21st September 2013

You know those kisses you read about in romance novels? The ones that make the characters' hair stand on end and give them tingles on their skin, that make their hearts race and their blood pound and gives them a shiver down their spine? The kisses that make them feel like all the troubles of the world don't exist and nothing is more important than that moment right there and the person they are with?

Well... That wasn't what Zed and Blue's first kiss was like. Oh, that was exactly how Zed wanted and had imagined their first kiss to be like, sure. But in reality the kiss was far too short for either of them to even start feeling all that. It was over in just a few short seconds, long enough for Zed to feel how soft her lips were against his own, so fragile and warm, before her lips left his as she pulled away.

Zed blinked his eyes open, having shut them as soon as their lips touched, and looked at Blue. Her face was an even paler white that usual – if that was even possible – and she resembled a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. For a moment Zed had no idea why she'd reacted that way, why she'd pulled away and didn't look thrilled that they had finally kissed, finally took the next step in their relationship. But then he remembered: they weren't in a relationship and she didn't know how magical the kiss should have been because she didn't know they were soulfinders. Stupid, stupid, he thought to himself. This is what you get for not telling her the truth straight away instead of making up excuses not to.

"Blue..." He started, unsure of whether or not he should apologize or just try and make a run for it to avoid a confrontation.

"Wh- what did you do that for?" She stammered, wiggling out from under his arm and shifting to get off the bed. Zed quickly copied her, and moved around the bed to stand in front of her. Blue took a few steps back as a response to his movement. "You shouldn't have done that."

Her words made Zed know exactly how to reply instead of running away. Despite feeling so hurt about her negative reaction, he also felt angry about it. Zed had always been one to let his anger get the best of him and although this was his soulfinder, this was no exception to him not controlling his anger. "Oh shut up," he snapped, rather rudely. "Why are you acting like I did a terrible thing? I know you have feelings for me, you've already admitted that so don't even try and deny it. So I kissed you. So what? Is that really such a bad thing when we clearly like each other and we enjoy spending time together? What's the big deal?"

Blue bit her lip and shook her head before saying, "you don't understand," in a shaky voice.

"You're right: I don't understand," he replied. "So please, Blue. Please explain to me why you see me kissing you as such a bad thing? Because that's not how I see it. I'm not going to apologize and I don't regret it. I liked kissing you. A lot. Help me understand what you're feeling, Blue."

Blue met his eyes and it wasn't hard for him to see the tears in hers. "Well for one, that was the first time anybody's ever kissed me and that's not how I pictured my first kiss. I wanted it to be special, a kiss that I wanted and was ready for, not a kiss that took me by surprise. It might sound silly but it kind of hurt my feelings that you just kissed me without thinking about whether or not that was what I wanted. You spoiled my first kiss for me, Zed. And secondly... Yeah, I like you. But I don't know whether I want to act on that, whether I want us to be more than friends. And I'm not entirely sure that's what you'd want either if you really knew everything about me. It's not that I think the kiss was a terrible, terrible thing. It's that the timing was wrong and I wasn't completely certain it's what I wanted. Surely you can understand that?"

A wave of guilt washed over Zed but he refused to let it make him weak about the subject. "I do understand, sort of," he said softly, taking a step towards her and feeling relieved when she didn't try to move away from him again. "I'm sorry that I spoiled your first kiss for you. I wasn't thinking about any of that, I was just thinking about how much I wanted to kiss you. And I guess that was selfish of me. But Blue... I have no doubts in my mind about wanting to be more than friends with you, I'm not gonna hide that from you anymore."

"God, this is all crazy," she said in despair, sitting down on the edge of her bed. "Never in a million years did I think that the popular ladies man of the school, Zed Benedict, would be in my bedroom admitting that he wanted to be in a relationship with me. You know, since we started hanging out and getting along I kind of had thoughts of this happening, never actually thinking it would. But that doesn't change anything."

Zed sat next to her, angling his body to face her, and took one of her hands in his own. "What do you mean by that? What's the problem?"

