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AAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH had to analyse four tubes of wee for glucose today in Biology. NOT GOOD! I'm hyper. "Never to God." I hear you say sarcastically.
Hahaaa, I can't believe I got this chapter finished in time. I was literally up until 10 last night finishing it off because I thought I had completed it, so I went to upload it ready and I was like "NOOOOOOOOOOO! IT'S NOT EVEN HALF DONE PANIC PANIC PANIIIIIIIIIIC!"
AND I just noticed an ENORMOUS PLOTHOLE IN THIS CHAPTER. So I've spent a while fixing it. I'm not going to mention it because I don't know if it's completely finished yet! And I know you lot would go looking for it ;)
Oh, and ATTENTION ANYONE PLAYING LINK BETWEEN WORLDS! I reckon Hilda is Vaati's descendant! Yeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
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A serious trigger warning this time: Bad yaoi for comedic effect. And a really long chapter. Sorry! There are a lot more paragraphs, I'm just trying to streamline the story more so the text isn't bunched together in huge unreadable clumps...
Update: Most of this has been paragraphed now, including the early chapters ^^ Phew.
Chapter Fifteen: It's All Too Much For Vaati
Shadow had just got to his feet from his choking fit when Vaati and King Zora teleported right on top of him. He was crushed under the weight of his master and the giant fish, yelling a swear word as his face plunged into the water. Vaati pulled Shadow to his feet, muttering an apology. King Zora attempted yet another run for it, but Ganondorf in a rare show of helpfulness stuck out his foot in his path.
The king tripped heavily over it and his head landed in an upturned jar. "Well, I have accomplished my mission." Vaati said half- cheerily. He turned to Jabu- Jabu. "Thank you for allowing me into your stomach in order to search for the King. I am happy to say that I require your services no longer and you may return to your usual state. Again, thank you very much and have a nice day."
"Have a TERRIBLE day! We're Kuroi!" Ganondorf announced obstinately, pushing Vaati aside.
"Hang on... weren't you meant to go and get Blue Link?" Shadow asked, somewhat confused. Vaati grinned.
"Aha, this is where the Plothole Fairy comes in. Blue, I suggest you reveal yourself. Otherwise, I can easily force you to lose your facade." he said calmly, turning to the shaking King. Surprisingly, the fish complied. He closed his eyes, whispered a chant, and his body morphed into several different shadowy forms before finally settling into Blue Link's.
The third facet of the Hero adopted a defensive stance and glared at them, gritting his teeth heavily. He clenched them together so hard he chipped one, and took a brief moment off to swear in pain before returning to his usual stance. With a violent clash of metal, he drew his sword.
Shadow Link drew his sword too, and the two approached eachother. Vaati and Ganon stepped back, deciding to let the shadow boy take this one. Vaati reckoned he had done enough fighting already, and Ganondorf just didn't want to face the most erratic, violent Link of them all. He regretted not staying to fight- or rather, burn- the cowardly Red Link. It would have been a lot easier.
Shadow was the first to strike, lashing out at Blue with a flash of dark metal. Blue responded quickly, snatching at the blade and catching it between his fingers. Although it caused a large gash to open up down his palm, this still threw Shadow- who had been expecting him to parry or block with his sword- off his guard. Blue took advantage of his shock to slash at him, hitting him across the chest.
Vaati, enraged at seeing his creation attacked like this, leapt in and attacked Blue with a Jackie Chan- style kick that sent him sprawling to the floor with a heavy thump. Shadow immediately did a backwards handspring neatly onto his stomach and jumped up and down on him cheerfully.
The King Of Evil watched with raised, half- impressed eyebrows. His minions' fighting techniques had not exactly become any more sophisticated... but hey, they were still winning fights, and in a war that was all that mattered. Blue lay on the ground, breathing very lightly. "Ahem. Can you please die so that I can advance the story?" the author asked.
"What? Oh yeah, sure." Blue replied, and promptly copped it.
The three teleported out of the area, leaving the author milling around boredly.
"Okay, so Vio's in Gerudo Valley, right?" Ganon asked, consulting the map. "Oh yay, it's only 30 centimetres away!"
