-
Just to say, THANK YOU to Shadow Rinato who favourited/ followed this story! It's support from people like you that keep me writing! Thank you very much! =)

Aaaanyway, you may have to forgive me. I will probably be updated much slower after this because, DOOM DOOM DOOM, school/GCSE commitments are getting in my way. I swear I may be dead from overwork pretty soon =(
Anyway, should you wish to know more about my dire situation, there are more details on my profile. Please, don't laugh at my misfortune!
-

Chapter Seven: Evil Villains Have Swell Apartments!

To say it was uncomfortable that night was to make an understatement so huge that even his friend Understatement Of The Century is secretly jealous of him. The cell had actually been built to hold the ChuChus that had inexplicably plagued Zora's Domain after Link spilt a bottle of Chu Goo all over the place. Up until that ugly moment, nobody had actually known how ChuChus reproduced. That changed very quickly, and since then the Zoras had tried every preventative measure possible to no effect- until one day, a salesman named Tingle visited the domain. The ChuChus were quickly frightened into submission by this terrifying new enemy, and promptly shrivelled on sight of him. Since then, no ChuChus had ever been seen there again.

Unfortunately, this lengthy backstory revealed that the cell they were in was VERY SMALL INDEED. Since ChuChus were so gelatinous, they could be squashed into as tiny a space as anyone wished. And this cell was definitely too small to be holding humans As it happened, the only way the three could fit in there without dying of asphyxiation was to all sleep on top of eachother. This resulted in a human sandwich. The logical order should have been heaviest to lightest- therefore, Ganondorf at the bottom, Vaati in the middle, and Shadow at the top. However, since Ganondorf's overinflated ego dictated that he should ALWAYS be on top of EVERYTHING no matter what the situation, this meant the order read as thus: Vaati, Shadow, Ganondorf.

"Master, you're crushing my ribs..." Vaati gasped.
"Oh, take it like a man!" came the reply.
"...If you ARE a man." Shadow dropped in.
(A/N: Dawwww, unnecessary quotations).

After Shadow had been strangled, the three settled down for an uncomfortable night's sleep. Ganondorf rolled over in the night and landed with a loud thud on the floor, much to Shadow's relief who promptly did the same. Vaati was left on his own, thankful that the enormous weight pressing down upon him was vanished. He took off his cape and used it as a blanket, until...
BRIIIIIIING! BRIIIIIIIING! BRII-
"Goddammit! Veran!" Vaati snapped, snatching up his phone from inside his pocket and looking at the number. He quickly answered the call.
"Vee, this is NOT a good time." he whispered. "We've got arrested for the third time since we set off and it's 3am here. What's up?"
"Just calling to say that some race calling themselves the Kikwi broke into the HQ and stole the Dark Mirror. They've taken it to one of the Links, I think. Nothing major."
"Sure, alright then. 'Night."
Vaati cut the call and went to put it back in his cloak's inside pocket. Then he froze.
"OH [CENSORED]!"

To cut a long story short, after Vaati's frantic awakening the three stayed up all night planning how to escape as quickly as possible.
"We could dig our way out with spoons!" Ganondorf suggested.
Vaati glared at him. "We don't have spoons!"
"Couldn't we summon them?"
"Summoning cutlery is seriously advanced magic! It'd drain us of the little power we have left!"
Shadow piped up. "Could we blast our way out?"
"No, they've put a barrier around the cell. It'd just reflect it back at us."
Ganondorf groaned, head in hands. "Oh, the Kikwi have got the Mirror! What on earth could they want it for?!"
"TO SMASH, YOU THICK LUMBERING MASS OF FAT!" Vaati screamed, beside himself with panic. "WHAT ELSE DO YOU THINK? TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES?! THEY'RE SHIROI! SHIROI, GET USED TO THE WORD!"

Ganondorf scratched his head. "If they smash the Mirror, though, you and Shadow will die.
...That's bad, right?"

