today is the one year anniversary of me posting this story, and in celebration, i have a new chapter for you guys. as many of you know, i have been working on this story off and on for the better part of three years, and it means a lot to me that you have stuck with it all this while.

though i have changed the rating of this story to mature, i still feel it necessary to mention that there is sexual content in this chapter. also, tw for dubious consent and talk of abuse.

love you all.

easy listening:

1. so glad you're here - sam phillips
2. hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me - u2

zygote /zī-gōt/ n. Bio. the initial cell formed when two gamete cells are joined by means of sexual reproduction. In multicellular organisms, it is the earliest developmental stage of the embryo.

They heard the shot go off.

Everybody did; Kate knew that. From the Captain and the Sergeants to the greenest of rookies, they had all been trained to recognize a gunshot — to know how far off it was, to tell the difference between a real gunshot and a backfire or a tape…and so Kate knew that this shot was unequivocally real.

"Kate," Rick said in her ear. She thought maybe he was going to warn her, or stop her from going, but he didn't. He merely said, "C'mon," and kissed her hard and fast across the mouth.

She darted in front of him, gun drawn, down the alley. Ryan and Epso were leading separate teams down the side exits to block any possible routes of escape open to Wright. Adrenaline pumped in her veins, and she almost stopped to vomit once, but time was running out.

And then, all Kate could see was blood. Her feet automatically avoided the wet and sticky puddles of red, and she wretched unconsciously as she saw a girl lying on the dirty asphalt.

"Charlie! Charlie, baby, c'mon baby. C'mon, Charlie!" Someone was screaming her daughter's name. Who was there? They sounded so near, and they sounded so wounded - and then, Kate realized, it was her that was screaming.

Charlie was almost unrecognizable, her face purple and swollen. She was wearing a sleeveless blue nightie, with ribbons and ruffles and lace, and Kate's first instinct was to wrap the girl in a sweater.

"Excuse me, ma'am, excuse me," Kate heard as she was shoved out of the way by an incoming gurney and troop of EMTs.

"Kate, c'mere," Rick was whispering. But Kate didn't want to come here. Kate wanted to be there, with Charlie.

"I know you do, but we have to let the medics do their jobs, okay?"

Had she said that out loud? Kate didn't have any idea what was real and what was not.

"I wanna ride with her," Kate said firmly. Rick nodded, and Kate looked away from him so she wouldn't see the worry and fear in his eyes.

Rick gave Kate a gentle push towards the ambulance, and Kate jogged over to where her daughter was being loaded into the bay of the vehicle.

"I'm Detective Kate Beckett," she said, with more conviction than she felt. "I'm her mother."

"I'm sorry, Detective," a young, dark-haired man answered with apologetic eyes. "Your daughter's not — she's gonna be alright, but we need to have space to move around back here. I can't let you ride with us."

"But I'm—"

"I'm sorry," the man said again, and one of his partners slammed the doors of the truck and they began to speed away, whirring and whining and flashing as they did.

Kate stood there, shivering, but the cool November air wasn't what was causing her to shake. A pair of large, warm hands rubbed up and down her shoulders, and pulled her to their chest.

"C'mon, Beckett," Rick whispered, his voice cracking. "Let's go."

"We've got a white female, approximately fifteen years of age, with a GSW to the lower abdomen — she appears to be hemodynamically stable, but I need 150 CCs of saline and lots of gauze, okay? Let's try to staunch the flow!"

Everything was red lights and noise, and Charlie was fading fast. Her eyes tried to stay open, but kept fluttering closed, as if even that strain was too much for her weakened body to bear. Something was strapped to her face, and there was a sharp pain in her throat and arm in addition to her abdomen.

"Hi," a soft voice poked into Charlie's haze. She felt his grip around her limp hand. "My name is Max."

Charlie forced her eyes to roll in his direction. Vaguely, she could make out dark floppy hair and a glinting smile.

"I have a sister about your age," he said. "Her name is Hannah. She's on the debate team at her school, and she's really tough. You remind me of her. I think you're really tough too."

Charlie almost didn't hear him as he continued.

"You're going to make it. I'm gonna hold on to you, and you're gonna make it. Just keep listening to my voice, and don't give in. You can't let them win, okay? Just hold on to me, and don't let them win."

Charlie's lips formed an 'o' as she thought to herself, 'I won't.'

The next thing Charlie registered fully was the sound of someone moaning. They sounded raspy and tired and very much in pain. She felt sorry for them, but at the same time, she kind of wished they'd shut up.

"Shh, baby," someone else whispered, and the moaner whimpered. "Shh, baby, you're gonna be alright."

