs.

Feeling relaxed from her shower, and near giddy at the thought of new toys to play with, Alexis dried her hair as she walked downstairs with a spring in her step. Her father sat at the breakfast bar, reading the paper and slowly sipping his coffee.

"Good morning, Daddy," Alexis said sweetly, hopping onto the stool beside him.

"Morning, pumpkin," he responded, setting down the newspaper to smile at his daughter.

"Are you busy today?" She asked.

"Not really," he answered. "Why?"

"Well, as you know, school starts in a few weeks, and-"

"And you'd like ample time to get the perfect school supplies and set them up and pack them in your backpack before then," Rick finished.

"I think you're finally getting it!" Alexis teased.

"Well, if I'm gonna have to go through this torture again, maybe I should call Kate to come with us. You know, Charlie probably needs school supplies too, and it would be nice to have someone to talk to while I'm waiting for you to decide between black and blue ink," Rick mocked.

Alexis' face fell when he mentioned Kate. She didn't even respond to his ink joke. But Rick didn't notice. He grabbed his cell off the table and pressed Kate's name in his phone log.

"Hey, Beckett," he said. "Look, Alexis wants to go school supply shopping, and she's so particular about everything that I usually end up sitting by myself for hours waiting for her to be done, and since Charlie probably needs school stuff too, I figured you two might wanna tag along."

He paused, waiting for her response, and then said, "Okay, sure."

Alexis waited with bated breath, hoping that Charlie would say that she didn't want to come, or that she didn't need anything after all. But her father's face grew tense and concerned as Kate's garbled voice came through the speaker. Alexis wished she understood what was being said, but she was left in suspense as her father said, "I'll be right over," and ended the call.

"Dad, what-"

"I'm sorry, Alexis, but we can't go shopping today. Charlie hasn't gone to school here, and we've gotta find a school for her. I'm sorry," he reiterated as he grabbed his coat and left the loft.

"Yeah, me too," Alexis muttered sadly.

"I cannot believe this," Kate muttered. "How have you not been in school for six months?"

Charlie sat on the couch, watching Kate pace back and forth in front of her. "I mean, what the hell did you think I was doing, spending every day at the precinct?"

Kate opened her mouth to speak again, and then paused. Charlie was right. She should've asked her what was going on. "I...didn't think about it," Kate said lamely.

"Of course not, because the only time you care is when something affects you," Charlie said snidely. "I wasn't your daughter then, so of course it didn't matter."

"Hey!" Kate yelled, voice cracking. "That's not fair."

"Whatever," Charlie sassed. She didn't know where all of this anger was coming from. She didn't want to be in this room, in this building, in this city. She just wanted her family back. She wanted to go back to school with her friends, and not have to deal with any of this drama.

Kate sat in the Eames chair and faced it away from Charlie. Charlie still sat on the couch, knees tucked up under her chin. They sat in silence until there was a knock on the door.

Kate got up to answer the door, and exchanged a look with Rick as she let him in.

"Hi," Rick said to Charlie. She gave him a quick wave.

Rick pulled up a stool and sat next to Kate. "So, we need to find you a school," he said.

"I called Prep, I called WHSAD, I even called Stuy," Kate listed. "But no one will take her without parental approval, and we don't have time to get this all sorted out - we don't even know where Brian Wright is!" She was beginning to hyperventilate, and Rick put a hand on her knee. "I just don't know what else to do," she whispered.

"I'm good friends with Andrew Miller, the headmaster of Marlowe, Alexis' school," Rick began. "I think we could work something out with the school, get Charlie enrolled for this year, just until we can figure something out. Okay?"

"You're gonna do everything you gotta do to get into this school," Kate told Charlie. "Do you understand?"

Charlie just rolled her eyes, and Rick looked over at Kate to see what her reaction was. Kate just set her jaw and looked the other way.

"I'll call Andrew now, and see what we can do." Rick pulled out his phone and walked into Kate's office.

Charlie and Kate felt like they were waiting on pins and needles for Rick to come back into the room. Kate just wanted this whole thing to be over with, so she could lessen her guilt about feeling like an unfit mother. Charlie just wanted everyone to leave her alone. Everything was fine before this whole school thing had come up, and she wanted things to go back to the way they were.