Blue sighed. "The problem is that you don't know everything about me and I'm scared that if you did, you wouldn't want me anymore. Plus... I'm not sure if I want to be with you in that way. No offence but you've got anger issues and you can't control them yet, Zed. And I have to think of myself: I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone like that, it wouldn't be good for me. A friendship is shaky enough right now, taking it further would just... I don't know, I just don't think I'd be able to handle it."

Zed felt like shouting at her for being so stupid but deep down he knew that that wasn't the problem. She wasn't being stupid at all; she was simply just looking out for herself. And he knew that she had a point about his uncontrolled anger issues and he agreed that it wouldn't be good for her to date somebody like that. But this was Blue and he didn't want to give up on her even though he knew that would be the easiest thing. Sometimes taking the easy way out isn't the right thing to do, he thought to himself. Sometimes you have to struggle with the hardest way because in the end that's how you'll get the thing that you want the most.

So he didn't give up and drop the subject. He argued with her. "Honestly, Blue? I think that's a load of bullshit and you know it. How do you know that we won't be good together if you don't even give it a try? I want you. And that's not going to change because of a few secrets that you haven't told me yet. You never know, me being with you might make me less angry and give me something to hold onto in my thoughts when I am angry so I can control myself and not lash out. Did you ever think of that? We are meant to be together and I'm not going to let you throw that away because you're too scared. That's a pathetic excuse."

To say that Blue looked startled would have been an understatement. Clearly she had been expecting him to understand where she was coming from, expecting him to turn around and say that it was okay and they could stay friends for a while before thinking about being together. She'd expected him to at least temporarily give up on the idea of them being a couple. She frowned, looking lost for words. After a long moment, the only words that she managed to say were: "you don't know that we're meant to be together. We're just teenagers, Zed. We have our whole lives ahead of us, this is probably just a silly teenage crush. We both have soulfinders out there somewhere so even if we did start dating, it wouldn't last forever. We're not soulfinders so it's probably best for us to just stay friends."

Another excuse. He wished she'd stop blurting them out, even if she did think that this excuse was a pretty valid one. To be honest, this whole confrontation was tiring him out and he could think of nothing else to say other than the truth. He pictured himself telling her and her responding by apologizing for doubting them and throwing her arms around him, kissing him without hesitation. That would be the perfect outcome, exactly how soulfinders should react when they find out they're with their soulfinder. So he did it. He told her.

"That's not true. I know for a fact that we're meant to be together because we're soulfinders, Blue. I've known it since that first cross country training when we argued in the woods about Jodie. I tried to tell you then but you cut off the link and blocked your mind from me... I knew it the moment you spoke to me telepathically. You have no idea how amazing and special and mesmerizing it was. I didn't tell you after that because you hated me then, you would have ran a mile away from me if you knew. So I thought I'd wait until I could prove to you that I'm good for you and wait until you genuinely liked me so neither of us felt like it was forced because of the soulfinder bond. So you see, we are meant to be together. It wasn't wrong for me to kiss you and I won't let you convince yourself we should just be friends." He breathed out loudly, feeling like he'd been somehow holding his breath the whole time. He closed his eyes and waited. Waited for her to kiss him and express how happy she was. But that didn't happen.

He slowly opened his eyes and noticed that Blue's eyes were fresh with tears. But she didn't look upset. She looked furious. Through clenched teeth she hissed, "you knew we were soulfinders this whole time and you didn't tell me?"

"You would have freaked out, Blue, don't deny it!" He was quick to defend himself, part of him glad that he had finally told her and the other part terrified that he had now ruined things. "I know I should have told you, you deserved to know. But at least you know that you aren't just feeling things for me because of the bond, that your feelings are real."

"That doesn't change the fact that you lied to me," she argued.

"Please," he begged, giving her hand a desperate squeeze. "Just please give me a chance, don't push me out. I can control my anger, I'll prove to you that we're good for each other. And I can help you with whatever issues you're keeping secret from me, it'll be a balanced relationship just like everyone should have with their soulmate. Come on, just give me a chance. Give us a chance."

