i worked so freaking hard to write this and get it up in time for christmas, and then yesterday ff net wouldn't let me access my account. ugh. merry belated christmas, if that's your thing, and a very happy new year!

merry music:

1. peppermint winter – owl city
2. bully – lissie
3. threshold – anna waronker (as hayley blue)
4. dance of the sugar plum fairy – tchaikovsky
5. for the civil – katie gavin

cardioid /kärdēoid/ n. Math. a heart-shaped curve traced by a point on the circumference of a circle as it rolls around another identical circle.

THREE WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS

"Welcome home, Charlie!" Kate and Rick each had arms wrapped around Charlie's shoulders as she limped into the loft. She was still healing, and would have to continue to take things more slowly than usual, but a month in the hospital had made her anxious to resume normal life.

Martha and Alexis were blowing horns and waving streamers like Charlie was the Queen of England. Kate and Rick led her over to the couch, and Charlie relaxed into the cushions with a quiet sigh. She hated being so dependent.

"Now that we're all home, we can start planning for Christmas," Rick said excitedly.

Charlie looked over at her mom, and Kate's wary expression was the same one that she was wearing.

"Well, we need to find a tree – and fast, before all the good ones get picked over," Alexis said. "The garland is on its way, and we have all the ornaments in boxes somewhere...who's going to get the new one this year?"

"I thought maybe Kate and Charlie might each pick one, since it's their first Christmas with us," Rick offered, looking at the two of them.

"Okay," Kate said after a beat. Charlie nodded her agreement.

"And Mother, are you still in charge of choreography?" Rick asked.

"Yes, darling, absolutely!"

"Choreography for what?" Charlie asked.

"Mother and I always put on the Nutcracker at Christmas when I was a boy," Rick said. "Now we have Alexis as Clara, me as the Nutcracker, and Mother as the Mouse King - and several other parts," he finished with a wink.

Charlie bit her lip. Last Christmas, she'd been on the run. Her mother had died before Thanksgiving. And Thanksgiving this year hadn't been a big deal, because she was still in the hospital – Kate, Rick, Martha, and Alexis had brought food to her there, and they'd had a rather subdued meal together. But Christmas...Christmas seemed to mean so much more. The ornaments and decorations that she and her brothers had made as children – the cookies and carols and cocoa – being together, with the whole family. Of course, Charlie had a family now. But that didn't lessen the sting of not having the other people she held dear.

"Mom, I'm kind of tired," Charlie said softly. "Can you help me upstairs?"

She hated asking, but Charlie really wanted to get her mom alone.

"Oh, yeah, of course," Kate said quickly. "You need help getting up?"

Charlie braced her hands on the edge of the cushion, trying not to clench her abdomen as she rose stiffly from sitting to standing.

"Ow," she whimpered quietly.

"Good job, baby," Kate praised in her ear. Charlie leaned against her mom, already feeling fatigued, and together they hobbled towards the stairs.

"Goodnight, Charlie!" Martha and Rick called. It took Kate and Charlie a while, but they managed to go up both sets of steps and down the hall to Charlie's room.

Charlie tried not to blush as Kate unbuttoned her shirt and took off her pants. It was difficult for Charlie to bend over, and so her nurses – and now her mom – had been helping her dress and undress.

"You wanna take off your bra?" Kate asked. Charlie went bright red. "Wait, here," Kate said, pulling a large t-shirt out of a drawer. "Put this on, and then take your bra off."

"It's like gym class or something," she muttered uncomfortably. Kate laughed.

"Yeah, I know it's weird. I'm sorry."

Charlie shook her head, having pulled it free through the neck of the shirt. "No, I mean, it's fine. I appreciate it, it's just…"

"Yeah, I know."

Charlie didn't really think that Kate did know, but she didn't feel like fighting. She was tired. Leading her to the bed, Kate pulled back the covers and helped Charlie slide underneath them.

"Hey, Mom?" Charlie asked, as Kate was fussing with the blankets. "Can I talk to you?"

"Of course, sweetheart," Kate said, setting herself on the edge of the bed. "What's up?"

"I just…about Christmas. I know it's a really big deal to Rick and everybody, but, it's just – it's hard. Without my family."

