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Hello! Some more poems in this chapter, be warned that NONE OF THEM ARE SERIOUS EFFORTS. Don't know if I should raise the age rating of this fic just so younger people's brains don't melt when they see the utter awfulness that is Gerudo poetry...
For some reason though, this chapter does seem a little more serious than the others, even though the poetry is intended for comedic effect. I have no idea why, but rest assured next chapter is going to resume normal service!
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Chapter Seventeen: They Don't Like Gannon...
Five minutes later, Vaati and Shadow sat in the former's room, a piece of paper sat empty on the desk before them. Shadow absentmindedly dipped the quill in ink and sneezed on it, shooting ink everywhere. "Shadow!" Vaati snapped. "Don't do that!"
"Sorry." the boy muttered. "I'm tryin' to find inspiration."
"You wouldn't find inspiration if the Hyrule Guard shot it at you from a cannon." Vaati hissed.
Shadow sat up straight, eyes bright. His mind whirred into action. He was not a gifted poet, particularly- that was more Vio's kind of thing. The purple Link had been known to spend most of his nights with the Kuroi writing distressed prose about his predicament. Nevertheless, it seemed some of his friend's language skills had rubbed off on him. He spun round on his chair excitedly, turning to face Vaati.
"Master!" he gasped. "Quick, what rhymes with cannon?"
Vaati considered this for a moment. "Well, since it's about Ganondorf, the logical choice would be the incorrect American pronunciation of his name- e.g, Gannon."
"Jeez, ya sure do a lotta research on him." Shadow replied, scribbling the two words down quickly. "You two good friends?"
"No way. I don't like Ganon at all."
Inspiration struck the Link again. "Ya don't like Ganon! I don't like Ganon either! I DON'T LIKE GANNON...!"
He wrote this down hastily, spraying ink everywhere once more. "Now we need a sentence to go with "cannon"!"
There was a long silence. Vaati was not particularly good at poetry either. He was so bad at it, in fact, that he had been dumped by two former girlfriends after writing them sonnets.
His miserable thoughts were interrupted by a large fart from outside. The two instinctively covered their noses as they thought.
"Sweet Din, what does he EAT? He rattles off those farts like machine- gun fire!" Vaati hissed.
Shadow jumped a mile. "YEAH! HE FARTS LIKE A CANNON!"
The author leaned back in her chair as she re- read her fanfic. Stroking her chin, she pondered upon whether the humour was leaning a little too much towards "toilet humour" for her liking. Maybe she should do some jokes about finance or something.
"Putting fiscal responsibility before economic policy is like putting the cart before the horse." Shadow announced.
Vaati roared with laughter.
The author sighed. Maybe not.
An hour later, Ganondorf once again summoned everyone within the immediate vicinity to return to him, deciding that they had had ample time to think of a poem. He wriggled eagerly from his position on the floor- yup, he was still too lazy to actually get up- as he wondered what praise his minions had written for him.
A gaggle of Gerudos walked up, each nervously clutching a piece of paper. They lined up before their leader, exchanging worried glances as they twisted the sheets in their hands. Ganondorf was notorious for his ruthlessness- if there was anything he didn't like, he would have the unlucky person who wrote it burnt to death at the stake. He had almost done it before with his own mothers when he was five years old... but how were they to know he didn't like the Cow and Gate food? He had been a pretty difficult child anyway, but that event had taken the cake somewhat. Ganon's relationship with his parents had never really recovered, as one could see from the events in Goron City.
Shadow was the next to saunter up, baseless confidence oozing from every pore. Vaati followed him, rereading their poem with a concerned look on his face. He was right to be worried. Besides the two lines they had already written, the paper still remained stubbornly blank. For all their intelligence, Vaati and Shadow had nil points for creativity. Was it too much to hope that Ganon would be merciful?
There were small tapping sounds from behind them as more Gerudo lined up, face veils fluttering in the refreshing wind that was blowing across the desert. They, too, bowed their heads, refusing to meet eachother's eyes. Some scraped their shoes across the ground tensely- some stood rigid and silent. The nervousness was palpable from everybody there except Shadow.
Ganondorf glanced up, raising a hand to shield his eyes from the sun. He noted with pleasure that everybody was present.
"Okay, then- Yasa, you go first!" he announced, pointing at the hapless guard at random.
Yasa gulped, stepped forward, and unfolded her paper.
"I am a guard of Gerudo Fortress
I guard it day and night
I stamp back and forth and back and forth
Until my head feels light.
I guard my master Ganon
Who watches from his lair
I wonder if he sees me
Or if he even cares.
