-
NEXT CHAPTERRRR! Enjoy!
Oh, and a word on my other fic, Ghirahim's Raw Deal! (Yeah, it's something I kinda wrote just to amuse myself. I'm not taking it as "seriously" as this, haha!) Anyway, as we all know, Ghirahim is Ganny and co's servant when they're not completely messing up everything. So I've decided to put G'sRD as a sort of prequel to how this came to be. It's ridiculously disjointed, mind- Ganny only turns up for the first time in Chap 5. But if you want more of a backstory for the poor guy, take a look! (Or don't).
Oh, and: Guys, we are seriously close to 1000 hits for this story! *dances* So c'mon, let's give it a push and see if we can reach that hallowed milestone before it finishes! I'm not going to reveal how many chapters are left though... mwahahahaha...!
-
Chapter Thirteen: Unlucky For Triskaidekaphobes (And The Amorous Green)
Ganondorf and Shadow started slowly edging away.
"Viagra sketch?" Vaati enquired, eerily calm. "I'm sorry, but I don't recall ever partaking."
"No, those two did one. Dedicated to you and all." Telma announced, pointing at the two terrified Kuroi. Vaati turned to them, arms folded.
"Viagra sketch, guys? Care to tell?"
"W- we genuinely never did anythin' like that!" Shadow yelled. "An' we never made fun of ya at all, like the way ya walk or the way ya speak, or-"
"Shadow! You're digging yourself a hole." Ganon snapped. "Seriously, Vaats, we never did nothing."
"Double negative. Guilty conscience, I'll bet." the old man from last time said from the corner of the room. Frail as he was, he got up and made his way across the room at a surprising speed. As he walked, he fiddled with the camcorder in his hands. He walked up to Vaati and handed it to him. "You'll find everything you want to know on there, mate. Press that button marked "Play"."
Vaati did as he was told, and settled himself upon a table as he watched. The whole bar crowded around his shoulders, seeing the whole three anti- Vaati sketches played out in futuristic HD before their eyes. What started out as a few awkward giggles between groups of friends soon turned into full- blown hysteria, as the sketches became more and more ridiculous. Vaati's deadpan expression did not change- there was no hint of any emotion there at all. This, of course, was usual, but now it was terrifying because nobody knew what he would do IF his facade did slip now.
Ganondorf and Shadow kept taking little steps backwards, too terrified even to breathe. They only realised this when Shadow fainted from lack of oxygen.
Telma watched from the bar, grinning even though she knew she shouldn't. Awkward moments happened in every bar, but she had seen none up until now that consisted of three highly powerful and highly strung Kuroi necromancers.
To cut a long story short (especially as this story is 48 pages and 31643 words already), the bar was no more after Vaati decided to show the world exactly what he thought of said video. In fact, the entire village was no more, and neither were its denizens. With one curse, he disabled the website of YouTube forever, and any Zelda fansites immediately crashed by some mysterious means. Any laboratory making Viagra immediately had the roof fall in, and the flames of Hell ripped across the whole of Hyrule would have been obliterated if the mage had not been in a merciful mood after his success in battle. But to be frank, that had torn it.
Knowing that he still had to find and retrieve the Dark Mirror from the Links, Vaati decided to set off on his own instead of taking out the remainder of his simmering rage on Ganon and Shadow. It hadn't really been their fault... they had been drunk. Vaati remembered all too well the last time he had been drunk, when Shadow had encouraged him to take part in a drinking session with the Hinoxes. They had been celebrating yet another win against the Shiroi- though it had only been a small- scale battle against the armies of some major domains, every little counts in a war. Vaati, as the co-ordinator of their famed attacks, was understandably chuffed and thus, had allowed his standards to relax a little.
This had been an unwise move in retrospect. Still, powerful as he was, he was still unable to see into the future, and nothing had been different back then. He had gladly accepted Shadow's offer of a friendly competition, and had subsequently drunk every single Hinox under the table. He had managed to hold it all as well, but this was to be expected. Vaati's body, after being sealed in the Four Sword for so many years, had quickly thrown in the towel and shut down- thus, many basic bodily functions that others take for granted, such as vomiting, had become nonexistent.
However, the sensation of nausea and blinding headaches had not yet been dimmed enough, and that was the state he had woken up in the next day. Barely able to move, he had discovered that he was an hour and a half late for Ganondorf's biannual progress check. Needless to say, this had not gone down well and their relationship had never quite been repaired. Ganon took it very personally if one single Kuroi dared to miss his announcements. (Incredibly, Shadow had been fine and had quickly become Ganon's temporary favourite for recounting Vaati's drunken antics in front of his shocked army.)