"30 KILOMETRES, Master. Didn't I explain this before?" Vaati snapped, annoyed. Ganon snorted and tossed the map at him angrily. "Fine. YOU sort it out, then."
Shadow seemed oddly silent. His two superiors did not notice, as they were now embroiled in a vicious argument over map- to- real ratio again. He trudged along with them, dragging his feet and going over this dilemma. He was very close friends with Vio- indeed, the purple Link had worked for the Kuroi side for a long while. Unfortunately they had discovered him as a traitor, and Shadow had ordered his best friend to be killed. Unfortunately, Vio had been rescued by the other three Links.
Most Kuroi were furious about this, and he was indeed their highest priority in terms of who should be killed first (something the three of them had completely ignored, natch). But Shadow was still very fond of Vio, even though he hated his guts at the same time. He mused that this must be what it be like to have a wife. As usual, they journeyed to their destination with much bickering and strife. (Hey, that rhymed! Yup, I still haven't grown up). The weather had fluctuated wildly in Hyrule as of late- first it was so cold they could barely walk, then it was so hot they could barely walk. Ganondorf made an offhand comment about Din being drunk only to be hit with a giant hailstone.
"But it's sunny!" Shadow wailed, pointing to the sky in confusion.
"I told you, Din's legless." Ganondorf muttered, only to be zapped by lightning.
It was lucky, then, that Vaati had some degree of control over the weather. Although wind was his main area of expertise, he was still able to adjust the temperature to comfortable levels whenever it became particularly unbearable. It didn't help that Nayru had decided to join Din in the bar, thus the time swung from early morning to late at night. This greatly confused the various Cucco roosters all around Hyrule, who burst into an unstoppable cacophony of crowing.
"For Hylia's sake, MAKE THEM STOP!" Ganondorf screamed, picking up Vaati and smashing him against a wall.
"Er, takin' out your rage on my master ain't gonna help..."
"SO WHAT?!"
Since there was no way of telling the time anymore, not even the omnipotent author is able to give an accurate estimation of how long they took to get to Gerudo Valley. However, she guesses it was about five hours due to Ganon having a complete mental breakdown and refusing to move any further. Well, that was his plan, but by that time Shadow and Vaati were about to go insane as well. They decided to take out their frustrated energy on their master, both grabbing an arm each and physically dragging him all the way there.
"We should've done this a long time ago." Vaati muttered. Shadow had to agree.
They stopped before the bridge that signified the entrance to their destination (yup, OoT world again). As was the norm, it had once again been broken in two. Shadow procured a hookshot and attempted to claw himself across, only to just miss the mark and have it recoil back in his face.
As Shadow lay on the floor bleeding, Vaati picked up some Horse Grass (TP now) and blew Epona's melody into it, deciding to see if she would be able to jump the gap. Ganondorf happened to look up at that moment.
"Vaati, are you smoking?!" he shrieked.
"It looks like it, Master, but I assure you I'm not." came the reply.
(A/N: Had to put that in. Next time you play TP (assuming you have it, of course), take a look at Link when he's blowing into the grass thingies. It genuinely looks as if he's smoking something. My dad first pointed that out ("Why is Link smoking weed? WHAT AGE RATING IS THIS GAME?!"), and now I can't stop thinking about it. He ruined that game for me!)
As expected, there was a loud clattering of hooves from the distance and Epona crested the horizon heroically. Her mane even went as far as to billow in the nonexistent wind (as is the norm for heroic scenes) as she raised her head and whinnied. She skidded to a stop, kicking up small dust clouds that lightly coated the bottom of her hooves, and stood proudly- on the opposite side of the bridge.
"Oh for [CENSORED]'s sake!" Vaati screamed, throwing the grass to the ground and stamping on it.
Ganondorf, Shadow, Epona, and the builders scratching their bottoms outside the nearby tent all watched Vaati's complete mental breakdown. It eventually culminated in him blasting the entire Death Mountain area into space. The fragments would land later as far away as Britain, where they would spawn Ant and Dec.
It was decided after that that maybe Vaati wasn't in a good state to continue with the quest today. They wrestled him to the floor in a straitjacket and gave him Ganon's cape as a blanket.