Charlie looked down, afraid to see the hurt or rejection on Kate's face. But Kate tipped her chin up. All Charlie could see was…understanding.

"Oh, honey, I know," Kate said. There were tears in her eyes, and Charlie felt guilty.

"Yeah, right, of course you do, that was dumb of me," Charlie babbled.

"No, Charlie, listen to me," Kate instructed. "You and I both have lost a lot in our lives. You, especially, have lost more than anyone should ever have to. But maybe…maybe this is our chance to start fresh. I'm not saying…nothing is ever going to replace my mom for me, and I would hope that nothing could ever replace your family. But at least for me, being here with you – finally, with you – and Rick and Martha and Alexis…I feel almost whole again," Kate said. "Christmas is still hard, and there are still ways that I cope with that hardness. But maybe it's time for some new traditions, too."

Charlie said nothing. If she was being honest with herself, she still didn't feel entirely welcome in the Castle-Beckett-Rodgers household. All she really wanted for Christmas was acceptance – for this house to feel like the Castle-Beckett-Rodgers-Harris household. And, maybe, some new shoes.

TWO WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS

"Skate, Kate, skate!" Rick yelled. He had fallen on his ass after about twenty seconds in the rink, so he was now sitting out with Charlie and watching the other women skate. Kate, contrary to her word, was a fine skater, and Alexis and Martha were tag-teaming rings around the other patrons. Charlie looked over at him.

"I know you fell on purpose," she said flatly.

"What? I would never!" Rick asserted, pressing a hand to his heart in faux-dismay.

Charlie rolled her eyes. "I don't mind sitting out, honestly. I was never much for athletics. I've got cocoa, and my music…I'm good. You can go have fun."

"Charlie," Rick said, seriousness overtaking him. "I am having fun, here with you. And I'm sorry we didn't choose an activity that everyone can participate in."

"Well, shopping was a bust because I can't stay standing for too long," Charlie said. "And we have baked ourselves to a crisp. It was either this or watching movies, and I needed some air."

"Fair enough," Rick replied, scooting closer to her. "Tell me something. What do you think I should get your mom for Christmas?"

"You know her better than I do, Rick," Charlie said. "Have you asked her?"

"Yes, but she told me not to get her anything," Rick said with a sigh.

"Well, that's a lie."

"Yes, that's what Mother said."

"Good, so we're on the same page. Hmm," Charlie thought. "Maybe she'd like something that lets her know that, you know, even though she's a part of your family now, you still know that she misses her mom. Something to honor both parts of her."

Rick smiled softly. "Why are both my daughters so much smarter than I am?"

Charlie blushed. It was the first time that Rick had really referred to her as his kid, and instead of making her feel uncomfortable, it made her feel…fuzzy. Loved. She reached an arm up and squeezed him around the middle.

"I dunno, Ricky," she said. "Good genes, I guess."

Rick kissed her temple, and then sneezed. He'd gotten a nose full of woolen beanie, and it made him itchy.

"Now, what are you asking Santa for?" Rick asked, wiggling his eyebrows at her.

Charlie giggled. "Santa doesn't exist," she reminded him.

"Well, certainly not if you act that way!" He feigned horrified offense. "Maybe all you'll get is coal in your stocking."

"Alright, fine. There's a pair of shoes I've been eyeing…a few pairs, actually," Charlie admitted. "And maybe some books."

"Well, you'd better make a list," Rick warned. "Or Santa might just forget that you live here now."

Charlie rolled her eyes again, but she was grinning.

"Hey, slowpokes," Kate appeared at the wall, cheeks rosy with exertion and cold. "Whatcha talkin' about?"

"Nothing!" they said in unison. Kate raised an eyebrow.

"Sure," she said, not convinced at all. "Listen, would you guys be ready to go kind of soon? I'm not feeling so great," Kate said, grimacing.

"Yeah, of course," Rick said. "Do you want me to—"

"Whoo, kiddos! Mama is iced out," Martha called, skating over and pulling Alexis behind her.

"Great," Rick said. "We were just talking about leaving. Alexis, are you ready?"

Alexis nodded. "Sure," she answered. "Just let me get my skates off."

All the skaters sat on the bleachers to remove their boots and put their street shoes back on. They went to the kiosk to return their rentals, and then walked away from the plaza.

