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I have returned! Watch as my story sinks to new lows!
Oh, by the by: For anyone who's interested, I'm thinking of a new project. If you crave more details, check out my profile (as my outline of it is rather wordy). Please, don't all rush at once!
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Chapter Nine: Vaati Always Gets A Raw Deal
With renewed vigour, Shadow and Ganondorf turned on their heels and set off back down the mountain for a celebration drink in Telma's Bar. They strolled through Hyrule Castle town with their arms draped around eachother's shoulders, singing loudly and cheerfully. Since Vaati was teetotal, he had no option but to sit and wait for them on top of Death Mountain.
The shadow boy and his master's master swung merrily around anything that stood still as if they were already drunk. Dizzy with jubilation, they swerved and crashed into eachother, falling apart with laughter. As they made their merry way down to the bar, they attracted a small crowd of people who watched with disgust. "Youth today!" an old grandmother whispered. "I never thought I'd see the sight!"
They made their way down the back alleys of Castle Town, turning left into a brick wall.
"What the [CENSORED]?!" Shadow yelled. "I thought this was the Twilight Princess layout!"
"It is, doofus- for GAMECUBE. Look, the bar's right here." called Ganondorf from halfway down the steps on the opposite side. Shadow immediately readjusted himself and gave a smug look to everyone watching. He had known that really.
The two skipped down the steps, kicking Telma's cat Louise (ha! ha! Telma and Louise!) out of the way indifferently. They burst into the bar with an impromptu operatic chorus.
Telma looked up from her bar duties with raised eyebrows. Oh brother, here were the afternoon revellers. She supposed there must have been a football match on or something. She folded her arms and rested on the counter, eyeing them with disdain. "What's it to be, boys?"
Shadow and Ganon stopped in their tracks, finding themselves briefly unable to speak. Ganon's eyes widened.
"You can see right down her dress..." he whispered.
"...To [CENSORED] Tokyo!" Shadow completed the sentence, eyes shining.
Telma heard their whispered observations and promptly seized a broom from behind the counter. Taking perfect aim, she managed to hit both of them around the head with it at once.
The old men at the very back of the room heard the WHACK and shook their heads. "Sounds like one of them's looked down her shirt again..."
While Shadow and Ganondorf were trying to get their bearings back, Vaati sat on his own at the top of Death Mountain. He wrapped his cloak around himself and shivered violently, trying to ignore the darkening sky that signalled the start of another cold night. His breath began to make swirly patterns in the air that he traced with his finger.
There was a mysterious silence in the air tonight; Vaati reflected on this as he leaned back against a rock face.
"Hey, do you mind? That's my face." said a rock.
"Oh, sorry." Vaati shifted to the left a little, and resumed his pondering.
The first stars began to make their cautious way out of the clouds, shimmering shyly in the twilit sky. The sun gave one last brilliant glare of light from beyond the mountains before dipping behind the peaks and troughs of the rocks, not to be seen again until morning. The wind mage closed his eyes and relaxed.
Ah... what the heck. he thought. I'm sure they won't mind if I just have a little nap on the job...
ONE HOUR LATER
"WHOOOOOOOOOOO! Keep 'em comin', Mama!" Shadow Link whooped as he gyrated along to the thumping dance music in the bar. Telma, starting to thoroughly enjoy him and his master's energetic company, slung him another drink in mid- air. Shadow caught it neatly and lobbed it down his throat with gusto. "Delicious!"
Ganondorf flung his arms in the air and wiggled his hips, strutting around the bar like a macho drag queen. The old men whooped and laughed, greatly entertained. One old man was a time- traveller who had promptly got out a phone and was filming this for use on YouTube later. The first half would later become a school video to warn children about the dangers of drinking... and the second half would go viral, destroying Vaati's reputation in the process.
Shadow laughed as he headbanged to the beat of "Another One Bites The Dust". Really, Vaati must be INSANE to miss out on stuff like this! Then again, he couldn't really imagine Vaati EVER getting as drunk as he probably was right now. Suddenly, an idea struck him and he did Gangnam Style over to Ganondorf.
"Hey, Ganny- wanna do impressions?" he yelled. Ganondorf's eyes lit up.
"YEAH! I'll go first! I wanna do... Veran!"Everyone watching roared with laughter as the King Of Evil tottered along the dancefloor, pretending to apply lipstick. He turned to the camera the old man was holding and jiggled a pair of imaginary breasts, kissing the air as he did so. Shadow gasped with laughter.
"Okay, okay, my turn! I'll do- Ghirahim!"
He did an exaggerated ballet dance, holding his nose to imitate his servant's nasal accent and letting rip with the foulest words he could. He sucked in his stomach to imitate how thin he was and flung himself on the floor - "DEMISE! Oh, DEMISE! I love you and pound my stupid head in for you! I sound like I constantly have a cold but I LOVE YOU, MASTER!"
