Chapter Eight: Transdimensional Jaunts Via Radio Mast
Since the wi- fi signals in Cardiff were disrupting any chance they had of teleportation, the four decided to make their way out of town and into a less populated area. They strolled nonchalantly down the pavement, becoming somewhat immune to the puzzled looks they received. The breeze blew gently at their backs, and all in all it was a very pleasant journey- until they reached the middle of the street.
Ghirahim stopped. "Hey, hang on, where are we?"
"We're in the middle of the street." Ganondorf offered helpfully.
"Yeah, but where do we need to go?"
"We could take the shuttle service down to Cardiff Bay. There's a Capitol radio station by the Millennium Centre, and the airwaves there should actually speed us along a bit." Vaati suggested, studying a map pinned to a tourist information board.
Since this was the only course of action that seemed intelligent (Ganondorf had suggested going to all the takeaways in town until they found a wishbone and wished themselves to Hyrule), the group set off with renewed enthusiasm. Following directions from Vaati, who was lucky enough to be reasonably proficient in English, they arrived at the train station with five minutes to spare until it arrived.
They took their places in the shelter, addressing those around them with awkward nods and "Good morning"s. Nobody attempted to make conversation, and indeed many just looked away and buried their heads in the newspaper or their phones again. Being from a magical universe where science was almost nonexistent, the star- crossed travellers were intrigued by this technology.
Shadow got battered over the head by an old lady's handbag after leaning over her shoulder to look at her phone (she thought he was trying to look down her top).
Ganondorf attempted to venture onto the tracks, not understanding the signs that warned of imminent death if he touched the rails, and Ghirahim became convinced that the security cameras were Shiroi spy intelligence and shot one down with a well- aimed magic attack.
After this, it was down to Vaati to restrain the group and explain to them that what was the norm in Hyrule was not as widely accepted here, and GANONDORF GET OFF THE BLOODY TRACKS!
Shadow snorted at the involuntary profanity as Vaati slapped a hand over his own mouth in embarrassment. By now they had attracted stares from all five people on the station- in fact, they had advanced from mere stares to annoyed frowns. Still, the Welsh being a tolerant lot, they said nothing and merely exchanged looks with raised eyebrows. The train was several minutes late (as was the norm in Valleys stations), which only increased the awkwardness factor.
Shadow turned to the annoyed people. "Hey, listen. We're tryin' our best here, but we come from a damn long way away and we're having a bitta culture shock. Could ya be a bit more reasonable so we can all get along, huh?"
Silence. Confused looks.
"Shadow... that's Hylian." Vaati whispered. Shadow swore loudly in English, causing everyone to gasp in horror. Vaati sunk to his knees.
"Shadow...!"
"Whassup, Master? That was English, wasn't it?"
"I didn't teach him." Ganondorf piped up, a bit too quickly.
Just as the public looked ready to bind the four to a tree and gag them, the train made its belated entrance into the station. Ghirahim gasped in delight and danced over to the tracks to see it approach. He leaned a bit too far over, and the train hit him full force in the face.
"[CENSORED] [CENSORED] British [CENSORED] Rail!" he shrieked. "My beautiful visage!"
"Oh, for Din's sake, SHUT UP!" Vaati yelled at the three of them. Grabbing their arms (Shadow and Ghi's in one hand) he attempted to drag them onto the train and walked into the doors. "OH, WHAT ON EARTH HAS GONE WRONG NOW?!"
The driver, who had been watching from his carriage in amusement, called down to them with a barely stifled laugh. "You push the button to open the doors, mate."
"Push the button and let me know ya, baby..." Ganondorf sang as Shadow hammered the button enthusiastically. ("This is awesome!")
They finally managed to step onto the train, although there was a brief moment of despair for Vaati again as Ghirahim had a panic attack when the doors closed behind him, trapping his cape. "Ghi, just leave your cape in the doors." Ganondorf hissed, wrenching his servant free. Ghirahim wailed despairingly.
"But that was a present from MY DEAD NAN!"
"You're a sword spirit. You don't have descendants." Vaati sighed.
"Smarty pantaloons. Fine, but perhaps I had a dead nan in A PREVIOUS LIFE! Hurgh hurgh! Betcha didn't think of that, did ya! NUH UH!"