"Okay, Andy," Rick said. "Thank you so much. You don't know how much this helps."

"What do we need to do?" Kate asked nervously.

"He's going to email me a copy of the SSAT study guide. The SSAT is the test you need to take to get into private school," he told Charlie. "It shouldn't be too hard, because it's geared towards middle and high school students. You'll take it at the school on Saturday, with a few other late transfers." He turned to Kate, then. "He'll need a copy of your last bank statement in order to qualify for financial aid."

Kate nodded. "That all sounds fine. Thank you so much, Castle, honest-"

"Not a problem, sweetheart," he murmured.

"Charlie?" Kate questioned pointedly.

"Yeah?" She responded in a nasty tone.

"Don't you wanna thank Rick for everything he's doing for you?"

"You mean for you," Charlie mumbled under her breath. "Thanks, Rick," she said with fake sincerity.

"You're welcome," he answered, pretending not to notice her sarcasm.

They talked logistics for a while, and Rick and Kate set up times to take Charlie to get fitted for her uniforms and to take the girls shopping for school supplies. Charlie sat with an incredibly displeased expression on her face while Kate showed Rick out.

"I'm really sorry about her attitude," Kate whispered in shame. "I don't know what's gotten into her today."

"She's upset. It's understandable. But she doesn't have a choice, and you've got to know that you're doing what's best for her, whether she likes it or not."

"Yeah, I guess so," Kate answered.

"Oh, c'mere," Rick husked, grabbing Kate's hands and pulling her to him. He planted a gentle kiss on her lips, and she smiled into his.

"Thanks, that helped a little."

He mimed tipping his hat. "I certainly hope so! Goodbye," he said.

"See you later, Castle," she said as she closed the door behind him.

Walking back into the living room, Kate put her hands on her hips and stared at Charlie. "What the hell is wrong with you? Rick and I are doing the best we can to make sure that you're going to be okay!"

Charlie fumed, staring daggers back at Kate. "Maybe I was okay before, Kate! Did you ever think about that?"

"How, by not going to school? That's really smart," Kate sniped.

"I don't need this," Charlie screamed. "And I don't need you!" She grabbed her shoes and backpack and stormed out of the apartment.

"Whatever," Kate muttered to herself. The nagging, mom-like voice in her head ordered her to chase after Charlie and bring her back, kicking and screaming if necessary, but the childish part of her blew a raspberry at the mom and ran to her room, so Kate decided to follow suit. Charlie would be back in a few hours, and they could both use some time to cool off.

Alexis Castle was angry. Anger was a very rare emotion for her, and it terrified her. But here she was, cross-legged on her bed, almost boiling with pure, unadulterated rage. The sole cause for her malcontent attitude? Charlie Harris.

Ever since Kate had gotten together with her father, Alexis felt like it was just "Charlie needs this" or "Charlie did that" or "Kate and Charlie are coming over for dinner, so let's make them feel at home," and Alexis was getting sick of it all. She was going into her senior year of high school, and instead of wanting to spend probably the last summer ever palling around like usual, it seemed like Alexis' dad was looking for a new kid to call "Pumpkin."

Maybe it was a product of being an only child of a single (and very wealthy) parent, but Alexis had never been too great at the whole 'sharing' thing. Sure, she went to Kindergarten and everything, but she had to seriously trust someone to allow them to share her Play-Doh. Her notes. Her sandwich. Her father. And truth be told, Alexis still wasn't very good at that last one.

Rick had never really had friends who had kids, so Alexis never had to experience the heartache of watching her father play with someone else's child, or hear him call them cute. She didn't have cousins who got birthday presents from him, and she didn't have any real experience with parental territorialism other than the minor instances in movies and TV. But this was getting out of hand. Alexis was not going to be replaced. The only question was what she was going to do about it.

She pulled out a blank notebook, kept on her nightstand for occasions such as this. Alexis intended to write a stern, but loving, letter to Rick, explaining her feelings of hurt and betrayal and offering a few solutions to remedying the unfavorable situation, at least one of which including a scenario with Charlie alive and present.

She penned the Dear Dad, and teardrops began to blur the ink and warp the note paper she was writing on.

"What am I going to do?"

