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AAAUUUUUUGH I'VE GOT SO MUCH TO DO! I'M SO STRESSY! And I seriously want a dA account but my tablet is STILL broken and don't even ask about my scanner or my general health! AUGH AUGH AAARRRRRRGGGGGGG!
Ra ra ra ra ra. Et cetera. Anyways, I might be putting a poll up sometime about this story, just about what you want/don't want. Might be doing a sequel, might not be- but one thing I'm expecting people to say is "cut down on the author notes, Cortex! Blah blah blah blah BLAH!"
Yeah, I know. I can't shut up at all ;)
Oh, and to my American readers: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
I wish we had Thanksgiving in Britain. It sounds like Christmas come early- turkey and family celebrations and all that. People have their Christmas trees up in my street already! (Is that strange?)
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Trigger warning: Farts.
Chapter Fourteen: Everybody's Favourite Fishy Jabu- Jabu!
They woke up early the next morning, even before the Postman had begun his round. One walking in Hyrule Field before 7 AM would have been knocked out of the way by a frantic man dressed in white hotpants sprinting his way towards Castle Town. He was convinced he was late every day, yet always turned up an hour and a half early. This in itself was amusing, not to mention his obsession with being completely on time with ALL his deliveries. He thought nothing of interrupting government meetings or, indeed, any of the Links in their quest to save the world. No, siree, in terms of performance standard, the Postman was every employer's dream.
Today, however, the sun had only just risen and the Postman had barely stirred in his bed. The hour was 5:21, and nobody was happy about it.
Vaati was the first to awaken as usual, attempting to freshen up in the stream of water that inexplicably filled a small niche in the wall underground. It was stinging on his skin, and tasted somewhat sour. He reasoned that maybe, he should leave it alone. He woke Shadow and Ganon, deaf to their loud complaints.
"How are we going to get out?" Shadow wailed.
"Hookshot." Vaati replied, procuring one from mid- air.
"I'm still tired!" Ganon moaned.
"You'll wake up soon enough."
"I need a wee!"
"Go in the corner."
"Damn, we can't break YOU, can we?" Shadow muttered as Vaati aimed the hookshot at a tree just visible above them. It hit perfectly and wrenched him upwards. He clung onto the trunk and threw the hookshot down to Shadow, who promptly did the same and threw it down to Ganon.
Who stared at it.
And stared at it.
And stared at it.
"What do we do with this thing, then?" he called up to them, waving it in the air.
Vaati and Shadow exchanged looks. They decided to get on with the quest while there was still daylight to travel in.
"You'll work it out eventually, Master." Vaati called down as he swung himself up onto Hyrule Field grass. Shadow followed suit, leaving Ganondorf cursing and raging below them.
Since Zora's Domain was the nearest port of call (and nobody quite fancied encountering the Gerudos for a while), they decided to make their way there first. Ganondorf eventually figured out how to use the hookshot and caught up with them, red in the face from having to run in the early- morning heat. They made their way across the field in a slightly tired silence, feeling like they were backtracking slightly.
Vaati certainly didn't relish going back after Risky had attempted to kill him there, but being the most tolerant of the group he simply accepted that this was how it had to be. Shadow was in his normal carefree mood and spent the majority of the journey singing old Black Sabbath hits. Ganondorf, of course, simply whinged like a child.
"Vaati, are we there yet?"
"Are we there yet?"
"Are we there yet?"
"Yet are we there?"
"Yet there are we?"
"Yet there we are?"
"Yet there- duuurrrrr, I said that already. Are we there yet?"
"YES, MASTER, WE'RE ALMOST THERE!" Vaati and Shadow screamed in unison. Ganon's bottom lip wobbled.
"Fine. Be that way!
...Are we there YET?"
"Well, I suppose the LEAST we could've hoped for was a different intonation." Vaati said to himself.
They arrived at Zora's Domain at approximately quarter to six. The King Of Evil was immensely pleased to find that it was still frozen over, and erected a Christmas tree outside the domain cheerfully. Vaati and Shadow went on in.
It was apparent as soon as they set foot inside that they were not welcome. The hole in the roof that Ghirahim had made was patched over with several thousand Band- Aids and a couple of cats. The cell they had been trapped in, which if you remember Ghirahim had effectively blown up, still had not been repaired and was now rumoured to be cursed. The damage the Kuroi had caused, all in all, was not appreciated by the Zoras. This was made apparent by the cold looks they were shot as they made their way down to the main ice pad.
