Chapter 6
There's a sound of wings and Dean turns around. He's still at the side of the highway. The police have long gone and asked if he had needed a ride somewhere. Dean had turned them away, wanting to wait for Castiel.
Dean looks hopeful at Castiel's appearance, but the hope quickly dies when he sees the angel's haunted expression on a face that almost never shows emotion.
Dean is afraid to ask, but he has to. "Is he..." Dean swallows. "Is he dead?"
Without answering, Castiel grabs Dean's shoulder, taking off angel travel. When he knows they have stopped, Dean cautiously opens his eyes, afraid of what he'll find. They're in the motel room, and Dean's eyes immediately go to Sam's bed.
He nearly collapses at the sight. Sam, to put it plainly, is a mess of blood and gashes. His arms are hanging at a weird angle as if his shoulders have both been pulled out of their sockets. He looks at Castiel who looks just as frightened. Dean has to ask again. "Is he dead?"
"Not yet, and I'll do everything I can to make sure it doesn't become a reality."
Dean waves an impatient hand. "Heal him then. What are you waiting for?"
Castiel nods, but he seems to hesitate. "I'm going to do everything I can…"
Dean's eyes narrow. "I hear a 'but' in there. What is it?"
"There may be some long term side effects. I'm not sure what they were attempting, but there is no way of knowing how his body is going to react."
Dean can see Castiel is afraid of accidentally causing Sam's death because he tried to heal him and needs to put his lover at ease. The angel is Sam's only hope. "The way I see it, he's going to die if left like this. There is no way he's going to heal naturally from his injuries. At least with you trying to fix him, Sam has a chance. So do it. Please Castiel. At least if it doesn't work out the way I want, I'll know everything possible was tried."
Castiel nods and slowly approaches Sam.
He places his hands on Sam's body and seems to focus. Dean sees Sam's injuries disappear before his eyes. Even his arms are no longer at an odd angle.
When Castiel steps back, Dean watches Sam closely. He frowns when his little brother doesn't wake up, doesn't even move. "Cas?"
Castiel sighs. "I told you there may be long term side effects."
"I thought you could bring people out of comas. You're a fucking angel!"
Castiel's eyes meets Dean's. "If the coma was induced because of the injuries, he should be out of it."
"Then why isn't he?" Dean demands.
"Probably because he doesn't want to be. Dean, we may not know exactly what happened, but we know he was tortured. His injuries are testament to that fact. I may not understand the human psyche all that well, but maybe his mind is keeping him comatose purposely due to fear."
"We've been through a lot worse and this never happened," Dean says defensively.
"You were always there," Castiel points out gently. "Essentially, he was alone through this whole ordeal. He probably has no idea we were looking for him. Most likely he thinks we never found out about him being captured. Maybe he's afraid to wake up because he fears he'll still be alone, and he doesn't want to face that fact."
Dean turns away, really wanting a beer, but he knew that wouldn't help Sam. He isn't good with emotional junk. "What do we do then?" he asks, turning back to his angelic lover. "How do we bring him back? How can we show him he's not alone?"
Castiel hesitates.
Dean, growing impatient, makes a gesture. "Out with it."
"I can go into his mind and talk to him. If he sees he's not alone, he should wake up. It's risky though. If his mind isn't at ease, it could be difficult to find him. I could become trapped or get lost. I might even damage his mind if I'm not careful enough."
"Well, you'll just have to be careful, won't you? Your idea is the only idea we have."
Castiel nods. "I was afraid you would say that."
Castiel mentally prepares himself. He has no idea what kind of rough terrain he might face inside Sam's mind.
Concentrating, he sees a door and mentally opens it before stepping inside. He hears it close and opens his eyes once again. He looks and sees the grey door behind him. I just hope I can find it once again.
Castiel then turns back to search what's in front of him and it's nothing like what Castiel expects. It's grey and mountainous. There's nothing happy about Sam's mind, but considering what he was subjected to, Castiel excuses the underlying depression.
When Castiel squints, he sees door upon door. He hopes his thoughts are wrong, but he has a feeling they're not. He has the idea that Sam's essence is behind one of these doors. To get Sam to wake up, he bets he needs to bring Sam out of the door, and to the door he entered the mind from.
Castiel wonders if there are any clues about what door it would be. Castiel shakes his head. That would be too easy. He surprises himself with that thought. I think Dean's cynicism has rubbed off on me.
Castiel shrugs his shoulders – an action he knows is very human. He knows it's another thing that he's gotten from the Winchester brothers. He goes to a door he sees on the left. When he opens it, he sees a small child being picked up by larger kids. Then he sees an older child coming to the small child's defense and scaring the bullies away. It must be one of Sam's childhood memories. Dean really has always been there for Sam, even at that young age. Castiel closes the door.
