Chapter Six: The Incredible Vanity of Prince Ralis
Ganondorf finally came around about midday, just as Vaati (who had got so many splinters from the floor he had simply crawled into Shadow's bed anyway) fell into REM sleep. Looking around him, the King Of Evil tried to recall the events that had led him here, but drew a blank again and again. Cursing his memory (well, he couldn't help it. He had been unconscious!), he shook Vaati awake viciously.
The mage leapt up, hat askew and cloak tangled around him. He blinked once, twice in the sunlight filtering uncomfortably in through the window. Ganondorf leaned over him.
"AAAAYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! MONSTERRRRRR!"
Shadow leapt up. "Who? Whuzzat? Where?"
Registering Vaati's scream and seeing a giant, hulking mass bending over him, he automatically raised his arm and sent a powerful blast of magic towards the figure. It blasted into the wall, knocking down several portraits and sliding down it like one of those annoying birds that crashes into your car windscreen on the A470.
Vaati, just getting his senses back, gulped nervously as he realised that it was actually his master, and not some evil being, that had been bending over him. He got out of bed and cautiously tapped Ganondorf on the shoulder.
"Master? Are you unconscious again?"
"No, I'm not. And whoever threw that spell can go and scrub the decks." Ganondorf muttered.
Shadow frowned. "Huh? We ain't on no ship!"
"We are NOT on ANY ship." Vaati corrected him. "Double negative, Shadow."
"...Whaaaa?"
Ganondorf pulled himself to his feet unsteadily. "Shut up, you two. One of you had better explain how the hell we got here."
After a quick game of Rock, Paper, Scissors (best of 3), Vaati won the deciding match. This meant that the onerous task of explaining their situation to the dim- witted Ganondorf went to Shadow.
"Remember, baby talk." Vaati whispered, and he went downstairs to fix himself a late breakfast.
Shadow gulped. This was going to be hard.
When Vaati came back upstairs after a breakfast of toast and Lon Lon Milk, he was surprised and more than impressed to find Ganondorf completely aware of what had happened- and, even better, he understood everything. He put it down to some kind of intelligence spell Shadow must have cast, and decided the time had come to move out.
"Okay then, guys, we had better get to Death Mountain. It's just across Hyrule Field, to the north, and through Kakariko Village via the aptly named Death Mountain trail. Do you agree with me, Master Ganondorf?"
Ganon nodded. "Yeah, what you said. Duhhh." Obviously the spell was short- lived.
Shadow slung the travel bags over his shoulder and the group made the effort to tidy up the bedroom, before trooping out of the house. Of course, they nabbed a few things from the cupboard- namely food and a pretty mug Ganondorf liked- and then untied the horse they had fastened outside last night.
With the extra weight of Ganondorf now squarely plonked upon it, instead of being balanced evenly on Shadow and Vaati's shoulders, the horse had a bit of trouble setting off. It was only when Shadow came up with the bright idea of setting its tail on fire that it finally moved.
As they galloped delicately across Hyrule Field (ha ha, sarcasm), Ganondorf allowed Vaati to sit on his shoulders and act as lookout. Vaati took on this job with relish (ha ha ha, sarcasm) and perched upon his master. He suddenly whipped round.
"Shadow Link! Any reason why you're looking up my tunic?"
"Sorry, Master. I don't actually know whether you're male or female."
"Wha-?"
Vaati's exclamation was cut short as the horse, having come across Zora's River, dug its hooves into the ground and stopped sharply. The three of them promptly flew head- over- heels 20 metres through the air and landed with a large splash in the river. Ganondorf, through merely landing, killed off three Zoras.
Vaati and Shadow crawled onto land, dripping and shivering. Ganondorf remained in the water, thrashing around and screaming.
"What a wuss." Shadow muttered to Vaati.
"Shall we leave him there?" his master replied in a low voice.
Shadow nodded.
Unfortunately, at that precise moment a giant owl swooped down and whipped Ganondorf out of the water. It hovered ominously above the two Kuroi on the ground, its shadow casting a slash across the field as the King Of Evil struggled in its steely grip.
"Kaepora Gaebora?!" Ganondorf yelled, twisting around to get a good look. "Aren't you Shiroi?"
"Naah, it was too boring. Just waiting, day after day, for Link to run up to me and look at me with those big eyes... So damn corny! And always expecting me to bloody give him directions to the nearest METRE... He wouldn't even thank me! The boy is bloody mute! So, yeah, I've crossed over to the dark side. You guys are a lot more vocal." He glanced at Vaati. "And a lot more androgynous. Seriously, listen to what the Internet's saying, Vaats. Nobody has a bloody clue."
