Author's note: Please remember to leave reviews after reading the chapter, they mean so much and push me to write the next chapter sooner.
Warning: This chapter contains issues that may upset some people. I hope it doesn't offend anybody. I tried to write it as well as I could.
28th September 2013
Blue stared at her father, slowly shaking her head in disbelief. She didn't want to believe it but why would he lie? She let out a sob as tears started to spill from her eyes and raised her hand to her mouth. "No," she mumbled. "No, no, no."
"I'm sorry," Elliott said, also crying. He stood up and took a step towards her, arms out and ready to hug her. "Come here, love. I'm right here, I'm not going to leave you. We'll get through this together."
She pushed his hands away from her, almost hysterical. "Get away from me!" She shouted at him. "I don't want your comfort! Did they know that she was suicidal? Why didn't you tell me?! Why do you always keep secrets from me dad?!"
"Blue, what are you on about?"
"I know about Jon!" She shouted. Deep down she didn't want to hurt his feelings but at that moment she couldn't care less; she was angry and upset and felt like her head was going to explode. "He wanted to be in my life properly but you and mum wouldn't let him. I've just been to his house and he told me everything." Ignoring her dad's stunned face, she shook her head and sobbed. "Just leave me alone. Please."
Before he could shake himself out of his shocked stupor and reply – most likely to apologize, even though Blue figured it should have been her doing the apologizing for being so mean – Blue turned around and ran back out of the house. Stood on the porch, she gulped in the cold fresh air quickly. She wanted to get away from her family but she didn't have anywhere else to go. She tried not to think about the news she'd just been given but it was impossible not to. She cried, an ugly mess of tears all over her face and still leaving her eyes, her entire body shaking with the emotions of it all.
When the front door opened behind her to reveal a distraught-looking Elliott, Blue ran away from him. She couldn't stand the thought of being around him right now. Part of her wanted to be alone but another part of her was yearning to be with somebody else, although at first she didn't know who that was. She didn't realise that she had run across to the Benedict house until she was banging on their door with heavy fists.
She was about to hit the door again when it swung open and she almost hit Yves Benedict in the face. Thankfully she managed to stop just in time and lowered her arms. She saw him take her in: a hysterical crying girl hardly breathing and no doubt looking completely mad. "Um, hello." He said, raising his eyebrows a little. "Blue, yeah? Is everything okay?"
She shoved him out of the way and pushed past him into the house. "Sorry," she mumbled for her rudeness. "Zed!" She shouted. She knew that later on she probably regret embarrassing herself in front of the family like this but at that moment all she could think about was her mother. Her dear, sweet mother. "Zed!"
Two people came out of the living room: Karla and Saul Benedict. And the only other brother that lived with them still, Xav, popped his head around the kitchen doorway. "What's going on?" He asked with a mouthful of some food in his mouth. "Who's the chick?"
"Blue, from next door," Karla explained before taking a cautious step towards Blue, motherly compassion on her face. "What's the matter, sweetheart? Has something happened?"
Blue just nodded her head, sobs escaping her mouth beyond her control. She tried telling Karla what had happened but she couldn't get the words out. She'd gotten herself into such a state that she was struggling to breathe which just made her cry harder. She felt the tremors of one of them using telepathy and a moment later she heard Zed shout, "what? I had my headphones in, I didn't hear anyone shouting me," from the top of the stairs. "What is it?"
Karla stepped up to Blue and started to rub her back. It was soothing actually and helped Blue get her breathing under control a little better. "Just come downstairs," Karla called out gently to her son.
Zed started to descend the stairs, a confused look on his face. As soon as she saw him, Blue understood: she understood that she hadn't wanted to be alone after all, she had been yearning to be with him because he was her soulfinder and the only person she wanted to be around right now, the only person who could make all of this better. When he saw her, he quickly rushed down the rest of the stairs and pulled her straight into his arms, holding onto her tightly. She buried her head in his chest and almost screamed in heartache.