He goes to another door on the left and opens it. The scene is of child Dean making dinner for child Sam. He closes it, deciding not to linger.
He goes to another door and opens it. It's of Dean giving Sam a cupcake. "Blow out the candles, Sammy." Sam does so. "Happy 9th birthday."
Sam smiles, but Castiel can tell it's forced. "Where's dad?"
"I told you, Sammy. He's on a hunt."
Sam nods, but even Castiel can see the sadness in them.
Castiel closes the door, feeling sad for the Winchester brothers' lost childhood.
He has a feeling that the early doors are going to all have to do with Sam's childhood. He goes past a few doors.
Stopping randomly, when he feels he's walked far enough, he opens another door. He sees a ghost throw a young Sam against a gravestone. Then he sees an angry Dean hit the ghost with something made of iron, while another figure salts and burns the corpse. This must be when Sam and Dean are kids, after Sam has started to hunt. He sees the figure who is obviously Dean and Sam's father. He ignores an injured Sam to clap Dean on his shoulder. "You did a good job, son."
Dean happily smiles up at his father before going to help Sam up.
Castiel wonders if John Winchester made a habit of ignoring Sam like that, if Dean always had to pick up the slack. It would definitely explain Sam's bitterness where his father was concerned. Castiel can't really blame him if that memory is similar to what always happened.
He closes the door, grateful that Dean was there for Sam when their own father wasn't.
Castiel goes down a little further before choosing a door to open. This time he sees an older Sam, probably about sixteen. He's alone and Castiel is a bit disappointed to not see a Dean of twenty. He wonders how the man would have looked.
His attention is drawn back to Sam, who is palming a visible erection through his jeans. Castiel swallows. He knows he should close the door right now. He doesn't, though. He watches as Sam arches his back slightly as he squeezes. Castiel watches the hand as it goes to the buttons on Sam's jeans. He sees Sam pop the jeans open and push them down so his young, teenage dick pops out, half hard already.
Castiel's mouth goes dry at the sight of Sam touching himself so intimately. He should leave now. This is a big invasion of privacy, but Castiel can't make himself move. He feels himself harden, but he doesn't dare move to touch himself.
Exclude Explicit Scene
Castiel comes back to himself, quickly closing the door. He knows what he saw and heard. Sam was pleasuring himself while thinking of his older brother.
Castiel knows he should not have that information, but he does. He just doesn't know what to do with it.
Castiel goes to other doors. He sees Sam contemplating going to Stanford, believing the distance would help him get past his abnormal feelings for Dean. He sees Sam meeting Jess and the girl's untimely death. He sees as Sam's dormant feelings for Dean awaken as he silently craves his brother's touch.
He sees Sam's heartache when Dean pushes him away after their father's death. He also sees Sam's anger at their father for doing this to Dean.
He sees Sam's anger and pain after Dean's death, knowing he couldn't save the person that he loved most in the world. He sees how Sam falls prey to the demon, Ruby, and Castiel begins to understand just how vulnerable Sam truly was. Castiel remembers how harsh he was to Sam during that time and feels guilty, another human emotion that Castiel despises.
He sees Sam's wonderment when he meets Castiel for the first time and the hurt when Castiel basically ignores him. Castiel pushes the guilt away once again.
He sees Sam watch Castiel with a strange look in his eyes. That strange look is always there in the memories that feature Castiel. Eventually, Castiel sees something else that definitely wasn't meant for his eyes. It is very similar to the scene of Sam pleasuring himself with thoughts of Dean.
This time it's Castiel's name he shouts out. Castiel's eyes are wide with the new piece of information that Sam is lusting after him. He never would have thought it without the proof right there in front of him. He feels happiness, knowing how Sam feels about him. He closes the door, wondering what to do now that he knows. There's time for that later. Right now he needs to focus on finding Sam.
Castiel chooses a door a little further down. When he opens it, the memory is of Sam talking to himself. Castiel isn't interested in some inane conversation Sam had with himself, and he's about to close the door when something Sam said catches his attention.
"Neither Dean nor Castiel would ever want me. I'm Dean's brother. That's incest and wrong on so many levels. Castiel is an angel; I'm the 'boy with demon blood' running through his veins. We don't fit. The only reason Castiel even tolerates my presence is for Dean." Castiel doesn't like that Sam thinks that. He'll have to address that issue to Sam at a later date, when all of this is behind them. He tunes back into Sam's monologue with himself. "…and Castiel love each other. Even if they can't love me, at least I know they'd be happy together. Could I deal with seeing them together, knowing I'd never be a part of it, always on the outside, though?" Sam's expression is troubled. "I think I can, and all I really want is for them to be happy together, even if I'm excluded." Sam seems to come to a resolution. "I'll do it. I'll get them together if it's the last thing I do."
