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Guys, a little note. Firstly, thank you all soooo much just for viewing this. I genuinely thought I wasn't going to get any views at all. But, hey; now that you've viewed, why don't you review? (Thank you to those who already have!) I'm not asking for a full blow- by- blow analysis. All I want is your honest opinion. I'll accept and acknowledge any critiscms, and I don't mind how short or long your review is. It would just really make me happy to see what you think ^_^
Update: 25/10/13: Hey, I've been looking at this story's stats and have noticed something kind of strange. Views are pretty high UP UNTIL THIS CHAPTER. For this chapter ONLY they're lower, and then they rise again for the rest of the story! Is the chapter name putting people off, or something? Tut tut!
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Chapter Five: Carl Jung's School of Analytical Psychology (the full chapter name wouldn't fit in the box)
Life in the cells was predictably boring for the wind mage, who was used to using the terrifying power of wind to get his own way- his life, when he was not reluctantly obeying his master's stupid orders, was the epitome of freedom and whimsy. Ganondorf seemed to have forgotten all about their mission to liberate Death Mountain, and was enjoying his time as rightful leader of his tribe. Shadow was enjoying himself, however- he had always been mischievous, and would delight in teleporting in and out of the toilets (of course, there were only female toilets) to frenzied shrieks. He and Vaati would have to make several teleportations there every night to have wees. They would also have to take baths in the sinks, which was not a nice experience at the best of times.
"I wonder if they have CCTV here...?" Shadow asked one night, scrubbing his armpits.
"If they do, that's it for us." Vaati replied from the next sink.
"Grannybooby would vouch for us, right?"
"Doubt it. Shadow, you got any soap?"
"Yeah, here."
"Thanks."
They managed to dress and teleport back to their respective cells just as Risky was doing the night rounds. She quite enjoyed these rounds- the cool, serene desert night was infinitely better than the hot, frantic day. She strode around the fortress, swinging her lantern and humming shanties she had learnt from her time on the seas. Most of the cells were empty, and since she was allowed access to the keys, she would sometimes slip in and draw graffiti on the walls for fun. She had actually become quite an artist this way, and when she returned to sailing she planned to use her new- found skills and sell little paintings of the sea for a fiver each. As well as terrorizing everyone she came across, of course.
(A/N: Sorry, I have to say this. Bit of useless information for you- graffiti is actually derived from Italian, and thus is the plural because in Italian, anything ending in -i is generally two or more. The singular for graffiti is actually grafittO because of this rule. This also applies to the word panini, which is the plural of paninO. Interesting, huh?)
Risky sauntered over to Shadow Link's block, and peeked in his cell. He was prostrate on the bench, snoring loudly and dramatically. "You're not asleep at all." she sighed, half- amused. "For Pete's sake."
Shadow sat up, facade over. "What? But I even dribbled to make it authentic!"
Risky smiled and slammed the door shut again.
She made her way over to Vaati's cell. She reckoned he was related to Shadow- although their personalities couldn't have been more different, they both shared some obvious characteristics- namely red eyes, purple hair, and weirdly small feet. She was just glad Shadow didn't have the same purple skin as Vaa-
She stopped dead. Purple hair, purple skin, red eyes... come to think of it, her and Vaati were awfully similar! Could he... be related to her? Had she inadvertently helped to capture and imprison her own animus?
Spurred on by this awful thought, she quickened her stride to Vaati's block. Without even bothering to make her presence known, she unlocked the door with fumbling fingers and pushed it open. She was surprised to see the mage was still awake, sitting up straight with his legs crossed and hands in his lap. His eyes were closed as he commanded a tornado in Kakariko to dump a chicken through that infuriating Guru- Guru's window.
"...Vaati?" she asked. His eyes snapped open and he fixed her with his usual expressionless stare. "Uh, hi..."
"Hello. Doing the night rounds?"
"Um, yeah... Can I come in and talk?"
"Well, it's your decision. After all, YOU are the prison warden."
Risky took this as a yes, and entered the cell. She closed the door behind her, and shifted uncomfortably on the spot as she thought of what to say. It was a relief when Vaati broke the silence- with the same topic she had been wondering how to introduce.
"We look terribly similar, don't we?"
"Yes!" she gasped in relief. "Yeah, we do. I was just wondering if we were related, actually!"
Vaati raised an eyebrow, tracing the brickwork boredly with his finger. Risky noticed that he had done a detailed reproduction of the works of Rembrandt and Picasso with a piece of slate from the floor. "Hey, um... that's coincidental. I study those artists a lot..."
"What, Rembrandt and Picasso? Yes... I can remember having a dream about looking exactly like you. And I was studying these two paintings-" he waved dismissively towards the wall- "intently while on a ship... in the middle of a stormy sea... I'm quite unnerved about that, to be honest."
This knocked the once unflappable she- pirate for six. "Yes! How totally awesome! And I had a dream where I looked exactly like you, gender an' all, and I was in a prison cell drawing them!" She hesitated. "Hey... uh, do you read a lot of psychology?"
