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I'm back! "Way hay!" I hear you cry.
Anyway, usual pre- chapter author blah blah blah things... I think perhaps I came on a little too heavy with the post- chapter notes in Ch.11. I genuinely didn't mean to offend you guys!- favourites and follows still mean a lot to me! I'm really sorry if my comments were taken the wrong way ^_^ Here's the fight scene we've been building up to! Let's hope things don't go dreadfully wrong...
This IS a rather serious chapter towards the end though. Normal service will be resumed next week!
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Chapter Twelve: Big, Dramatic Fight Scene
Veran, Onox, and Bellum were automatically dispatched to get rid of the other three Links. However, the goddesses of Kuroi luck were having an off day and all three of them were immediately crushed by the Heroes. Surely nobody could stop the avenging Shiroi now..?
Meanwhile, at Goron City, the three decided that it was now or never. Seizing any weapon they had to hand- Vaati grabbed a stick, Shadow grabbed a porcelain pot, and Ganondorf took his shoe off and waved it around menacingly- they made their way up the stairs to the main area.
Outside, hundreds of Gerudo waited.
"Hey, wait a second, why do we need weapons? We've got magic!" Ganondorf said suddenly. He puffed his chest out, feeling very clever.
"Our magic is limited, Master." Vaati whispered to him.
"Why is it limited? I thought you got the Light Force when you were younger! Y'know, unlimited power and everything!"
"I tried to, Master... but then Link came and hit me with his sword. He was a big bully. I transformed three times in order to defeat him, each form more monstrous than the last, but he beat me back every time until my body was shattered. I was sealed in the sword for many years."
"Aw. Bummer."
Gathering their army of brainwashed Gorons who were obediently waiting for them, they made final preparations for battle.
"Okay, guys. Let's look over supplies." Shadow called, levitating above them. "Hey, that rhymed!"
"Just get on with it, Shadow!" Vaati called up. "I wanna get this battle over and done with in time for Deal Or No Deal!"
"Alright, Master, hold your horses." Shadow called back down. "Okay, everybody say "Aye" if you've got the items I'll name... if you answer "No", I'll kill you. Okay- heart potion?"
"Aye." hundreds of stoned Gorons replied.
"Band- Aids?"
"Aye."
"Whisky?"
"Aye."
"Swords 'n' spears? Sounds like a mediaeval pub."
"Aye."
"Bread, milk, and eggs?"
"Whaaaaaaat?"
Shadow consulted the piece of paper he held in his hand. "Oh, sorry. Damn, this is my shopping list! Anyway, we're all ready! MOVE OUT!"
The Gorons took up ranks and turned towards the door with a synchronised stamp.
"WAAAAIT! I'M higher in status than Shadow! I give the command!" Vaati yelled.
The Gorons turned back to their original positions.
"MOVE OUT!"
The Gorons took up ranks and turned towards the door with a synchronised stamp.
"WAAAAIT! I'M higher in status than VAATI! I give the command!" Ganondorf roared.
The Gorons turned back to their original positions.
"MOVE OUT!"
An old lady who had been renting the cave upstairs scuttled past, carrying a large suitcase. "I'm sorry! I'm going! I'll pay rent next time, I promise!" she wailed.
The Gorons took up ranks, turned towards the door with a synchronised stamp, and marched right over her.
Shadow Link, Vaati and Ganondorf led them out of the city. They marched obediently in time with the rhythm Ganon insisted on chanting again and again.
"One... two... three... FOUR FIVE! One... two... three... FOUR FIVE! FOUR FIVE! FOUR FIIIIVE!"
"Master, isn't that the theme to Space Odyssey?" Shadow asked.
"No!" Ganondorf snapped. "Budda budda budda budda budda budda budda budda-"
"That's the theme to Jaws! Cut it out, we can't march at this pace!" Vaati yelled.
"Fine. One, two, friggin' three four. One, two, friggin' three four. One, two-"
"Are we supposed to do a little tapdance on the "friggin'", Master?"
"SHUT UP, VAATI!"
The Gorons, now thoroughly confused, fell out of their rhythm and just ambled along behind their bickering masters dutifully. Shadow Link kept their morale up by singing old Rolling Stones hits, but after the third rendition of "Ruby Tuesday" with four hundred Gorons miming the air- guitar solo, Ganondorf had no choice but to turn round and tell them to "PACK IT IN!"
"Fine, I'll summon the Hinoxes!" Shadow snapped.
"No, for God's sake don't summon THEM!" Vaati wailed, leaping forward and stopping Shadow from casting the spell with an anti- curse. Usually, he would have been encouraging his minion since the Hinoxes were such fierce fighters- also, since they were Kuroi and not neutral, they were less likely to backstab as well. However, for this battle they needed a more... intelligent army. The Hinoxes were notoriously erratic and would frequently forget which side they were on. He shuddered as he remembered one particular battle where he was bludgeoned to near- death by a Hinox tax- collector who thought he was Kent Hovind. That was the kind of intelligence they were dealing with. So, to cut a long explanation conceived purely to bulk out the story short, Gorons were much better for a fight with high stakes such as this.