"GET OFF ME! WHITEHALL 1212! THEY'RE KILLING MEEEEEEEEEE!" the wind mage wailed. Ganondorf stuffed a passing Tektite in his mouth to keep him quiet. Vaati ate it and continued to yell.
"DAVID CAMERON IS GOING TO KILL US ALL! I'M CELINE DION AND YOU'RE KENT HOVIND! DIE, YOU TAX- AVOIDING LITTLE [CENSORED], AND TAKE THE REST OF THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE WITH YOUUUUUUUU!"
Vio stirred blearily in his makeshift bed. He propped himself up, taking care not to hit the mirror that was standing next to him. He could hear faint yells from the distance- it was impossible to make out whose voice it was, but being a Hero his automatic instinct was to go and find out if anybody was in trouble. If they were, he would rubberneck it, then video it and upload it to YouTube, and only then save the poor soul.
He fumbled for his video camera and swung the strap around his neck. It was quite a handy thing, this- an old man in Kakariko had given it to him. Being a Link, people seemed obliged to give him various trinkets whenever he so much as stopped to talk to them. Since he was known as the most intelligent of the four Links, he was usually given free rein of all the items because he was the only one sensible enough to use them properly. (He still didn't believe the rumours that Blue had been going around with the Clawshot whipping all the skirts off various ladies. He wasn't smart enough to think of that).
Placing a protective spell over the Mirror, he picked up his sword and made his way outside. Even though it had been evening just a couple of minutes ago, it was now midnight and ridiculously cold. He regretted wearing such a flimsy tunic- but then again, when it was hot he regretted wearing such a heavy tunic. It is a rule of life that one's perception of clothes varies with the weather.
As he got closer, he could hear the shouts more clearly. He could hear various soundbites such as "NON MI PIACCIONO VIDEOGIOCHI!" (Even though he's the villain from several?) and "KONPYUTAA NO GEIMU GA DAIKIRAI DESU!" (Seriously? Is that all he knows how to say?) There was even a hint of "DW I DDIM HOFFI...!" which soon petered out because nobody can speak Welsh. Not even Vaati. The language eventually became a cross between Hylian and Esperanto, and stuck there. Vio cautiously approached this scene, thankful that he was on the opposite side of the bridge. His eyes widened as he realised exactly who he was seeing. His three worst enemies; Ganondorf,
Vaati, and- Shadow Link.
Right at that moment, Shadow happened to glance over as well. He froze as he recognised Vio.
The two of them walked slowly towards eachother, separated only by the gaping chasm that split the two lands. They stood on the edge, not sure whether to hurl insults or not. It seemed that both of them were thinking the same thing; deep down, they were still good friends. An emotional moment was destined to follow as they both took one step further...
"NOOOOO! DON'T LICK ME, GHIRAHIM! WHY DO I HATE SAMOSAS SO MUCH?! WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
Vaati's anguished cry caused them both to jump in shock. They promptly jumped over the edge and fell into the river.
Ganondorf rushed from Vaati's side to peer over the lip of the cliff. He was glad to see that Shadow had managed to clamber out and was now attempting to hookshot his way back up without getting it in the face. Vio, on the other hand, was being swept downstream, unable to swim against the violent current.
Shadow could not bear to see this.
Without really thinking, he whipped around and summoned a spell that twined around his hand gracefully. He shot it at Vio, and it wrapped around the purple Link much like a lasso. He wrenched his arm and his friend was pulled towards him, crashing into him and knocking them both to the floor.
Vio clambered to his feet quickly, leaving Shadow sprawled across a particularly sharp rock. "S...Shadow Link? I'm so sorry..."
Shadow sat up and smiled, ignoring the stabbing pain in his back. "Vio... I'm sorry..."
Ganondorf's satisfied expression quickly turned to one of horrified nausea as the two embraced tenderly. He recoiled back from the edge, making gagging noises. Now THIS was a rock and a hard place- did he go back to the wailing, slightly psychotic Vaati, or watch the somewhat yaoi- like scenes unfolding below? He decided to just sit down on the spot and wait it out.
Shadow let a moan escape his lips as Vio stroked his hair softly. Panting, he reached out and grabbed the purple Link's hand, clutching it tightly as he closed his eyes. "Vio..."
