Guys! Ahem! An announcement- I have a beta profile! Of course, there are a couple of issues- namely the damned HTML marks all over the place! Please ignore them if you can, I have no idea how to delete them- I've pretty much tried everything. It might just be my computer having a disagreement with the site. Tsk! But if you have any story you want checked out... Hint hint!
...Sorry. I'm absolutely shameless.
On another note: HAPPY HALLOWEEN! And a shorter story summary (I don't know why that's happy...)
IMPORTANT NOTE: IF THE SUMMARY IS THE SAME AS BEFORE, PLEASE PM ME. My computer isn't saving anything and I want to know if it's just my IP address.
Chapter Ten: Ganondorf Has Family Issues...
Vaati returned to the cave where the two were sleeping- actually, just about to awaken with raging hangovers- feeling more than just fed up. He settled down for a quick nap when-
"SWEET MOTHER OF HYLIA, WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?!" Ganondorf woke up with a roar, clutching his head. Vaati lifted himself from the rock reluctantly and took inner delight at seeing his master groan and throw himself back on the floor. Shadow woke up, hearing the bang, and immediately pulled his hat down over his ears.
"Shut the [CENSORED] up, Master..." he moaned. Ganondorf swore back at him, and the two lay quietly in wide- awake misery.
"So, did you have a good time last night?" Vaati asked evenly. There was no reply.
"Oh, fine then." The wind mage swung his legs around and stood up, stretching himself out. "I suppose I'll just go have a look around... in the fresh, cool mountain air... my sharp mind bright and ready for-"
He was cut off as Ganondorf blasted him out of the cave with an eruption of dark magic. He lay sprawled on the ground, chuckling to himself. Snapping his fingers, a bugle appeared from mid- air. Putting it to his lips, he took a deep breath and-
TURUM- TARAAAAAAAA! TURUM- TARAAAAAAAA! TURUM-TURUM-TURUM-TURUM-TURUM- TARAAAAAAAA! TURU-
Ganondorf burst into furious tears and lunged at the wind mage. Vaati leapt backwards delicately and easily avoided his blow. Ganondorf overbalanced massively and was left hanging onto the edge of the cliff they were camped on by his fingertips. The wind mage crouched down in front of him.
"So, what's all this business about a viral video?" he asked, in a deceptively gentle tone. Ganondorf gulped.
"We... uh, BACK ME UP, SHADOW!"
"Shaddup, Master." came Shadow's bleary reply. Ganon was too hungover to remember any curses, so he simply hung there limply and gulped. He didn't have much respect for Vaati, but he knew the mage was clever. Too clever for him to outsmart- though of course he would never admit it. He thought for a while as Vaati waited patiently. Eventually he spoke, in what he thought was a confident manner.
"We were making a video!"
"I worked that out already, Master. But what exactly was it based around?"
"Butterflies are going extinct!" Shadow called from the cave, realising through his pounding headache that both himself AND Ganondorf would get the full brunt of Vaati's rage if they didn't cover up their tracks now.
"Isn't that a shame." Vaati hissed. "If we're not careful... GERUDOS MIGHT GO EXTINCT TOO! But cheesy lines never will!"
With that, he leapt gracefully up in the air and came down hard on Ganondorf's fingers. The King Of Evil shrieked like a toddler and let go, plummeting to his doom. Shadow Link froze as his creator turned and marched towards him. He too tried in vain to remember any curses, deflection or shield ones especially, but like Ganondorf drew a blank in his alcohol- addled brain. He let out a loud, nervous hiccup as he backed himself against the wall.
Vaati stopped outside the cave, glaring in. "You're still drunk, aren't you?"
"Bwuuuuh?" All Shadow heard was the pounding music from last night. "Well, damn..."
"I'll give you damn." Vaati whispered venomously under his breath. "But first-"
He snapped his fingers again, and swung a massive, Oktober- fest size tankard of Telma's Finest towards the boy. "You obviously enjoyed it last night!"
Shadow, confronted once again by the devil's drink, shrieked and attempted to get to his feet. Unfortunately his balance was still not the best and he stumbled heavily into the wall. The shock was too much for him and he heaved loudly. Vaati, realising the sudden danger, decided to back off. The last thing he needed was Shadow to hurl all over his robes (which had been washed so nicely in the Great Fairy's Fountain last night).
"Bye, then!" he called quickly behind him, and sprinted out of the cave.
