Chapter 2

Castiel and Dean are already cleaned up when Sam comes back to the room. Dean seems actually kind of surprised to see Sam. It's out of the ordinary to see Sam during the day lately, at least when they're not crammed in the Impala.

"Hey Sammy," Dean says as he lounges on the bed.

Sam's smile is forced as he whispers, "Hi."

Dean knows that Sam believes he doesn't know when something is wrong. But Dean has been able to read Sam like a book ever since he was a kid. Dean could read Sam even when he was a moody teenager. That's how Dean knew that Sam was going to leave the family business. He didn't know how, but he knew Sam was going to make it happen. Nothing could stand in his little brother's way when he wanted it bad enough.

Dean wishes Sam would talk about what's been bothering him for awhile. This attitude started pretty much when Dean and Castiel got together. At first Dean believed that maybe Sam was homophobic, but he quickly reminded himself that Sam was the one that helped the two of them get together. If Sammy had a problem with gays, he would have kept the two of them far away from each other.

Dean catches Sam looking at him sometimes. It's in a way Dean had once looked at Sam. The look is a mixture of curiosity, worry, and another emotion that he's afraid to name out loud, even if it's in his own head.

Dean wonders if maybe Sam has figured out Dean's dirty, little secret. Not that little, Dean reminds himself. It would be a very good reason for Sam's sudden distance.

Dean shakes his head. If Sam had really figured it out, his little brother would have confronted him on it. There is no doubt about that.

Dean finds himself standing up and walking over to Castiel who stands by the window, watching the brothers with curiosity shining in his eyes. He kisses his angel, one eye carefully on his brother. That's why he sees the barely visible flinch.

That's interesting, Dean muses as he pulls away from the soft lips.

Dean orders pizza for all of them and makes sure to include a salad in the order as well. Sam hasn't been eating well lately and doesn't want to give him any more reasons to skip a meal.

Sam doesn't complain when Dean shoves the salad at him. He eats without an argument, making Dean want to breathe an audible sigh of relief. Of course he doesn't though. He can't be seen as caring too much after all.

Sam and Dean spend the night just relaxing, something they don't do very often. Castiel decided to take off for the night. Dean knows that the angel believes the brothers need some time alone. Dean sees that Sam tries to look nonchalant, but there are still shadows in his eyes. He just wishes Sam would tell him what was wrong so he can fix it.

If Dean didn't pay attention so closely, it would seem like everything is perfectly normal. He knows better though.

When he and Sam go to sleep, it almost feels like old times. Almost.

Reality comes crashing in when Dean wakes up and Sam is gone.

Sam has been doing a disappearing act quite a bit lately, but Dean knows this is different. For one thing, Sam is always there in the mornings when Dean wakes up. He doesn't disappear until after breakfast. Secondly, when Dean looks to the floor in front of Sam's bed, he sees that his little brother's duffle bag is gone. Sam has packed up and left, and he's not planning to come back.

Dean quickly throws the blankets off. Despite instinctively knowing the truth, he still looks for a sign of Sam. He spots the innocuous note sitting on the desk where Sam's laptop had once been.

With shaking hands, he picks it up. Eyes travel over the words, drinking them in.

Dear Dean,

When you wake up, I know you'll be worried. I know there is no point in saying this, but I'm going to say it anyway. Please don't worry. I know that was a waste of ink, but it's out in the open anyway.

I'm sure you figured out that I wasn't taken by force. I know you know that something has been off for a while lately. I could never hide anything from you. You can't be that surprised that I left by my own free will.

I've been thinking about doing this for a while, including weighing all of the pros and cons of it. I know that won't make you feel any better, but it's the truth.

I know you're going to blame yourself. You are going to think you should have been doing something instead of living your life. You have an amazing guilt complex. Don't take that as a compliment.

I need you to know right now that this isn't your fault.

Dean, something is really wrong in my head. I don't want to go into details, because I don't want you to ever look at me differently, but I have feelings that are really sick and unnatural. I want to stop having these feelings. The only way I can do that is to leave.

Please, just let me go. I know with Castiel on your side, you could probably find me, but don't. I need to be on my own for awhile. You respected my choice when I went to Stanford. I'm asking you to respect my choice once again.

I've made sure the GPS on my phone is off. I know that no matter how much I plead, you will do everything you can to find me, and I'm not going to make it easier for you.

