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1,000 VIEWS! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Actually hit on the Thursday I posted Chapter 15! Hahaaaa!
(Yeah, I know, I bet any other story would have tons more by now...)

BY THE WAY. If any of you have Windows XP (which I have, but my computer also runs 2000 as well. Gulp), have you had an update called svchost or something like that? I have been THREE HOURS- no exaggeration. THREE HOURS trying to update this because my CPU was constantly at 100% because of that one program. It came from an automatic update I think. And combined with the fact I only have dialup access... SO SLOW SO SLOW SO SLOW!
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Chapter Sixteen: Ganondorf, Poet Laureate of Hyrule

To cut a VERY long story short (the author is somewhat worried that a story she only wrote for a fat laugh is now 61 pages and far too many words long), Vio invited all of them over for a stay in the Gerudo's Fortress. He decided that life on the dark side was a lot more fun than the good side- and after all, if you couldn't beat 'em, join 'em! All of his comrades had been killed anyway... he decided that it wasn't really worth hanging on as the last man standing when you had Shadow Link.

The group had their first comfortable sleep in ages that night, made to feel like kings by the Gerudo. Vio had even ordered in beds for them- proper beds, not the mattress on the floor that had come closest to one in Talon and Malon's. Ganondorf stormed off, offended that the Gerudo were equally as fond of the friendly Link as they were of him ("I'm their king anyway! They should bow to me and kiss my hand!").

"Or your feet." Vio suggested.
"Or your [CENSORED]." Shadow suggested also. Three nearby Gerudo fainted.
"Er, Shaddy, maybe that was a little harsh..." Vaati pointed out. Shadow put a finger to his lips.
"Don't worry NOW, Master! Hot damn, we're livin' it up here! And look, here's the Mirror!" he yelled, dancing over to it and flinging his arms around its girth. Vaati approached it gladly, gathering his cloak around his thin shoulders.
"Hey, Mirror." he smiled. "How have you been?"

The Mirror spoke in a gentle, feminine voice. "I'm as fine as a rootin', tootin' bug in a rug! How's ya'll?"

"I've totally inherited its voice!" Shadow announced proudly to a shocked Vio. Vaati closed his eyes in despair. He couldn't help wishing sometimes he had been a bit less... lax when specifying Shadow's accent. He didn't think it would have been a problem- that was, until he had heard the Mirror speak for the first time, telling him that "Hot DAMN, ya'll, I'm ready to give birth or somethin'!". It was then that he had realised things might be a problem. Fast- forward a couple of months and, surprise surprise, Shadow's accent was a perfect copy. It was rather irritating, especially for someone as naturally well- spoken as himself.

The Mirror noticed Vio cowering in a corner. "Hey, didn't ya'll try an' smash me?"
"I'm sorry, I won't do it again!"
"Ya'll'd BETTER NOT OR-"
"Okay, guys, I think maybe we had better get some sleep!" Vaati interjected, stepping between the two with arms outstretched. "We're all a little overtired after this eventful day, and I'm sure emotions are running high. Hopefully we will wake up in the morning-"
"Yeah, I hope." Shadow sang, breezing past. Vaati's arms slumped to his side and he couldn't help smiling. This was just like what life was back at the Kuroi HQ.
The Kuroi HQ...
The Links were dead and they had retrieved the Mirror.
Soon they would be going back.

Ganondorf stayed up in his chamber most of the night, planning various evil schemes. He decided that although the adventuring life wasn't for him- he would send Shadow and Vaati to do the dirty work- he should really do stuff like this more often.
He lay back on his elaborate four- poster bed and snapped his fingers. A young Gerudo came running up to him. "Yes, O Sweet Lord Ganondorf?"
"Get me some grapes. I want to pretend I'm a Roman emperor and eat them lying down."
Vaati's voice inadvertently came into his head. "But Master, eating while in a horizontal position may cause the food to block your airways and lead to asphyxiation"
"Shut up, Vaati!" he snapped. "Just bring me the grapes, servant girl!"

Vaati's voice came into his head again. "Master, in the Gerudo Desert temperatures regularly exceed 95 degrees Fahrenheit. This is above the optimum growing temperature for grapes and thus will produce unsuitable crops."
"Vaati, would you get back to bed?!" Ganondorf snapped at the window. Vaati reluctantly lowered himself down to the ground. ("Sorry Master, I couldn't sleep.")