Ignoring Shadow's yells ("HEY! When I'm ILL, I expect BASIC EMOTIONAL SUPPORT!"), he decided to make his way up the mountain to have a look around the Gerudo base camp.
He was just about to set off, when he froze. Hang on a second, what if Risky was there...?
His question was answered approximately two seconds later when a scimitar whistled through the air inches from his head. He whipped round to find his purple- haired pursuer almost upon him already, another blade poised and ready in her hand. Acting quickly, he grabbed her leg and swung her round like a hammer, before letting go and sending her sailing into a rock face.
"Hey, do you mind? My face hasn't changed positions during the night, or anything." said a rock.
"Oh, sorry again." Vaati called over. The sound of a trumpet interrupted his apology, and to his horror he saw an entire legion of Riskys- clones, he presumed- riding at full speed towards him on purple horses.
Without stopping to think, he turned and ran up the mountain.
It was only sheer good luck that Ganondorf was saved by a unitard- wearing 35 year old cartographer, floating up the mountain in a hot- air balloon. He believed that if he saved enough green- skinned, red- haired, hungover, slightly porky evil villains, he would become a fairy. Therefore, Ganondorf was deposited safely on the ground not far from where he had been kicked off.
One hour later, Shadow Link finally found the energy to walk. Staggering to the corner of the cave and shielding himself from the sunlight, he looked out onto the terrain of the mountain. Although it swam before his eyes, he forced himself to focus- but, to his bleary worry, Vaati was nowhere to be seen.
"Hey Ganny." He turned to his master who was curled up in a miserable ball. "Ganny! Where's Vaats gone?"
"Dead, I hope. Smug little [CENSORED]." Ganondorf hissed. "Now leave me alone!"
Shadow did not respond to this, and instead hastily constructed a sun umbrella from himself out of a bunch of large leaves. He held it over his head protectively and ventured out into the migraine- inducing sunlight. Still no sign of his master.
Making his way up the mountain, he could see horse hooves ingrained into the weak soil. He followed these, eventually stumbling upon some very distinctive footprints- they were tiny, and the undersides seemed to be sandal- patterned. "Vaati!"
Many miles ahead, Vaati finally came across the Gerudo stronghold. They had set up almost as powerful a camp here as they had in Gerudo Valley, but his apprehension at entering soon vanished as he heard the army of Riskys galloping up behind him. He set off again with long strides, leaping over cooking fires- failing to clear one and gasping as his tunic burst into flames. He stifled a swear word and emptied the alcohol tankard over himself.
Time froze, cartoon- style. "Well, that was stupid." Vaati said.
Time resumed. His tunic erupted into flames once again, and he was forced to do a Stop- Drop- Roll manouvere across the ground. Unfortunately, he happened to come to a halt at Risky's feet, charred and smoking.
Risky seized her chance, and slammed the empty tankard onto his head.
"GUGGA MRBLE MMPH GAH!" came the annoyed yells from inside.
"Well, you shouldn't have disobeyed me." Risky replied, slapping Vaati in chains and slyly injecting him with sleeping potion. In seconds, the wind mage was asleep and helpless.
"Hey Risky, has he got enough air in there?" a nearby Gerudo asked in concern.
The author gritted her teeth. Goddammit, that was going to be a perfect cliffhanger sentence, and then those stupid Gerudos had to go and ruin it! She swore in Chinese, thought hard, and typed a couple of lines into her computer.
A ten- ton brick fell on the Gerudo's head. The author was having an off day and couldn't think of any imaginative punishment.
Shadow Link continued to make his way up the mountain, but the rugged midday heat was starting to have an effect on him. Several times he saw mirages ("What?! Lebanese shadow dancers?! Hey, that one looks like my aunt!"), while it was difficult enough to stop as little light as possible hitting him anyway. He cursed his master for trekking so far.
He turned at the sound of heavy footsteps thundering up the mountain. Ganondorf skidded to a halt next to him, panting heavily. He leaned against a rock fa-
"Hey, that's not my face. That's my butt cheek." said a rock.
"Shut up." Ganondorf replied.
-and attempted to catch his breath. Shadow looked worriedly up the mountain.
"Master, Vaati's just- GONE! And Goddammit, he moved fast! Was he taking the [CENSORED] train or somethin'?"
Ganon shook his head and farted rudely on the rock. "Nah, you'd be surprised how fast that guy can shift. Especially when he's just thought of a new mathematical theorem." Shadow turned to him, impressed. "Big words for you!"