Charlie felt like she would set on fire at any moment. She was positively percolating with pique, and there was only one person to pin the tail of blame on. Kate, aka the "donkey," aka the ass (because that's what donkeys are called). Charlie was so mad that she only gave a small chuckle at her clever bit of wordplay. All Kate had been doing for the past week was pressuring her to do all the sample problems in the SSAT study guide - cake, really. Mickey Mouse Club stuff - and making her jump through all these hoops to get into some snobby rich kids' academy.

A (small) part of her wanted to find the girl she used to be; Emmie would've been ecstatic to go to such a prestigious and challenging high school, and so excited to absorb all the knowledge she could. She would've been floored by the books, mesmerized by the architecture, and thrilled at the individualized attention paid to each student by their teachers. But Charlie was no longer that idealistic, and no longer easily swayed by pretty things. She was cold, and hard, and did her absolute best to maintain her stiff upper lip and not let anyone see the swirling watercolors beneath her brick exterior. And because of that, she was in this mess.

She didn't say it, but Kate was pissed. And Charlie knew it. She was keenly aware of the split-second glares, the slightly pursed lips, and the tightly clenched jaw that presented in her mother when they were in one of their many meetings with the Headmaster. The prim, well-mannered little girl voice in Charlie's head reminded her to unfold her arms, sit up straight, and maybe smile once or twice, but Charlie had done all she could to block out that voice, because it also told her to tell Kate how she was feeling, and she certainly wasn't about to do that.

Charlie felt upset, and she felt sorry. But her pride made her swallow her tongue, and the soft pastels of injury billowed and blossomed into harsh smudges of insolence and bitterness. Which is why Charlie was sitting up, waiting for the light under Kate's door to go out.

"I've gotta get out of here."

"Hey, Alexis, what do you want for-" Rick called up the stairs. He was cut off by the buzz of his cell phone against the stone surface of the countertop. When a picture of his girlfriend flashed a grin up at him, he slid his thumb across the screen. "Hey, sexy. I was thinking about making some pancakes, do you and-"

"She what?" Castle murmured into the phone. "How long ago?"

"No, of course I'll be right there. See you soon."

Alexis came jogging down the stairs. "What's for breakfast?" She asked with a smile.

"Pumpkin, I have to go over to Kate's."

"Right now?" Alexis asked, eyes sad.

"Charlie's missing."

Alexis' eyes grew wide. "Oh, okay. Do you want me to make something?"

"I don't know if I'll be home any time soon. Why don't you just order food and put something in the fridge for me, okay?" Rick kissed her forehead. "I love you."

"Love you too," she whispered as he left.

"Do you have any idea where she could be? I mean, she can't be far, right? There's only so much you can walk," Rick reasoned.

"She's walked all over this city for months!" Kate exclaimed. "I have no idea what she's capable of. And she must have gone right after I fell asleep, and that was hours ago! Oh, Castle, what have I done?"

"Hey," Rick said softly, cupping Kate's chin in his hands. "This is not your fault."

"She knows I'm mad at her," Kate whispered. "And we haven't talked about it, or anything, in days. We exchange a few words every couple of hours, but we mostly keep to ourselves. That's not how parents and kids are supposed to be, Rick, and I-"

"Give yourself a little credit," Rick consoled gently. "You've been doing the best you can."

"But what if my best isn't good enough?"

"Kate," Rick murmured. "C'mere."

He pulled her back to him, and rested his chin on her shoulder. "We're gonna find her, and we're gonna get through this. Together. Now, can you think of places she has a special connection to, or where she might go to think?"

"Well, I found her at the park," Kate hazarded. "And she might have gone back to the mission."

"Okay, that's great! Those are two places we can start looking. Why don't you go to the park, and I'll head down to the mission. If we don't find her, we'll meet back up and regroup."

Rick felt Kate nod.

"It's gonna be okay, Beckett," he whispered in her ear.

"Okay," she repeated. "Okay."

Charlie rested her forehead against the cool plexiglass of the bus window. "Tenafly, here I come," she whispered.

It had taken almost all the money she had left to buy a round-trip ticket to Jersey and back, but Charlie needed to go home. To see her house, to hopefully pack up the meager belongings she had left, and just say goodbye to it.