"Guys, look, we're sorry about last time..." Shadow called out, holding his arms up as a peace offering. There was a frigid silence. Obviously their sins had not yet been forgiven.
"We've just come to ask y'all somethin'..."
Silence again. The atmosphere was getting a little awkward.
"Could ya please tell us where Blue Link is?"
Silence again, until one young Zora girl at the front of the group spoke up timidly.
"The boy in the blue tunic got eated by Jabu- Jabu. It was very sad."
"So, he's dead?"
"No, he got swallowed whole. My daddy says he's probably still alive."
"Who's your daddy then, the queen of Sheba?" Ganon's loud voice rang out among the halls as he strutted in.
"Sheba? Ain't that a cat food?" Shadow asked.
"No, it's also a country. And my daddy is actually King Zora. He's not in a good mood."
Ganondorf spat on the ground with contempt. "Let's go, then! I assume he's in his chamber?"
"Yes."
There was no more to be said. The trio set off without delay, deciding to teleport in order to avoid walking through the group of Zoras that were still staring at them icily.
They arrived noisily (Ganondorf farted loudly on arrival) and right in the middle of a pool of water. Shadow and Vaati shrieked like girls and sprinted out. Ganondorf opened his mouth to taunt them, but when he realised that the water was seeping through his Doc Martens he quickly followed suit. Unfortunately, there was to be no respite for their soaking footwear as they were made to tramp through a river (this was the OoT version of Zora's Domain, since it was the simplest for the author to describe) and straight into a large lake in order to get to King Jabu- Jabu.
The legendary fish lay wallowing in the water like a large ship, swaying from side to side at its leisure as it regarded the world with huge, dead- looking eyes. Around it, ice floes made their way around the lake slowly. There seemed to be two halves to the area, except the half to their left was barred off with a strong wooden fence. The water there seemed a lot cleaner, almost transparent, and the most unusual sight was a skinny tree standing proud and upright in the middle of it. The three regarded this area with mild interest for a while before turning their attentions back to Jabu- Jabu.
"He'd better not be dead." Ganondorf growled. "Look, his mouth's closed. How are we supposed to open it?"
"If he's dead, Master, that mouth ain't gonna be openin'." Shadow interjected cheerfully.
"That's HELPFUL, Shadow. Real HELPFUL."
"Well, it's an observation that YOU wouldn't've come up with!"
Ganondorf was just about to seize Shadow by the neck when Vaati interjected, ramming a wooden stick between them as a barrier. "Cut it out, you two! The fish isn't dead- look, it's breathing."
"Yeah, Ganny- if it's BREATHIN', it's ALIVE." Shadow taunted.
"Actually, if it is capable of movement, respiration, sensitivity, growth, reproduction, excretion, and absorbing nutrition, then it's alive." Vaati corrected him. There was an awkward silence, broken only by Shadow's announcement of "Vaati's a smart[CENSORED], ain't he?"
"I'm still here! Don't use such language!" Vaati yelled. Shadow stamped on his foot with all his might.
"[CENS]- I mean, oh dear!"
They tried many things to try and get the huge fish to open its' maw. First, Shadow did stand- up comedy in front of it to make it laugh, even going so far as to bang Vaati's head repeatedly on the floor. This left Ganon in stitches, but had no effect on the fish.
Vaati recited mathematical theorems in front of it in an attempt to make it yawn. By the time he had finished, Shadow and Ganon had died, but the fish did not wake.
Next, Ganondorf farted in its eye.
"What was THAT supposed to achieve?" Vaati wailed, pulling out a medical mask and putting it on. Shadow went the whole hog with a biohazard suit.
"Well, I wanted to make it hold its nose! If it couldn't breathe through its nose, it would have to breathe through its mouth!" Ganondorf said proudly. "It's not working, though. Maybe I have to fart harder."
Before Vaats and Shaddy could object, he bent over and put his hands on his knees. He gritted his teeth, going cross- eyed with concentration. His skin turned a worrying shade of blue as he gathered every last vestige of gas in his body...
"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT, I'M AWAAAAAAKKKKEEEEEE!" Jabu- Jabu screamed. The shock caused Ganondorf to let rip, blowing the water out of the lake for an indefinite amount of time and causing the upright little tree to keel over and die. His two comrades sunk to their knees, tears in their eyes.
"Master... Ganondorf..." Vaati choked. "...Respect."