Vaati would have burst into tears right there and then if there hadn't been an almighty crash from outside the domain. A large crack appeared in the ceiling, which quickly spread across the entire area and down the walls. Echoing around the room, there came a mighty, disembodied voice from outside as if it were the voice of God.
"Behold my fabulousness! Marvel at my brilliance! For I am none other than- GHIRAHIM!"

With that last word, the slender white figure of the sword spirit morphed through the wall and swung around in a flamboyant dance in mid- air. He finished in an arabesque pose, fingers pointing to the sky, when he happened to look down and see not only the groups of Zoras watching with open mouths, but also his three superiors gesturing wildly to him from their cell. Being rather quick, he realised what had happened and zapped a glowing ball of electrical light at the walls. It hit with a violent CRACKKKK and the cell split open, crumbling and crashing around them.

Ganondorf was first to scramble out of the wreckage. "GHIRAHIM! What are you doing up at this time of night?"
Shadow pushed him aside. "GHIRAHIM! Get me a chamberpot, I need to pee!"
Vaati barged Shadow and Ganondorf aside. "GHIRAHIM! Thank Demise you're here!"
The sword spirit lowered himself to the ground and performed an elaborate bow. "I thank Lord Demise I am here every day, Master." he said in a low voice.
"Ghi, ya saved us!" Shadow sang. "Nice goin'!"
"So, where are you three headed? I can teleport you there." Ghirahim announced, proud to be of service.
"Death Mountain, in order to liberate it from the Gerudo." Vaati said quickly before Ganondorf could get a word in. Knowing the King Of Evil, he'd probably get them all lost or something. Ghirahim nodded. "Your wish is my command. Hold hands and close your eyes...!"

Five seconds later-
"OH SWEET MOTHER OF HYLIA SHADOW GET OUT OF THE WAAAAAAAAAAAY-!"
Shadow Link shrieked and rolled to the side (for some reason he was lying on the floor) as a bus roared past, shooting straight over where he had been lying seconds before. It kicked up a pile of tarmac that coated him and left him coughing.

"Where the [CENSORED] are we now?" Ganondorf yelled, picking himself up.
Vaati pulled himself to his feet as well and looked around. "Oh, sh- ships." he added quickly, seeing Shadow looking at him expectantly.

Ganondorf whirled round to point to an immense cylindrical structure towering above them. "What does it say? I can't read it." he moaned.
"It reads "Millennium Stadium", Master. We've ended up in an alternate dimension!"
The King Of Evil let this sink in for a second.
It was a very long second.
That soon ran into a minute.
That soon ran into ten minutes.
"...Duhhhh. I don't get it."

Vaati could have screamed the place down then, but instead merely take a deep breath and let Shadow do the frustrated howling instead.
Ganondorf shushed Shadow impatiently. "Shush, I'm thinking!"
"Nothing new, then, Master." Vaati hissed. The wind mage found himself being picked up by the collar and thrust over the white railings that separated the place they were standing from the deep- looking river flowing rapidly through the city centre. Ganondorf snapped in his ear. "Believe me, I'm quickly losing patience too. I wish-"

"Excuse me! Put that man down NOW!" a voice came from next to him. Ganon swore and dropped Vaati straight onto the railings. He whirled round to come face to face with a large policeman with a hat a little too large for his head.
"And who are YOU to tell the King Of Darkness who to put down?" he snapped.
The policeman glared. "I am responsible for the upkeep of law in the city of Cardiff. If you're not careful, I'll have to arrest you for disorderly conduct- as well as being aggressive towards a member of the public. What on earth were you doing?"

Vaati spoke from his position bent double over the railings. "It's okay, your policeness. I allow him to do this to me. He's my master."