Castiel closes the door quietly. Is that why Sam ran away? Was seeing us together too much for him? Castiel knows that if his feelings for the both of them had been really strong, Sam must have been in immense pain for weeks before he decided to leave. Castiel remembers how Sam withdrew from the two of them, remembers how he barely slept. Castiel remembers how Dean had to practically force feed Sam. Castiel feels guilty, knowing that he contributed to Sam's pain. It is too late to go back, though. The only thing they could do is move forward. And to do that, Castiel has to find Sam. He'll figure what to do about his knowledge later.
Castiel sees other memories of Sam's feelings of loneliness as he watched Castiel and Dean, making the angel realize that they really did seem to exclude Sam quite a bit.
He finds the memories of Sam's torture. Although he wants to stay and see what the plans had been, he doesn't. He doesn't want to see how Sam became so bloodied. He doesn't think he can stomach it.
Castiel knows he should be getting closer to Sam, but there are no more doors. He walks forwards, hoping something will happen. Suddenly, the atmosphere surrounding Castiel changes. It becomes stormy and Castiel knows he's getting closer to Sam. The weather is supposed to keep the angel at bay, like a defense mechanism. If Castiel is anything though, it's persistent. It comes in handy right now, too.
He keeps walking as the wind harshly blows. Up ahead, a door appears. Castiel approaches it, hoping to see Sam Winchester behind it and not another defense.
He opens it cautiously. When he sees Sam inside, laying on a bed with his back to Castiel, he first thinks it's another memory. But then Sam turns to face him. "Castiel?"
Now he knows it's not a memory. In all of the other memories, Sam's never acknowledged him.
"Hey Sam."
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to bring you home," he says cautiously, not sure how Sam will react.
"I don't want to go," Sam pouts.
Castiel almost smiles, but doesn't. Sam has been through a lot and he's afraid how he might lash out. "Why not?"
"I'm all alone there."
"You're alone here, too," Castiel can't help but point out. He instantly regrets it, though. The first thing he should have done is to tell Sam that he wasn't alone.
Sam sits up and snaps his fingers. Suddenly there's Dean Winchester, but Castiel knows it's not the real Dean Winchester. "I can create anyone I want. I'll never be alone here."
"It's all an illusion, though," Castiel says, keeping his voice gentle.
Sam smiles sadly. "Sometimes illusions are better than the real things."
"How so?"
Sam bites his lips, looking uncertain and unbearably cute. Sam then stands up and kisses the illusion Dean right on the lips, a kiss that is happily returned. Sam pulls away first.
"See, illusions can be better than the reality."
Castiel's mouth had gone dry during the kiss. Instead of being disgusted, he is weirdly turned on by the sight of them together. If only this Dean Winchester was real.
He approaches Sam. "Do you know how much heartache you're causing Dean right now?" Sam shakes his head and Castiel wants to shake Sam's body, hoping to shake some sense into him. "When Dean first discovered you were missing, the only thing that kept him from falling apart was his mission to find you. And then when he first saw you, after I saved you, Dean thought you were dead. That's how broken you looked. And now to stay trapped in your own mind because you're scared, how selfish can you be?"
Sam is crying. "You don't get it, do you? I know this is all an illusion, but I like this illusion. It doesn't hurt. I watched the two of you for months. I just can't take it anymore. I thought I'd be okay watching the two men I love, love each other. I guess I'm not a big enough person to be able to handle it."
Castiel softens. He knows how much pain Sam is feeling and he feels guilty that he didn't realize it before he saw the memories. He hugs Sam. "You can't do this to Dean. He'll never forgive himself."
"It hurts so much. I know neither of you could ever love me. I'm a despicable, selfish—"
"Stop right there," Castiel interrupts that self-hatred tirade. "One thing I want to address is something I saw in one of your memories when I was searching for you. I don't tolerate you simply for Dean. Maybe I didn't do a good job of showing you, but I care for you because of you. Maybe at the beginning I was drawn more to Dean as Heaven sent me to guard him, but even if Dean was out of the picture, I'd still care for you. You're more than just the 'boy with the demon blood.' You're brave and intelligent. You're persistent and honorable. All of those are qualities you should be proud of."
"Did you see all of my memories?"
"Many of them," Castiel admits.
"Then you must know not only my sick feelings for Dean, even if I hadn't kissed the fake Dean, but my sick feelings for you."
Castiel nods. "Am I running away, though?"
"Why aren't you?" Sam asks, his voice vulnerable.
"I don't think there's anything wrong with you." Sam's eyes widen and Castiel leans down, kissing Sam.