Shadow rolled on the floor, choking.
Jabu- Jabu clamped his mouth shut. "No WAY am I inhaling any of THAT air again."
"Please open your mouth!" Vaati wailed. "Allow us respite! We'll get an air purifier here or something, I promise! Just for one second..."
"Very well, Ribena- coloured girl. But I am only allowing YOU in." Jabu- Jabu said. "I am most certainly NOT having that human gust bellows-" he indicated towards the exhausted Ganon with a fin- "inside my being, and your other friend seems to be dead. Small wonder. Anyway, hop inside!"
With that, he opened his enormous gob with the air of a drawbridge being lowered at a castle. One could almost hear the creak as it descended until it was at ground level and resting upon the plinth before it. It oozed slimy goo from every crevice, and the teeth looked as if they could do with a good clean. Vaati turned pale at the mere thought of entering, but knew he had no choice. He bade Shadow and Ganondorf a reluctant farewell, and stepped over the jagged teeth into the void.
He almost slipped over on his very first step- it seemed like the fish had serious acid reflux, and the combination of digestive juices and saliva combined to create a most unappetising trail of goo. The mage picked his way down step by careful step, grabbing onto the flappy folds of Jabu- Jabu's inner mouth to steady himself. The tissues slipped and slid under his wary grip, and eventually his fingers failed to grab a bit of skin with enough strength and he fell straight onto his backside, shrieking as he fell on a one- way trip down the fish's gullet.
He landed with an ugly splash in a pool of digestive juices. Since he was a somewhat non- corporeal being, it didn't burn or try to digest him. Relieved for small mercies, he lit a small flame in the palm of his hand and advanced onwards.
A Barinade floated past him, gloopy and transparent. He flinched away from it, but it still noticed him and struck out with an electrified tentacle. It hit Vaati across the chest, burning his tunic and electrocuting him with a loud CRACCCCCCCCKKKKKK that lit up the fish's entire digestive system.
20 minutes later, the wind mage was able to peel himself off the floor.
After this incident, he was less than enthusiastic about his mission and highly regretted not sending one of the others down instead. However, he was not one to complain and courageously made his way past the blood, guts, and...
"Wooden boxes?" he muttered, picking one up and examining it. "How the heck did wooden boxes get down here? Only in Ocarina Of Time, folks."
He smashed it on the floor and several Rupees fell out. He went to pick them up, before realising he didn't have never- ending pockets like Link (or, indeed, any sort of wallet), so left them there on the floor. They were quickly dissolved by the gastric acid seeping from every pore.
He took a step forward, slipped, and promptly plunged several "floors" through soft tissue into yet another pool. He landed on a platform of nerve endings, slid off them, and fell with an ungainly splash (CAN a splash be ungainly? Vote!) in the juices. "Damn!" he cursed, gathering his cloak around him and pulling himself up onto a squidgy platform of flesh. He lay there for a while, trying to ignore the putrid stink of fish insides. Suddenly, there was a loud SQUIDGE- SQUIDGE- SQUIDGE from behind him. (A/N: Italicising onomatopoeia? Oh, I do spoil you lot). He looked over his shoulder, still prostrate in the gunk. He seriously didn't feel he had the energy to go on anymore- also, he was pretty squeamish, and didn't want to look around any more than he needed to.
"Oy, mate! Whatcha bangin' around down here for! Where my homies, they'll sort you out!" a deep, sonorous voice called. A large, anthropomorphic blue fish rounded a corner. It had a regal crown perched at a rather jaunty angle on its head, and was dressed in a deep red cloak with delicate decorations rippling around the edges. It did not notice Vaati, and waded across to the platform he was on without even looking down. He would have stepped straight on Vaati's head if the mage had not yelled "Oy, fatso, watch your great feet!"
King Zora looked down with contempt. Vaati, realising he was in a vulnerable position, stood up and pulled himself to his full height. He only came up to King Zora's chest, but still managed to look down his nose at him. He had no respect for royalty- he believed he had the power of a god, and would not allow himself to look up to anyone. The sorcerer put his hands on his hips and narrowed his eyes. "I take it YOU are the king I've been sent to rescue?"
King Zora attempted to return the contemptuous look, but quickly withered under Vaati's iron glare. "Spot on, mate. I'm the big shot round here. You gimme that look again and I'll set my homies on you!"
"Nooooooo. You don't say." Vaati replied sarcastically. He grabbed the fish's fin, crinkling his nose at the slimy texture. "Come on, I've been in here long enough. We're getting out."