Zed pulled back slightly and moved his hands to her cheeks, cradling her face and forcing her to look into his eyes. "What's the matter?" He asked urgently. "What the hell is going on? Tell me Blue, you're scaring me. Tell me."
"My mum," she managed to gasp, ignoring his family around her and focusing solely on him. "She's dead. She killed herself."
Karla gasped in horror behind her. Zed's eyes widened and he mumbled, "oh god," before pulling her into a hug again. Being in his arms felt like being home and she was glad that she had come here, her heart wasn't beating as fast and she didn't feel as hysterical anymore. It was all because of him. Nobody had ever been able to calm her down when she was like this before, and all Zed had to do was hold her and she calmed instantly. How had she not even realised just how important he was to her now? Not just because of the soulfinder bond but simply because of the way he was. It was just all Zed.
When he started to lead her up to his room, she didn't protest. She kept hold of him and followed him silently. She didn't even look around at his bedroom like she always thought she would- this was the first time she had ever been in a boy's room. But she didn't care about any of that right now. Zed sat down on his bed, leaning his back against the wall the bed was pushed up against, and she climbed on to sit next to him, immediately wrapping her arms around his waist and breathing in contentedness when he held her again.
They stayed wrapped up in each other for a minute or two, him gently stroking her hair. He broke the silence first, by kissing her head softly and saying, "I'm sorry about your mum. I knew that she had... Issues, which is why she was at the psychiatric hospital, but I didn't know she was so... Not herself. Enough that she'd do that. She must have been really hurting inside."
"Well her soulfinder died," Blue muttered. "He meant everything to her, enough that she left my dad for him. I don't know what it's like to lose your soulfinder but I'm guessing it's not pretty. You're right; she wasn't herself. I just... I can't believe she's gone, Zed. And the fact that she killed herself..."
"I know it's horrible," he sounded truly sad about the news even though he had never met Judith. Blue was thankful for that, and glad that he wasn't making a joke out of it.
But she pulled away a little and shook her head. "No, you don't understand. Mental illness runs in her family. Her sister was crazy enough to kill people, their mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia and my second uncle hung himself in his bedroom because he was hearing voices in his head and was losing his mind. And I'm sure there are others, I just can't think of them. Zed... I was ill, I went to a rehab centre for crying out loud! What if I end up just like my mum? What if the therapists were wrong and I'm not better? What if I can't get better at all and I can't handle it and I lose my mind completely? What if I end up killing myself because I'm beyond help?" She was acting unstable again but she couldn't stop; it all just came tumbling out of her, thoughts that she hadn't even realised she'd been worried about but she actually had been- for a while now. "What if the saying is true: like mother like daughter? Nobody would be surprised because of the history of mental illness in my family. Even I wouldn't be surprised, sometimes I think I really am losing it and that it's only a matter of time until I lose my mind like my mum did."
Zed was quiet for a moment and Blue got the sense that he knew how monumental it was that she had admitted this to him. He was the first person she had told since leaving Rosewood, she hadn't even told his brother on any of his visits. "Blue," Zed said softly, capturing a strand of her hair in his fingers and playing with it for a short moment before meeting her eyes. "Why were you in Rosewood?" He asked the question tentatively, worried that she would react badly to him asking.
"I don't want to tell you," she said quietly, wiping tears from her cheeks. "I'm scared that you'll be disgusted and not want a soulfinder as weak as I am."
"Hey, weren't you the one that told me off for calling you weak?" He reminded her, raising his eyebrows. "You don't have to tell me. But you are strong, and nothing you say is going to make me like you any less. I know you clearly went through something rough and I admire you for getting through it and still being able to smile. Even if you don't smile as often as I wish you would," he added with a small smile.
"Okay." She nodded her head, deciding that she had to tell him. Not only did he deserve to know but she trusted him and she felt like it was the right time to confide in him about it all. "Okay. Well... You know that I was bullied for years at school for being big? I didn't have any friends at all and I was constantly being tormented, mainly by your group of friends but other people too. It was really hard for me, being called fat and ugly and even worse things every single day and not even having a friend to defend me or to comfort me. Mum and dad were having problems at home and my sisters were wrapped up in their own worlds... I was so lonely. So lonely.