With that, he dropped Ganondorf without ceremony onto the riverbank and flew off.
"Well, he couldn't really stay Shiroi with THAT language, could he...?" Shadow mused. Vaati looked slightly hurt. "Does anybody here know my gender?"
Ganondorf and Shadow looked at eachother.
"Nope." "Not a clue."
"We just reckoned you were male by default. Why, are you female?"
Vaati seemed to consider this. "Well, I'm technically a Picori. So I don't actually have a gender."
(A/N: In my works, the Minish don't have genders due to a gag scene in my manga that ran and ran. Apologies!)
"You do now." Shadow pointed out. Vaati gave him a withering glare.
"Thank you for reminding me, Shadow Link. I am sure I would have quickly forgotten otherwise. Anyway... I'm not too sure of my gender myself. Us Picori did HAVE lessons on how to sex humans, of course, but... uh, I was too busy working out quantum theory to listen. And then the humans went and took my idea! See what I'm up against?!"
"So... you don't know OUR genders either."
"No idea. And I don't WANT to know how to sex humans now, either. Call it blissful ignorance, if you will. By the by... where are we?"
The three looked around. They failed to notice the steps neatly cut into the mountain, curving up into the great beyond. (A/N: I made exactly the same mistake on my first playthrough of Ocarina Of Time. I spent about a week panicking that I had got a rouge copy of the game where Death Mountain didn't exist! Haha!) All they saw was the Zora's River, stretching underneath a vast rock face that hid the waterfall under it in shadows. They walked over to it and peered over the edge cautiously. Below, a frozen wasteland met their eyes, dotted here and there with flat islands of rock upon which small groups of Zoras huddled. Around the ice pool, a path of grainy, crystal- infused rock wound its way around the domain. Stalactites hung precariously from the ceiling, and some had even fused with the path after millions of years of being left undisturbed. There were little hollows like doors cut into the walls which the path connected to. Inside, faint glows could be seen emanating from them, presumably from fire in a desperate attempt to melt the ice without harming the Zoras for which it was now home. They were like mini furnaces, but to no effect. There was a large set of stairs delicately carved into the path at the far end, lit by two torches at the foot of the first step and leading up into the wall.
"Oh my goodness." Shadow breathed. "They really went all out with the interior decor here, no?" Vaati noticed the tinsel hanging from the walls. "They reckon it's Christmas since everything's frozen. The fools."
Ganondorf let out a large, self- satisfied bellow of evil laughter. "Moo ha ha! This pathetic race has not a clue! It is I, the great and really hunky Ganondorf, who has confined your domain to this ice- encrusted shell! MOOOO ha ha!"
"Did he grow up on Lon Lon Ranch?" Shadow asked himself. Ganondorf heard, and his face twisted into a snarl.
"Fine! If you want to insult my evil laugh, peasant... THEN DIE!"
With that, he reached out a hand and smartly pushed Shadow over the edge. Vaati shrieked girlishly and leapt forward to save him, but found himself snatching at thin air. He swore loudly and whipped around to face his master.
"That- was- CRUEL!" he hissed. "Do you have no sense of morality?! Those Zoras will be cleaning Shadow guts up off the ice for weeks!"
Ganondorf made a half- hearted attempt at a fake sob. "Poor Vaati! Your poor little son, mangled on the floor!" He grinned viciously. "Well, if you like him that much, jump down and save hi- WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
He was cut off mid- sentence by a sharp kick to the backside, courtesy of the wind mage. He promptly staggered dramatically and fell over the edge, after making time to blow a rude raspberry at his long- suffering minion.
Vaati stood at the edge of the drop and watched him fall. He wondered absentmindedly where Shadow had gone- had a bottomless pit opened up in the ice or something? Was Gannydork going to go the same way? (He hoped so).
There was a female yell in a foreign language, and Risky shot out of thin air to catch Ganondorf neatly in both arms, tripping and skidding across the ice as she did so. She also had Shadow under her armpit, and he didn't look best pleased.
Vaati couldn't help himself. "Risky, what the hell?!" he called down.
Risky looked up, and saw him. Her eyes narrowed to slits and she promptly dropped both of his travelling "companions". She marched over to the bottom of the drop, and called up.