"WAAAAAIT!" King Zora yelled. "Who are you to order me around? You look like a glass of squash!"
Vaati stopped in his tracks. "What?"
This momentary hesitation was all the runaway monarch needed. Whipping his hand out of Vaati's grasp, he set off at light speed through Jabu- Jabu's digestive network.
"Oh, NO YA DON'T!" Vaati yelled (in times of high pressure, he had a tendency to sound a bit like Shadow). He set off after the king at a blistering pace, leaping ChuChus and dodging Barinades without a glance back. He slid around a corner, crashing against a wall but recovering quickly as he saw King Zora's blue form disappear off to his left. He crashed through a web of blood vessels, using a flap of soft tissue as an impromptu skateboard across the grime before smashing into a wooden box. He flew through the air and landed heavily, almost brushing the smooth silk of King Zora's cloak. The king shrieked when he realised how much Vaati had caught up, and redoubled his escape efforts while the mage was still winded.
Undeterred, Vaati leapt to his feet and pounded after the monarch. He felt the beginnings of a stitch and his shoulder hurt from where he had landed awkwardly, but he pushed this to one side for the moment as his feet splashed rapidly through gastric filth. Every time he reached a hand out to grab King Zora's cloak, he would always just miss it by a quarter of an inch, or it would slip out of his grasp. After chasing the podgy Zora through a huge fish's digestive system for nearly fifteen minutes, he was very close to throwing in the towel. It was not that he was physically unfit- it was just that after being sealed in a sword for so long, there had been significant muscle wastage in his body.
He had used to be able to cover the whole of Hyrule Field at full sprint in only 10 minutes, beating all the soldiers on horseback that had been chasing him at the time (it seemed that kidnapping maidens from Castle Town was rather frowned upon, even now). Now, underweight and a haggard shadow of his former self, he struggled to even catch up with an oversized monarch who ran like a drunken jelly.
Eventually, fate felt sympathy for the wind mage. King Zora stopped briefly at an intersection, head whipping left and right as he tried to decide which way to go ("WHERE MY HOMIES?!"). This was all Vaati needed, and the king had not even made a decision before he was hit from behind at full force, slammed into the wall and held there with a bony hand at his neck.
"Stay where you are." Vaati hissed in his ear. "Since you obviously can't be trusted to behave yourself, I am going to MAKE you go where I want you to. Hold tight, we're teleporting."
King Zora sighed submissively. Being kidnapped by a purple cape- wearing bishounen with hair down to his feet... He knew he should have abdicated to Link when he had had the chance.
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If next chapter is never posted, don't worry- it's only because I've been crushed under the weight of a million to- do lists -_-
Headache pills to the rescue!
Anyways, MENTIONS! Influx of guest reviews- well, I kid BECAUSE one of them (Lady GhiGhi) is from someone I've been pestering to review for a long time, the git. She had no excuse when another guest review cropped up as well, my first one since chapter 3+4. Anyways!
Swamp Dragon Princess: Incredibly long PM for your review as usual! I gave Vaati some more tough times in this chapter so he learns not to destroy any more innocent Canadian pharmaceutical companies. Gotta rush through ALttP because the entire storyline of LBW is up on Wikipedia and I'm dying to read it! Grrr...
SpiritofSilverWater: Oh yeah, completely and utterly. He'd just swan into his lab and drink all the substances. Then again, I think that's what Shaddy would WANT. A nice way to bump him off and call it "misadventure", no?
Lady GhiGhi: Namaste! Yeah, that's pretty deep. "Pure genius?" Uhhh! And mixed with something else... I'd love to know exactly what you mean by that. Actually, no, don't explain. But whaddya mean the Malon/Link thing is "gross"? That's why this is a T! (Actually, I'm thinking of raising the rating to a T+. Meh)... But surely it doesn't have the same gross- out factor as Vaati and "aforemetioned gmail censored aphrodisac"? - Love that =D For your information, a triskaidekaphobe is someone who has an innate fear of the number 13. Kind of understandable.
cutiecreeper: Um, thank you! Please don't snort your innards out though, I don't wish to be the indirect cause of your death! You're the third reviewer to say this story's "genius". I must say I'm flattered!
OK, so next chapter, a little preview. The three come across Vio, it's all too much for Vaati, and Ganondorf acts stupid.
Have a nice weekend, all! ^_^
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