Vaati gave her a dark look. "You are not seriously suggesting that we are animus and anima? I am merely your masculine form, and you my feminine? If that is the case, then surely one of us does not even exist. One of us is the figment of eachother's imagination, or indeed just an alternate version of the other. This may be a serious existential dilemma if it is true."
"Buh- ah..."
The mage chuckled and leaned back against the wall. "Now, now. Gather your thoughts and speak again."
Risky took a moment to remember how to talk, and folded her arms. "Well, I bet I exist more than you! Nyaaaaah!"
"...Well, I don't particularly want to get into an argument about it. After all, that kind of psychology is far too deep for a ridiculous fanfic such as this."
"Yeah, it is. I don't know what the author was thinking when she was looking through the "Decode Your Dreams" book in that gemstone shop in Cornwall. She didn't even take her computer on holiday, so it's amazing that she actually remembered it for a whole week! That's kinda creepy."
"Her animus must be pretty nasty- looking." Risky grinned. "Haha, yeah... At least MY animus is pretty sexy..."
She stepped closer to Vaati, loosening her bra a little. He neatly sidestepped her sudden attempt at a kiss, leaving her tongue stuck in a crack in the wall. He watched her pull it free for a couple of minutes, then chuckled. "I really don't think that would be a good idea, Risky. Procreation with brickwork is still in its infancy nowadays."
"Blugga blug [CENSORED] sudda bla!"
"Affirmative." Vaati replied, pulling her free. With a neat flick of his wrist, he sent her flying out of the cell. She hit the floor with a dull thump and bounced to the other side of the room. Vaati leaned against the railings casually.
"I suppose you had better get going. I calculate you have approximately two hours of darkness left before dawn. I would suggest you continue with your rounds before the author realises we have been insulting her for the last few minutes and takes appropriate action."
Risky glowered. She couldn't believe this guy- did he have no feelings? Even in such a sensitive situation, he still talked like he was writing an essay. "Fine. On your head be it when she kills both of us and this fanfic ends several pages too early!" she snapped, and flounced out of the block. In her anger, she forgot to lock the door.
Ganondorf was woken by the sound of stones being thrown against his window. He clambered out of bed groggily and wrenched it open, only to have a pebble hit him full on in the eye.
"Vaati!" he hissed, recognising the figure standing outside. "How the heck did you escape?!"
"We have a mission to be getting on with, Master! We can't waste any more time!" came the response.
"Blow the mission, I'm having the time of my life here! The Shiroi can win this stupid w-"
The next thing he knew, he was being dragged by the hair across the gritty sands by an irate Vaati.
Shadow Link, having finally drifted off to sleep, was awoken again by a loud banging on the door.
"Risky, I WAS actually sleeping!" he yelled groggily.
"It's Vaati!" came a familiar voice from outside. Shadow swore and fell off the bench.
"Master?! How did ya get out of the cell?! I thought the loos were the only places without anti- teleportation spells!"
"Risky left the door open. Hang in there, Shadow, we're coming in."
Shadow heard Ganondorf's voice- "Hang on- WE?! What are you doing?! YAAAAAAH! PUT ME DOWN!"
He was forced to leap out of the way as Vaati charged through the door with an enormous crash, using Ganondorf as a battering ram. Bits of the lock mechanism flew everywhere and bounced off the walls as he stared in shock.
"Woah, I never knew Ganon's head was so hard...!" he whispered to himself. Vaati hoisted the now- unconscious King Of Evil up onto his shoulder and grinned to himself, self- satisfied. Wow, he could be clever at times.
"Master, stop congratulatin' yaself. That bang probably woke up the guard at Hyrule Castle." Shadow said.
"Nah, they're too busy preparing themselves for "the ominous threat of evil" that's coming. Princess Zelda has had another prophetic dream again, so that's bye bye to any life outside their job for another year. Anyway, let's be leaving before anyone here catches us. There are horses up the top end."
The three made their way out of the fortress as stealthily as they could (despite Vaati getting his abnormally long hair caught in the door, Shadow tripping over his own feet and falling down three flights of stairs, and Ganondorf burbling deliriously).
They approached the paddock cautiously, hearing the snores of the sleeping horses. "I didn't even know horses snored..." Shadow whispered. "Author's fault. Creative license, see." Vaati replied.
"On nature?!"
"I assume so. Hey, what's happened to Ganondorf's face?"
"It's turned into his bum!" Shadow giggled.
Vaati sighed. "Whoever the author is, tell them that's just childish."
The author raised her eyebrows and typed a couple more lines into her computer.
"Hey, what's that sound?" Shadow asked, senses suddenly alert.
"It sounds like an ominous roar..." Vaati observed.
The two turned round in sync to come face to face with a gargantuan dragon, twice the size of Hyrule Castle and as ugly as it was in the 8- bit days. It was your typical clich fairytale monster, with a snake- like body decorated with strong wings that could sweep a village to the ground, and spearpoint teeth that sparkled in the moonlight. It reared up with another hideous bellow, and with one fiery blast proceeded to torch the fortress to the ground.
