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Before I begin, I suppose I should explain some things. In this fic (and probably any other fics I'll write), the Shiroi is the codename for the good side, and the Kuroi is the codename for the dark side. It's what they're named in ANU, and I didn't think to change it in any other unrelated works. Sorry!
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The three huddled around a makeshift campfire (as they did not have any sticks to rub together, it was instead created by clapping their hands constantly and then putting them on the ground while they were still hot. In Hyrule, the laws of physics are broken somewhat).
"We must've looked really weird creating this..." Shadow yawned. "Just clappin' at nobody in particular..."
"Perhaps applauding Vaati's stupidity." Ganondorf sneered. Vaati very nearly flipped.
"Hang on a second, how was this MY fault?!" he snapped.
"You broke your leg and held us up!"
"I broke my leg because of YOUR terrible aim!"
"You two! Shaddup!" Shadow hissed, and wrenched the map out of the bag. "Listen, let's just have a look at this map to try an' get our bearings. Then, ya can resume the argument."
"Good compromise." Ganondorf announced, and leaned forward over the campfire to try and get a look. Needless to say, this did not go well.
"YAAAAAAAA[CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED]AAAAAAAAA[ CENSORED][CENSORED]AAAAA!"
"Wow, I didn't even know that word!" Shadow said in delight. Vaati cringed.
"Master, could you tone it down a little?"
"UGGABUGGA[CENSORED][CENSORED]LALALALA[CENSORED]HI DEHI[CENSORED][CENSORED]!"
"Master! Please!" Vaati snapped as Shadow gleefully repeated everything.
"BLAAAAAAAA[CENSORED]AAAAAAAAAA[CENSORED]DINGDINGD INGDING[CENSORED][CENSORED]AAAAAAAA!"
"You're just doing this to wind me up now."
After Ganondorf had put the flames out on his best robes, the three settled down again (relations somewhat strained). Shadow was much more in awe of Ganondorf, however, having never heard anyone who could sound like a Butlin's redcoat and a ship's bell in the middle of a swearing fit before.
Vaati snatched up the map and turned away from the two of them, studying it on his own. He traced the closest estimate to the route they had taken with his finger, and surmised that they were about 25 kilometres away from Gerudo Valley. His shoulders slumped in half- relief, half- despair. At least they weren't far away now, but could he REALLY travel all that distance with these two?
"One more slip- up from either of them, and I'm going it alone." he promised himself, and slipped the map under his belt.
He turned back to his travelling companions, who had been quietly exchanging swear words. They sat up straight and looked at him innocently. He narrowed his eyes. "We're moving out tomorrow. We're about 25 kilometres away from Gerudo Valley-"
"Home sweet home!" sang Ganondorf.
"Yes, Master, home sweet home. It appears that we shall have to make the journey on foot as we have no other suitable means of transport. I do not think we shall be able to teleport in this area as I detect a reading of strong magical interference which may disrupt our journey. Additionally-"
"Gimme that map! Are you SURE we're that far away?" Ganondorf snapped, whipping the map off his minion. He studied it, face creased with concentration. "AHA!" he roared triumphantly. "They call you The Computer, Vaati, but you are WRONG! We are actually 25 CENTIMETRES away from Gerudo Valley!" Ganondorf thrust the map at Vaati, poking the path they needed to take.
"...Master, that's map ratio."
After Vaati had explained to a bemused Ganondorf how map-to-real ratio worked (fruitlessly, as usual) the three decided to find somewhere to sleep. They knew it was too dangerous to sleep out in the open because the desert temperature could drop below freezing at night, and Poes were known to roam the area. Luckily, it wasn't too far a journey before they found shelter.
A small cylinder of bricks poked up from beneath the sand, with some bricks knocked out to create a small door. It led to about 50 metres below sand level via an old wooden ladder, and although it smelled a little musty at the bottom they decided it would do. They started to climb down, and Shadow had the bright idea of using Ganondorf's cape as a block on the opening, so that no sand blew in during the night.
They climbed down cautiously, but of course a rung on the ladder had to snap under Ganondorf's weight. Since he was coming down last, this meant he promptly knocked Vaati and Shadow off the ladder too, and they all crashed to earth in an ungainly heap. (This did nothing for Vaati's leg).
Shadow crawled out from the bottom of the pile, not able to BELIEVE how heavy Ganondorf was when he landed on top of you. Even Vaati, who barely ate, felt like a sack of bricks when you were underneath both him and his heavyweight master.