The mage couldn't stop a smile flickering across his face as he sauntered across Hyrule Field. He casually blasted any Shiroi attackers across the field with a flick of his wrist, not even looking in their direction. He didn't feel upset, or betrayed, or disappointed; he just felt furious. And he LIKED this fury. If he chose to fully UNLEASH this fury, people would ALWAYS remember it. With a flourish, he caused an entire cliff face to crash down upon a huddle of pilgrims, laughing evilly. Yes, he had shown the world what he could do, and YouTube was at last no more. No more cute kitty videos ever again, and everybody knows who to blame! The rage at his comrades slowly subsided into a strange satisfaction, knowing that people would always be afraid of him now that there might be worse to come. Unbuckling his belt and swinging it around his head like a hammer thrower in a needless display of complacence, he hummed the theme tune to "The Avengers" and did a small tap- dance on the spot. Princess Zelda, who had gone for a walk in the field, stopped from a couple of metres off and stared. "What the holy singing [CENSORED]?!"
Shadow and Ganon were not two to realise when they had gone a step too far. They had promptly grabbed as many intact kegs of beer as they could carry and legged it. Staggering down the steps to Hyrule Field with several tons of intoxicant on their backs, they discussed the unfortunate situation they found themselves in.
"So, how the [CENSORED] are we supposed to get the Dark Mirror back now?" Shadow asked.
"Whaddya mean? We can do it ourselves, simple as!" Ganon replied in a stubborn show of big- headedness. But the rational part of his brain soon took over (a rare occurrence) and his shoulders slumped. "No, we can't. Damn, we need to get him back!"
"How? When Vaati's in a mood, he's IN. A. MOOD. We'll never persuade him to get back with us after this [CENSORED] fiasco!"
Ganon whipped round and grabbed Shadow by the shoulders, letting go of three beer kegs in the process. They crashed down the stairs and landed on top of the Princess who had quickly run away from the tap- dancing Vaati. "Don't you EVER say things like that!"
"I always swear, Master!"
Ganon farted in exasperation. "I didn't mean the swearing, Shadow. I meant, don't be such a quitter! As long as there's still Hylian blood in our veins, we WILL continue with our quest! Vaati or no Vaati- okay, we need Vaati but say we've got him back- we WILL retrieve the Mirror and get back to the HQ in one piece!"
"IF WE HAD VAATI, we would." Shadow pointed out. Ganon sighed.
"You're right..."
The two decided that they needed to find the wind mage without delay. They had succeeded in their quest to liberate Death Mountain- the HQ soon received a formal letter from Darunia confirming that the tribe were now firmly Kuroi ("because of that shadow boy's AMAZING DANCING! HOT! HOT! HOTTTTT!"). But now, of course, there was a new quest they needed to set out on- they needed to team up with the three others who had been dispatched to vanquish the remaining three Links, and retrieve the Mirror. But there was a problem- they had absolutely no idea what to do first. This was why they needed Vaati- he was the brains of the group.
"Should we try Zora's Domain?" Shadow suggested as they stepped onto the lush grass of the field. Ganon stared mournfully at the split beer keg at the bottom of the stairs for a moment (completely ignoring the crushed Zelda) before replying in a doleful voice.
"Why would we check there?"
"...I dunno. Could we check... Gerudo Valley?"
"Why there?"
"Dunno. Talon's house?"
"Why there?"
"FOR [CENSORED]'S SAKE, MASTER, I DON'T KNOW! LET'S JUST HAVE A LOOK, HUH?!"
"'Kay."
Already Ganon had lost all motive. Shadow sighed. This was going to be hard.
They made their way across the field as the deepening twilight cast shadows across Hyrule. They were soon lost.
"[CENSORED], when did Hyrule Field get this large?!"
"We've been going the wrong way."
However, Shadow's final prediction had been correct. Vaati, having tap- danced all his frustration away, had rebuckled his belt and was now searching for a place to stay the night. Seeing the small hut that Talon and Malon shared, he made his decision quickly.
It took a long while before there was any response to his knock on the door. He was not at all surprised to see it finally answered by a drunken Talon again.
"Well, if it ain't my bestest friend!" the farmer slurred, pitching himself at Vaati and wrapping him in a fusty bear- hug. Vaati patted him on the back awkwardly. "Yes. Indeed. I come with a request... I know that I have stayed the night here before. I feel a little embarrassed to have to trouble you again- but may I just ask about borrowing a room for another night? I will pay, of course."