She was silent for at least one minute, obviously contemplating her answer and the best way to word it. Zed hoped for the best but he noticed the saddened, lost look in her eyes and knew that her answer wasn't going to be yes. He hated that he had been the one to make her get that look in her eyes. She pulled her hand out of his grip before she answered with a gentle shake of her head. "I don't know, Zed... It's not just about the fact that you lied to me or about your anger problems. You don't know about my problems, why I went to the rehab centre, and there's a reason I haven't told you about that. And I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship, God a part of me isn't even sure if I'm ready to be out of the centre. I just need some time to think this through, I'm sorry."

Zed could tell that she was stressed and he didn't blame her. Not only did she have a decision to make about all of this, but she had to decide whether or not to join the cross country team (which was only a relatively small decision compared to her other problems but was something she was still uncertain about), and she had yet to decide what to do about the whole Jon and Elliott situation. He knew it was hard for her but he was thankful that she was at least thinking about it instead of just shutting him down straight away.

"I understand," he said with a sad sigh. "You don't have to apologize for not knowing if you're ready or not. But just so you know, I'll be impatiently waiting for your answer and whenever you're ready to tell me your secrets I'll be right there, okay?"

She smiled at him. "Okay. Thank you, Zed."

He forced a smile onto his own face despite the fact that his heart was trembling with the fear of rejection. It was something he'd never experienced, nor did he think he ever would experience it, and he didn't like the feeling. But Blue needed him to be strong and accepting and supportive right now, so he didn't let her know his true feelings. He simply acted like everything was okay even though he had a sinking feeling in his stomach that said this was the start of everything falling apart.

23rd September 2013

Zed left the changing rooms and quickly rushed across the field to where the rest of the cross country team were already doing the usual warm up and stretching routine. Coach Miller cast him a glare for being late as he joined the back of the group, standing next to Isaac, but didn't say anything as Zed started stretching out his legs.

"Hey," Isaac whispered, nudging him with his elbow. "Looks like your new little friend decided to join us after all."

Zed looked in the direction Isaac nodded his head and was surprised to see Blue stood at the front of the group with Trinity and a few others. "I'm glad," he answered honestly. "We need her on the team, she's better than most of us here."

"Okay guys," Coach talked above them, addressing the whole group as they began to jog on the spot. "The line-up. As you all know, you get put in a certain order depending on your ability. If you're last in the line, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're the worst and that you're going to lose, it just means that in training you weren't as fast and stealthy as the others. If you work hard, your position could be changed. As it could if you don't work hard enough." Zed of course already knew this. With twelve people on the team (well that's what they were supposed to have had but only now did), the top six runners were always the ones that got the most attention and were expected to be amazing and get great times. For a while now Zed had been first, with Trinity second, Isaac third, Bekah fourth, Jodie fifth, and his friend Jace sixth.

"We're going to have a few changes to the line-up this season, at least for the first race. I might consider changing it for the second depending on your performance Friday," Coach continued, eyes glancing over them. "So, our top six will be in this order on Friday: first up will be Zed," he started, causing a smile to spread across Zed's face. He loved being the lead runner for the group and was extremely happy that hadn't changed. "Second will be Trinity. Then we have Jace third. Isaac fourth. Lucas fifth. And our sixth runner will be Blue."

Jodie was the first to react to the line-up. "Are you freakin' kidding me?!" She shouted, looking furious. "I'm not in the top six anymore? Coach, that isn't fair. I've been on this team for two years. Blue didn't even want to be on the team and suddenly she's in the top six? That doesn't even make sense! I deserve a place in the top six!"

The thing about Coach Miller was that if you angered him by speaking back to him, he wouldn't shout at you. And that's what made him so terrifying. He somehow remained to stay cool and keep his voice level as his hands tightened on his clipboard and his eyes narrowed at Jodie, giving her a mean glare. "You know, it's not always just about performance on the course. It's about your attitude. And in recent weeks Jodie, I haven't seen you being a team player; you've been teasing people and undermining your teammates. Plus, the truth is that the top five have had better times than you and although Blue hasn't had a time recorded, I'm giving her a chance based on what I've seen so far. Like I said, I might change my mind after Friday but right now you aren't in my mind for a switch to the top six." He looked away from her and at the rest of the group, saying, "you know what I always say: a team that runs together gets punished together. For Jodie's childish outburst just then, I want all of you to give me 30 push-ups. Now."