"Jeez, you two could be sumo wrestlers!" he whimpered, wondering if he had cracked a rib. He lay on the ground trying to catch his breath.
Vaati pulled himself out from under Ganondorf, with a little help from Shadow. "This is ridiculous. No wonder the Shiroi think we're a laughing stock." he whinged. Ganondorf sat up, readjusting his tunic.
"Vaati, don't be so negative!" he remonstrated. "We're the three most powerful Kuroi in the world! If anyone laughs at us, they go BOOOOOOOOM!"
"Why do they go boom, exactly?" Shadow asked, confused.
"'Cause we blow 'em up." came the reply. "Sounds good to me."
"Aw, come on, you two!" Vaati wailed. "All we've done so far is get things wrong! This whole thing is a comedy of errors!"
"No, it's not. Go to sleep now, it'll all be better in the morning." Ganondorf said soothingly, before procuring a large frying pan and hitting Vaati over the head.
Vaati woke up the next morning at 5 AM, head throbbing. He put a hand cautiously to his skull and felt a massive lump. He lay back down, trying to remember how that had happened, and clenched his fists as the last memory he had- a frying pan coming at him like a wrecking ball- returned to his tired mind. "I only said- well... I can't remember what I said, but I only said it!" he whinged to himself. "Maybe I should ring Veran and get her to teleport me back to the HQ... Damn, they must be having a good time over there."
He sighed and looked around. Ganondorf lay in a sprawled heap against the wall, snoring grotesquely. A small strand of dribble hung from his bottom lip.
Shadow Link was slumped against the ladder, cheek pressed painfully against the rung. Luckily, he was not snoring. The frying pan Vaati had been hit with the other night sat on top of a pile of embers, and was covered in some orange goopy substance. A can of baked beans lay empty next to it.
Vaati clenched his fists. "Eating baked beans without me... The barstads!" (Vaati had a very posh way of pronouncing swear words). He was just about to fulfil his promise and storm off by himself- but then, an idea struck him.
He dug around in the travel packs that Shadow held loosely in his hand and proceeded to spray Ganondorf's hair with Magik- Hold. Throwing the hairspray can aside, he separated his master's somewhat long hair into two sides. Working quickly and deftly, he teased them into stumpy plaits, and made them grow down to his elbows with a hastily whispered spell. Finally, he produced two bobbles (both with little penguins on) from mid- air, and secured the plaits tightly with them. He used magic to seal them in place, and stepped back to admire his handiwork.
"Hmm... Needs a shave, but he'll do." he muttered, a grin creeping over his lips. He put the hairspray can back into the bags, and arranged himself into a suitable "sleeping" position. He dropped off happily.
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"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL?!"
Ganondorf opened one eye blearily, then the other. The first thing he saw was Shadow Link, on his feet and pointing at his hair with a look of horror and badly- hidden amusement on his face. The second thing he saw was Vaati, propping himself up on his elbow and wearing a deadpan expression (as was the norm, whatever happened. Vaati had the same response whether he saw a moth or an axe murderer- another reason why he was nicknamed The Computer).
"Vaati, Shadow, why the hell are you staring at my head?" he snapped. "Gimme a mirror!"
Shadow showed him his reflection using the shining bottom of the saucepan. Ganondorf's expression twisted, gurned, and generally cycled through all the looks of hatred and disgust it was capable of-
"THOSE [CENSORED] POES!" he yelled. Vaati sat up in surprise. He had half- expected Ganon to have got him as the suspect straight away- he had even prepared an epitaph for himself.
"The Poes, Master?" he asked, unable to contain himself.
"I KNEW THEY WOULD COME BACK TO GET ME!" Ganon roared, head in hands. Shadow lowered the saucepan slowly.
"W- what happened?"
"I... I was walking through this desert a long time ago, and I needed a pee. So I relieved myself, as you do. I wrote your name in the sand, Vaati, as I didn't have enough pee to write mine." (Vaati blanched). "Nobody was around or anything... or so I thought! The next day, I woke up to Chinese water torture in the Spirit Temple because I had peed straight through one of them! And it was FEMALE as well! Apparently she had to retire because of shock and died the next day!"
"...How did she die if she was already dead, Master?" Vaati asked.
"Hey, I don't know. I just went with what they said. Anyway... THEY SAID THEY WOULD GET REVENGE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
The saucepan clattered to the floor. Shadow and Vaati could do nothing but stare at eachother and suppress laughter.