"No, no. I wooden charge my bestest *hic* budda- bud- bug- *hyac*- friend! C'mon in! Wouldcha like some ta- tei- tat-"
"Toast? Tea?" Vaati suggested.
"Yeah, whazza said! Yeah?"
"Um, no thank you. I believe I shall just go upstairs and settle down now. Is that alright with you?"
"Yeah, su- *HIC!*...yeah."
Vaati quietly made his way up the stairs, gathering his cloak around him as so not to let it drag in the various paraphernalia that littered the house. He pushed open the door and stepped into the room. "Hello?"
"What the [CENSORED]?! VAATI!"
Green Link leapt off the bed, hastily rearranging his tunic. Malon was lying on the bed in a similar state of undress. She quickly sat up and covered herself- not that she had been wearing much fully dressed anyway.
Vaati and Green had a stare- out match for the best part of five minutes, before Malon finally spoke. "What the hell are you doing here, Vaawhateveritis?"
"My name is Vaati." the mage replied, sweeping his cape out dramatically. "I came here merely to spend a night resting my head... but alas, our paths cross once again, Link! Oh yeah... I remember now. Red did say you were on a date with Malon in Goron City."
"Red?! That damned traitor! How dare he betray my-"
"He betrayed all of you, don't think you're special. Anyway... face me in combat, child, now we may never get this beautiful chance to duel again!"
Link sighed. "Wait a moment, Mally. This won't take a second!"
The two faced eachother in combat positions, shoulders hunched defensively as they regarded eachother. They mentally sized their respective opponent up, going through their strengths and weaknesses in their battle- addled minds. This was it... after generations of combat, it was now or never...
"MASSSSTTTTTEEEEERRRRRR!" Shadow screamed, hurtling in through the door and flinging himself at Vaati. The wind mage leapt out of his way and watched without sympathy as he crashed to the floor. Ganondorf walked in behind him, his face closely resembling thunder.
"Where the hell did you go?! It's all very well and good to storm off, but we have a quest to finish!" he roared. Vaati raised an eyebrow.
"I've only just started to reconsider my decision- to leave you guys. I've decided now that maybe I HAD better stay with you after all, just to make sure you don't get yourself killed. Don't expect me to care if you get severely injured, though. That's the extent of my sympathy."
Shadow got up from the floor, looking devastated. "C'mon, Master, ya need the Mirror back! Come with us- and give us some sympathy! We HAVE gone searching for you, after all!"
"Hey! Aren't we going to get on with the fight? A lady won't wait, you know!" Green interjected impatiently.
"I'll take care of this!" Ganon growled. He summoned all the magic he could in his fist and punched Green to the floor. There, he proceeded to jump up and down on him until the main Link was nothing more but another stain on the floorboards.
There was a dead silence. Malon wasn't sure whether to scream or just go back to sleep, whereas Shaddy and Vaats weren't sure whether to applaud their master or just be shocked that Green hadn't even put up a fight. But then again, being suddenly jumped on by a very heavy Ganondorf was probably the last thing he was expecting. Link had quick reactions, but they weren't that quick. Even so, it was still impressive to see Ganondorf actually FIGHT.
After his cowardly antics with Red Link and his utter reluctance against the Gerudo, it was somewhat of a shock to see him actually make a commendable effort towards his own cause. Shadow eventually acknowledged this with a spontaneous round of applause, which Vaati promptly joined in with. Malon, who had always been a bit slow, had already forgotten what the whole situation was about, so she joined in too with probably the most enthusiasm. Nobody objected.
After they had grown bored of clapping as Ganondorf strutted around the room bowing and waving, they decided to kill Malon too. "Allow me!" yelled Ganon, puffed up from his recent victory and eager to showcase his powers once again. He whirled round and, with a look of intense concentration on his face, clenched his butt cheeks.
"Oh, sweet mother of Din. Let's get outta here." Shadow gasped, going white as he realised what was going to happen.
Him and Vaati turned on their heel and crashed out of the room in a hurried rush, slamming the door behind them just as their master let rip with a-
DEAFENING, ROOM- SHAKING, ECHOING, ASS-RIPPING, MALON- KILLING -
BUUUUUURRRRRRPPPPPPP!
"Damn, wrong end!" Ganon hissed. Malon snatched up a pitchfork and stabbed him in the backside with all the force he could muster. Ganon leapt five metres in the air, squealing like a pig. He made a break for it out of the room and crashed into Vaati and Shadow. Since Tal and Mal's house was the house from the OoT era, this meant that they all pitched headfirst into the front room (and, indeed the only room) and into a pile of hay. They landed square on top of Talon, who woke up with a spluttering snort. He spat out a bottle of vodka that had somehow made its way halfway down his trachea, and sat up quickly.