They finally managed to find seats in amongst the oh- so- crowded (*cough* sarcasm *cough) carriage. Actually, they had it all to themselves. Ghirahim delighted in jumping on all the seats and slithering up and down the luggage rack. The ticket inspector happened to approach the carriage at that time, and looking through the glass partition on the door saw this sight:
Shadow Link mooning everyone out of the window,
Ghirahim moonwalking down the aisles,
Ganondorf getting himself stuck in the (very small) toilet door,
and Vaati trying to restore order.
He turned away and walked down the aisle again- which was lucky for the four, as in their haste had completely forgotten to get tickets.
Vaati was only too glad when the train pulled up at the station. With a vicious wrench, he managed to pull Ganondorf out of the toilet and magically summoned both Ghi and Shadow to his side. "Shadow, I hope you weren't mooning." he said, raising an eyebrow.
"'Course I flippin' wasn't! Ya shame me with the thought, Master!" Shadow replied, hastily pulling his tights up.
They stepped out onto the platform, narrowly avoiding the doors closing on them. Once again they closed on Ghi's cape, and once again there was a minor Armageddon at the station as everyone attempted to pull it free.
They strolled down the street looking as nonchalant as they possibly could. Ganondorf attempted whistling, but the only whistle he knew was a wolf- whistle, which did not go down well with a passing builder who ran him over in a JCB. (A/N: Oh, the beauty of cheap laughs...)
They had a bit of trouble at the crossings as well. Hyrule was still stuck in medieval times, which meant there were no roads or vehicles to speak of (except horse and cart.) Luckily, Vaati was well acquainted with human road crossing systems (nobody asked how) and managed to get them across relatively safely. It was hard to look nonchalant, however, when their long Hylian ears kept getting clipped by every passing wing mirror. They mostly staggered and swore across said crossings after a while- it was only Vaati that kept some vestige of dignity. This quickly disappeared, however, when he didn't notice the "STOP" sign, crossed the road, and was hit by Bradley Wiggins. "I say, what a high jinks this has been!" the cyclist sang in a British accent as he cycled off into a car.
Ganondorf looked confused.
"Vaati, why is that man's head rolling across the road?" he asked. "I thought wearing a helmet was safe!"
"Must've been the wing mirror." Shadow muttered, looking as respectful as he possibly could before Vaati wrenched him out of the way of a truck.
By this time, they had got well acquainted with the ridiculous amount of rush- hour traffic on Cardiff roads. It was even more of a culture shock, granted, but they had no choice but to take it in their stride. The Capitol transmitter rose up like a beacon of hope mere metres away, with only one last junction to cross. The four stood behind the STOP sign, poised like Olympic sprinters. "Okay, guys. We all ready?" Ghi said in a low voice. The others, too nervous to speak (except for Vaati, wearing his traditional deadpan look) nodded tensely.
The amber light flashed.
The sign changed to-
Red.
"WHAAAAAAAAT?!" Ghirahim wailed. Ganondorf broke wind loudly in displeasure, causing those behind him to step back a bit. Shadow swore even louder, causing those behind him to step back even further. Vaati looked deadpan. Those behind him stayed where they were in apprehension.
Vaati looked deadpan.
Vaati looked deadpan.
Vaati looked deadpan.
"IT'S GREEEEEEEEEEEEEN!" Ganondorf screamed in joy.
"Green?! GREEN?! Where's that [CENSORED] Green Link?! I'LL KILL HIM!" Shadow roared. Vaati grabbed his hand and dragged him across.
Ganondorf, in joy at reaching the other side, let rip an enormous bazooka of a fart that obliterated the crossing signs and caused even the wind mage to recoil.
"Master, I hope you didn't follow through with that." Vaati groaned, not looking quite so deadpan anymore.
Ghirahim studied the transmitter, feeling the cold metal beneath his fingers. He raised his eyebrows and sighed."Okay, guys, I think this is as good as it's going to get." He turned round, addressing the group with an air of finality. He spread his arms wide, letting his short red cloak flap dramatically in the wind. "Let us all hope we can return to Hyrule in one piece, and may-"
He stopped abruptly as his cloak blew away in a rogue gust. It might have been from Ganondorf's bottom, it may have been from Vaati's power, it might have been from the weather- but it cut him off in mid- sentence. He turned on his heel and sprinted after it down the middle of the road, dodging various vehicles with surprising accuracy until Bradley Wiggins's ghost ran him over.