The servant brought Ganondorf the grapes and watched him as he dropped them down his throat one by one, propping himself up on his elbow like he had seen all the Romans do in movies. The reality of eating grapes while lying down soon became apparent, though, and he found it was not as easy as it was made to look. He ended up being given the Heimlich manoeuvre by his servant after almost choking to death on a rouge stalk.
It was then that he decided to throw in the towel for the night, and went to sleep.

He woke up the next morning in a pool of sweat. Obviously the temperature had risen considerably overnight and now he greatly regretted sleeping in his armour. It was a pretty difficult task getting it off in a normal situation, let alone at 11AM when it was actually sticking to his body. He decided to try and clawshot it off himself (a pretty intelligent move for someone like him) but alas, he had the same problem with Shadow in terms of the recoil. His hand ended up bruised, bleeding, and sore, with a broken pinkie finger for good measure.

Stamping his foot angrily (and almost going through the floor as a consequence), he began to pace around the room as he wondered how to get it off. He grinned widely as he came up with another idea. "Maybe... if I jump from the top- floor window, when I hit the ground all my armour will fly off! It worked with Argorok in Twilight Princess!"
He staggered up the flights of stairs to the top, stroking his chin as he went and deciding to have a shave. He summoned a sword and cut off some stray hairs from his face. Ignoring the blood running from the areas as a result of his none- too- dainty handiwork, he reached the top floor and placed his foot upon the open windowsill overlooking the valley. He leaned forward-

KA- THUMP.

Shadow woke up when he realised the ground was shaking. His first instinct was to take cover under a table, thinking it was an earthquake.
Vio stirred in the bed next to him and wiped the sleepy dust from his eyes. "Jeez, an earthquake first thing in the morning? What is it with this place?"

"Actually, it's nearly midday. We slept late again." Shadow pointed out. His voice shook from the vibrations all around them.
Vio looked around. "Where's Lord Vaati?"
"Just call him Vaats. Or just Vaati. Or Fatty, he hates that. Anyway, I think he came up with a new scientific theory at some ungodly hour and it simply couldn't wait until the morning."
"Does he always do that?" Vio frowned.
"Yeah. He has a lab squirrelled away somewhere here. Once he's there, he won't come out until he's proved his theory correct. Even it's completely wrong, he still finds a way to break every single law of physics to get it right. He's constantly arguing with the scientific communities with what lines NOT to cross in order to prove his stuff right." Shadow sighed. "He mostly gets his stuff right, thank the Goddesses. But when he doesn't..." He spread his arms wide to emphasize the consequences.

Vio nodded. Vaati sounded a bit like Blue, except with science instead of kickboxing. Not that Blue had been any good at kickboxing, but still... the point stood.

As he thought this, he noticed that his bed was still again. It appeared that the earth had calmed itself, and the shaking had now stopped.
"What on earth happened...?" Shadow whispered. He crawled out from under the table and snapped the window open, peering through it.
He and Vio left their room, stepping out blearily into the morning sunlight. Sand crunched under their feet as they went in search of the source of the earthquake. They eventually came across Ganondorf, lying bruised and bleeding on the floor.

"Hot damn, Master, ya look as if you just got in the way of an Olympic runnin' final!" Shadow laughed. Ganondorf shot a disapproving blast of dark magic at him. Shadow sidestepped it neatly, causing Vio to be blasted all the way to Gran Canaria. "What were you tryin' to do, exactly?" Shadow asked, ignoring the fact his friend was now being hosed off some Spanish highway somewhere. Ganondorf fixed him with a vicious glare, attempting to pick himself up and failing miserably. He returned to his position on the floor with a (slightly quieter) thump.
"I was trying to get my armour off!" he growled. "Whoever makes this stuff-"

There was the sound of a zip being opened, a short SWIP from behind his back. Ganon's eyebrows raised as he felt the pressure on his body become considerably lighter. To his glee, there were several short WHANG- CHIK- WHAKs as his armour snapped off his sweaty body and clattered to the floor. At this time of day, the hard desert ground was almost untouchable, so the metal burnt up almost immediately. It shone viciously as it reflected the midday sun, causing both of them to shield their eyes.