She popped in her other earbud and reclined as much as she could in the roughly-upholstered bus seat. Letting the music wash over her, she sailed away in her mind to a calmer place. The full moon shone so brightly through the window that the passenger in front of her pulled down the mesh shade so the glare would soften.

When Charlie stormed out of the apartment the previous weekend, she didn't really know what she was looking for. She just wanted to get away - far away, as far away from Kate as possible. She walked and walked, taking in the sights of the city, until she happened upon the bus station. And then she got an idea.

Still being a person of rather high intelligence and problem-solving skills, Charlie had mulled over her plan all week, weighing the pros and cons, and mentally working out the kinks. In the end, her heart won, and earlier that day she'd gone back to the bus station and gotten a ticket to Tenafly. Her old house was pretty close to a local bus stop, and she reasoned that if Brian was looking for her in New York, he wouldn't ever think she'd have gone back to Tenafly.

She fell asleep about 30 minutes into the two-hour bus ride, and only awakened when the bus jerked to a stop at the Tenafly bus station. She hastily gathered her things, and navigated her way off the bus and through the terminal.

"Welcome home, Em," she murmured.

"Did you find her?" Kate asked breathlessly, having jogged from the park and up the stairs to her apartment when she got a call from Rick.

"I'm so sorry, Beckett," he answered.

Kate let out a sad sigh. "Where else could she have gone?"

Rick hummed in thought. "Is it at all possible that she's not in the city?"

"What? No, that's-" Kate paused suddenly. "Actually, maybe...maybe she went home," Kate mused. "If she thinks Brian's still in the city, she wouldn't have thought twice about going back to Jersey."

"Do you know where she lived?" Rick questioned.

"No," Kate muttered, "but I can find out."

Charlie turned the corner onto her old street. Her face lit up as her heart began to beat faster, and she couldn't help a smile from breaking out onto her face as she walked the familiar path to her home. She was practically skipping along the sidewalk when she skidded to a complete stop in front of a well-manicured lawn. A medium-sized brick house sat atop it, complete with charming shutters and a welcoming green front door.

Charlie's breath caught in her throat, and hot tears stung her nose and eyes. There were two cars parked in the driveway, a tricycle on the porch, and a basketball hoop at the start of the backyard.

Of all the possible outcomes this journey could have produced, some other family living in her house was certainly not one that Charlie had imagined. She hadn't even thought it would be possible - she was supposedly missing, Brian was also missing, and her mother's death was so new, so fresh...wasn't it?

She didn't know how long she'd stood there, but when the sun began to warm the back of her neck, she realized that she needed to relocate in order to remain unseen.

Slowly, she backed away from the house that used to be hers. Then she broke into a run. She ran all the way from Chestnut Street to Huyler Avenue, and ducked into a deserted corner of the bus station to tuck her head between her knees on a bench and sob.

Charlie felt like an elevator in freefall. Her stomach lurched and her shoulders shook with every ragged breath she took, trying to keep herself from total destruction. She buried her mouth against her calf as her cries turned into desperate whines of grief, in an attempt to muffle the pitiful and terrifying noise. All the hairs on her body stood on end, and her throat was on fire from her screams and the post-nasal drip.

She had lost so much already, and this was the last bit of a tie to a memory Charlie had of a happy life. She'd been brought home to that house, she'd taken her first steps in every stage of life in that house - some sweet, some tragically bitter. But nevertheless, it was her house, and it was where her mother had died, and it was where her old life ended and her new one began. That house was everything.

Kate tapped, smacked, and drummed on the steering wheel during the entire 45 minutes it took her to get to the Tenafly bus station. She was about to burst from nervous energy, and she hoped that Charlie would be there when she got there. She knew that Charlie didn't have enough money to take a cab there, and that the bus station was fairly near her house. Crossing her fingers that Charlie either hadn't left yet or had already come back, Kate parked in the lot and ran down to the station entrance.

Frantically, Kate looked all around the grey box of a room. She saw families, homeless people, old people, young people, and people in the middle. But she didn't see Charlie. She decided to do a sweep of the perimeter, checking every face and every nook and cranny to see if she could find her daughter.

Finally, she got to a semi-secluded corner where a huddled figure sat, shaking. Kate looked her over, spotted the bag with the scruffy brown bear ear poking up out of it, and ran over to Charlie.