"Yeah, I know. Vaati's a jerk, but you learn stuff from him for sure. Anyway, we should keep trucking. This heat's doing nothing for my hangover..."
The shadow boy shook his head in wonder as they resumed their journey. Ganondorf seemed to have got a lot smarter over the course of their ill- fated quest... Evidently he had actually been listening to one of him and Vaati's intelligent discussions!
(Sample;
Shadow: Hey, Master, can you throw up while standing on your head?
Vaati: Indeed I can. Would you like me to demonstrate?
Shadow: Errr, no. But can you show me that trick with your armpit?
Vaati: Watch and learn, my boy, watch and learn...
*Vaati proceeds to do disgusting armpit trick which has Shadow whooping with glee and the gods themselves to feel slightly disgusted. Even Mr Mensa needs down time.*)
Eventually, through a haze of heat, the two spied the top of the mountain and thus, the Gerudo stronghold. From the footprints trailing into it, it was evident that Vaati had intruded somewhere.
An army of women stood at the entrance, spears poised.
"You may not pass!" shouted one.
"For we are the knights who say... Ni!" shouted another. "Wrong fictional scenario, Yasa."
"Oh. Is it the knights who play Wii?"
"No, that's Four Swords Misadventures... Do we need a copyright for that?"
"I don't know!... Hey, where are our potential captives? And aren't we knightesses?"
The two hapless Gerudo looked around while the rest of the troop groaned inwardly. Shadow and Ganondorf hurtled through the stronghold, kicking over buckets of food and water and trampling over tents. Their hungover state made their sense of proprioception somewhat awry, but it did not matter to them. All that mattered was that they rescued Vaati- the brains of the group- "...before his guts are made into sashimi or somethin'!" Shadow Link panted. "An' they feed it to us! An' we get food poisonin'! An' DIE!"
"Shut up and keep your breath for worrying, whassyourname!" Ganondorf snapped.
They eventually came across the main fortress, towering ominously up into the midday sun. This was indeed where Vaati was being held, currently semi- conscious and strapped to a table. Oh yeah, and he was also connected to a neuroimagery machine.
His two hungover comrades did not know this, of course, but they could sense that he was in trouble as they approached the oppressive place. It cast a large shadow over them, making Shadow sigh in contentment and drop his home- made parasol on the floor thankfully. The doors were inexplicably unmanned, and they staggered in apprehensively. They exchanged furtive glances as they passed rows of empty cells, all spattered with the blood of past prisoners.
"Sheesh, they're busy here! They've only been here since two weeks ago!" Ganondorf sighed. "Ah, my poor race... Reduced to killing innocent people! To sacrifice to ME, of course, so that's alright. Carry on truckin', O awesome females!"
In the room at the end of the block, Vaati heard his master's loud voice. He summoned his strength and shouted at the top of his lungs:
"HEY, YA FAT HUNGOVER LUMP OF FLAB! I'M OVER HERE!"
"Huh?!" Ganondorf whipped around in terror. "The walls just spoke!"
"Master Vaati!" Shadow yelled in excitement. He started running down the corridor towards Vaati's cell, beckoning to Ganon to follow. "Don't worry, Master, we gonna bust ya'll outta there!"
"Do you have a key?" The voice came from the room again, clearer this time.
"No need for that! C'mon, Ganny, get over here!" Shadow called. Ganondorf glared at him as he approached.
"Lemme guess... the old "head as a battering ram" trick again?" Vaati called from inside the room. Without replying, the King Of Evil bent down and allowed the surprisingly strong Shadow to pick him up. Hoisting his master under his skinny arm, the shadow boy ran at the door at top speed-
KAWHAAMMMMMOOOOOOOOO!
In a flurry of breaking locks and twisting metal, Shadow and Ganon broke through the door and skidded to a halt. Ganondorf was unceremoniously dropped on the floor as Shadow sprinted over and punched Vaati playfully in the chest.
"Ya had us all so damn worried!" he yelled. He glanced at the screen behind them. "Hey, is that ya'll's brain?"
"Don't touch." Vaati warned. Unsurprisingly, Shadow's selective deafness kicked in just then and he proceeded to hit several buttons corresponding to areas of his master's brain.
To cut a long story short, after Vaati had shrieked, danced, ripped the electrodes off, tried to eat Ganondorf's arm, sang "I Will Always Love You" in a falsetto voice, ran into the wall repeatedly, and stared vacantly into space wearing a stupid grin for ten minutes, Shadow decided to disable the connection to his brain. He flicked a switch and the machine died down, leaving Vaati lying on the floor with an enormous migraine. Ganondorf laughed at his discomfort.