Vio leaned down, brushing his bangs out of his eyes. He kissed Shadow gently on the forehead, running his strong hands down his waist.
"Vio... I need..."
"I know. I know what you need." the Link smiled, and leaned in for a tender, lingering kiss as he let their chests press together. His fingers pulled at Shadow's belt, dying to rip it off. He could feel his shade's muscle tone... it was so beautiful and strong...
"Ngggg... Vio...!" Shadow hissed into his mouth. Vio broke off, taking a while to savour Shadow's expression. It was gorgeous, teeth gritted with... what was it? Longing? Suppressed desire?
"What's the matter, my darling?" he whispered into his ear, licking the sensitive area just below it.
"I AM IN SERIOUS PAIN! THERE IS A [CENSORED] ROCK JAMMED IN MY BACK!" Shadow yelled.
There was dead silence.
Of course, it was eventually broken by Vaati wailing about how Oprah Winfrey was actually a Jammie Dodger in disguise "AND SHE'S GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"Oh great, now he's a bloody conspiracy theorist." Ganondorf moaned, head in hands. He started to rock backwards and forwards and sing nursery rhymes to himself.
At the bottom of Gerudo Canyon, Shadow had finally managed to pull the rock and various other things out of his back and was now hookshotting (wow, is that even a verb?) his way back up the sheer cliff face. Vio was clinging onto his tunic tightly, slightly disappointed that Shadow's moans and whimpers were less to do with arousal and more to do with a geographical feature embedded in his skin.
Ganondorf wrenched them up the last few metres, feeling like he was about to have a breakdown himself. Shadow lay on the floor, rubbing his sore back painfully and swatting Vio away when he attempted to massage it.
Vio slumped sadly, kneeling next to Shadow. "So... what exactly are you here for?"
"Don't tell him, Shadow!" Ganondorf yelled. "It's a SUPER- SECRET MISSION!"
Vio guessed pretty quickly. "You want the Dark Mirror back, don't you?"
"NO! I WANT A DOGGY AND A BOTTLE OF BLEACH! C'MON, ALABAMA, SING IT LOUD!" This from Vaati.
Vio looked over at him, expression changing undecided between amusement and horror. It eventually settled on an ugly grimace. "Is he alright? Not that I care if he is or not..."
"Naah, he's had a villainous breakdown and has now completely lost it. Believe it or not, he used to be as intelligent as you, Vio." Shadow sighed. He looked over at his demented master. "I don't think he'll ever be the same again."
Vio stepped back, deciding to leave the three to their own business. He couldn't help feeling sad as he turned to leave. Shadow's feelings for him were merely mutual... they were never destined to be lovers. He stopped and spouted off a Romeo- and- Juliet- style piece about the dangers of yaoi and the devastation of not living up to the fanbase's expectations.
Vaati stopped screaming about Julian Clary abducting Madonna and listened intently, expression turning to one of surprise. Ganondorf, who had been trying to clamp his mouth shut using his own fingers, withdrew his hand. There was silence as the wind mage closed his eyes, a sane smile spreading over his face as he listened to the beautiful language. His body relaxed and his hands, which had been balled into tight fights behind his back, unfolded slowly. He could feel sanity returning hesitantly to his fevered mind- how beautiful the prose, how moving the words! Thought became a coherent concept once again, and the world adjusted and sharpened. Calm dulled his systems and he fell off to sleep like a baby.
Vio stopped to take a deep breath, having run out of words. He bowed his head, subconsciously half- expecting one of Vaati's shrieks to ring through the air again. However, this time there was a peaceful silence. The Link turned in surprise to see the wind mage fast asleep, completely calm and sane. Ganondorf's hand was still hovering over him in shock, its owner still unable to believe that just a couple of boring lines could cool his insane minion down so much. Shadow got to his feet, staring at his master as if it was a new dawn. Surely now, Vaati was happy?- his breakdown was gone, and his quick mind was ticking over rapidly as it had always been.
Vio shrugged. Maybe he should become an author or something. He was never really made out for this Hero lark anyway, as his time on the Kuroi side had proved. Once again, he turned to go.