The policeman shook his head. "I'm sorry, but I can't allow you to be treated like this. That is a completely unacceptable way to treat any member of the public. Are you two from around here?"
Shadow spoke up. "Nah, we're from the glorious land of Hyrule, currently in the middle of one HELL of a war! Wanna hear details?"
The copper could do nothing but stare in confusion. "I've... never heard of Hyrule. I don't even think that's a place, mate. Listen, I think you might be drunk. You're dressed pretty strangely as well. Cosplaying, are we?"
"Cos? Playing? Cos is a lettuce, isn't it?" Vaati mused. Ganondorf clipped him and Shadow around the ear in one swift movement.
"Let ME handle this!" he snapped. He turned to the copper and cleared his throat formally. "Actually, we're not playing with lettuce or anything like that. We've been teleported here from an alternate dimension, even though we told that IDIOT Ghirahim to take us to Death Mountain!"

The policeman shook his head and sighed wearily, convinced he was once again encountering the nutters he frequently found wandering the streets on match day. He fiddled around with his belt and addressed them as a whole. "Listen, for now I'm going to give you a warning. I'm not going to arrest you this time because personally, I just think you've had a bit too much to drink. But I'm imposing a curfew on you- you have to leave this area now and not return for 24 hours. Wherever you're from, that's how the laws work around here. Do you understand?"
Vaati, as usual, spoke up before Ganondorf could protest. "Yes, we understand. We shall vacate the vicinity immediately."

Satisfied, the copper nodded. "Go, then. And don't let me see you here for a whole day!"
The wind mage gripped his travelling companion's arms and teleported them quickly out of the area. They reappeared at a bus stop just down the road, just out of sight of the (now thoroughly bemused and contemplating retirement) cop. He pulled them to him and spoke in a low whisper.
"Guys, we're going to really stand out here. Should we go shopping and- no, they don't take Rupees here... What should we do?"
"Bed down for the night?" Shadow asked.
Vaati and Ganondorf both glared at him. "You're jetlagged, Shadow. For some inexplicable reason." Vaati sighed. "It's the middle of the day here. I do suppose we should get a hotel room though..."

The three were not greeted with your average reception, to nobody's surprise (except Ganondorf's). The general response was "Cosplayers?" or they were simply turned away. It wasn't helped by Ganondorf's obstinate manner or Shadow's sarcastic colloquialisms It was only Vaati that was the redeeming feature of the group, but because of his unusual colouring many people assumed he had some deadly disease and shooed the group out of their hotel or bedsit with a disinfectant bottle for good measure. They ended up trooping the streets knocking on doors asking if they would "mind terribly if you would support us on our quest by giving us a place to sleep for the night?" Needless to say, the answer wasn't even NO. It was usually just a slamming door, or in some cases things were thrown. The three wandered sadly down the street- Ganondorf angry, Shadow fed up, and Vaati disillusioned.

"I thought they were nicer than this in Wales." he muttered.
"Well, you should've done more research!" Ganon snapped.
"Shut up the [CENSORED] both of you!" Shadow yelled.

The sun was setting and casting orange streaks across the sky, and the streets were almost empty. They eventually found a small hovel by the river to sleep, just north from a circus gym called No Fit State. Vaati noted wryly that this was probably the best description for the group at that moment.
Shadow ripped up some grass and scattered it over himself in a futile attempt at a blanket. Right on cue, Ganondorf sneezed and blew it all off him.
"Oh for the love of Hylia, Master, don't tell me you have hayfever..." Vaati groaned.
Ganondorf nodded and wiped his nose with a loud snort. "Could I sleep on the road instead? There's less pollen there, right?"
"Go ahead." Shadow Link interjected quickly.

Once again, the three were cursed by the misfortune of barely no sleep. Whether it was the fact that the temperatures at night dropped quickly below zero, or Ganondorf shrieking every time a vehicle went past, by the time morning came neither of them could even lift their eyelids. The sun filtered blearily over them through the morning mist, and even though it was not brighter than a dim candle this early in the morning they still could only shield their eyes from it.

Shadow rested his head on Vaati's chest and groaned loudly.
"It CANNOT be mornin' already. I swear it was only just gettin' dark, right?"
Vaati absentmindedly toyed with Shadow's hair as he forced his mind to reawaken. "'Fraid not. It looks like we're on the road again until we can open the portal back to Hyrule."
Shadow wailed in despair. "[CENSORED] Ghirahim! What the hell was wrong with him?! Did he DELIBERATELY do that, or somethin'?"

