Chapter Three: Teh Fartz Police

Vaati and Shadow did not leave the Kuroi HQ in high spirits. As was the norm in Hyrule, the temperature dropped considerably in the evening and it was now getting intensely cold. They debated going back in for sleeping bags, but Ganondorf had suspected they would try something like that and had locked the doors. The two stood outside in the cold glaring up at the bright orange light filtering through the warm- looking windows.

Ganondorf leaned out of his study window at the top of the dungeon. "You'd better make sure you get there before the Shiroi! If you don't, I'll..."
He paused.
"I'll..."
"All the time in the world, Master." Vaati called up, mentally calculating that the Shiroi were probably having tea and cakes with the Gorons right now.
"I'll think of something when you get back!" Ganondorf yelled, and disappeared back inside his room. He slammed the window behind him, causing a bolt to break off and clatter to the paved tiles below.
"Shame. I was kinda hopin' he'd fall out. An' die." Shadow muttered, earning a smack from Vaati (who couldn't help but silently agree).

Veran, the Sorceress of Shadows and Vaati's implied girlfriend, clambered out of the window. She landed gracefully and strode over to the two shivering sorcerers. "You two look pathetic. Hardly worthy to send out on a major military operation."
"Thanks for getting straight to the point, Veran." the purple- haired wind god hissed.
"You're welcome." Veran grinned. "You know I don't really mean it. I just mean it. Now c'mon- spirits up, boys! Think of it as a grand adventure!"
While the words were welcome, her cheerful optimism did nothing to dull the pain of the cold and biting wind at their skin. The trees bowed and swayed ominously as it shrieked through the turreted rooftops of the HQ. The open window clattered loudly, and Veran turned sharply towards it. "I'd better get back inside before Grannydork hears." she whispered, more to herself than the others. She turned for one final time towards Vaati and Shadow. "Listen, you two, I'm going now. Vaati- I'll keep Ghirahim busy for you and I'll make sure Grannydoofus doesn't wreck any more of your paperwork. Shadow- I think I'LL be the one looking after the mirror. I'll take care of the Hinoxes as well for you. Me and Bellum- once we've fished him out of the plughole- will protect the mirror. You two seriously have nothing to worry about."

The Kuroi dungeon started shaking violently, a sign that Ganondorf was going down the stairs. Veran winked at them both, and hurried back towards the house. She slipped in through the window, shutting it firmly behind her, and was gone in the welcoming yet inaccessible light of their previous abode.

Vaati and Shadow began their journey.
For the first night, they walked for as long as their feet would allow them. They travelled along bristling fields, shining rivers, and threadlike bridges from eras past in order to cover as much ground as they could, while they still had the energy. Most of the time Shadow lagged behind, childlike curiosity always engaged in something or other- whether it was merely a brightly coloured flower or a violent fire ripping apart another Shiroi domain, Shadow Link wanted to know everything about it. Vaati, knowing he would catch up, would stride ahead.

The two walked on in general silence, saving their energy for walking. They felt that if they opened their mouths, the cold air would rush into them and freeze in their lungs. Their breath seemed to freeze and drop to the floor in mid- air, and any exposed skin seemed to turn on and eat itself. The wind didn't help either, and several times the both of them had to chase their hats for half a mile or more.

"This is ridiculous." Shadow snapped as he crawled under a fence to try and locate his hat again. "I can't even SEE Death Mountain yet. What's 'bout you, Master?"
"Shadow, it's too DARK to see anything." came the reply, and as if to prove the point Vaati stepped straight on his head, plunging his face into a slushy puddle.
"MASTER!" Shadow wailed. "WATCH WHERE YA [CENSORED] STEPPIN'!"
"Oh, well I'm terribly sorry! Maybe you should keep a tighter hold on your hat!"
"You've lost yours five times!"
"This is your SEVENTH time!"
"...! Ah! There it is!"
Vaati gave up with trying to remonstrate with his creation as he watched Shadow leap on his hat like a playful tiger. He jammed it back over his scruffy hair, and blew a loud raspberry to nobody in particular.
Suddenly, the two of them heard an ominous sound behind them. Clip-clop. Clip-clop. Clip-
"BWAAAAAAAHHHHH! LIIIIIIINNNNNNKKKK!" Vaati and Shadow shrieked in unison, attempting to jump into eachother's arms and crashing into eachother instead.
"No, wait, does the Link of this era even ride a horse?" Shadow asked.
"This is MULTIPLE era, stupid. He can ride a blimmin' train if he wants to." Vaati hissed.
"A train?!"
"Spirit Tracks for DS."
"Wasn't that supposed to be Four Swords 4?"
"Yes, but they cancelled. Development hell, apparently."
"No, they just don't like you."
"I know."