This made the bar erupt, and Ganondorf promptly leapt on the table, determined to do one better. "Nice one, Shaddy! I'll do- VAATI!"
"Hey, no fair, I was gonna do him next!" Shadow yelled.
"Let's both do it!" Ganon yelled back. Shadow was the first to set it off, snatching Telma's makeup bag off the counter and applying liberal amounts of lipstick and eyeshadow to his face. "Since Vaati looks so much like a girl!"
Ganondorf grabbed two empty beer mugs and stuffed them down his front. "Yeah, he does! And the stupid way he walks!" He did an exaggerated tippy- toe walk across the counter, sashaying his hips and flicking his hair. Shadow whooped with laughter. "Yeah! Hey Telma, put "Barbie Girl" on!"
Telma complied, unable to stop herself smiling. Let the boys have their fun... they would regret it tomorrow. Shadow and Ganon proceeded to let rip with everything they had in terms of Vaati insults. First they did a sketch where the mage attempted to fit his undersized feet into normal- sized shoes and kept falling over, faceplanting the floor all the time ("Perhaps that's how he got so ugly!"). Next, they did a sketch where Veran broke up with him because his long, incredibly girly hair had taken on a life of its own and kept strangling everyone ("If you used your hair instead of your wits, you'd do a lot better in battles against Link!") and then another sketch where Veran had had enough of Vaati's purple skin and dragged him to the doctors'.
"Oh, Vaati, you've got bad circulation!" Ganondorf yelled in a mock- posh accent as the doctor.
Shadow, as Vaati, leaned forward and batted his eyelashes. "Oh, Doctor, Doctor, what do you suggest? What do I so badly need?"
"VIAAAAGRAAAAAAA!"
The bar exploded with mirth as the two continued to act out the rest of the sketch, the details of which are not appropriate to put on a respectable website such as this. When they had finished and taken their bows to rapturous applause, the two decided to quit while they were ahead. They said their goodbyes to their audience, thanked Telma for all the drinks (which she promptly took off their tab as they were the first drunk people to ever be polite to her) and made their leave.
The old man chuckled and uploaded his video. That video was soon to go viral across the world, and unbeknownst to him Vaati's reputation would plummet overnight. The mage would not realise this yet, but it will surface its ugly head again in the forthcoming chapters...
(A/N: *cough* bad taste *cough*. Thank goodness Vaati hasn't got access to Youtube. No wi- fi in the Palace of Winds, ya see).
The wind mage was almost fast asleep when his two companions came staggering back up the mountain. Of course, he was promptly woken by Shadow and Ganondorf singing "I AM THE GREAT MIGHTY POO!" over and over as they tripped up the rocks. He rubbed his eyes in irate bleariness, the line already starting to grate.
"Yes, I am the Great Mighty Poo and I'm going to throw my [CENSORED] at you!" he yelled. "Where the heck have you two been?! It's dark!"
"We've been- HAC- druh- drinky drinky glug!" Shadow hiccuped gleefully. Vaati turned on Ganondorf in rage.
"Master! Shadow's underage! How could you allow him to drink?!"
"The boy's a good 'un..." Ganon replied, slapping the shadow child heartily on the back.
Vaati managed to swallow his urge to slap both of them off the mountain and dragged them both over to a nearby cave. He lay them down and tutted. "Right then, you two had better sleep it off. And I don't care if you're hungover in the morning, we are going to fight the Gerudos anyway." he snapped. But there was no response- the two had already fallen into a drunken sleep- stupor, giggling stupidly without knowing. The wind mage turned away, sweeping his cloak dramatically around his shoulders, and decided that since he was wide awake he would go and explore the mountain a little more.
He walked down the path a little, looking over the valley at the view and searching for rocks he could climb. When he was a Minish he had always enjoyed exploring the bigger human world, but now all those stones that had seemed like mountains to him were now simple pebbles that he could kick out of his way. He couldn't help but feel strangely depressed at this- the world, which had previously seemed so full of wonder to him, was beginning to reveal what it really was... just a dystopia locked in a constant struggle between good and evil. Still, you had to take sides in life... everyone was guilty of it at one time or another. He just wondered whether he should have stayed a mere Shiroi Minish- simple, and full of innocent wonder.
He finally spotted a large rock formation to his left. It was sloped quite smoothly, with a signpost sticking out of it reading "To The Great Fairy's Fountain." Intrigued, he began to climb up it. He scrambled up the chipped rocks that capped it, and followed a wide path between two towering walls of rock. Seeing a seemingly impassable tower of stone before him, he decided to cheat and silently levitated his way up. Once there, he entered the first cave he saw on his left.