"Charlie! Charlie, sweetheart," Kate murmured, hugging the bundle of teenager tightly. "Oh, Charlie, I was so worried about you!"

Charlie lifted her head from her knees, cheeks wet and eyes blank. "Hi, Kate," she said in a calm, if slightly soggy, voice.

"Are you okay?" Kate whispered gently, reaching out to stroke Charlie's face and thumb some of the tears away.

Charlie flinched, and Kate jerked her hand away. "I'm fine," Charlie responded. "Did you drive here?"

"Well, yeah, but hon-"

"Can we go home?" Charlie interrupted. "I'm really tired."

Kate was dumbstruck. She wanted Charlie to react to her, be upset or angry or something. Kate was afraid to yell, to scold her daughter for running away - she was convinced that the cold shoulder she'd been giving Charlie was a factor to the running off in the first place. At the same time, she wanted to hold Charlie close and never let her go again. If this is what loving your child felt like, Kate wasn't sure that she wanted to love Charlie very much at all. There was so much pain, seeing her in pain - and so much more knowing that she couldn't do anything about it.

Charlie choked back all of her emotions. She knew that crying about her parents and her home would upset Kate, and she'd been doing enough of that lately. She had realized, on her trip, that she didn't have that life anymore. Emmeline was dead, and she was never coming back. Charlie was the one who was here, now, and Kate was her family. She couldn't waste time or energy mourning what had been - she needed to move on.

Still, there was a sour taste in her mouth as she stared silently out the window of the car. Charlie couldn't tell if it was from the choked back tears, the anger at her lack of a tangible past, or frustration at the fact that Kate was just ignoring her. Charlie felt like a real mom would yell or scream or cry, but Kate was just silent. And Charlie was silent. And any apology or question Charlie came up with just tripped over itself and stuck in her throat. Her mouth felt full of cotton, and her head felt full of sand. She leaned back in her seat and let her eyes flutter closed.

Kate woke Charlie when they pulled up to the building. Slowly, they made their way upstairs together, and Rick was waiting for them when they got to the apartment.

"I'm really tired," Charlie whispered to Kate, again.

"You can go sleep in my room," Kate said, glad for the opportunity to talk to Rick alone.

"Everything okay?" Castle asked worriedly, noting the distance between mother and daughter.

Kate sighed. "Not really," she murmured.

"What's the matter?"

"I can't help but feel like she's lying to me sometimes, Castle." Kate said worriedly.

"How so?"

"It's like she thinks she needs to put on this brave face for me, like I can't handle knowing that she's scared or sad sometimes."

'Now who does that sound like, Kate?' Rick mentally shook his head. "Well, this might not be something you want to hear, but I think she needs to talk to someone. And I don't think that someone is you."

Kate looked crushed, and Rick felt his heart snap in two. She stared up at him, tongue poking slightly out of her mouth. He stopped breathing until she said, "Do you think she doesn't wanna talk to me?" Her voice was smaller than he'd ever heard it, and his arousal was tamped by her obvious insecurity.

"Kate..." His voice broke. "No, that isn't it at all. But you aren't a therapist. She needs someone who is trained to deal with everything that she's been through, who isn't as close to her as you are." Rick could see that she was still hurt, even though she'd turned away. "Think of it...think of it like a case. You know you have to step away from it because you're too close to it. She's your daughter. Hearing her break? Kate, look at me." She brought her eyes up to meet his. They were glassy and vulnerable. He let the gate fall and a tear rolled down his cheek. "Hearing her break will break you. I can't let that happen."

She tried to muster indignance, but she was too tired. Instead, she just let her head drop into his chest. Her right fist balled at the junction between his neck and shoulder, and her shoulders began to shake. Rick wrapped one arm around her back and the other in her hair and let her cry.

"It's gonna be okay, Beckett," Rick whispered. "It's gonna be okay."

Kate didn't know where to start in searching for a therapist, and for once, neither did Rick. She'd only seen a therapist once, at the suggestion of Captain Montgomery, back when she was drowning in her mother's case. So, she placed a call to Dr. Carter Burke to see what he could do.

"Unfortunately, I can't see your daughter," he said, apologetic, but firm.