"That was so funny! Will you do it again?" he yelled in excitement, jumping up and down. "Can I have a go?"
"Master, shut up. Shadow, as soon as we get back you're grounded." Vaati groaned.
After Vaati was able to stand again, the three decided they had better continue with their ill- fated mission. Their first goal, of course, was to liberate the Gorons and persuade them to join the Kuroi as a thank- you move. Then, they had the added worry of retrieving the Dark Mirror from the Kikwi who had inexplicably stolen it. To cut a long story short, after tunnelling for many miles underground (thanks to Ganondorf procuring a Lens Of Truth), they found a network of tunnels leading every which way. Taking a random guess (that, for once, turned out to be right), they proceeded to scramble up a tunnel leading directly into the besieged Goron City.
Of course, seeing three intruders' heads pop up from under the flooring was a huge shock to the highly- strung race, who proceeded to attack them with all manner of clubs and spears until Vaati subdued them all with a powerful blast of dark magic. By that time, relations were once again strained between the group after spending so long underground in stifling heat, and they decided to stay the night in Goron City- SEPERATELY. Then, the plan was to introduce themselves and co-ordinate a massive Goron attack on the Gerudo army to defeat them.
Ganondorf rubbed his shoulder, sore after holding up the Lens for so long. "What do we do now? My arm hurts." he whinged.
"We should brainwash 'em! Sure, they're runnin' scared now after Vaats blasted the [CENSORED] outta them just then, but they're a stoic race. They'll be back with [CENSORED] guns soon enough!" Shadow said loudly. Each foul word echoed around the uncomfortable silence of the city, temporarily deserted after the scared Gorons had retired to their homes (once again, caves built into the rock. Some things never change). "That's a good idea, Shadow." mused Vaati. "Hey, Ganondorf, could you possibly summon your mother?"
"My MOTHERS. MOTHER WITH AN S." Ganondorf hissed. "And we can't do that unless we're in Hyrule, stupid!"
"We ARE in Hyrule!"
"No, we're in Goron World!"
"That's in Hyrule, Master!"
"No it's not! It's in Death Mountain! Where's the map?!"
"We threw it out, remember? Just take my word for it, we're in Hyrule!"
"No we're not!"
"JUST GET THEIR BUTTS OVER HERE!" Shadow wailed.
Ganondorf gritted his teeth, ruing the day Shadow was created. Thinking of this made him rue Vaati, who he promptly elbowed sharply in the ribs. ("MASTER! [CENS]- I mean, golly gosh!") Muttering various incantations under his breath, Ganny sat on the uneven stone floor in a meditative position, eyes half- closed as if in a deep trance. Patterns slowly started to swirl before him as he continued to chant louder. They formed two seperate shapes, which manifested themselves into humanoid forms. Ganon furrowed his brow, deep in concentration-
WHACK!
Koume hit him over the head with her broomstick. "Alright, we're here now! You can quit showing off for your
friends!"
Kotake hit Koume with her broomstick. "How dare you speak to our surrogate son like that, you old bag!"
"Who're YOU calling an old bag?! We're the same age, you fat codger!"
"What?! Are you saying-!"
"Mothers, please!" Ganondorf got to his feet and bowed respectfully. "We're only asking for your help briefly. We want you to brainwash these Gorons."
Koume and Kotake looked at eachother. Their gaze turned sharply back to Ganon.
"Say please!"
Ganondorf bottom lip curled. He folded his arms and stamped his foot. "No. I'm an evil villain, and what I says goes!"
"Then we're not helpi-"
"PLEASE!" Vaati wailed, falling to his knees. "PLEASE, JUST DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO AND END THIS SORRY CHAIN OF EVENTS!"
There was a hanging silence as the wind mage bowed his head to the floor and took several deep breaths to steady himself. Shadow Link cocked his head in surprise, having never seen his master "lose it" before. (Except for that time when Ganon had lit his fart on his birthday cake candles, but that was a different story.)
Kotake nodded in approval. "Why couldn't we have had him instead of Ganondorf...?"
Koume whispered in her pointed ear. "Would you really want HIM to continue the Gerudo race?"
"...Say no more. I suppose we'd better be thankful for what we've got." Kotake raised her voice. "Okay then, we'll do it. Something do to in between episodes of Embarrassing Bodies."