"It had a zip?" Ganondorf muttered. "How the hell did I put it on last night?! I thought it had poppers!"
"That's why you found it so difficult to get on as well, then."
"WERE YOU WATCHING ME GETTING DRESSED?!"
"Vaati dared me. He paid me 300 rupees!"
Ganondorf decided not to answer this, instead expressing his disapproval with a loud fart. As Shadow's face contorted in disgust, he summoned three Gerudo with a click of his fingers and ordered them to pull him up.

This proved rather difficult. The Gerudo spent over an hour trying to hoist their leader onto his feet, and he completely refused to help them. One could practically see the beads of sweat form on the women's faces as they tried- and failed, for the sixteenth time- to lift Ganondorf up.
"Maybe we could hire a giant rabbit?" Shadow suggested. Vaati rolled his eyes.
"What good would that do?" he asked.
Dark Link, who had been sauntering past rather casually after being called into the story once again, froze. Then he walked a little quicker. Unfortunately his movements had not gone unnoticed by Vaati, and the mage's sharp eyes brightened as he realised what Shadow meant.
"Yes! I agree! Cortex! One giant rabbit, please!"
"You're lucky I'm your fangirl." the author muttered, typing a couple of lines into her computer.

There was a ridiculously loud roar as the rabbit from the previous chapter ambled into sight, with a hookshot in its hand. By this time Dark had sprinted across the desert sands as if his tunic was on fire, only to crash right into the closed gates that led out to the main desert and almost slice himself in half. The rabbit advanced towards Ganondorf until it happened to catch the scent of fear nearby. It whirled round with a surprising amount of agility.
"N- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The rabbit's eyes widened. It had never noticed... quite how beautiful Dark was before... It looked down at the hookshot in its hand. Surely there was only one use for it now. Aiming it carefully, he shot it at Dark and earned a perfect hit. The man was yanked into it, and given a spine- crushing embrace.
"You! Me! MARRY!" "No! No! NO!"
"You! Me! MARRY!"
"And if we don't?"

"Then it will probably be hungry, and it will then need a poo." Vaati stated simply, quite enjoying this turn of events.

Dark began to struggle, valiantly trying to escape his inevitably dire fate. "FORGET IT! I didn't come here to be mistreated like this! Put me down, you unholy abomination!"
The rabbit shushed him by slapping him very rapidly, several times, across the face. "Marry! I have ice cream!"
"NOOOOOOO! NOT THE ICE CREAM! AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!"
"I would suggest you store him in your stomach for now, otherwise he may not stop struggling." Vaati called up.
The rabbit complied, and Dark's shrieks were cut off as he was swallowed neatly. There were several loud thumps from inside the rabbit as the Link plunged down towards his ugly doom. Again.
"Won't he be dissolved by the stomach acid?" Shadow asked.
"Noooo." Vaati shook his head. "The author will make sure he survives... he'll just be taken back to this lovely rabbit's lair via gut and excreted straight into a marriage situation."
Shadow raised an eyebrow. "Guy's not havin' a good time, is he? And then when he gets back he's gonna have to do a nurse job..."

Completely neglecting its' original purpose, the rabbit had skipped off to enjoy the beginning of a new life with his true love. Thus, the operation to lift Ganondorf resumed.

This took a long while, and eventually they had to enlist the help of the Hyrule Castle Guard and a crane. The crane snapped, which meant that they eventually used magic, which they had neglected to think of in the beginning. Despite being magical beings and all that.

By this time, it was one in the evening. Vaati was on the roof doing paperwork (despite having a room to himself, he still preferred to work in the fresh air. He was so used to the stench of Ganon's backside that it followed him into EVERY. SINGLE. PLACE. WITH. FOUR. WALLS!). Shadow had procured a phone from somewhere and was attempting to ring the Hylian Embassy, wondering what had become of Vio. This proved futile when a black hole appeared in the middle of the desert due to the time paradox someone using a phone in a mediaeval setting had created. Ganondorf, due to his short attention span, was bored again. He first contemplated jumping off the roof once more. Then he contemplated farting. After he had done this profusely, though, he once again found himself in the undesirable position of having to THINK of something to do. He rolled over onto his back, giving himself a stomach tan in the desert heat, and came up with an idea.