"Why not?" Kate asked, almost angered by the response.

"Well, for one thing, I only see adults," Carter answered calmly. Kate sat back in her seat, a little deflated. "And for another, I work for the NYPD. I do have a few select other clients, but for the most part, I specialize in police officers suffering from PTSD and other job-related trauma."

"Oh." Kate said flatly. "Well, then, I don't know where to go from here," she said, mostly to herself.

"That isn't to say that I can't help," Carter said quickly. "I do have a few connections in the family and young adult therapy community, all of whom I would recommend most highly, and whose contact information I can provide you with."

"That would be great, Dr. Burke," Kate said sincerely. "Thank you so much."

"Of course," he replied. "I'll send you an email with their names and ways to reach them, alright?"

"Wonderful, thank you!"

"Okay, Detective," Carter said. "I'll be in touch."

"Thanks, have a good day."

"You too," he said before hanging up.

Kate read over the email from Dr. Burke for a third time. She'd called two of the three women he'd recommended for Charlie, and hated both of them. One sounded sickly sweet and patronizing, and the other sounded much too cold and severe. Kate metaphorically crossed her fingers as she dialed the final number.

"This is Beth McKenna," a smooth, soothing voice said on the other line.

"Hi, Dr. McKenna, my name is Kate Beckett. Um, I got your name from Dr. Carter Burke, as a recommendation for a family therapist for my daughter and me?"

"Oh, hi, Detective. Please, call me Beth. Carter told me to expect a call from you. So, why do you want to go to therapy with your daughter?"

"Well, my boy-...partner suggested that she talk to someone to, kind of, help her work through some of the issues that she won't talk about with me."

"Family issues?"

Kate exhaled. "I had her at sixteen and gave her up for adoption. Her parents died, and she ran away, to find me. Now, we're living together. And that's the very much abridged version."

"So do you think that she needs to learn how to trust that you'll be there for her, even though you weren't for most of her life?"

Kate felt like she'd been punched in the gut. "Um-"

"I'm sorry," Beth said with a small laugh. "I'm known for being blunt. I just meant that that is probably what she's thinking."

"Oh," Kate said softly. "Then, yes. But I don't know if that's all."

"Well, that's another facet of my job - to weed out the hidden problems she might be trying her best to hide."

Kate felt really at ease talking to Beth. She was a good balance of to the point and soft, and Kate thought Charlie would respond really well to her. "How soon can we start?"

Charlie sat on the couch across from Beth, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. She was awkward and uncomfortable, not quite knowing what to say. They'd already exhausted the topic of her parents, because she'd told Beth that she didn't want to talk about their deaths. Charlie was very afraid to cry in front of this stranger. She'd been coming in every day for the past week, to get in as many sessions as they could before school started. Sometimes they'd talk about serious stuff, and sometimes they wouldn't talk at all. Sometimes Beth would give Charlie a stack of tarot cards or a lump of Model Magic, and tell her to create. She had a closet full of craft supplies, from feathers and foam to pipe cleaners and pom poms. Charlie'd made murals, collages, puzzles, pictograms, and even a sculpture entirely out of hot glue pebbles. Charlie knew Beth's favorite movie, book, color, and vacation spot. But there were many things Charlie knew she needed to get out, but didn't know how to say.

"I've been to therapy before," Charlie blurted out, suddenly claustrophobic from the silence.

Beth looked up from her notebook. She smiled. "I know."

"How?"

"Your mom told me," Beth answered succinctly. "How did you feel about that?"

Charlie looked conflicted, and struggled with herself for a moment. "I didn't like it."

Beth waited, face open and expressionless, but warm.

"He made me go."

"Who did?" Beth asked.

"My...my stepfather. He told my mom that I was crazy, that I was violent. He told her..." Charlie was gathering steam, getting angry. Beth smiled softly to herself. "He told her that I had hit on him! Like I would ever...and she believed him! And then he-"

Charlie went ghost pale. "He said I couldn't-"

Beth swallowed the lump in her throat that warned her what was coming. She took a stab in the dark. "Charlie. I know he told you that you could never tell anyone. But you have to trust me. I cannot share anything you tell me without your consent, or at least your knowledge."

"He did."

"He who? Your therapist?"