"After a while I started to believe everything the bullies said. I believed them when they said I was useless and that everybody hated the sight of me. I hated myself. Truly despised everything about myself. I'd look in the mirror and repeat all the nasty things they said to me. I hated how I looked and how everyone treated me because of it. Whenever I ate something, I was disgusted with myself because I was just putting even more weight on. It was such a dark time for me and I stopped being upset at what everybody said to me because I told myself that they were right and that I deserved all the hurtful comments." When she saw him open his mouth to speak, she grabbed his hand and squeezed it, shaking her head. "Don't say anything, please. I might lose my nerve and not continue.
"I wasn't even surprised when nobody noticed how depressed I'd become, even my family didn't realise. I felt so... Out of control. I wanted to take back control of my life in some way, I needed to- now I manage that control by organizing and cleaning, but back then... I didn't want to be myself anymore. I wanted to be somebody else. I don't expect you to understand but I really wished I could restart my life somehow and be somebody completely different.
"I decided to start by taking control of the issues I had with my body. I started eating healthier and exercising, it took a while but I started to lose weight. But it wasn't enough: I was still being called fat and stupid and hideous, and I couldn't handle it anymore. Losing weight the healthy way was taking too long. I just wanted to be thinner, to look better for everybody else. I stopped eating altogether and started exercising even more, pushing myself until the point where I felt I was going to pass out. Sometimes I lost control and I'd eat loads of food all at once... Then I'd make myself sick afterwards for 'making a mistake'.
"My parents thought that I was losing weight by being healthy and they complemented me on it. That made me feel better about what I was doing in some twisted way, and I continued on like that for a few weeks. It wasn't a drastic change, but I dropped at least two dress sizes.
"But still, I got called fat. A whale. And they all just laughed about it, that's the sad thing. People don't realise how their 'little jokes' can affect people, especially when that person has dealt with those jokes for years and is depressed and has no one to turn to. They didn't care if they were hurting me, they just wanted to make their friends laugh with all the clever names and comments they could come up with for me.
"There was this one day that I vividly remember, the one that made me snap and made me completely lose it. I was leaving school, walking through the car park, when I heard one of your friends calling me. I went over, I don't know why, to where you were all stood near your bikes. You were there, but you were texting on your phone and avoiding looking up like you wanted no part in it. They started asking me about my plans for the weekend before saying I'd probably just spend the whole time eating. They said they felt sorry for my parents to have a daughter like me, that I'd always be on my own because no guy could ever love me.
"I went home in tears. I was finally ready to tell my parents everything but when I got home they were fighting over something. I tried talking to them and they shouted at me to go upstairs, that they didn't have the time for me. I felt so unwanted, it felt like the whole world was against me. I just wanted it all to end: the feeling of being a burden to everybody and the thoughts that no matter what I did I would never be good enough for anyone... I tried to kill myself, Zed. I got the belt from my dressing gown and tied it to my light fixture and I wrapped it around my neck...
"Daisy found me when she came into my room for some reason. She pulled me down while screaming for my parents and they called for an ambulance straight away. I'm pretty sure that traumatized Daisy for life. The doctors said that it was really close, if they'd found me just a few seconds later I would certainly have died. And he said I was lucky that the lack of oxygen to my brain hadn't given me brain damage. Very lucky, he said. Seeing my family in such distress made me regret everything and made me realise that they never stopped caring for me. When they suggested that I go to Rosewood, I agreed and went willingly. I wanted to get better for them."
She paused for a moment to take a breath, looking away from Zed's horrified eyes. This was it; she was right. He couldn't believe she had done that and clearly hated having a soulfinder who had given up on life like that. He'd probably tell her to leave any time soon. "It wasn't easy at Rosewood," she confessed to him. "It took a while for me to get out of that mindset. The doctors diagnosed me with an eating disorder and severe depression. I was put on antidepressants – which I'm still taking now, by the way – and that made me feel better. My meal times were strict and the food was healthy and balanced, and I began to lose weight again. But the healthy way this time. I was getting better.