"You just wanna go home, Beckett?" Rick asked quietly.

"If that's okay," she answered, looking a little green.

"Always," Rick said, kissing her cheek.

ONE WEEK UNTIL CHRISTMAS

"Charlie, can I talk to you?" Alexis knocked gently on the doorframe, and Charlie looked over. She had her earbuds in, and was relaxing in her room after a long day of PT, homework, and therapy.

"Um, yeah, sure," Charlie answered, popping out the buds and pausing her music.

Alexis came over and sat on the edge of the bed. She folded her hands in her lap and stared at them, like she didn't know what to say. "I know things have been…weird between us, ever since the wedding," she began quietly. Charlie wanted to snort, but stayed silent. "And I just wanted to apologize for that, I guess, and for blaming you for my dad getting married. I mean," Alexis sighed, blowing back a piece of hair from her face. "He's been married before – to my mom, and then to his publisher. But I'm my mom's only kid, and Gina doesn't have any, so it wasn't really different from it being me and him. You know, I did stuff on my own, and he did stuff on his own, but we always came together at the end of the day. But with you – with us – it's like…"

Charlie bit her lip, but Alexis continued. "I was just jealous, I guess. I felt like, because you don't…have a dad, anymore, that you'd want to take mine away. I never thought that maybe you were just as scared as I am. Maybe even more," Alexis added. "And I wanted to talk to you in the hospital, but I was…I felt responsible, for you leaving, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Alexis said.

Charlie nodded. "I think I get where you're coming from," she said finally. "And I'm not saying – this doesn't fix everything, how can it, but maybe…maybe this is a fresh start, for both of us. Goodwill towards women," Charlie said with a lopsided smirk.

Alexis leaned in, gently wrapping her arms behind Charlie's shoulders. Charlie was stiff at first, and then brought her hands up to pat Alexis' lower back.

"Thank you, Charlie," Alexis said, voice muffled in Charlie's sweater.

"Sure," Charlie answered.

"So," Alexis started, after an awkward pause. "What, um, what were you listening to?"

Charlie flushed. "Don't laugh – I was listening to Blue Pill."

Alexis' mouth fell open. "Are you kidding? Hayley Blue was one of my favorite singers – well, still is, actually. You know, Dad and Beckett actually worked her murder case," Alexis said, pulling her knees up to sit cross-legged on the bed.

"Seriously?" Charlie asked, impressed. "That's – I mean, it's awful, but…did they get to meet Sky?"

"Yeah, she's really sweet," Alexis nodded. "Your mom and my dad helped her get clean, and take Hayley's place as lead for the memorial tour." Alexis sat back thoughtfully. "What song are you listening to?"

"Well, Blue Pill isn't really my scene, normally," Charlie admitted. "I'm much more of a Camera Obscura, Au Revoir Simone, Matt & Kim, Architecture in Helsinki, indie-folk-electronica kind of girl," Charlie laughed at Alexis' blank look. "Anyway. The last song she did, before she…it really means a lot to me."

Alexis bit her lip and nodded, eyes downcast. "Threshold," she murmured. "Can I listen?"

Charlie nodded, and passed over an earbud. Alexis put it in, and Charlie pressed play.

People change, and instantly, I'm not the same girl I used to be. People change, and not just me…

FOUR DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS

"Now, remember," Rick was saying. "No one can see your ornament but you. And the person that checks you out. It has to be a surprise until Christmas."

"We know," Kate and Charlie moaned. Kate looked at Charlie in amusement, and Charlie rolled her eyes.

"Okay, fine," Rick whined. "Go, shop."

Charlie and Kate split off, each moving through the shop in their own way. Charlie's pace was still stilted, but she was getting around more easily on her own. She had never seen a shop so chock-full of Christmas wares, and it was a little intimidating. She also had no idea what she wanted to get.