When I'm ready, I will call you. I promise you that. Just give me some space.

I'm sorry I'm doing this to you. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better little brother.

Sam

Dean drops the letter, watching as it flutters to the ground. He stares unblinkingly at it, letting the words process in his brain.

Sam is gone. He thinks something is wrong inside his head. He thinks he is a bad little brother.

Dean finally settles on one thought. Must find Sammy.

"Castiel," he prays, knowing that's all it takes these days.

The sound of wings envelops the room and Castiel is standing next to the bed. He is already unbuttoning his shirt, but Dean stops him. "Not that. Sam is gone."

Castiel's brow furrows. "What do you mean gone?"

Dean sighs and bends down to retrieve the letter. He passes it wordlessly over to Castiel.

Castiel puts it on the bed after silently reading.

"We are finding him," Dean says firmly.

Castiel looks troubled. "He asked for you to let him go," he points out.

Dean shrugs. "He also points out that he knows I'll do everything I can to find him."

Castiel looks at his hands. "Do you think he left because of me?"

Dean shakes his head in the negative. "He thinks there is something wrong in his head. That's why he left. It has nothing to do with you," Dean says, but even he's not positive of what he's saying.

Castiel obviously agrees. "He started making excuses to be anywhere but here when we started having sex."

Dean looks into Castiel's eyes. "Listen, we are going to find Sam and get to the bottom of this."

Castiel nods. Dean knows Castiel will do everything he can to find Sam. Even so, he still looks unsure of going against Sam's plead.

Castiel leaves to start canvassing the area. Sam had a good head start, but Castiel is an angel. Like Sam said in his letter, with Castiel on his side, nothing will stand in Dean's way.

Dean hates the idea of twiddling his thumbs, but he is useless right now when it comes to his wayward brother. To be on the safe side, Dean checks the GPS on Sam's phone and it is off.

Dean tries to think about where Sam would go. At one time, Dean boasted about knowing Sam better than anyone. Times have changed though. Both Sam and Dean have been to hell, literally and figuratively. Sam's soul has spent a whole year in the cage being two archangels' plaything. Both have seen more horror than any one person should ever see.

And lately, Sam has been pulling away from Dean. At one time he would have called Bobby, but that ship has sailed.

He goes to the front desk at the motel. The manager's daughter smiles flirtatiously at him; Dean smiles back, but it feels strained. "Hello, sweetheart. Do you remember the man I was with?"

She slowly blinks her eyes in a way that's supposed to seduce. "The one in the trench coat?"

Dean shakes his head. "No, the tall one, like 6 feet 4. Long brown hair."

"I don't remember seeing him," the daughter says.

Dean's strained smile slips away completely. He turns away, ignoring the pouting lips. The only lips he's been interested in kissing lately is Cas's and he's not about to do anything with her. Well, Cas's lips aren't the only ones, Dean amends silently, remembering Sam's naturally pouty lips, especially when he made a bitchface.

Something about what the girl says is niggling at the back of his mind. She doesn't remember seeing him with Sam.

Dean thinks back to the past couple of months. He knows Sam has been disappearing a lot lately, but to think they might have been living relatively separate lives is unheard of. Dean knows though that whenever Sam could, he was away. Dean can't remember the last time they were together in public if it wasn't for a case.

At one time, Dean would have been confronting Sam on his bitchy attitude. Sam needed him, but Dean had been too busy with Cas to be there. And now Sam is gone.

Dean knows he's let Sam down a lot in the past, but he's always tried to do the right thing by him. He remembers when he let his brother go away to Stanford. He hated the thought of Sammy being so far away, but he wanted the boy to be happy, and Dean thought it was for the best in the long run.

Dean's thoughts about Stanford being for the best had a lot to do with it. It being the secret. Dean remembers when his dirty little secret began.

He was twenty and Sam was sixteen. His brother was finally beginning to grow into his long legs and arms; it didn't look quite as awkward at least.

They were in a motel at another small, no name town, and John was out researching for a hunt a couple towns over.

Sam had just come out of the shower with a too small towel wrapped around his waist. Dean, who was cleaning a gun, looked up and felt his mouth literally go dry.

He had never felt so much want for one person.

Dean's eyes had watched drops of water slide down Sam's still young chest. He saw Sam's nipples perk from the AC. He watched as the water dripped down Sam's abs before reaching the tower clad waist.