They came over the crest of the mountain, the sun now high in the sky. It hit them with a piercing glare and illuminated the battle ground atop the Hylian mount. It was a surprisingly large and flat expanse for such a rocky area, yet seemed a lot smaller due to the vast amounts of Gerudo now pouring towards them from the opposite side.
Ganondorf squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. He had been working up to this moment for weeks. It all culminated in this... the strength of this army he had cobbled together against the vast superiority of the fierce Gerudo, the race he had belonged to all his life. That Ganondorf was dead... they were Shiroi, and he was Kuroi. They could not mix, and this was the result.
"Are you ready, Vaati?" he asked the mage at his side. Vaati nodded.
"Are you ready, Shadow?" he asked his minion's minion. Shadow shook his head.
"Master, I kinda need a pee."
"Hold it!" he yelled. The Goron army, who had been advancing menacingly towards the Gerudo, stopped. The front few flanks were cut into sashimi.
"No, I didn't mean stop! I was talking to Shadow!" Ganon yelled.
His shout was drowned out by the shrieks of the violent female tribe as they engulfed him. They had advanced quickly, and he found himself in the heat of battle. As blades flashed like lightening in a thunderstorm around him, he ducked and dived to try and make his way to the edges of the fight. He suddenly felt a feminine hand grab the back of his tunic and wrench him backwards.
"[CENSORED]! GUYS, HELP!" he shrieked, convinced he was caught.
"I AM helping!" Vaati's voice came from the crowd. "Get back in here, you fat coward, and FIGHT!"
He twisted himself around in shock, but his minion was gone. Vaati narrowed his eyes, focusing his glare on each Gerudo in turn as he dispatched them skilfully. Each weak point was exposed to his sharp senses a thousand times more obvious than usual, and every time a woman's hand loosened on the blade even a little, she found it whipped from her grasp and used to cut her to the ground. The winner of the 100th Picori Tournament put every skill he had ever learnt to the test, jumping and flipping out of harm's way and taking on opponents with reckless abandon. One watching from the sidelines would have been convinced it was Link in a Vaati- like guise- except the sorcerer was completely silent, not making any sort of noise even when a rogue blade caught him hard across the face and neck.
Shadow Link danced around, wildly waving anything he could get his hands on around his head. In place of a traditional war chant, he sang football songs ("Yeah! Swearin' every other line!"). His fighting methods were rather more... unorthodox than the calculating Vaati's or the violent Ganondorf's. He twirled up to a Gerudo lady and promptly mooned her, causing her to spin around on the spot and faint. He then ran up to Risky, who he spotted in the crowd, and headbutted her.
"Damn!" Risky cursed. "Are you Vaati's offspring?!"
"Depends which way ya look at it!" Shadow sang, and sprinted off, ploughing straight through a crowd of screaming Gerudo.
Ganondorf, knowing that if he tried to run away Vaati would just drag him back again, reluctantly took off both his shoes and plunged head- first into the violent warfare. Roaring a war cry over Shadow's footy songs, he unleashed every primal instinct he had and battered his tribe like a demented ape. He raised the shoes above his head and brought them down upon the nearest person's face again and again, regardless of which side they happened to be on. Vaati had to duck out of the way more than once to avoid losing his other eye.
The Gorons were a brilliant asset. As the wind mage had predicted, they were an immensely powerful force who, much like Ganondorf, relied on violence to get their own way. They had no well thought- out attacks whatsoever, and this was actually more effective than it sounds. They followed Shadow Link's example most of all, ploughing headlong into anyone who was unlucky enough to be in their way. However, they were intelligent enough to recognise who was and who wasn't on their side. Thus, the three Kuroi and their brainwashed army fell into a surprisingly good attack pattern.
Vaati became the strategist, yelling orders to Shadow and Ganon and calculating attack patterns perfectly. He was a brilliant fighter, quick and light on his feet, but his hair and cape kept getting in his way and sometimes he would be brought crashing to the ground by one or both.
Shadow was their "shock tactic", his unexpected fighting methods completely throwing the Gerudo off guard. Whether he was creeping up behind them and shouting "BOO!", kicking their backsides, or headbutting them, his fighting was more like a schoolyard- scrap style than anything else. While on paper (or on a computer screen) this may not sound effective, it was wholly amusing and actually worked quite well.