There was an entire wall of food-related ornaments – whisks, frying pans, candies, sushi – that Charlie stopped and stared at for a while, but that wasn't what she wanted. She passed over the cars, clothes, and people, too. Then she came to the animals. She didn't want pigs, or dogs, or polar bears, but the birds gave her a thought. Her mother's last name was Finch, and Charlie had made that her middle name when she'd changed her name to Charlotte. Nothing was official, of course, and Charlie wondered if Kate would want her to become a Beckett (or a Castle?) eventually, but it made her feel close to her mom, in a way. Charlotte, too, had come (rather circuitously, but nevertheless) from her mother. Charlie's given middle name was Frances, her mother's first name, and Charlotte and Frances both meant "free."

As she thought about this, a hanging bird caught Charlie's eye. It was yellow, with black and white wings and a black stripe down its back. Its tiny orange beak was open a bit, as if in song, and its wings were unfurled and slightly curved, like they were billowed by a soft breeze. She looked at the bird's tag. "Finch in Flight," it read. Charlie smiled. Free.

ONE DAY UNTIL CHRISTMAS

Charlie wanted nothing more than to be in sweats and her bed right now, but Kate's dad was coming over for dinner and the Castles were doing the Nutcracker and everything seemed to be happening all at once.

Nobody wanted her to help with anything, and to be honest, Charlie didn't really feel up to helping, so she walked over to the couch and tried to relax. Of course, the minute she got comfortable, the doorbell rang.

"I can get it!" she called, mindful that Martha and Alexis were busy setting up for the show and that Kate and Rick were busy in the kitchen.

She stood, smoothing imaginary wrinkles from her dress, and walked carefully over to the foyer. She didn't even bother to check the peephole, because she knew who it was.

"Hiya, Pops," she said with a grin.

"What are you doing answering the door, Ms. Charlotte?" he asked her, giving her a gentle hug. "Shouldn't you be sitting down?"

Charlie rolled her eyes. "Merry Christmas to you too, Grandpa."

"I'm sorry," he apologized. "Merry Christmas, Charlie." Jim stepped inside and looked around. "Where's your mother?"

"In here, Dad," Kate called from the kitchen. Charlie made to take the pastry box from Jim's hands, but he pulled it away.

"No," he said. "You go sit down."

"My goodness," Charlie muttered. "You'd think I was dying." But she walked back to the living room and sulked in an armchair.

"Did someone get put in time-out?" a voice joked. Charlie leaned her head over the back of the chair, looking at Martha upside down.

"Pops wouldn't let me come in the kitchen," she pouted. "Are you guys ready?"

"Almost," Martha said. "But we'll eat first."

"Dinner's almost ready, you guys!" Kate yelled. "Come sit down, Castle and I'll be out in a minute!"

Charlie and Martha made their way to the table, followed quickly by Alexis and Jim. Alexis and Jim sat next to each other, with Martha and Charlie across from them respectively. Kate and Rick would sit at either end.

And then they brought the food out – salad and roasted vegetables and prime rib and mashed potatoes. Kate loaded Charlie's plate, but everyone else served themselves. Charlie was allowed to pick a roll and butter it herself, though.

The meal was full of laughter and stories. Jim told tales about his many trips abroad, Martha told them about some of the most interesting jobs she'd ever had, and Kate and Rick shared stories from the precinct. Alexis talked about school, and even Charlie piped in with some childhood memories. Those seemed to catch Kate's interest most of all.

After dessert – pie, ice cream, and cookies – the family filed into the movie room to watch the show. Alexis and Martha had put up curtains, and they and Rick went "backstage" to put on their costumes.

The opening strains of the Nutcracker Suite came through the stereo system as Alexis, in a white nightie, came out to sit by the Christmas tree. Soon enough, Martha – in a huge overcoat and beard, as Godfather Drosselmeyer – joined her, with a nutcracker doll and a crown-wearing Rick. Puppets danced on automated wires as Clara fell asleep clutching her Nutcracker. Then Martha was back, as the Mouse King, and Rick appeared as the real-life Nutcracker. When Clara threw her slipper and the Mouse King was killed, Martha became the Queen of the Sugar Plum Fairies in a sparkly purple tutu.

Act II was as brilliant as the first, with literal teacups and candy canes taking the places of dancers. When Clara went back to sleep, to dream again, Jim, Kate, and Charlie clapped like there was no tomorrow. Charlie had been nervous about the whole thing, but she had not expected that they would all take it so seriously – or be so good!

"Present time!" Rick shouted, scrubbing rouged circles off his face with a damp washcloth. "To the tree!"