My master is a villian
The worst there's ever been
He can't stand Hyrule when there's peace
When all the world's serene.
He tears up every city
That dares to cross his way
With one swipe the castle guards
Lie dead upon the clay. (What clay?)
The world he renders useless
His power's beyond compare
I wonder if he sees his guards
Or if he even cares.
The End."
Ganon looked confused. "No, I don't care. Next! Taka!"
A middle- aged woman coughed and stepped forward.
"Here in the desert, one would think there would be peace.
The tracks of heroes long ago are stubborn as they refuse to fade
From the sand I walk.
There is no water here, and the illusion of an oasis disappears when you look.
Where is this child in green
That is said to come to those in trouble?
Is it just a legend,
Told by mothers to their children half- asleep in musty darkness?
Do they believe it themselves?
What is this tale that spans ages
Retold and retold, each version a little different to the last?
The floating city in the sky, does it exist,
Or is it just a mirage?
An illusion, like an oasis of hope, of the child in green, and you watch as he falls
But he never quite reaches Earth. Never quite reaches those who need him.
There is no hope here in the desert.
Just the shining beacon of darkness
Sweet Lord Ganondorf."
Ganon rolled his eyes. "Darkness doesn't shine. Next! Vaati!"
Vaati stepped forward. "I, um, co- wrote this with Shadow, Master."
Shadow unfolded the piece of paper, grinning broadly.
"I don't like Gannon
He farts like a cannon.
The End."
There was an awkward silence. Ganondorf's face seemed unsure as to what to do with itself, contorting through a collection of various expressions before finally deciding on "You're DEAD."
"Well, we were going to expand on it, but we couldn't really think of anything else..." Vaati muttered in a desperate attempt to save their skins.
_
It didn't work. Shadow and Vaati hung by their wrists in a damp, smoky chamber illuminated only by the brief flashes of lightning from outside. With somewhere as humid as the desert, storms were to be expected towards early evening and night. The rain beat an incessant pattern on the roof, painted an ominous black to allow as little light in as possible. The room was bare, completely empty save for the grey iron shackles that now held the two sorcerers' wrists in a tight grip. It was completely silence- there was no dripping pipes commonly found in dungeons of this sort, nor was there any sign of life in the cracks and nooks of the walls. It was unnerving, to say the least.
Shadow looked around frantically for some sort of grating or weakness. From what he could see in the limited light, there was absolutely nothing. This was to be expected from a Gerudo stronghold designed to hold the worst criminals from the world forever, of course, but he still couldn't help feeling slightly disappointed at the lack of a Zelda- esque puzzle to figure out. Still, he reflected sullenly, he wasn't a proper Link, so he didn't have all those fancy bombs and arrows the REAL incarnations had. This gave him an idea, futile as it seemed. Was there any way they could contact Vio while they were in here...? The Links always had a way to get in, or out, of the hardest dungeon. Vio could find a way into this place and smuggle them out with him. He was a Link. A proper one. And through over 25 years of Zelda, Link had always found a way.
But until they, Kuroi as they were, could find a way to get Vio over, they were stuck. He glanced over at Vaati, who was looking rather annoyed.
"Master, ya'll alright?" he asked.
"Of course I'm alright, Shadow. I'm chained in a dungeon with no hope of escape." came the sarcastic reply.
"Yeah, I see your point. But I am too, so let's be positive. I was thinkin', could we get a hold of Vio? He could bust us outta here, no probs!"
"How could we get hold of him, though? This is a very well- maintained stronghold. It seems we would need some form of telepathic communication."
Shadow fell into deep thought. "The Mirror?"
"Unfortunately not. The Mirror is only to be used for interdimensional travel and viewing. Telepathy may shatter it. Oh...! I know!"
Shadow obediently kept quiet as Vaati mulled over his idea, brow furrowed with concentration. He closed his eyes, and whispered a spell in a language only he understood.
There was a loud POP! and a Tingle Tuner appeared in mid- air. With great concentration, Vaati made it float nearer to him. Using his nose, he managed to switch it on and press a couple of buttons on it.
Vio jerked awake as the Tingle Tuner which he kept in his back pocket began to ring. After teleporting back from his inadvertent trip to Gran Canaria, he had become inexplicably jetlagged and had returned to him and Shadow's room for a quick nap. However, his rest was soon interrupted by his incessant ringtone- a burpy, sweary recital of "The Blue Danube", courtesy of Shadow.
He pressed the "Take Call" button and held the phone to his pointed ear, rubbing his eyes. "Yes? Who is it?"