A collection of groans rang out amongst the group but none of them even dared to argue back with him, including Jodie who had blushed bright red and was one of the first to drop to the floor. Zed truly felt sorry for her, even if he did admit that she'd made a mistake by snapping at Coach like that. Jodie was dedicated to running and really did put a hell of a lot of effort into it, especially at actual races when she knew her parents were on the sidelines watching. Her parents put a lot of pressure on her for this and for her academics. He himself sometimes felt pressured by his family when it came to the Savant side of things so he could relate to what Jodie was feeling. Despite this, he didn't think it was fair of her to say that Blue didn't deserve this because Blue was actually a really good runner and was a good thing for the team. Jodie was a friend but Blue was his soulfinder so it was obvious who's side he was going to take.

"Hey," Isaac said quietly as they worked on their push-ups, breaking Zed out of his inner monologue. "You know what I'd like to see? A bitch fight between Jodie and Blue. In the mud. With hair pulling and face slapping, the lot. How hot would that be?"

Zed simply rolled his eyes, used to hearing this kind of stuff from Isaac. Jace, who was on the other side of Isaac, laughed out loud. "Man, that's something I'd like to see too. We could take bets on who would win. Jodie's tough but if what you told us lot in the changing rooms is true Isaac, then I think Blue would win. She sounds like she's feisty enough."

"What's that?" Zed asked, freezing and holding himself up with his arms straight. "What are you talking about?"

"Apparently," Jace said with a grin, "before you turned up at Isaac's party, he took Blue upstairs to his bedroom and had a little fun with her, if you know what I mean. Isaac was telling us and the rest of the guys all about it. According to him, Blue's hiding a feisty, sex addict under that good girl act. We were all saying that based on that, it wouldn't surprise us if she lost all that weight so she'd be attractive and only came back here because she ran out of guys to fuck out of town." He and Isaac started to laugh.

Zed's vision started to shake as everything turned red. He slowly rose to his feet, ignoring Coach telling him not to stop, and grabbed hold of Isaac to pull him to his feet too. He was only barely aware of the rest of the team getting to their feet and looking at the two boys to see what was going on. Because clearly something was going on, not just the two of them being too lazy to do their push-ups. "Dude, what the hell?" Isaac exclaimed, taking a step back.

He looked scared and Zed was glad. He should be scared. He knew what Zed was capable of when he was angry and he was about to get the full force of that. Zed grabbed hold of Isaac's shirt at his neck, clenching tightly and pulling his friend towards him. "Is it true?" He asked in a quiet and menacing voice. "Did you say that about Blue?"

Isaac shrugged, trying not to look so shaken up. "Well it's true," he spat out. "I had sex with Blue and she was a feisty little thing. What's it got to do with you? Get the hell off me!" He tried and failed to break free of Zed's grip.

"You're a fucking liar! Blue's not the kind of person to do shit like that, even when she's drunk. Who do you think you are, telling all the guys that? I mean, I know you can't actually get girls to fuck you these days but making up lies like that is really pathetic. Even for you, Isaac."

"What's your problem?" Isaac responded. "It's only Blue Williamson, the one with the murderer father. We always used to take the piss out of her and you never told us to stop. You never cared then. And I might not be lying, did you think of that?"

Zed laughed but there was no humour in it. "Of course you're lying. You've got nothing better to do, have you? And of course you'd choose Blue to make that stuff up about because she's weak and you took advantage of that."

"Dude, it's not my fault she's such a slut and you can't see that because you're in love with her or something," Isaac smirked as if he was purposefully trying to wind him up.