Ganondorf faced the transmitter with his chest puffed out. Shadow and Vaati did the same, except Shadow slouched and Vaati looked as though he just wanted to get back to Hyrule RIGHT THAT MOMENT.
"Okay, everybody- TELEPORT!" Ganondorf yelled. The three immediately spread their arms and disappeared.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Ganondorf farted.
Shadow swore.
Vaati looked deadpan.
"By the holy smokes of [CENSORED] Goddess [CENSORED] [CENSORED] Hylia [CENSORED]!" Shadow announced. "We're back in Hyrule! In one piece!... I assume. Is everybody here?"
The three were lying on the ground, sprawled in various positions with arms and legs entangled. It had been an even faster journey than expected- interdimensional travel usually took half an hour at most. Vaati's theory about the Capitol radio waves had turned out to be correct. It had even been a safer journey than most. Not one body part from any of them had been left floating around in the gap between dimensions for other unlucky travellers to encounter- everything was present and accounted for. This was certainly a surprise to Vaati- he had been sure that after having his body shattered by the Four Sword umpteen times, that would've finished him. He couldn't help but admit to himself he was glad to see another day.
Ganondorf picked his head up from the floor and looked around blearily. "Hey, where's Ghirahim?"
"Runnin' around Cardiff chasin' his cape, most probably." Shadow said, using the wall to pick himself up. He suddenly stopped and stared around in amazement. His eyes widened impossibly and filled with tears of joy as he took in the view. "Guys... People, ya'll will not BELIEVE where we are!"
Vaati was the last to pick himself up, still unable to believe his body was still organised in a logical manner. When he saw where they were, his face changed from deadpan to mildly surprised. In Vaati's restrained world, this was pure and utter shock.
"Where are we, then? Oh for the love of Din, I've lost the map!" Ganon wailed. Shadow shook his head slowly.
"We don't need the map anymore, Master." he said quietly. "We'll never need the map again!"
Vaati smiled. "Very true, Shadow. It looks as if we are nearly at our journey's end. This beautiful scenery you see before you, Master-" he indicated the view miles below, swinging his arm wide- "is only possible because we are atop DEATH MOUNTAIN!"
Ganondorf froze, and whirled round to verify in his own eyes what Vaati said. It was indeed a beautiful view, a stunning panoramic of Hyrule in all its early morning beauty. (Hyrule and Cardiff were on very different time zones.) But that was not what Ganondorf was focusing on. A sign stood before them, and although it was dilapidated and almost unreadable, the familiar Hylian script etched on it was like a godsend, making the sign seem to stand proud and tall.
It read as follows:
GORON CITY NEXT LEFT In long, looping handwriting somebody had written below:
NOW UNDER SIEGE BY THE GERUDOS
But that didn't matter. After all, they were here to rescue the Gorons from said tribe- this was all they had been searching for. Now, all that was left was to liberate the vital race and initiate them into the Kuroi. After 19969 words and 35 pages, this was what they had been searching for!
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But alas, we know better. I am enjoying writing this story so much that I am considering putting them into even worse situations... Let's see what happens, no?
A little warning, next chapter is INCREDIBLY tasteless! Poor Vaati is going to have some nasty stuff coming to him...
Swamp Dragon Princess: THANK YOU for the story follow and your lovely review! I hope you found time to have a good read, there's nothing better than that when you have some free time in my opinion. I wonder if Ganondorf is just pretending to read...?
JesusDoesNotLoveMe: Thank you for the follow! I like your pessimistic username... bless you ^_^
Shadow Rinato: Thank you for both the Story Follow/Favourite, and the Author Follow/Favourite! How sweet of you! I hope you enjoy all my stuff, in all its fluctuating quality =)
I am SOOOO happy at the reception this has had! Since I'm a new writer, it's really encouraging!
If anyone's reading Ghirahim's Raw Deal, though, I have some sad news. No, no, don't cry *sarcasm*, I'm not cancelling! I'm just putting it on a hiatus until it gets some reviews or something. Thank you all for the views, though.
Please, do continue reading this story! I hope you all enjoy, or at least don't cringe too much at the forthcoming chapters~ -