"It's Vaati and Shadow Link." came Vaati's feminine voice from the other side. "You may remember that, um, furore over the hymn we wrote about Ganondorf."
Vio snorted. "I heard. Not much of a hymn, was it?"
"It was just as good as any of the others!" came the offended reply. "It was just a little shorter! Me and Shadow aren't poets, you know!
Anyway, we're being held in the dungeons under the ground. Since you're a Link and you're trained for this, could you possibly come down here and bust us out? We'll give you cookies!"
"Be right there!" Vio yelled, and hung up. He grabbed his sword, shield, clawshot/ hookshot, bow and arrows, four empty bottles, horse call, Wind Waker, et cetera and hobbled out of the room, laden with the weight.
He made his way down the hallways, lit blearily by candles attached to the wall. Although he should have been used to snooping down deserted corridors by now, having infiltrated Hyrule Castle several times in the past, he still found himself jumping at every little noise he heard. Shadows flitted across the wall even though there was nobody there, and the candlelights flickered sometimes as if the wind from somebody's passing had disturbed their eerie light. The humming of the primitive machinery that was the mainstay of the Zelda series provided some small comfort, as if dimming the sound of his reluctant footsteps as he crept down the hall like a frightened kitten. His shadow cast a blackened slash across the walls that frightened him immeasurably whenever he glanced behind him. He wished he had thought to take his lantern.
He made his way down a twisting corridor of stairs, rotating around a cylindrical brickwork tunnel. He was going down into the dungeons now, and the humming sound of the machinery gradually died away until eventually, there was silence. One last candle bade him a flickering goodbye before he was alone in silence and darkness. "To be frank, I didn't ask for this." he muttered, turning on the Tingle Tuner (which inspired the first ever mobile phone, and things got steadily worse from there) and using the feeble light from the screen as a torch. He half- expected to have to take massive care on these steps, tensing each time he put his foot down lest he end up on a crumbling step, and tumble to his doom. Surprisingly, they were very well- maintained and much cleaner than the Shiroi fortresses.
Down in the dungeons, Shadow and Vaati were getting impatient.
"D' ya reckon he'd hear if I screamed at the top of my lungs?" Shadow asked Vaati, who glared at him.
"He may not, but I certainly will. And if I get a headache bigger than I have right now, I think I may pass out." he replied. "You have a headache, Master?"
"Yeah. There's plaster or something falling on my head. Constantly."
Just as the mage finished this sentence, there was a yell of "LOOK OUT BELOW!" above them. The two instinctively whipped their heads to the side as a loud bang echoed throughout the room, before an even louder CRACK emanating from the spot above Vaati's head caused them to look up cautiously. This was a bad thing to do, as just half a second later Vio plunged through the roof and landed right on top of Vaati, who burst into a flurry of curses and blasted him across the room.
Shadow looked impressed as his friend staggered to his feet. "Whoa, Master, ya didn't even move!"
"Well, my movement is rather limited, seeing as I'm in chains." Vaati replied.
"Reasonable enough."
Vio glared at the two. "That was hardly a way to repay me, was it? I came down here to rescue you!"
"Well, you took me by surprise." Vaati said evenly. "Would you have reacted any differently?"
Vio paused. Probably not.
He did not say this out loud, however. He made his way over to the two, examining the chains that held them forensically. He poked them, sniffed them, blew on them, and licked them. Then, he stepped back and thought deeply.
Shadow and Vaati waited eagerly for his decision. "Come on Vio, make your mind up. It's ten to one in the morning and I need a poo!" Shadow snapped.
This certainly spurred Vio on. Shadow was not a nice person when he needed a poo and would most probably drop a ton of bricks on his head if he did not hurry. He rummaged in his never- ending pockets hurriedly and pulled out a bomb.
"For my first course of action, I shall attempt to bomb us out of here! Cover your mouths and noses, please!" he announced pompously.
Vaati was about to ask him exactly how they were supposed to do this when they were hanging from their arms, but the opportunity did not arise in time. Vio took the classic Link- stance, legs wide apart (in the classic "please kick me in the groin" position) and arms far above his head as he searched for a place to throw the bomb. Scanning the walls, he could not find any obvious weaknesses. He decided the best course of action would be to test any suspicious cracks with his sword first.
Placing the ticking bomb on the floor- much to Shadow and Vaati's worry- he drew out his sword with a loud SHING and proceeded to tap every square inch of the walls. He listened carefully to the sound the blade made as it hit against the brickwork- however, all it returned was a strong- sounding CHING CHING CHINK rather than the "tink" he was looking for. Slightly disappointed, he sheathed his sword and returned to his original plan of action- "Huh?"