Ganondorf was the violence of the group, hitting anybody and anything that crossed his bulldozer- like path. Despite Vaati's despairing yells and frantic instructions, he took barely any notice and basically, er... vanquished everything. His immense magical power meant that huge craters would appear in the battlefield after just one spell. As for the effectiveness of this fighting... well, you decide for yourself. The Gorons were much like Ganon, but fortunately to a somewhat lesser extent.
Three hours after the battle had initially begun, the tables had begun to turn for the better. The Gerudo's number were dwindling and the remaining ones were slowly losing morale. Risky was at the forefront of the group, determined to bring Vaati down or die trying. Eyes flashing, she gave one last order to attack- but this time the Kuroi were ready.
By this time, fate had made its choice. The Gerudo, no matter how hard they fought, were by now destined to always be beaten back by the side led by their once- was ruler. Those who dared to attack full- on were killed instantly, and those who held back were still found by some rogue spell or other and were left to die amidst the blood- soaked mud and grass. Although the violence was horrific, in traditional Zelda style it was bitterly captivating and beautiful in horrid, twisted ways. The fierce female race continued to fight even when they knew there was no hope for them, such was their pride and determination to belittle their former master. Vaati could not help but understand their plight, as it was almost like a reconstruction of his final fight with Link- the desperation, the knowing that he was too damaged to go on... one hit would kill him, but just by seeing Ezlo's face he was reminded of why and how he was there, and how he had to avenge this wrong however he could. Silence eventually fell on the battlefield. There was not even a cry to be heard from the wounded and dying. Ganondorf, exhausted, found the energy to give the order to stop before falling to his knees.
Shadow fell next to him, panting heavily. He couldn't even find the energy to swear.
Vaati, only slightly out of breath and still completely immaculate, sat down gently next to them and crossed his legs. The Gorons all collapsed at once behind him, causing a crash that sent the three half a metre into the air.
There was not a word said- until Ganondorf spoke up loudly.
"Well, shall we go to the pub to celebrate?"
After taking a vote (Shadow and Ganon for, Vaati against), the majority won and the three set off to the pub. Vaati trooped along behind them with great reluctance, and made a solemn vow not even to order a glass of mineral water.
"Knowing Telma, she'd probably spike it." he muttered.
"Yeah, she would! She's a [CENSORED] firecracker, is Telma!" Shadow sang from ahead. "Look down her dress when ya have the chance, Master!"
"SHADOW LINK! I would never engage in such puerile activity!"
"Oh yeah, I suppose ya wouldn't if you're female. ARE you female?"
"Haven't we had this conversation before?"
Shadow stopped to cast his mind back. "Nah, don't think so."
"Well, you have. Keep moving, the bar shuts at 8!" Ganon yelled from a couple of metres in front. Vaati and Shadow dutifully increased their walking pace a little to catch up (c'mon, do you really think they like him enough to run?).
They arrived at Castle Town just as the clock soldier struck 1AM. He would sing a little ditty on the hour, and he burst into song the second they walked through the gates leading down from Death Mountain. Shadow listened to his song, then applauded and threw a blue Rupee into the bottle at the soldier's feet.
The town was always packed at this time of night with the usual drunken revellers and those picking for fights. News travelled fast in Hyrule, and the three were already becoming known (through rumour, of course) for apparently defeating the Gerudos single- handedly. As it meant they gained "a whole loadda [CENSORED] street cred!" (Shadow), none of them were about to set the stories straight.
They approached Telma at the bar, who greeted him with a hearty "Hey there, boys!"
"Heya, Telma!" Shadow announced, pulling Vaati over by the wrist. "We're back- with a friend!"
"Hello, there." Telma said kindly to the wind mage, who was looking around the bar with barely- hidden disgust. "So, what's your name?"
Vaati, noticing she was there for the first time, caught the tail end of her question. "My name is Vaati. I am the great Wind-"
"Oh, cool! You're the guy from the Viagra sketch!"
The bar went still.
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CLIFFHANGER! But you can guess what Vaati's about to do, right? Poor little guy.
Mentions!
SpiritofSilverWater: Why thank you! Yes, the only person who could ever ask dumber questions than Shadow is Ganny. I'm glad you find his enquries funny though! I love writing the Shadow parts. He's the character I find funniest.
Shall we set up a trans- Atlantic anti- Tingle lobby? DIE, TINGLE, DIE! DIE! DIEEEEEEE!
Swamp Dragon Princess: *bows* Thank you once again! Jeez, I feel so bad now, but thank you for finding time! Full mention next chapter!
Elegia Dark: Commenting in another language without noticing? Um, okay! Thank you for the review anyway! Yes, I'm crazy. If that is indeed a compliment, which I shall take it as until proved wrong! ^^ Hey- hang on... I bite my nails. Does that mean I'm a cannibal? Um...
Anyway, I hope my PM cleared things up!
Anyway, a bit of BAD TASTE next chapter as well! Sorry! (Think of this as your trigger warning).