He rolled over onto his stomach again, since he had been lying on a rock. Although this rock now pressed into his stomach, he didn't really feel it through all the rolls of fat- why was it, he wondered, that one always had less back fat? He would ask Vaati later.
"Hey, everyone!" he yelled from the floor. "Gather 'round, gather 'round. Uncle Ganny has come up with an AWESOME idea!"

Vaati got there first, hoisting his mountains of paperwork under his arm uncomfortably. It was so hot now that the ink was melting, and Vaati himself had stripped down to only his boxers. Two Gerudo stopped and observed. "Damn, it's a boy!" muttered one.
"Blow me down." muttered the other.

Ganondorf glanced up at his most trusted aide, and grinned. Vaati returned the expression somewhat awkwardly, already dreading what terrible thought was going through his master's mind right now. Previous "great ideas" that had come from Ganondorf were; belly- button unscrewing competitions ("I'll replace your butt if it falls off, I promise!"). Then there had been who- can- keep- your- face- in- the- fire- the- longest competitions ("I'll replace your face if it burns off, I promise!"), and finally there had been kick- Vaati- repeatedly- in- the- groin- day ("I'll replace your foot when it falls off from kicking him AS HARD AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! EVERYWHERE YOU POSSIBLY CAN! I promise!"). (It wasn't that Ganon didn't like Vaati, it was just that he had originally organised a kick- the- Dark- Mirror- until- it- smashes day. When Vaati complained, Ganon suggested he take it's place).

Seeing his minion's (now slightly panicked, recalling that hideous day) expression, Ganon attempted to reassure him. "Don't worry, Vaats, it won't be anything as sadistic as that. Wait until everybody gathers round-"
"They are all here and accounted for, Master."
"Very well, then! Okay, what I want you all to do- IS WRITE A POEM! ABOUT ME!"

There was a shocked silence. "The best poem will have a tune of my own making put to it and be sang in the Kuroi HQ as our anthem every day! Before breakfast, after breakfast, between breakfast and lunch, before lunch, after lunch, between lunch and tea, before tea, after tea, between tea and supper, before supper, after supper, before bed, and you will be forced to sing it in your sleep as well. I wrote one of my own!"

Ganon proceeded to fish out a dog- eared piece of paper from his pocket. Vaati noted, without much surprise, that it was on the back of one of his paperwork sheets which he had stayed up until 2:30 AM finishing. The King Of Evil cleared his throat loudly, scaring a flock of birds out of a nearby tree. "Allow me to read it to you! Let it give you inspiration. Ahem-

My name is Ganondorf and I am cool.
I really rule.
I like ham
But I don't like it with jam.
I am not very big
And I am a pig.
So I don't really like ham
But I eat it when I can.
'Cause it's my mum.
I have a bum.
I am not a lass
But I have a lot of gas.
I am proud
To fart loud.
Like so."

He then ended the poem with a thunderous fart.

There was a queasy silence, broken only by Vaati's applause and several Gerudo fainting.
"Anyway, go! Go and write an ode to me! Even though it won't be as good as mine, have a try anyway." Ganon said, waving a dismissive hand. He crumpled the sheet up and ate it. Vaati said nothing, quite used to this mistreatment of his work.

Written mainly for Swamp Dragon Princess! Hope you get well soon ^^
MENTIONS!

Swamp Dragon Princess: Didn't even think of that! Yess... it must have wormed its way back in, even though I thought I deleted it... Miss Imbruglia seems to get everywhere.
I feel quite bad for treating Darky the way I do in this chapter now! After all, the poor guy's being so nice to you... Do you think he deserves a happy ending? ;)
Yeah, I enjoy writing the Ganny parts. That's why most of this chapter was all him! He must love the attention! Though of COURSE, he'd never help his comrades again. I bet he was furious to learn he actually aided them by sticking that rogue foot out. Tut tut.

SoulXSilverII: I was so happy to get a review from you! =D Very worth it! Let us all be happy (or slightly disappointed) that Vaati's mind has returned to its stable state! Maybe.

Lady GhiGhi: Um... no, I can't say I can imagine that. I don't think Vaati would be "hip" enough, I see him as someone still stuck in the past for some reason! Although it was mentioned before (Chapter 4 I think?) that he was a good dancer, so maybe!
Glad you didn't mention any more dreams. Otherwise I probably would've told you to stop reading this.

Umumumumumum... Hey, I can't think of any closing quotes! ...Ah, that was one. Business as usual then.