He stood in the middle of the room, brow creased in confusion. "Where'd the bomb go? I put it right here, I swear..."
"It went off, ya jerk." Shadow hissed. Both him and Vaati's clothes were stained a dusty black from dust and general bomb debris. Neither of them looked happy.
Vio gulped, realising the consequences of his rare lapse of judgement. He surmised that when Shadow and his deadpan master were freed, they would ensure he was aware of how irked they were at him. This was one of the drawbacks of dealing with Kuroi- unlike the Shiroi, they were not quick to forgive and forget.
He stepped back and pulled another bomb out of his pouch. "Let's just try that again, huh?"
He placed it at some random spot on the wall and crossed his fingers.
Vaati closed his eyes and prayed for either this chapter or his life to have a quick and painless ending.
With a rather deafening KA- BLOOOOIE!, the bomb blew a considerable hole in the wall. The dust settled quickly, and Vio stepped forward through the clouds to have a look at the pathway it had opened. Rather handily, it was a secret exit all the way to the top of the fortress.
(A/N: Ka- blooooie? Jeez, my sound effects really need to get more sophisticated).
Shadow and Vaati watched this with some trepidation. This was an unnatural direction for the story to progress- was there perhaps a hidden trapdoor halfway along the pathway, ready to spring a nasty shock on the three of them as they made their escape?
They had no time to think about this, however, as Vio procured a Small Key from his belt and unlocked the chains that held them. They fell to the floor, and were immediately pulled towards the exit.
Meanwhile, Dark was still negotiating with the rabbit.
"Why am I even here?" he complained.
"That's a philosophical question to ask, my sweet." it replied.
"I didn't mean it like that, you stupid jerk! I need to get out to take revenge on Shadow Link for replacing me as the fanbase's villain of choice!"
"And how do you plan to do that, my ickle pudding pie?"
"By KILLING HIM! TO DEATH! And I've got a very limited amount of chapters left to do it in!"
"You do that. But you've got to move through my digestive tract first."
"Oh..." The groan emanated from deep inside the rabbit's stomach.
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Yes, we are nearing the end. But it's not over yet... Hmm hmmm! I'm not even going to spoil whether things get any better, but of course knowing Ganondorf they won't!
MENTIONS!
Swamp Dragon Princess: Welcome welcome welcome! Let's all hope Dark can escape before it's too late and he misses the final chapter! That would be a shame. Still haven't done those edits, URGH. I WILL get around to it. Reading last chapter back, I even confused myself... Thank goodness I have reviewers like you!
By the by, if anyone else is interested (because I know I haven't gone into much detail about this), Vaati's paperwork consists of two distinct types. First, there's the type he sets himself, i.e writing apology forms to the many people and organisations Ganondorf's managed to offend throughout this story, and generally trying to sort things out via the medium of paper and ink after Ganny's mucked up again. Secondly, there's the paperwork Ganny sets him. This consists of inane questions like: "Why is Ganondorf the most awesome villain in the world?" "Which do you think would be the most appropriate title for Ganondorf- Lord, Master, O Holy One, O Perfection, O Saviour, or Epitome of Brilliance in Every Way?" "Why are you so stupid compared to Ganondorf? Tick three boxes."
Stuff like that. An interesting question though and one that I hadn't really considered! Shame on me, not knowing all the details of my own story...
SoulXSilverII: Yes, it brought a tear to my eye too. I should write an entire chapter dedicated solely to Ganon's poetic efforts, I'm sure it would be the most moving experience you have ever had. What is he doing, wasting his time with fools like Vaati and Shadow?
SpiritofSilverWater: Neither can I. I don't know how the guy does it! But thank you very much! So encouraging ^^ I was, once again, considering updating this on Wednesday since it was updated quite late today. But my modem kept disconnecting, and I have no idea why! And I didn't want a repeat of the three- hour episode from last chapter... Sorry! One day I will do it for you!
In fact, guys: If there is a case where a chapter is going to be updated particularly late (ie, around eleven at night or something) would you want it updated on Wednesday instead? Or do you not have a preference? Just to make things better for you 'cuz I'm so kind ;)
*gasp* Last chapter before Christmas! This means... Chapter 18 (or Chapter 19 if you believe the drop- down box which counts the filler poetry as well) will be up on Boxing Day! What on earth could I possibly write to bring myself out of a cholesterol coma...?