Dean had yearned to see what was underneath that towel. He had been grateful Sam was too busy sulking to see Dean's fascination, but that was when lusting after his little brother became Dean's norm.

Dean had thought with Sam being in California, not only would Sam be safer, but Dean could get over his inappropriate feelings. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Wrong.

Dean discovered when he went to Sam's apartment to ask for help, and saw Sam wrapped around a pretty blonde girl, like he belonged there, and Dean felt nothing but angry jealousy; the lust had not gone away.

After Jess's death and Sam came on the road with him permanently, Dean had thrown himself at nameless girls and even some guys at bars or diners. The guys even had similar characteristics to Sam. They were tall or had brown eyes or long brown hair, etc. The guys always had something in common with Sam. The anonymous fucks did nothing to erase Dean's want.

Dean had to swallow down his jealousy the few times Sam hooked up. Sam definitely wasn't into it as much as Dean, and he usually had to care about the girl somewhat, but it did happen. Dean had to bite his tongue as his own urging of Sam to give Sarah a chance pushed Sam into kissing her. Then there was Madison. Dean was ashamed, but he felt just a little bit gleeful when she turned out to be the werewolf. He wasn't happy about her having to be killed, especially not when Sam was determined to be the one to do it, but he was happy she was no longer around to take Sam away. Dean still felt Sam's heartbreak, though, and did everything he could to support him. Ruby had been something a whole lot different, something Dean didn't even want to think about.

Dean didn't try to get close to any of his tricks. Lisa had been the only one he got somewhat close to, but when Sammy turned out to be alive; even she and Ben hadn't been enough for Dean to stay. Dean remembered what she said when he had been under the influence of the VERITAS spell. 'You two have the most unhealthy, tangled-up, crazy thing I've ever seen.' Lisa hadn't been that far off the mark.

Dean had realized long before Lisa that it wasn't simple lust he felt for Sam. That could have been easily ignored. He loved Sam, loved Sam more than he had ever loved anyone else. Dean felt like his abnormal feelings for Sam damaged something inside of him. He felt like he wasn't capable of loving anyone else.

That's why he had been so happy when he met Castiel. When he stared into the angel's eyes, he felt something stirring, the something that Dean had only ever associated with Sam in the past.

That day when Castiel popped into his room, and Dean was only in a towel, Dean wasn't sure what was going on. Castiel had opened his mouth and said "Sam" before his eyes took in the situation.

Dean had waited, raising his eyebrows even as his heart pounded. Then suddenly, Castiel was on him, kissing him with so much passion and need. Dean had returned the kiss in equal fervor. He had worked Castiel out of his trench coat before ripping his shirt off, uncaring of the buttons. Dean's lips had licked down Castiel's neck, suckling on the pulse point despite there being no pulse. He felt Castiel's hardness and without thinking about the consequences, had gotten down on his knees.

Dean had quickly taken Castiel's large cock out, thinking Way to go, Jimmy before taking it into his mouth. He had taken Castiel to the root, wanting to taste him so badly. Castiel's hips had bucked, and he briefly remembered that Castiel was a virgin. No sooner had he remembered that did Castiel cum in his mouth.

Despite what some people might say, Dean is not a complete asshole. He and Castiel didn't go any further right then and there. Dean didn't want it to be rushed the first time Castiel had sex; he wanted Cas to be able to enjoy it and bask in the sensations.

They did lie down together though. And when Sam got back, he seemed so nonchalant about it, Dean's a bit ashamed to admit it, but he was kind of hurt that Sam wasn't jealous.

Sam just seemed so okay with it. Maybe that was part of the reason behind Dean's sudden ignorance of Sam's obvious unhappiness. Well, there was that, and the fact that Dean wasn't as broken as he feared. So he might be a little in love with his little brother, but he could still fall in love with another person… er… angel. And he didn't want to do anything that would cause Cas to leave him.

Dean comes out of the memories of his and Sam's past. He knows he should have been there for Sam, and he wasn't. Now Sam's gone, and who knows where he is?

He does know that Castiel is going to find Sam, and when he does, Sam and Dean are going to have a long talk. Whatever problems Sam has, they are going to be worked out.

Sam thinks something is wrong in his head. Well, Dean will just have to get rid of that idea.

After asking a couple of other people near the motel about whether they saw someone matching Sam's description, Dean admits defeat and goes back to wait in the room.

He knows Castiel will come as soon as he knows where Sam is.