"Vaati, are you better now?" Ganondorf asked. Vaati opened his eyes.
"What, was I ill?"
"You were spoutin' something about Julian-"
"CLARY! GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRHHHHHH!"
"SHUDDUP!" Vio yelled, sprinting back across in frustration and ripping one of his boots off. He shoved it in Vaati's mouth. "What is WRONG with this guy?! OH MY GOD. He just ATE my freaking BOOT!"
"SHADOW!" Vaati screamed.
"What?!" Shadow screamed back.
"W... what if..." Vaati's lower lip trembled and he clutched Shadow's hand tightly. "Oh, Shadow... what if the Hokey Cokey really IS what it's all about?"
"I can assure you it's not." Vio muttered.
"But- but- WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Oh, for God's sake. Get it over with." Epona said disdainfully, and trotted away.
Vio eventually persuaded Vaati that the Hokey Cokey was not AT ALL what life was all about, and calmed him down with a rendition of "The Entertainer" on the Ocarina. Shadow and Ganondorf both seriously considered swapping Vio for the wind mage, deciding that poor Vaati's mind may never be the same again. Luckily, by the time Vio had blown his last note, Vaati seemed much more intelligent again and was happy to answer flashcards held up by Shadow to check his brain was still functioning.
"Quadratic equation!"
"Linear mathematical sequence!"
"Orbitofrontal cortex!"
"Did someone say Cortex?" The author popped her head out from behind a rock.
"AAAAAAUUUUUUU-"
The author disappeared again ("Oops!")
"Light purple!"
"Bright blue!"
"Dark orange!"
"Did someone say Dark?" Dark Link ran over to the group, looking chuffed at his moment in the limelight. "Hmmm, let's see. You, you, and you-" he pointed at the three in turn, "you're all rubbish. I think I may as well be in charge of this group now."
"As if, PinkFluffyBunnyWabbit8343!" Shadow yelled, flinging the cards down. "I'M the dark version of Link here!"
"Oh yeah?!"
"Yeah!"
"Prove it! You're pathetic! AND YOU KILLED MY MUMMY!"
"O author! Show him who's boss!"
The author typed a couple of lines into her computer. Dark was (in order) zapped by lightning, crushed by a rock, eaten by a bunny, pooed back out, run through with a sword, force- fed Ben and Jerry's, made to hula- hoop for an hour, and sat on by Ganondorf.
He crawled away defeated.
Evening was falling now over the valley. Vaati had been wrapped in a blanket and was happily joining in a rendition of Natalie Imbruglia hits. They sounded surprisingly good with an ocarina backing, especially "Torn". Vio looked over at his new- found friends- Ganondorf was picking his nose, Vaati was bellowing a harmony, and Shadow was pretending desperately to know the words to "WYUT". He wondered if maybe, this story was starting to hit a positive note.
Naaaah.
Anyways! MENTIONS!
Swamp Dragon Princess: Yup, the three are getting NOWHERE. It seems like Vio will have to sort them out. I can see Vio and Vaati becoming quite good friends... I never much liked the Zoras either! I think it was because the first time I saw them was Twilight Princess at ten past one in the morning and their creepy masks were a bit much for me. I wonder if Shaddy would be any good at comedy? His routine would probably focus around swearing and lame puns- the latter I'm excellent at, so maybe I should!
SpiritofSilverWater: I'd quite like to be swallowed by a giant fish! I read one book where the main character got swallowed by a shark and inside it was amazing, with all the latest mod cons and a MASSIVE flatscreen TV. That's a realistic expectation, right?
Sorry I couldn't get this chapter out early for you! I genuinely was considering it, BUT as you can see, things suddenly caught up with me and I was SERIOUSLY behind on everything and this chapter got neglected a little. Oooops...
Lady GhiGhi: Uh. Sorry about that. I had a dream once that I was Vaati and I was swinging naked from a gymnastics bar made out of rope outside my school's science block. If you ever have dreams like that, I highly recommend you stop reading this!
Snow in Scotland, people! Here's hoping Wales will be next so I don't have to go to school, urgh.
Happy 20 days until Christmas! (I'm wearing a Santa hat right now. I'm so festive this year!) =D