"You all... rah- ruh- right, yeah?" he asked drunkenly (as if I needed to include that adjective).
"Well... uh, yes, we're fine. Sorry for waking you up." Vaati replied, hastily standing up and brushing the hay straws out of his clothes and hair. Talon blew a kiss to him.
"How's Mum? No, Muh- Mah- Big Mama!- Malon?" he asked.
"She was up there doin' a bit of THE SEX with LINK!" Shadow yelled enthusiastically. Ganon plunged his head into his hands.
Vaati backed towards the door.
Talon's brain took a moment to process this information. When it did, however, his eyes widened and his teeth gritted together in rage.
"MALON!" he roared up the stairs. "WHAT DID I TELL YOU?! YOU ONLY SLEEP WITH THE BAD GUYS!" He turned to Vaati, and seemed to consider something for a few moments before advancing towards the slightly terrified mage. "Actually... would you mind sleeping with my daughter? You two would make a good match..."
Anyone looking over Hyrule Field that night would have seen one thing- a slight figure with a long flowing cape sprinting as fast as their legs would take them. Before falling down a hole that Link had dug because the Shard of Agony had said so. He decided to spend the remainder of the night there, despite the large and rather angry cow repeatedly headbutting him. Shadow and Ganondorf took the hint and quickly left the house as well. They did not have to go far before they, too, discovered the hole rather accidentally.
Vaati shrieked as Ganon crashed on top of him. Even the cow had the sense to leap out of the way as Shadow Link tumbled down the walls as well. He landed with an undignified WHOCK on a sharp protrusion, before slithering off it into the water. Vaati rolled his eyes and pulled him out as Ganondorf settled down in his sleeping spot. "[CENSORED], we've only actually got two Links left!" Shadow whooped. "We'll get rid of them in [CENSORED] no time!"
"It depends where they've put the Dark Mirror... If either one of them manages to smash it, only Ganondorf will be alive to retrieve it. Even then, it'll be rendered worthless, and the mission will be a fluke. It's a horrible risk to take... We've just got to hope it's still in Gerudo Valley..." Vaati muttered.
Ganon threw a rock at him. "Be positive! It's an adventure!"
"Sure, an adventure." Vaati and Shadow said in sarcastic unison They curled up in any nook they could find, pulling the carcass of the dead cow over them for warmth (only to have Ganon snatch it back from them, of course). Vaati made plans in his tired mind, as he did every night. After much thinking, he announced quietly to himself that the best plan of action would be to try and track down the two other Links- the remaining Vio (who was in Gerudo Valley) and Blue (who was in Zora's Domain). Both of these would be the most difficult to deal with- Vio was calculating and intelligent, much like him, and Blue was violent and erratic, much like Ganondorf. His faint thoughts just before he fell asleep were what it would be like versing Ganon in a fight. He shuddered.
"Oh no, Cortex!" I hear you wail. "More bad taste?! I thought Chapter 9 was bad enough!"
I apologise! Oh, and that last line where Vaats is considering what it must be like versing Ganny: Eiji Aonuma actually talked about that in 2004, when the Minish Cap was first released. Apparently Ganondorf would win because of the "power of the Triforce". The git!
Finally, I MUST tell you guys this; I was looking at my visit counts for this story (I keep tabs on every one of your views, hahahahahaaaaa!) and someone actually viewed this 26 TIMES! Just the ONE PERSON! And visited my profile 5 times! If you're reading, O anonymous visitor, WHO ARE YOU?! Drop me a message or something, dangit! But thank you!
MENTIONS!
Swamp Dragon Princess: THANK YOU THANK YOU for your reviews to the previous two chapters! You should write comedy yourself, you have some brilliant ideas. I must say, after you mentioned the Dowsing With Ghirahim after Songs of Praise, surely you means Songs of Praise to Ganon? But then again, I don't think the two would be able to stand being on the same channel =D I think, if I ever manage to set up a dA account, Dowsing With Ghirahim will certainly feature in a drawing. Classic!
(Oh, and funnily enough, when your review came through via Gmail, Viagra was censored to V***. Bless!)
SoulXSilverII: Thank you for the favourite, which I thought you had done already! Haha!
SpiritOfSilverWater: Thank goodness you're alright! I'm such a stupid worrier. Anyway, thanks! Wouldn't it be a surprise if Shadow turned out to be a bona fide chemistry expert..? We're doing chemical equations in my Science class, so perhaps poor Shadow will develop more of a knowledge of chemistry soon enough!
OMG Link Between Worlds is out tomorrow! Anybody getting it? -