"Hylia's knickers, old grans like them shouldn't be watchin' that! Their [CENSORED] pacemakers will give out!" Shadow whispered to himself. Ganondorf heard, and had to be physically restrained by Vaati. While this was going on, the two witches were quietly working their magic. Selecting each Goron in turn telepathically, they proceeded to possess and dominate their minds. The already simple species found their heads to be even lighter, as if their brain was no longer their own burden and now belonged to someone else. They could not help but relax, freed from the shackles of conscious thought, and instead let Koume and Kotake's idle musings slip into their minds instead.
"Hope they don't see that Peyronie's episode we watched..." Kotake muttered. Vaati interrupted any further elaboration with a loud cough. The two witches turned their attention back to him, and nodded in unison.
"Things are all nicely cleared up here, then." Koume announced, with an elaborate flourish of her arm to emphasize the statement. Pretending to ignore the large boulder that crashed down behind them as a result of this accidental magic, she turned to her fellow witch. "Clarify the statement, Kotake. We done here or what?"
"Yes, alright, we're freaking done here! I heard you the first time!"
"Oh, I didn't think you would, you old biddy."
"Who are you calling old, you fat crone?"
"Oh, it's back to the fat again, you giant stinking lump of-"
Ganondorf snapped his fingers wearily and the two vanished, though their argument could still briefly be heard throughout the city before fading away into silence.
And silence.
And silence.
"Family problems, eh?" Shadow volunteered. Ganondorf smacked him.
As for the room they slept in, they managed to find a very nice spot in the middle of Darunia's room. The natural heat from the caves was soothing at this hostile time of year, and although nothing could thaw the figurative coldness between the three, the literal temperature rose very nicely as they lay down on the stone flooring. It was almost like there was underfloor heating, such was its consistency.
The room was unchanged from its appearance in Ocarina Of Time- somewhat scarce, but with plenty of ornate decorations and Goron treasures to brighten it up. As always, statues were placed in the corners of the room, watching the intruders with solemn eyes. Everything pulsed from within with an eerie red light, courtesy of the geothermal heat bubbling up from deep below the city. Bomb plants twined themselves with long vines around the cracks in the walls and ceilings, although for the most part these had been uprooted from this important room and left to grow outside.
At one point in the night, Ganondorf stepped on one while going for a wee in a chamberpot. The resulting explosion did not even stir Vaati and Shadow, who were enjoying the most comfortable sleep they had had in a long while. Indeed, this was the first time they had ever slipped into a deep REM slumber since their quest began, and though unconscious for the moment, they would awaken in the morning glad for the rest.
After their master had limped back to the room smelling ever- so- faintly of smoke and burnt clothes, and laid himself back down upon the floor, there was not a single movement in all of the besieged city for the rest of the night.
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Hope you enjoyed! Yes, Vaati got his own back- but alas. His fortune did not last ^^ Is Ganondorf's father ever mentioned in Zelda? I don't think so... If he is, please correct me. I wonder if he's anything like Koume or Kotake! I thought that scene in OoT after you defeat Twinrova, where they're arguing and completely oblivious to the fact they've been killed, was absolutely brilliant =D
Right then, mentions! *fanfare!*
SoulXSilverII: Thanks for the favourite, follow, and story favourite! I know my PM was probably really weird. But at least it DIDN'T, right? As I'm sure my other followers will testify, I'm not a very interesting person to follow as an author- I don't know if you get alerts when I update my profile, but I update it pretty frequently (usually with pretty meaningless stuff). I have news of a new project I'm thinking of up if you're interested, though!
SpiritofSilverWater: You and Shadow have things in common?! Gulp! As long as you're not an evil villain with a penchant for insane destruction... But if you are, thank you for the review anyway. I'm not biased =)
Swamp Dragon Princess: Aww, thank you! Your review was very amusing. I always wondered how Ghi's hair was so silky straight... I bet if Telma hadn't discarded that bar tap, Vaati would have had to pay. I can imagine him singing "It's A Hard Knock Life" to himself as he goes through his mountains of paperwork... At least he got revenge!
Elegia Dark: Wow, I'm flattered! Thank you for the follow, favourite, story follow, and story favourite! Oh, and the review! The thoughts of everyone who read this chapter, summed up in one concise sentence! *applauds*
Now, let's see... Next chapter... Whose death should I bring about? MOO HA HAAAA!
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