A shadowy horse towered over them, with an even shadowier figure (A/N: Is that even a word?) seated erect on top of it. Although their silhouette shone in the moonlight, this did nothing but increase the blackness of the shadows decorating them. They looked down at the two Kuroi.
"I am an officer of the law. Or, to be more exact, a Hyrule Castle Guard." It had a masculine voice, sounding slightly rough as though they had a need to cough. "I have no choice but to arrest you two for a breach of the peace."
"Have we been breachin' the peace? How?" Shadow asked.
"Namely, um, farting in public. Listen, I know it's not really a crime, but I NEED to keep my job." the guard muttered, sounding embarrassed. Despite the situation, Shadow couldn't help but capitalize on his awkwardness.
"What was that? For Tim Imperbrick? Don't know him. Go to the post office, buddy."
"Shadow, he said FARTING IN PUBLIC." Vaati snapped. "And I regret to inform you, good sir," turning his attention back to the guard ", that we have most definitely not been carrying out such obscene behaviour."
"Well, there was certainly an obnoxious sound from this field." the guard replied.
"What, Shadow's voice? Or..." An idea hit Vaati. "Do you mean the raspberry he did just then?"
"Raspberry or not, I know a fart when I hear one. Sounds a bit like PHLRPBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT. And raspberries sound like BBBBRRRRRRTTTTTTTT. Whatever foul noise your friend made sounded more like PHLRPBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT to my trained ear."

Shadow sighed, world- weary. "Are ya'll gonna arrest us anyway?"
"Yup."
Another idea hit Vaati. "Where's the police station?"
"Gerudo Desert."

The wind mage considered this for a moment. It was worth allowing Shadow and himself to be arrested if it meant being taken as far as Gerudo Desert, which was a lot nearer to Death Mountain than they were right now. But then again, if they were taken there, they would obviously escape and would then be surrounded by the heart of the problem- the Gerudo. If they were to get out of the desert and continue on their quest, they would have to somehow sneak past them.
"We'll go." he decided eventually.

The two were bundled into a rickety old cart that looked as if it had never had maintenance in its life. They sat in nauseous silence as the floor rattled and bounced beneath them, making its way over broken paths and lumpy terrain. As there were no windows, they did not know where they were, nor how much time had passed. Vaati took time to explain the game plan to Shadow Link, who decided that it was the best course of action. Eventually tiredness dominated their minds and they lay down on the floor to sleep.

"AYABUGGABOOBOOBLAHBLAHBUGGABOOAYAAAAAAAAAA!"

Vaati barely had time to register the sound of Ganondorf's trademark war cry before the cart jolted violently, lurching sideways and sending him and Shadow crashing into the wall. Shadow jerked awake and the two clutched onto eachother's tunics as the cart rolled viciously from side to side. The shining blade of a sword flashed through the fabric covering it, sending splinters of wood and strips of fabric flying everywhere.

"Hang on, Shadow!" Vaati yelled. He swept his creation up in his arms and leapt to his feet, karate- kicking his way out of the cart and being hit with a lance in mid- air. He landed with an ugly- sounding CRACK on the ground.
Shadow leapt to his feet, accidentally standing on Vaati. Hearing his master's quickly stifled swears of pain, he stepped off and watched as carnage unfolded before him. Ganondorf, on his favourite black horse, was unleashing wave after wave of violent magical attacks on the guard and his steed, which was racing away into the night. The guard hung onto it with all his might, becoming nought but a black dot in the distance even as he attempted to turn the terrified creature around. The King Of Evil fired one more luminescent spell at him that briefly turned day to night, before turning his attention to the cart. With a click of his fingers, it disappeared into nothing.

Shadow couldn't help but applaud. "That looked amazin'! What a light show!"
Ganondorf jumped down off his horse, falling heavily on his backside as he slipped on a patch of moss. Shadow dutifully looked away as if nothing had happened as he dusted himself off and got to his feet again.
"Is everybody alright? I got here as fast as I could!" Ganondorf panted. "Was that the fool that kidnapped you?"
"We weren't kidnapped, Lord Ganon, we were arrested. We decided it would be a good idea to hitch a ride, 'cause the jail's in Gerudo Valley. But thanks for helpin' anyway... I guess."
A blank look crossed Ganondorf's face. "Wha- Oh yeah...! Goddammit."
Vaati groaned from the floor, briefly turning his master's attention to his plight. Ganon barely glanced at him for a second. "Hang in there." he said uncaringly, and resumed looking blank and slightly fed up.
"Lord Ganon, notta be rude or nothin', but my master's pretty hurt. Ya'll got any Heart Potion?" Shadow asked, and then an idea struck him. "No wait, hang on!"
He ran over to the two travels bags, mercifully unharmed, and unscrewed the top of the Heart Potion. He knelt down beside Vaati and pressed it to his lips. "C'mon, Master, drink up."
Vaati dutifully sipped at the sweet- tasting potion, feeling strength return to his weakening bones. Unfortunately, this meant he also got a bit of sensation back. He almost spat the liquid out as searing pain ripped up his body from his right leg.