The fountain was incredible- beautiful masonry was set into marble walls that led one down a path to the setpiece itself- a beautiful, gushing stone fountain with intricate designs and water that seemed oddly multicoloured. Vaati stood before it for a while, looking down at his warped reflection in the water and feeling oddly peaceful. Absentmindedly, he took a Rupee out of his pocket and threw it in. He was just about to make a wish when-
WHOOOOOOOOOOOSHHH!
Vaati stepped back as a woman suddenly leapt up from the water, sending it spraying everywhere and spattering the walls. He promptly took another step back to avoid his tunic getting wet, and frowned.
"That was rather a rude entrance. Where on earth did you just come from? I mean- oh. Ah ha. Sorry, did I interrupt you?" he asked. The fairy (completely naked, save for glitter covering all the ugly parts) put her hand on her hip and grinned at him.
"Not at all! This is how I'm always dressed!" she sang. "Or, rather, NOT dressed! But I like glitter."
(A/N: Of course, this is the Great Fairy from OoT. I always found them a bit like clowns... It was just the makeup, I suppose.)
Vaati, with great effort, focused his attention on the wall behind her instead. Pretty decorations... pretty pretty decorations...
"So, anyway, traveller..." The fairy's voice brought his attention back to her. "You threw a Rupee into the fountain! Evidently you wanted a wish, or perhaps advice for your quest! I'm willing to give both!"
The wind mage looked her in the eye- which was heavily but tactfully made up, much like her lips and cheeks, and spoke in his usual measured tones. "Well, I wanted a wish. But, incidentally, that wish was for advice, which it seems you are now offering me. To get to the point, I came to ask; how on earth do I put up with my two comrades over there?" he asked, thumbing behind him. "They're both drunk out of their minds- this is a very rare example of "alone time" for me, and they've been nothing but trouble throughout our entire quest. I seem to be the only one who's actually trying to GET SOMEWHERE."
He sighed, sitting down on the floor cross- legged. This could take a while. The fairy knelt at the side of the fountain, head tilted to one side in sympathy, and listened.
"Then again, I suppose Shadow Link has some good ideas now and then... but he's still so much trouble. He can be a real handful sometimes, and Ganondorf is doing nothing but influencing him. I'm just the fall guy, the one who does all the calculations. Sure, Shadow and Ganon can go off and have a good time... But I can't, you know? And I deserve to, I've been stuck in a sword for 4,000 years! Believe me, after being trapped for that long, I really need some alone time. I can't take all this rushing around and stress as soon as I get out- and also..."
It was a good many hours before Vaati finished pouring out his woes. By the time he was done, it was starting to get light outside. The fairy, while unwavering in her support, had never felt more like a shrink in her entire life. Sheesh, she thought, all Link wanted was some life energy replenished! A potion or two maybe, on a bad day. But this guy... Well, I'm just glad Link is mute!
She did not say this out loud, of course. In fact, she couldn't help but feel sorry for the purple- haired sorcerer sitting before her, feminine hands clasped lightly in his lap as she quietly gave him advice. She told him not to worry, just to ignore them, he was doing a fine job as he was, and-
She suddenly burst out laughing, unable to control herself any longer.
"What's the matter?" Vaati asked irritably.
"I'm sorry..." she gasped. "It's just that... your situation is so TERRIBLE! I'm supposed to be this super- sympathetic agony aunt, but seriously?! And that Youtube video they just uploaded about you as well! AHAHAHAHAAA!"
Vaati frowned. What the heck was Youtube? Did they refer to Shadow and Ganondorf? His usually smug heart sank slightly as he wondered what on earth they had done now. He didn't imagine it was anything major... right?
"Oh, my God, it's amazing!" the fairy whooped, watching it again on her phone. Vaati, now mad with panicked curiosity, leapt towards her to try and see what she was viewing. Unfortunately, he misjudged his calculations and his foot hit the fountain's edge. With a girly shriek and an ungainly splash, he plummeted into the water.
He fought to the surface and clambered out, spluttering and willing himself not to swear. By now the fairy had disappeared, leaving only the echo of her laughter in the air.
He did not look back. With an irritated huff, he stalked out of the cave.
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I warned you! I DID warn you. I very much doubt this story will get more tasteless than that though... The worst is over ;)
Swamp Dragon Princess: Thank you for the review again! I thought your observations were very amusing. Yes, I too can imagine Ghirahim with a mirror like that. Taking an hour each day to straighten his hair, no doubt. I think I have certainly taken Vaati down many pegs in this chapter... Needless to say his ego has been punctured somewhat. Whether I will treat him any better in the forthcoming chapters is yet to be seen. *laughs evilly!*
SpiritofSilverWater: Thanks for the follow, favourite, and review! I hope you got my PM okay, my computer is constantly playing up... I will NEVER turn down a community offer, so don't worry! I'm a (fluctuating) Shadow fangirl as well, but only because he's cute in the manga =) Yes, I'm that shallow! ...Vaati is probably my favourite out of all the characters, though. Because he's cute AND has a cute laugh. Hee 3