As if on cue, a digital shower of red and black diamonds showered down upon them. Ghirahim appeared from thin air, a self- satisfied smirk on his face and carrying several Queen Street shopping bags. He stopped in front of the three mages, and his grin faded somewhat. There was a hostile silence as he, Ganondorf, Vaati, and Shadow were engaged in a stareoff- it was three against one, and he knew it was rather one- sided. Outnumbered, his shoulders slumped and he shrugged nonchalantly.

"Amazing bargains here, no?" he asked, in way of conversation before one of the three massacred him. Shadow and Ganondorf looked about ready to, whereas Vaati- well, Vaati had his usual deadpan look on his face. It was, as always, impossible to tell what he was thinking or feeling, but Ghi was pretty certain that he was sharing the same emotions as his partners in crime right now. His friendly, somewhat rhetorical question was met with an even more tense silence. "Okay then, maybe you don't share the same enthusiasm as me... But it's really good, honest!"

Vaati was the first to speak, in his usual expressionless voice. "Ghirahim- we told you to take us to Death Mountain. Specifically."
"I... kind of decided to stop off here first. I've been searching all over for you!"
"We've been searching all over trying to find a place to sleep. Like common homeless people!" Ganondorf spat, and if he hadn't jumped to his feet pointing an accusing finger just then he would have come to an ugly demise under the wheels of a passing truck.
Ghirahim gulped. "Well, sure I can teleport you to Death Mountain NOW. Just let me get all this stuff back to my apartment..."

One quick teleport later, and the three waited impatiently as Ghirahim arranged all his newly- bought items carefully around his apartment room. They had been surprised to learn that the Demon Lord had an apartment in Cardiff in the first place- "Oh yeah, had it for ages. Demise rented it for me."- but they then had the misfortune to learn that he was terribly house- proud. He spent ages contemplating the position of a lamp on the sideboard, before moving it to the left an inch. He stepped back, tilting his head to the side in deep thought. The lamp moved right an inch.
Left half an inch.
Left quarter of an inch.
Right three- quarters of an inch.
Left-
"OH FOR DIN'S SAKE, JUST LET ME DO IT!" Shadow yelled, and shoved the lamp a metre to the left. He angrily shot a sticking spell at it, causing it to be fastened perpetually to the sideboard.
(Many thousands of years later, archaeologists would dig this up still attached to the furniture. It would baffle them for the rest of time.)

Ghirahim looked miserable, but let it pass. In revenge, however, he spent another quarter of an hour organising his bookshelf into alphabetical order. By this time, Ganondorf had fallen asleep again, Shadow was pacing the room and threatening to blast the entire city into oblivion, and Vaati was leaning out of the window looking deadpan and shooting seagulls on the streets below. The sun was high up in the sky now, and although the temperature had not risen more than five degrees the vicinity was bathed in a deceptively warm- looking light. The sky was a clear blue, with not a cloud to spoil the view. (A/N: Hee! That rhymed! I'm so childish.) There was not a breath of wind to rustle the crisp packets in the gutter below- until Vaati boredly stirred up a cyclone that caused said crisp packets to go straight into some poor lady's face.

Shadow flung himself down on the sofa and absentmindedly wondered what must be going on in Hyrule. He grinned as he wondered if they had fished poor Bellum out of the plughole yet-
"Okay, everybodyyyyy! I'm DOOOOONE!" Ghirahim sang, doing an elaborate flourish with a duster. He promptly let go of it- whether deliberately or by accident, we shall never know- and it hit Ganondorf in the eye.

"BLAAAAAAUUUURGHHH[CENSORED][CENSORED][CENS-]"

Vaati slapped a hand over Ganondorf's mouth, clamping it shut. "Forget it Master. We are NOT having a repeat of the campfire incident." he hissed.
Shadow groaned in disappointment.