"Dr. Wallace. Albert. He told Brian that I-" Charlie swallowed hard.

"Charlie, I really want to help you. But I can't if I don't know what's wrong." Beth was calm, and she talked softly. Charlie stared at her. Albert always crossed his legs, and he had tiny wire-framed glasses that he peered at her over. He was cold, and always cut her off or twisted her words.

She examined Beth carefully. Beth had been sitting with one leg clutched to her chest and the other dangling off the edge of the chair, but when Charlie stopped speaking, she'd gotten down on Charlie's level. Her legs were loose, and her elbows rested on her knees. She wasn't super young, but her face had a youthful softness that comforted Charlie.

Beth's brown eyes were kind, non-judgemental, and were wise enough to make Charlie trust her. But Charlie was ashamed. She broke eye contact and stared down at her jeans.

"He told Brian that I told. I told him what Brian had been doing to me."

"And what was that, Charlie?" Beth continued to look calmly at Charlie, who's eyes were glued to her lap.

"He started when I was eleven. He married my mom when I was ten, and at first, he just scared me. But he started...abusing her a few months into the marriage. And then, when I turned eleven, he turned on me too."

"Charlie, can you look at me, please?" Charlie lifted her head slowly to meet Beth's eyes. "Did Brian ever touch you, or make you do something to him that you didn't want to do?"

Her eyes filled with tears, and they spilled out onto her cheeks. She nodded, now unable to look away.

"Can you tell me what?"

"He...he taught me how to give him a blow job. And he r-raped me, a couple of times. But mostly he just hit me and made me blow him. Sometimes..." She paused to breathe in deeply. "Sometimes he'd touch my boobs."

Charlie stopped speaking, and Beth stood. She walked over to the table and handed Charlie the box of tissues. Charlie nodded gratefully through her tears and pulled out a handful and rubbed at her face.

"I know it was hard to get that all out, Charlie, and I just want you to know that I am so proud of you." Beth knelt, and stared at Charlie with an incredibly earnest expression on her face. Eventually, Charlie met her gaze, and offered up the most whole-hearted smile that she could muster. "I really appreciate you telling me all this, Charlie. Really, I do. It shows me that you trust me, and it shows me how brave you are."

"Thanks," Charlie muttered, still dabbing her eyes and nose.

"And I want you to know something," Beth continued, nodding in understanding of Charlie's reply. "I will always be upfront with you about things you're responsible for, okay?"

Charlie bobbed her head. "I know, and I appreciate that. You don't bullshit."

"Exactly." Beth grinned, then sobered again. "But I want you to try and understand that none of this was your fault, alright? You were taken advantage of, and that's not right. It's inappropriate and horrific and I am so, so sorry that it happened to you."

Charlie's tears had been beginning to subside, but now they were back in full force. Beth gazed at her softly.

"Why do you still look like the world is ending, huh?"

Charlie's face crumpled, and it took a minute of her face being buried in her knees before she could poke her head out enough to be understood. "I just want a hug right now," was all she could manage before her voice broke and she started to sob again.

"Well, sweetheart, lucky for you, our time is up for today. I know a certain Kate out there in the waiting room who'd be more than happy to oblige you."

Beth stood, stretched, and led Charlie to the door. The girl had tried to collect the small white mountain of balled-up Kleenex she'd amassed, but Beth waved her off.

Beth opened the door for her and ushered her into the small vestibule. "I'll see you next week, Charlie." She gave the girl a warm pat on the shoulder before Charlie turned the knob and stared tearfully into her mother's eyes.

"Charlie?"

Charlie didn't say anything, but shuffled towards the woman she'd come to trust implicitly, and maybe even love, over the past couple of months. Kate locked eyes with Beth over Charlie's head, and Beth just mouthed "hug" before closing the door to her office. Kate did as she was told, but only got so far as stretching her arms out wide before Charlie took the opportunity and practically leapt into Kate's arms, gripping the back of her blazer tightly and sobbing into her shoulder.

Kate seemed to know then exactly what was needed of her, because she didn't say a word. She just held on tightly to her daughter and let the warmth of her body and the strength of her hold do all the talking. She occasionally bent her head and pressed kisses to Charlie's hair, but mostly she just held and rocked her while Charlie cried it out.