Searing heat blew across the desert sands, flames fanned by the storm that was brewing. They flickered and twisted miles into the air, a hideous and yet somehow captivating sight. Vaati and Shadow could do nought but watch, entranced by their beauty. Although they were Kuroi, and had rendered much of Hyrule uninhabitable via the power of flame, they had never once seen it close up. As they watched-
The author got bored of writing descriptive prose and decided to resume her usual style of writing.
"Maybe we should get the heck outta here..." Shadow muttered. Vaati, snapping back to his senses again, silently agreed. Grabbing the boy's hand, he sprinted across the burning sands to the wooden paddock. The flames ominously licked at it as he blasted the lock open, causing a horse to bolt out in terror as the others pounded against the doors and pooed themselves audibly. He grabbed the nearest horse by the reins and, in a motion that would not have looked out of place if Link had done it, swung himself on single- handedly and seized its neck. He managed to regain control of the beast and forced it to gallop at top speed out of the doomed place.
Shadow clung on to his waist, claws digging into his skin. "Master, what'll happen to the fortress?" he asked in worry.
"The whole valley will be gone by tomorrow. Good riddance too." Vaati replied. "Hold Ganondorf for me, will you?"
As Shadow slid the King Of Evil off Vaati's shoulder, he was relieved to note that his face had now returned to normal. Apparently the author had decided the three had suffered enough. "Actually, he looked better when he was a bum." Shadow said to himself, and hoisted his master's master up onto his shoulder.
The scene that would have come next- the trio galloping off into the sunrise- would have been a beautiful scene if drawn and put to some classical music, but unfortunately the horse decided to stop and take a dump first. This somewhat marred the moment, and so I shall continue to the next section of the story and hope that another Zelda- esque moment occurs sometime soon.
The days were getting shorter now, and there was a definite nip in the air as Vaati slowed the horse to a trot. They had been travelling via horseback for just over an hour now, crossing the vast terrain of Hyrule Field, and needless to say he felt as though he would never be able to sit down again.
He stopped the horse outside Lon Lon Ranch, wondering if the owner- a pleasant, middle- aged man named Talon- would allow them to stay for the night. He was a Shiroi, but usually he was so drunk out of his mind he didn't even notice. His daughter, Malon, was a juvenile deliquent who was always out at dodgy parties in Castle Town until the small hours. Many people assumed it was down to a lack of a female role model, as Malon's mother- Halon- had been killed when Link ran her over with his train. It was a rather dysfunctional family, to say the least, but it meant that nobody in it cared if a group of Kuroi necromancers with sore backsides (well, two of them anyway) stayed the night.
Vaati tied the horse to the gate using his belt and knocked on the door. As usual, it was opened by a blind- drunk Talon.
"Farty, my old buddy, my pal, my frieeeennnnddddd!" he shouted, collapsing onto Vaati in a bear- hug. Vaati awkwardly patted him on the back and gently pushed him away, causing him to fall backwards onto a pile of fine crockery.
The crash succeeded in waking up Ganondorf, who looked around him in utter confusion.
"Blubber blubber... What a hideous dream I just had!" he murmured, and promptly fell asleep.
Vaati stepped over the doorway nervously. "Uh, Talon... would you mind awfully if we rested here for a while? We've been awake for most of the night for various reasons, and could really do with a nap." "You go on ahead, my boy. Make yourselves at hooooommmmmeeeee!" the farmer sang from the floor in between hiccups.
The three of them made their way upstairs to a drunken rendition of "Consider Yourself" from Oliver. "Oh, sweet Hylia." Shadow wailed, throwing Ganondorf onto Malon's bed. "Why is there only one bed?!"
"I'll sleep on the floor." Vaati said, enjoying the feeling of self- pity this gave him. "I shall pull Ganondorf over me to keep myself warm... I shall sacrifice my already shattered body to the splinters... I shall let myself be devoured alive by the lifeforms that breed here! ... While you, sweet Shadow, sleep in peace, mindful of my tragic sacrifice. May you- Hey! I was still talking!"
His words fell on deaf ears. Shadow was already asleep.
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Thus, we end a worryingly intellectual chapter with a worryingly intellectual joke.
Q: Why does Karl Marx only drink Tesco's Own- Brand tea?
A: Because proper tea is theft.
Fear not, things will return to their usual asinine ways next chapter!
shadowlinkhotnes: Once again, thank you for taking the time to review my work. I'm so glad you're finding it entertaining. The notion of Ganny in plaits was irresistible! Aaaaand now I have humiliated him AGAIN by turning his face into a bottom. Things are going to get steadily more childish, methinks =)
GhiGhi2857: Mighty GirlyGanondorf? Heh heh, are you implying Ganny should have a gender swap? That I'd like to see, if I can get around to it. When I saw the start of your review, I thought you had gone a little insane and was just typing random capitals. Thanks for the following (thankfully more coherent) review!