Castiel closes his eyes and feels Sam resist at first, before the younger Winchester gives in. Sam's mouth opens up underneath his. Castiel knows this is an illusion, but wonders if this is how Sam truly kisses. If the answer is yes, then Sam is truly a gifted kisser.
His tongue explores Sam's mouth as the young body presses against him. He feels the hard cock and wants to touch and taste. It's a yearning Castiel has been fighting off for a long time. He pushes Sam onto the bed and his lips move to Sam's neck.
His arms are scratched by Sam's blunt nails as his body arches. Suddenly he is forcefully thrown across the room.
Castiel blinks, confused about what happened. One second he's devouring a very tempting mouth and neck, the next second he's being ejected.
He sees Sam still on the bed, hugging his knees. "I'm sorry," he whimpers.
Castiel stands up and cautiously approaches him, not wanting to make any sudden movements that would scare him. "What for?"
"I kissed you," Sam says as if it's obvious.
"I kissed you," Castiel explains. "You have nothing to be sorry about."
"What about Dean? Even if this whole thing is one big illusion, it's still a betrayal. I won't hurt Dean that way."
Castiel knows Sam is right, but he has a strong inkling that Dean wouldn't mind all that much. In fact, Castiel has a strong suspicion, that Dean would find the two of them together a major turn on.
Castiel always turned a blind eye when Dean looked at his brother in a lustful way. In fact, he thought it was a good thing. It stopped Castiel from feeling guilty about his thoughts of impropriety.
He can't tell Sam that. Not yet, not until he talks to Dean. First he needs to get Sam to come back with him, to wake up. "Sam, I promise you. You'll never be alone. Please come back with me. Wake up."
Sam doesn't answer.
Castiel plays the card he knows will work. "Do you want Dean to blame himself forever? You know he will. You know the size of his guilt complex."
Sam meets Castiel's eyes. "Tell him it's not his fault."
"If you really think that will work, you don't know Dean as well as I thought. And there's no guarantee he wouldn't try to make a deal with a demon to bring you back."
"He wouldn't do that again."
"Are you 100% positive of that? I'm not."
"He has you now, though." Sam is trying to rationalize, wanting so desperately to stay cocooned.
"Last time he had Bobby. That didn't stop him."
Sam hugs himself, but doesn't answer.
Castiel needs to figure out a way to get through to Sam. "Sam, Dean loves you. No one would ever be able to take your place. If you never came back, it would be like him losing the other half of his soul. Remember, you guys shared heaven."
"He has you; he doesn't need me anymore."
Castiel wants to yell in frustration, but keeps his facial expression even. "I could never take your place. Dean loves you in a way that he doesn't love anyone else."
"Not in the way I want him to."
Castiel turns away. He's debating whether he should tell Sam about his suspicions. He really wants to talk to Dean first so he doesn't get Sam's hope up, only to crush it once again. He may not have any choice, though. That hope might be the only thing to get Sam to leave the safety of his mind.
Just when Castiel has decided to come forth with the coveted information, a storm kicks up in the room as it begins to shake. It reminds Castiel of an earthquake. "What's going on!?"
Sam looks scared. "I think my body is being shaken. Did you kill all of the demons?"
"Meg got away. She used the other demons as a distraction," Castiel admits.
"Is it her then?"
"No way, I made sure the room was protected, especially when I know Dean is going to be distracted." It's as if he suddenly understands what's going on. "It's Dean."
"Why would he be doing this?"
"I've been gone for awhile. Knowing Dean, he has lost patience, and is doing everything he can to get you back."
Sam is holding on to his bed. "You need to go. Tell Dean I'm happy here."
Castiel loses his temper. He stomps over to Sam and shakes him as the room shakes. "Can't you see what you being here is doing to Dean? He needs you. You're the person that keeps him grounded. Without you, I'm afraid what would happen."
Sam pushes Castiel's hands away. "I keep him grounded. He's the one that has always kept me grounded. Why do you think I went crazy when he died? My anchor was gone. But—"
Castiel cuts Sam's refusal with another kiss, but keeps it chaste. "You can understand what it's like to be without an anchor. Don't do that to him. There is a lot of stuff you don't know about."
"Like what?" Sam asks.
"I want to talk to Dean first. Just come back with me." The room stops shaking, as if Dean has given up. "I promise you, it will be better this time."
Sam stares into Castiel's eyes, as if trying to see into his heart. He must see something because he pulls away. At first, Castiel thinks Sam is going to once again say 'no,' but he goes to the door. "You coming, Cas?"
Castiel smiles, relieved. Sam is coming home. He just hopes he has not read Dean wrong. If what Castiel expects is true, then the three of them could get everything they ever wanted. Castiel prays to his Father that he sure is no longer up there. Father, just give us this. After everything you have put us through, we deserve this one small happiness. Please Father.