That was it for Zed; Isaac had pushed him too far. Up until then he had managed to reign in most of his anger but hearing somebody talk about his soulfinder like that made him lose control and the mental rubber band that had been straining to keep in the anger snapped under the pressure. And so did Zed. He let go of Isaac's t-shirt and shoved him backwards with enough force that the other boy fell to the floor. Before he could even start to move, Zed was on top of him, pulling back his arm and launching a tightly clenched fist into Isaac's face. All he could see was Isaac's bloody face and all he could hear was Isaac's moans of pain. That gave him a rush of energy throughout his body and his arm pulled back again with the wave of desperation his entire being had to punish the person who dared to speak about his soulfinder like that. It was instinctual for him and he didn't care that this was supposed to be his best friend. Blue comes first now, he thought as his fist smashed into the side of Isaac's face again, connecting with his nose and causing something to crack.

He managed to get another good few punches in before he felt three people – he didn't bother to pay attention to who it was – struggle to pull him off Isaac. As he took a step forward to go back to Isaac, Coach Miller stood in front of him to stop him.

"You idiot," he hissed at Zed. "You couldn't have saved it until you got off school premises?! You know that the punishment for this might be that you can't run on Friday, well done Benedict. Jace and Lucas, help Isaac to the first aid room. And you," he poked Zed in the chest roughly, "get your ass to the headteacher's office. Now." He turned around and started walking away to where he'd apparently thrown his clipboard and stopwatch on the floor, mumbling to himself. "Stupid teenage boys with their stupid testosterone. Of course it would be over a girl, when is it ever not? God I hate my job," were the words Zed heard before Coach was too far away for him to hear.

Zed spun around on his feet and began to walk away from his team and in the direction of the school building. He knew he was going to get in trouble but honestly, he couldn't care less. Isaac got what he deserved for talking such bullshit.

"Hey!" Somebody grabbed hold of his arm and pulled him to a stop. They let go as he turned around and realised that Blue was stood there. "What the hell is wrong with you? You can't just go around beating people up like that!"

"Seriously? Do you have any idea what he was saying about you, Blue?" He asked, still shaking with anger.

"Yeah, I heard them talking about it before we started warming up. There's nothing I can do about it other than deny it and I'm fine with that. I know the truth, that's all that matters to me. Isaac lied, yeah, but you can't just launch yourself on him like that. Like Coach said, you might not be able to run Friday. Plus that is not going to help you control your anger issues, is it? I don't want to see you get in trouble, Zed," she said earnestly.

"I was just sticking up for you," he defended himself. "I couldn't stand to hear him say those things about you or to actually think people believe him. It's not fair on you for people to call you those sorts of names."

Blue didn't look like one of those girls who love being rescued by boys and love the guy to defend their honour. She was frowning at him and she looked as angry as he felt. "I don't need you to stick up for me, I can look after myself! And I've had enough experience with people calling me names, I know not to let it get to me anymore."

"Blue-"

"And don't you dare," she continued as if he hadn't spoken, "call me weak ever again. Trust me, from what I've been through, I am far from being weak. I'm strong and I don't need anybody to fight my fights for me. Stop underestimating me and thinking I'm not as strong as you are because I am."

She stormed away from him, back towards the group, before he could have a chance to reply. He still didn't regret beating Isaac up but he hated that he had made Blue mad and wasn't making any positive progress at getting her to be his. Part of this he knew was because he kept thinking of her as being his when it was actually the other way around: he was hers, always, even if she didn't want him.

Planning on apologizing, he took a step in her direction but didn't get any further before Coach shouted, "Zed! Get to the headteacher's office, I'm not going to tell you again!"

With a sigh, he cast one last glance at Blue – who was pointedly ignoring him with her back facing him – before turning around and again walking in the direction of the school building.

Author's note: So... Quite a lot happened in that chapter, huh? And the emotions were all over the place. I was going to split it into two chapters but it was already written so it was easier to post it as one chapter.

There's just over 4900 words there and I aim for 2000, so this is pretty long for me. I spent about three days working on it so I would really appreciate reviews and feedback.

Thank you so much for still reading and understanding that I have to put college first now. I hope you like this chapter and it was worth the wait! :)

A hint about the next chapter: Zed tells his parents about Blue being his soulfinder and gets a little pep talk from one of his brothers.