It was then that Charlie realized the moans were coming from her. "What...?" She wanted to ask what happened, but she couldn't keep her eyes open and her tongue felt desperately heavy and thick.

"Mom's here, I'm here," Kate said. Charlie's brain cleared enough to recognize her mother's voice.

"Ma…what…" she repeated. "What…hap—"

"Shh, Charlie. Don't push yourself right now. You're safe, and I'm here. I'm so glad you're awake, baby."

Charlie's eyes were still closed, but the scent of her mother grew stronger and Charlie knew that Kate was leaning towards her. The softest of kisses at the edge of her brow confirmed it.

"Hurts," Charlie whined quietly. It did. Every part of her body — from toes to nose — ached with ferocity. Her stomach, though, was in the most pain, feeling raw and sore and tight. Charlie knew she'd been shot, but had no frame of reference as to how that might feel. Her answer, now, was very not good.

"I know," Kate murmured. "Let's help with that." Charlie heard a soft click, and then felt her body flood with sleepy heat. She sighed, a little, both contented and uncomfortable, and let herself be tugged back under by the morphine.

Charlie finally opened her eyes to darkness. She blinked, disoriented, and stared silently at the ceiling until her vision adjusted. She was in a hospital room, empty and cold, and her mother was no longer sitting next to her. But someone else was.

"Martha?" Charlie tried to ask. But her voice was thick and raspy. Her throat felt very dry, and she longed for a glass of water, but even the thought of moving made her feel sick. "Gram?"

The older woman glanced up from her magazine. Charlie could see that the skin around her eyes was pink, and the normally put-together woman was looking a bit haggard and lost.

"Oh, Charlie!" Martha's voice was filled with affection and relief, and she pulled one of Charlie's hands to her lips and kissed it. "How do you feel, darling?"

"Still hurts," Charlie admitted. "Less groggy, though."

Martha nodded. "You were pretty loopy when you woke up before."

"Mom told you?" Charlie asked with a blush.

"No, when you woke up in the recovery room." At Charlie's blank look, Martha elaborated. "You were saying all sorts of things about gummy bears and sailboats and who knows what," she remembered with a grin. "You were in a lot of pain, though."

"Yeah," Charlie agreed.

"Do you need more medication?" Martha asked with concern.

"Not right now," Charlie insisted. She was still in a lot of pain, but she was tired of sleeping. She also knew that Kate and Rick and everyone would want to see her awake — she certainly wanted to see them. "Where's my mom?"

Martha inhaled. "She, Richard, and Alexis went to get some dinner in the cafeteria. They should be back soon."

"Oh," Charlie said quietly. "Okay."

She didn't know what she was feeling. Just yesterday morning — had it really been that recently? — she'd been fully prepared to leave and never return. She hadn't, of course, expected Brian, nor had she expected any of what had happened. She'd let her guard down since she'd been with Kate and the Castles, and that scared her. What if they left her?

Charlie didn't have much more time to dwell on those thoughts, though, because her mother and Rick were coming through the door to her room, chatting lightly about nonsense over steaming styrofoam coffee cups.

"Charlie!" Kate said happily, coming over to sit at the head of her bed. "When did you wake up?"

"A few minutes ago," Charlie said, wanting to shrug but feeling like she could barely breathe at this point.

"Martha," Kate hissed accusingly. "Why didn't you call us?"

"There wasn't enough time," Charlie placated. "It's not Gram's fault. Literally, I woke up like less than ten minutes ago."

Kate frowned, then smiled at her mother-in-law apologetically. Martha patted her shoulder, and vacated her chair so her son could have it.

"Where is Alexis?" she asked Rick.

"She had to make a call. Perhaps the two of you should catch a cab, Mother. It's getting late."

"Of course, Richard. I'll go find her. Goodnight, Charlie," Martha said fondly, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "Get some rest."

"All I've been doing is resting," Charlie complained. But then she yawned, and the adults had to laugh. "Goodnight, Gram," she said, a faint blush pinking her cheeks.

Kate and Rick bid Martha goodbye as well, and asked her to send Alexis in before they left. Martha agreed and took her leave. And then, there were three.

There was silence for a while, as no one quite seemed to know what to say. "I don't know whether to scold you or smother you with kisses," Kate finally got out, tears filling her eyes. "Dammit, Charlie, what the hell were you thinking? He could've-" she cut off, shaking, and Charlie blinked quickly.

Rick wrapped a comforting arm around his wife, turning her into his chest, and shot Charlie a sympathetic glance. "We're incredibly relieved you're not hurt worse," he said softly. "It would've destroyed us had anything happened to you."