"Oh hey there, Ribena-"
"DON'T CALL ME RIBENA!"
"Well, you look pretty purple to me. Anyway, since you've practically BROKEN MY HEART-"
"How can I break a cardiovascular organ? It's inside you!"
"DON'T INTERRUPT ME! -What I've decided to do is merely SEAL you in here! This whole domain represents your FROZEN HEART! I hope you enjoy your tomb, you freak!" she screamed up, and teleported in a hail of sequins. Vaati looked behind his shoulder to see a massive gate suddenly appear behind him, and slam shut onto the ice. The surface did not crack at all, merely splintered at his feet as he stared in incredulous anger.
Shadow called up to him. "Way ta go, Master! But whadda we gonna do now?"
Vaati did not turn round. He seemed rooted to the spot, clenching and unclenching his fists. "I... don't know. But Risky is going to GET IT when we escape!"
He gasped as he felt a hand grab the back of his tunic and wrench him off his feet, pulling him backwards and thrusting him with a loud crash onto the ice far below. He lay there for a minute, winded. He sincerely hoped that wasn't Dead Hand from Kakariko Well making a return. Old Deady was a valuable asset to the Kuroi, but got mistaken for the Shiroi girl who was constantly stuck down the toilet (the hand from Majora's Mask and Skyward Sword) so much, they had had no choice but to let him go.
It was only when he felt his backside beginning to freeze to the floor did he finally get up. He turned to Ganondorf. "What the hell was that?"
"It was me. I forgot to tell you I have a super- bendy hookshot, didn't I?" Ganondorf announced proudly, whipping it out and thrusting it at Vaati. "Want a go?"
"I don't see how that could possibly aid us..."
There was a slight PSH- PSHing noise as a Zora walked over to them. The creature stood regarding the two sorcerers arguing over the use of a hookshot in a place with completely impenetrable surfaces. It was Shadow that noticed it first.
"[CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] what the [CENSORED]?!" he shrieked, leaping about a foot in the air. Vaati noticed it too, and calmly explained what it was.
"A Zora is an aqueous creature, somewhat anthropomorphic in appearance." (A/N: Give me kudos for knowing how to spell "anthropomorphic" off the top of my head. Ka- POW!) "They are a generally a peaceful race, although those who inhabit the rivers or locations near to the rivers such as these tend to have Kuroi tendencies."
"Explain that again, Ribena, IN HYLIAN." Ganondorf growled.
"Zora is swimmy- swim bad guy. Looks like you."
Ganondorf regarded it for a second. "It doesn't look in the slightest like me! I'm the hunkiest Zelda character alive! Look at it- that thing is made of flab!" He poked the Zora's flat stomach, blowing a loud raspberry in its face.
It turns out that that particular Zora was the prince of his race (Prince Ralis from Twilight Princess) and had something of a high opinion of himself. This meant that the three once again ended up thrown in prison cells. Or, to be more precise, A prison cell. The iron bars clanged shut before them as the guards slammed the door across. A locking mechanism clicked into place and sealed them there.
"Oh, sweet mother of Hylia! We've only just got outta the last one!" Shadow wailed.
Ganondorf got up and rattled the bars furtively. "Hey, guys! I'll give you loads of Rupees if you let us out!"
A guard poked his head back around the corner. "Specify a number."
"What? VAATI!"
"How much, Master." Vaati sighed.
"Uhhhh..." Ganondorf counted on his fingers. Eventually his dim face lit up in a smile. "Twenty- teen!"
"Master, that's not a number." Vaati whispered. "It is now!" Ganon shot back. He turned back to the guard. "Well?"
"Until you learn to count, you're staying in there." came the reply. Ganondorf turned round so his backside was facing the guard and promptly broke wind over him to signify his displeasure.
Far, far away, Wario smiled. He should really sign this one up.
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Heads up! If you visit my profile page, you will see details of my latest fic! (I'm just trying to get more profile views, I'm shameless). It's one about everyone's favourite David Bowie lookalike, Ghirahim, and his worst assignment yet. I haven't decided what characters I'm going to put in this one yet, I'm just writing it as I go along. Anyway, it's called Ghirahim's Raw Deal, or A Bad Time To Go To Skyloft. (Full title). Please, if you can, take a look! I'm updating VERY slowly, though, but Chapter 2 should be up by Saturday.
Oh, and tut tut! No reviews, yet a MASSIVE surge in views! I must say, thank you lot for viewing so much, even if you don't have so much to say! ^_^ -