This was another tradition Charlie had been unsure of. Like many kids, she'd grown up thinking that there were no presents until Santa dropped them off on Christmas Eve. But Rick had explained his order of events to her, and she was actually excited to see what she'd gotten.

"Wow, Castle. Thank you," Kate said, in awe. After Charlie's pep talk, Rick had decided to do something to commemorate both sides of Kate's life. He found a locket for her, with a chain long enough to accommodate Johanna's ring as well. In it, on one side, was a picture of Johanna, Jim, and Kate. On the other was Martha, Rick, Charlie, Alexis, and Kate. Both pieces fit together to complete the necklace. "It's perfect."

While Kate (and Jim, a bit) were choked up about the locket, Alexis was thrilled with her books and clothes, and Martha loved her jewelry. Kate and Rick had gotten Jim a cashmere sweater and a hand-tooled belt, which he loved. Charlie opened her first box and gasped happily. Inside were the tweed and iridescent Supras she'd been eyeing for weeks.

"Oh my god!" she squealed. "These are awesome!"

There were other pairs of shoes – two-tone Cole Haan brogues, suede and shearling Tory Burch booties, and a pair of furry bunny slippers. They also all, in addition to their other gifts, had new pairs of pajamas.

"Wear these tonight," Rick instructed. "That's the only way to get your stockings filled!"

There was then a massive gift-wrap collection, followed by cocoa sipping and slow goodbyes. One by one, the five remaining occupants of the loft drifted to their rooms and to sleep.

CHRISTMAS MORNING

"Wake up, wake up!" Rick was shouting in Kate's ear. "Merry Christmas!"

"Oh my god, Castle, what time is it?" Kate groaned, rolling over.

"C'mon, Kate," Rick whined. "I made you coffee?"

"Coffee?" Kate questioned tiredly. "Gimme."

He brought her decaf, and she grimaced. "It's not that bad," he tried.

"You drink it, then," she mumbled half-heartedly. It was hard to be mad at him when he was this excited. He kissed her lightly on the lips and then left the room, practically skipping.

As Kate stumbled into the living room, the other women of the house were climbing sleepily downstairs.

"Did he wake you too?" Kate asked them.

"Mm-hmm," Alexis answered. But she brightened when she saw the stockings drooping heavily off the mantel. "Stockings!" she cried with excitement.

Each member of the family had their own hand-knitted, personalized stocking. Kate had chosen hers and Charlie's while Charlie was still in the hospital, so she hadn't even seen it yet. Martha's was white, with red and green accents, and little trees in a wide band beneath her name. Rick's was green, and his picture was a bear (or a buffalo, it was hard to tell). Alexis' was red, and her picture was an angel holding a heart. Kate's was green with snowflakes, and Charlie's was red with a moose.

Alexis and Charlie made quick work of dumping out their stockings and sifting through the goodies. There was make-up, candy, and all kinds of little toys and delights that weren't practical, but were so sweet. Rick got lots of gadgets in his stocking, Kate got cherry-themed stuff, and Martha got lots of sparkly things.

"Thank you, Daddy," Alexis said. "You too, Kate. This is all amazing."

Charlie echoed the sentiments, smiling at her mom.

"Did you guys want to share your ornaments, now?" Rick asked Kate and Charlie.

"Okay," Charlie said. She reached under the tree for a small wrapped package, and unrolled the tissue paper. The finch rested in her cupped hands, and everyone looked admiringly at it. "It's a free bird," she explained with a giggle. "Like me."

She stood up, then, and put it on the tree beneath Alexis' cookie angel. "Your turn, Mom," she said.

"Okay," Kate agreed, letting out a slow breath. Her ornament was in a small box, and she carefully opened it and took out what was inside. It was a nest, carefully woven, with four white porcelain pieces – two big birds and two little birds.

"It's us," Charlie said quietly. "You, Rick, me, and Alexis."

"Mm-hmm," Kate nodded. But she turned the nest in her hands, and ten Charlie noticed something else.

"What's that?" she asked. There was a small blue shape, almost ovular – Charlie swallowed.

"It's an egg," Kate answered. The room was completely silent, as if everyone was holding their breath. "I'm pregnant."