Charlie tried to smile, but she couldn't feel much of anything at the moment. She just felt...numb. She tried to allow herself to cry, as she had months ago in the Hamptons, but no tears would come.

"We love you so much, baby," Kate whispered in her ear. In the time Charlie had been trying to force collapse, her mother had collected herself. Kate's cheeks were wet, but she wasn't crying anymore. She pressed a gentle kiss to Charlie's cheek, and then another.

Then she sat back, looking at Charlie expectantly.

"I know," was all Charlie could think to say.

"Good." Kate replied.

Her mother leaned over again, as if to give Charlie a hug, but even the thought of someone coming in contact with her chest sent Charlie's ribs and stomach screaming. She screwed up her face in pain, and Kate leapt back.

"Are you hurting?" she asked worriedly.

"Mmm," Charlie moaned. There was a click, same as when Kate had been with her before, and the pain was slowly replaced by heat. "Thanks," she murmured.

"You should've said something sooner," Kate scolded lightly. "You don't have to suffer through this."

Charlie couldn't say that it wasn't just her body that was hurting. It was her soul, too.

Charlie was making progress — physically, at least. She was able to walk from the bed to the bathroom and back, and she was staying awake and pain-free for longer stretches of time each day. It was a Thursday, nearly two weeks into her hospital stay, that all things were turned on their heads.

In the first week, Kate had spent every night by Charlie's side. She'd taken off work, and practically lived with Charlie in the hospital room. But Charlie had been distant, tending towards cold, and wasn't interacting much with anybody on a deeper level. When Kate mentioned to Charlie that she might return to work soon, Charlie had nodded and said she should probably start sleeping at home as well. Kate was a little hurt, but figured Charlie no longer needed her.

In the second week, the nightly visits were shorter and shorter, as Charlie found less and less to talk to Kate and Rick about. But on Thursday, Kate walked into a surprise.

"Happy birthday, Mom!" Charlie had shouted, with various iterations on the theme spoken by Martha, Rick, Alexis, Lanie, Esposito, Ryan, and Ryan's fianceé, Jenny. There was a bouquet of balloons on Charlie's bedside table especially for Kate, the others in the room having been 'get well' gifts for Charlie. But they all added to the cheer of the space, and everyone donned party hats and ate cake in honor of Kate Beckett.

Kate was sitting by Charlie's bed, laughing at a story Esposito was telling, when there was a tap on her shoulder. She turned around, and her face lit up. "Dad!"

"Happy birthday, my Katie girl," Jim said. She got up, and they hugged.

"Oh, I'm so glad you're here," she said. He'd come to visit when Charlie first got shot, but he'd had to go away on business. At sixty-one — nearly sixty-two — Kate thought he was getting a bit too old to have a job that required so much travel. But Jim wouldn't hear of an early retirement, and Kate knew that work kept him from drinking, so she didn't mention it much. She wasn't expecting him back from his trip in time for her birthday, though. "How are you here?"

Jim grinned. "A little birdie told me, in no uncertain terms, that I should be back by the seventeenth or suffer the consequences."

"Pops, you can't give away all my secrets!" Charlie groaned.

At that, he came to kiss his granddaughter hello. "And how are you, my dear?" he asked her.

Charlie, finally able to shrug, did so. "I'm fine. You?"

"Very well, now that I'm with my family." He gave her cheek a fond pat.

She smiled at him, and Kate noticed with a twinge of discomfort that it was the most real smile she'd seen from Charlie in weeks. It wasn't that she didn't want Charlie to love her grandfather — absolutely she did — but Kate worried that she'd done something wrong to make Charlie upset with her.

Rick must have noticed the look on her face, because he asked her, "Everything okay, Beckett?"

She nodded briefly. "Yeah. Just a strange thought."

But Kate was now on high alert, and suddenly, everything Charlie did or said was suspect. The way her lips pinched slightly before she spoke, the way her eyes sometimes lost focus in the middle of a story. Charlie was not okay, no matter how much better she was doing in PT. And that made Kate terrified.

Eventually, people started trickling out, citing early mornings or long days as their outs. Soon, only the family proper was present, Jim having left due to jet lag. Martha, noticing Kate's expression, hustled Alexis and Rick out of the room after hasty goodbyes, and left Kate and Charlie to talk privately.

"Thank you for tonight, Charlie," Kate said quietly. "And thank you for getting your Pops to come, that was…an incredible gift."

"I told him that seeing as I'm stuck in bed, I couldn't exactly get you a real present," Charlie said, twisting the blankets between her fingers. "So I figured he'd be the next best thing."