"Oh, by the Goddesses!" he hissed. "What on earth...?!"
"I wouldn't look down if I were you." Ganondorf muttered, noting what had happened. He was no medical expert, but he knew that nobody's leg should be bent THAT way. "Your leg's supposed to bend INWARDS from the knee, isn't it?"
"I take it mine isn't, then."
"Err, no. It looks kind of funny, actually. You know, funny ha- ha. Can I take a picture?"
"Master! No!"
"I won't send it to Veran, I promise..."
"I think we should really concentrate on just gettin' him bandaged up." Shadow said, more to himself than anybody else. He magically procured toilet roll from mid- air (he wasn't advanced enough for medical equipment yet) and strengthened it using simple sorcery. He gripped Vaati's broken leg.
"Master, this is gonna hurt. Sorry." he said, and snapped it back into place with a loud CRUNCH.

1: 26 AM. The two astronauts on the Mars Voyager looked around in consternation.
"Hey, Jim, is something broken in here?" one astronaut asked. The other (Jim) replied "No, nothing's wrong. Sounds like someone screaming to me."
"Perhaps we've just crashed into an alien life form! But the radar says it's coming from Hyrule..."

1: 31 AM. Over in the local cemetery, a man who was previously dead popped his head above ground. "What on earth is that awful noise?" he asked.
The grave next to him stirred and another corpse sat up. "Sounds like someone screaming to me."
"Jesus Christ. How are we supposed to rest in peace with that thundering racket?!"

Vaati finally stopped to draw breath. Shadow Link and Ganondorf cautiously crept out from behind their hiding places, sliding their hands from their ears.
"By the love of Nayru, Master, ya scared all the crows outta the trees!" Shadow whispered. He looked down at Vaati's broken limb. "At least your leg's straight now."
Vaati, with great difficulty, sat up. He was sweating profusely. "You- are NOT- to touch me!" he hissed.
Ganondorf gasped gleefully. "Hey, I've just thought of something!"
His two minions looked at him curiously. Ganondorf thinking of something? This was unheard of.
"There's a shaman in Gerudo Valley who'll gladly heal Vaati's leg for free. She can remend bones and everything. It'll be like he was never stupid enough to break it!"
"You hit me with a lance, Master!"
"Can I help my eyesight? Anyway, we're currently in the middle of the desert and it's very dark. We'd better find shelter before a sandstorm blows in."

Without another word, Shadow and Ganondorf turned and walked off, more worried about getting sand in their eyes than their injured companion. Vaati cursed them from the bottom of his heart and began to painfully limp after them. They walked for about half an hour. As the first rays of the moon began to shimmer down upon the glowing sands, the wind also began to blow viciously. Sand was lifted up and whirled gently, then quicker, then violently around them. Eventually the two had no choice but to kneel down in the sand. Ganondorf pulled his large cape over him, which Shadow tried to get under but was pushed out again. The boy curled up in a ball instead, as Ganondorf wrapped himself in fabric and lay down, eyes squeezed shut.

"That should slow them down." Vaati muttered half a mile back, ordering the wind to become calmer. "Bloody backstabbers they are, too."

He hopped painfully along the sands, which nibbled at his ankle and threatened to pull him down. Sometimes he would find a half- buried crate to stand on and act as a viewpoint, hand shading his forehead like a ship's captain as he searched for signs of life. Sometimes his eyes would trick him, and he would hobble towards a shadow making their way across the sand only to find it was a drifting tumbleweed. Shadow Link had taken the travel bags with him, so he had no map and no compass to find his way. His feet and calves hurt from being pulled in and out of the sand constantly, but he knew it was important to catch up with his comrades. Without him, those two goons would never survive.
(Needless to say, he regretted Shadow even more).

Eventually he came across them, lying almost prostrate in the sand. He stood over them, face darkened. They did not move.
He raised a concerned eyebrow. Perhaps the sandstorm he had sent was a little TOO violent...? Then again, Ganondorf would never let himself die. He was far too important for menial things such as that.
"Psst, Shadow." he whispered, booting the boy gently. "Shadow!"
Shadow Link finally stirred, opening one sand- crusted eye and squeezing it shut again in pain. "[CENSORED], what a storm!"
"SHADOW! What did I tell you about using words like that?"
"Nothin', Master. Ya just said it was vulgar. An' then you swore too. It kinda cancels it out..." Shadow paused to magically procure a bottle of water from thin air and rinse his eyes out.
Vaati glared at him. "That's beside the point. Conversation over. Next topic-", he pointed at Ganondorf, who had still not moved ", -is he dead yet?"
Ganondorf groaned and propped himself up on his elbows. "Will you two stop talking so loud? I've got a pounding headache..."
Vaati and Shadow stared at him in half- concern. "You're hungover?"
"No, I've been asleep! Lying here, snuggled under my lovely thick cape, was so comfy I just drifted away. Now I've completely forgotten where I am. Where are we?"
The three of them took a moment to look around and take in their blank surroundings. Sand stretched out all around them as if there were nothing else in the world. You could almost see the curvature of the earth, as nothing stood in the way but the fine grains. Some crates and poles, left in the desert by travellers long ago, lay abandoned or half- upright around them, but there was nothing else to suggest civilization.
"...Here." Shadow said.