"When my mum left dad, I relapsed and didn't eat for a week. And I relapsed again when my dad went to prison, thinking that I'd lost him forever for something I knew he wasn't capable of doing. I ate the food they gave me but I made myself sick straight after and I became unwell again. I was still so sad and lonely, but the people there were really nice and they got me better.
"I know now that I was wrong to do that to myself. I'm lucky I don't have any permanent lasting damage and I'm thankful that I'm still alive and I'm healthy now. Don't worry, I'm okay now. Mostly. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing control, like I'm going to slip, but I always tell somebody now. Normally either my dad or my therapist. I don't focus that much on my appearance anymore and when I do it's for me, not for other people. And I have a coping technique for when people say things to me, like all that stuff with Isaac, so that I don't fall back into depression again.
"And do you want me to be honest? I never thought I'd admit this but ever since you and I have been getting close, I feel so much better and so much happier. I'm finally starting to believe that I'm beautiful and that I can have a good life. And that's all down to you, that is."
"Good." Zed said sternly, clasping her hands in his tightly. She looked up at him to see that his face was pale and his eyes had tears in them. "Blue, I recognize that look on your face. You think I hate you now, don't you? How could you ever think that?" Blue took in a shaky breath at his words. "I hate what you did, but I don't hate you. I hate the people who drove you into such a state that you thought starving yourself and taking your own life was the only solution you had left. I am so glad that you were strong enough to make it through, that I didn't lose you."
"I'm scared, Zed," she said quietly, crying. "What if I lose control again? What if I can't get better, just like my mum didn't? I don't want to try suicide again but what if I get so low that I try again? But this time I succeed? I don't want to be like my mum Zed, I really don't."
"And I believe you," he said in a desperate tone. "But it's okay because I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to be right here for you and I want you to come to me if you ever feel yourself getting into any sort of state like that you were in. I'll look after you, and you'll look after me because God knows I need it, and we'll make everything okay. You're strong enough to keep going and I'll make sure of it. I am so sorry about your mum, I can't even imagine what you're feeling right now, but I don't want you to think of your mum as weak. As being crazy or whatever. Just think of the good times, yeah? When you were younger and your life was great. Think of that."
She did. She thought of baking cookies with her mum, laughing while they danced in the kitchen, just the two of them. And other memories too, ones that were just as happy and just as homely. It helped a little but she was still crying in her grief and she gladly let Zed pull her into his arms again. She'd never imagined that Zed Benedict would be this gentle, this kind and caring, and that he would be the right guy to turn to for comfort, but she guessed the world was full of surprises and this was one of those pleasant ones.
I'm lucky to have him, she thought to herself as she clung onto Zed's waist and cried over the loss of her mother.
From his place high up in one of plenty trees near the Benedict home, the man lowered his binoculars and smiled devilishly to himself. About twenty minutes ago he had seen the Williamson girl run to the Benedict house in a right state, an ugly sobbing mess. Pathetic, he thought to himself. So innocent and vulnerable. I'm sure I could have some fun breaking her apart piece by piece.
And he could now too, because it was clear that the youngest Benedict had a strong attachment to her. Maybe they were even possibly soulfinders. And if she was important to Zed, he could get to the Benedicts by hurting her. His first step had been getting rid of her mother, mostly just for the enjoyment of seeing people grieve over her and the Benedicts have to deal with Judith's daughter. It had been far too easy for him to slip into the hospital and drug her, making it look like she had overdosed and killed herself. All he had to do was take a bunch of the pills she had been hiding after not taking her meds, and it had looked like she'd been planning her suicide the whole time. Of course they believed it: who wouldn't believe a mentally ill patient would take her own life? It happened all the time.
That had been his first step. He was going to make his second step much more personal to the Benedict family, he would make sure of that. They would regret ever going up against him and his family.
Yes, he thought as he began to climb back down the tree. I will get my revenge on them. I will destroy the Benedict family.
A hint about the next chapter: Shit goes down at Judith's funeral.