Kate smiled. "Oh, sweetheart, he's ten times better than anything you could've bought me at a store. But if you want to get me another present, you know what you could do?"

Charlie's ears perked, though she feigned disinterest. "What?"

"You could let me and Rick have Beth come in."

"No! God, I told you guys, I don't need to talk to anyone in the hospital!"

Every time that Kate or Rick had proposed the idea of having a special session in Charlie's room with Beth, Charlie had flipped out. This time was no exception.

"Charlie, please," Kate begged, eyes glistening with tears. "You're hurting, and I just want to help you. I hate to see you hurt."

"Well, I got shot in the stomach, so I'd say I'm gonna hurt for a while," Charlie sniped.

"I meant on the inside," Kate pressed. "I know what Brian did — god, Charlie, I know what he did to you, and I know he's done it before, but that doesn't make a difference in how you feel about it! He violated you, and he...he beat you, and there was nothing I could do about it. So I won't stand idly by while you destroy yourself!"

"I don't want to talk about it," Charlie bit out, teeth barely moving.

"I know, but I don't care! Dammit, Charlie, do you honestly think we can't tell how upset you are?"

The look of shock on Charlie's face gave Kate her answer, however quickly the shock was masked by indifference. "Whatever," she muttered.

"No, Charlie, not whatever. This is serious, and you are important to us. To all of us. We thought for a while there that we'd lost you forever, and we never want to lose you again. So please, do this for us."

Charlie stared at her hands, and Kate saw a tear trickle down her cheek, and then another. One plopped on her folded fingers. "I was going to leave," she whispered. "I mean, when I left, I meant it to be for good."

"I know," Kate said sadly. "But why?"

"Because! Because, because I—" Charlie's tears made it impossible for her to continue, and Kate didn't even think she wanted her to. Kate wrapped her arms around her daughter's shaking shoulders, hushing her and kissing her and wiping her tears.

When Kate finally came out of Charlie's room, only Rick was waiting for her.

"I'm sorry," she began, but he shushed her.

"It's okay, birthday girl," he answered.

"Birthday woman, Castle," Kate quipped.

Rick kissed her lightly and took her home.

The lights were all out in the loft, so Kate and Rick were very quiet as they crept through Rick's office to the bedroom. Once they'd shut the door, Rick flicked on a dim lamp so they could at least see a little while they got ready for bed.

As Kate unbuttoned her blouse, she couldn't stop feeling this pit of terror growing in her belly. She kept trying to convince herself that the worst of it was over, that Charlie was fine — or would be. But she couldn't.

"Rick," she said, voice cracking.

"What's the matter? Kate?"

"Rick," she said again, grabbing his open shirt tightly in one fist once he was close enough to reach. "I need to feel you. Please."

He came closer still, their bare chests meeting as Rick pulled Kate into him. But that didn't stop her fear. So she kissed him. One hand in his hair, the other around his neck — still not good enough. The hand on his neck trailed down to his collar, and then shoulder; she pushed off his shirt and slid out of her own, unhooking her bra and tossing that aside, too. Her kisses had since moved down to his decollate and pecs, and she dropped to her knees so that his belt was at eye-level.

"Kate," Rick gasped, but Kate shushed him. She unbuckled and unzipped his pants, pushing them down to his ankles, and then stood and dropped her own pants so they were even once again.

"Bed," she ordered, and pulled Rick over. His hands went to her waist as she rolled on top of him, back to hungrily kissing every inch of exposed flesh she could find.

Kate was an animal. She had stopped feeling anything but lust, and was now set on one goal and one only — mating.

She groaned as Rick's hands wandered from her waist to her ass, and he slid his fingers teasingly into the waistband of her panties.

"Just take 'em off," she growled.

"As you wish." Rick did oblige, and Kate returned the favor. There was nothing standing in her way, now.

"Oh god," Kate said, throwing her head back. "Put it in, Rick."

"But, Kate—"

"Castle, just do it!"

Instead of waiting for him though, Kate guided his penis to her opening and thrust herself down.

"Kate, no—"

But Kate was too far gone to listen.

"Apples, Kate, app-oh, god," Rick moaned. Kate felt his energy drain as he orgasmed, and she let him pull himself free of her. But Rick didn't come to lie beside her for a while like he normally did after they had sex. As soon as he mustered the strength, he walked into their bathroom and shut the door.

"Castle?" Kate called quietly, feeling incredibly rejected. "Rick?"

He opened the door after a minute, looking sorry but still mad. "Kate, I wasn't wearing a condom."