"It was you, wasn't it?" Shadow mouthed. Vaati nodded, and the two of them had to quickly escape from the shelter to get some fresh air outside.
A couple of minutes later, Ganondorf climbed up after them. Wrenching his cloak from the doorway, he pulled it miserably around himself. "I don't want to go to Gerudo Valley now. How can they see their leader like this?!"
"They wear veils, don't they? You can just order them to put 'em up over their eyes-"
"SHADOW LINK, IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!"
The three of them continued to make their way across the desert. Shadow insisted on singing old sea shanties until Vaati and Ganondorf told him to shut up, and for the remainder of the journey he dragged behind in a miserable sulk. It was even slower going than normal, since Vaati's leg had not got any better during the night and now resembled a blimp. He limped along with Shadow in the same state of despair, and Ganondorf wasn't in the best of moods either. It was constant amusement for his two minions, however, to see him stop and frantically try to pull the bobbles out. He would always give up, and trudge onwards muttering curses.
The sun was out, and although it beat down mercilessly on their backs its effect was subsided slightly by the frequent sandstorms. Vaati made no attempt to stop them, and neither did anyone ask- it was a great relief to feel the wind at their backs. Eventually the tents and watchtowers of Gerudo Valley made a tentative appearance over the horizon, spurring the travellers on greatly.
They fell into a good pace, not too quick for eachother and not too slow. Apart from a couple of insults now and then, there was no conversation between the three and they made their own lonely way to their destination. They merely followed in eachother's footsteps, kicking sand up in small flurries.
From the Gerudo fortress, an old lady watched them approach. She was dressed in a simple sari- type garment with a veil covering her crumpled face. The entirety of her frail body seemed to be made of tea- stained, crinkled paper that had been left to wither. Despite her advanced age, she was perched on the ledge of an open window, swinging her skinny legs back and forth with the wind. Her short, wispy hair fluttered about her face as she watched the travellers approach with narrowed eyes.
A younger girl, about 18 or 19 years old, stood behind her. She was not a Gerudo, but was still dressed in their traditional garments- basically, a bikini and veil around the mouth and nose. She had purple hair tied up in a large bobble, and wide red eyes. "Gera..." she began (this was the old lady's name). "Gera, is anything the matter? You seem awful interested in something."
Gera beckoned the girl to come and look. She pointed out towards the horizon with a scrawny finger. "Three men approaching. Men, Risky. You know what to do."
Risky peered out into the desert. "Oh yeah! Yeah, I see. Right, so you Gerudo... you imprison men?"
"Indeed we do. You're learning fast, aren't you? We were right to initiate you."
"Can I just ask... why DO you imprison men?"
"Because they're useless." Gera's usually weak voice became sharp and clear, her strict tones indicating the end of the conversation. Risky blanched, and raised her eyebrows. "As you say, Gera(!) I'll go apprehend them now."
Grabbing up her spear, she raced down the stairs of the fortress and onto the burning desert sands. She stifled a swear word as her bare feet reminded her just how hot it was, and tried to disguise how much she was hopping.
"Risky, are you doing Gangnam Style?" the Gerudo on top of the watchtower, Janai, asked.
"Yes, of course I'm doing frickin' Gangnam Style!" Risky snapped.
"Get with the times! The Harlem Shake is all the rage right now." With that, Janai turned round and whipped out a bugle from a belt around her waist. She blew it, and all the Gerudo immediately lined up in their positions. Janai blew it again, and the tribe automatically began to do the Harlem Shake- even Gera on top of her window. She promptly fell off and died.
Risky sighed and continued into the desert.
(A/N: Risky is NOT an OC, she is an actual game character. She's not from Zelda, she's from the Shantae game series ( ). Google "risky boots shantae" to see what I mean. I needed to put her in because in a fever dream last night, I had an amazing idea for her and Vaats! But no, he's not anything to do with her race. Sorry.)
Vaati stopped, hands on hips. "What on earth...? Is that the Harlem Shake?"
"Don't even THINK about it, Master. Ya already embarrassed me enough when ya did the cha- cha across the room at my birthday party."
"I never did! That was my evil twin. HARLEM SHAAAAAAKE!" Shadow and Ganondorf plunged their heads into their hands as Vaati proceeded to dance across the sands in delight. Shadow had to admit, he was very good at keeping up with dance crazes- and even better at dancing them- but MUST he do it in public? (Well, it's not like the desert was public, but he bet on his life a bunch of Gerudos were watching somewhere). They didn't even notice Risky approaching until it was too late. With a flash of purple, she apprehended them all and chained them roughly in cuffs, slapping duct tape over their mouths for good measure. Vaati was in the middle of a very complicated move, and ended up chained with one arm twisted around his neck and another chained to his ankle. "I would've loved to know what THAT was going to turn into." Risky muttered as she picked up all three of them single- handedly and carried them back to the fortress. "Mmmmph!"
"Mmmmmmmmph!" "Mmmmmmmmmmmmph!"
The attempts to speak were interrupted by a loud breakage of wind that propelled the group forward four metres, and a contented sigh.
Risky immediately threw the three to the ground and ripped the duct tape off their mouths (giving Ganondorf a bit of a shave). She glowered at all three of them in turn. "Right, who was that?!"
"Me!" Ganondorf snapped. "I was trying to tell you, but you had sown my lips together!"
"I hadn't." Risky held up the tape. "I used this."
"No, you unstitched my lips using magic. Now carry me again, peasant!"
Risky frowned. "Aren't you Ganondorf? Leader of the Gerudos?"
"Indeed I am! Do what I say! Carry me, carry me back to my kingdom!"
"How vulgar." she muttered- however, she decided to obey him anyway. She heaved him back onto her shoulders, and carried his two aides under her arms. In her annoyance and slight dehydration, she failed to truly notice Vaati and Shadow- however, she would later on. (Well, Vaati at least). For now, however, she simply trudged back to the fortress, well- worn feet becoming used to the harshness of the desert. She had used to be a pirate, roaming the high seas in search of treasure and power. She had always been held back, of course- you were not a true villain unless you had been apprehended by some force of good- but nevertheless, she had never given up on her quest for omnipotence. She had learned of the Gerudo tribe in Hyrule during her travels, and had become fond of the idea of joining them. The initiation process had not been too strict- the Gerudo were willing to accept any female who proved themself a competent fighter, and a talented actress (the Gerudo were thieves, see, and they needed to act innocent when committing petty crime in Hyrule Castle Town markets). Already being something of a supervillain in the world of Shantae, she had easily proven herself worthy.
She dumped the three at the gates, pausing to take a breather. Janai climbed down from the watchtower and cast a critical eye over the three.
"Okay then, Risky, you can go and have a rest now. I'll take care of these." she muttered. Her eyebrows suddenly shot up. "Hey, Ganondorf! Is that you?!"
"Indeed it is me, Janai! It's a pleasure to see you again! Hello, everyone!" Ganondorf shouted. The Gerudo took a break from patrolling or practising their Harlem Shake to turn to their master and bow, in one perfectly synchronised and fluid motion.
"Why... is your hair in plaits...?"
"NEVER MIND THAT! IGNORE THAT! THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN! Now shut up and let me renounce my duties as your LORD and MASTER!"
"What about us?" Shadow asked.
"What About Us, released in 2012 by The Saturdays. Peaked in the charts at number-" Vaati began.
"Lock them both up." Ganondorf announced, pointing accusingly at Vaati and Shadow as his wrists were uncuffed.
"Aw, Master!"
After being released from their chains, Vaati and Shadow were thrown without ceremony into seperate cells. The fortress was cold and dark, with gritty brick walls. The cells they were thrown into were no bigger than your average bedroom, with only a bench hanging from the wall to sleep on. They were in a large room, cut in half by said cells (two to a room). The cells were made of steel bars with a great enough distance of separation to pass food and drink through, but not enough for a person to slip through. The right and back walls were the walls of the room itself, whereas the left wall (where the cell was connected) was covered by a sheet of metal. The two mages were put into seperate rooms, so they could not talk to eachother. This annoyed Shadow, and worried Vaati greatly.
"Are you sure Shadow Link will be alright?" he asked the disinterested Gerudo who was locking the door to his cell. "Do you promise to look after him?"
"Hey, that's all down to Ganondorf's orders." the Gerudo replied. "Generally we will, though."
Vaati sighed. Well, it was something.
He wondered how long it would take the brilliantly thick Ganondorf to unplait his hair.
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shadowlinkhotnes: Thanks for the review! That's the first review I've got on this site so far, thanks for making it a nice one =)
I'm glad you agree with my depiction of Gannydork... however, I am loathe to tell you that Ghirahim's situation does not improve. Poor lackey!