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Yaaay, bonus Christmas chapter! Next chapter will be up on the 26th, Internet connection permitting. (Some things never change, huh?)
Hope you all enjoy!
I wasn't actually going to write this, buuuuuuut... what the heck! I wrote it in an hour!
More dialup bashing in this chapter. I bet you're sick of me whinging about it now... You're free to skip the sections featuring me!
Posted on behalf of SpiritofSilverWater, who to be fair has been asking me to update faster for a while. Here's an early update for you! =)
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Bonus Chapter: Christmas Stinks!
"VAAAAATI! VAAAAATI! GET UUUUPPPPPPPPPPP!"
"Why on earth should I get up, Shadow?" Vaati hissed, not even bothering to sit up. He had been asleep on the floor, having fallen out of bed during a particularly bad dream about one of his scientific theories getting rejected.
"Due to the Goddesses being hungover, it's [CENSORED] Christmas!" Shadow whooped.
"Hyrule's main religion isn't Christian, so technically we shouldn't have-"
"Listen, it's to correspond to the current season in the real world!"
"What's the real world?"
His existential-paradox-creating question was never answered as Shadow grabbed him by the leg and lugged him across the room. Vaati obstinately dug his fingernails in, and they made a horrible screeching sound as they tore up the flooring.
"Shadow Link, please!" he yelled. "Let me go back to sleep! I'm hoping my dream will alter for the better!"
"Well, dreams are supposed to reflect life." came a calm voice. Vio strode into the room, carrying a perfectly wrapped present. "Has your life improved in any way, Vaati?"
"No, no, Vio!" Shadow screamed, seeing the mage's lip wobble. "Don't make him [CENSORED] cry at Christmas! Who's the present for?"
"You, Shadow!"
Vaati flew out of the room, covering his ears, as his minion erupted into an enthusiastic screaming fit over a cheesy bobble hat. Several times he staggered into walls in his bleary, half- awake state, at one point causing a chandelier to crash down far too close to his head. At one point he passed Dampe, who seemed to think he was the Ghost of Christmas Future from A Christmas Carol and took the time to inform Vaati that he would die "miserable, and young". He also staggered past the Mirror, who greeted him with an inappropriately cheerful rendition of "Do They Know It's Christmas?" and the author giving an inappropriately miserable rendition of "All I Want For Christmas Is Broadband".
"JUST CUT IT OUT WITH THE MODEM, FOR GOD'S SAKE!" he yelled.
"Would you just let me whinge about it? I had to actually GO SHOPPING to buy your presents because I CAN'T SHOP ONLINE WITH DIALUP!" the author howled.
"Shut up, stupid person!" A sadly all-too-familiar voice drowned out Cortex's tantrum. A shadow fell over the mage as his heart sunk very deeply, and very rapidly.
"Good morning, Master. And how are you?"
"Why has a tree grown in my room? Get rid of it!"
"A... tree?"
Vaati inspected the plant with concern. Of course, it hadn't actually grown in Ganondorf's room- it was obviously in a pot. However, he didn't fancy explaining this to his master, who he knew wouldn't understand it anyway. He had to admit the tree was very pretty- although the decor didn't suit the darkness and gloomy atmosphere of the room, it did bring a beautiful light to every corner and was done expertly. He guessed whoever decorated it wasn't called "Shadow Link".
"Well?" Ganondorf yelled. "Are you just going to stand there and STARE at it?"
"There are presents underneath it for you, Master." Vaati announced, noticing the glint of wrapping paper. This was all it took for Ganon to fling himself on the floor, screeching with excitement, and roll around in the pile of boxes like an overenthusiastic dog.
"HAHAAAAAA! I GOT PRESENTS! DID YOU GET ANY PRESENTS, VAATI? No, wait, I'LL answer that for you! NOOOO!"
Vaati stood and seethed as Ganon picked up the first present with an insufferably smug look on his face. Ganon's smile grew even bigger and even smugger as he held it out to the mage. "Would you do me the honours, O stupid one? Open my present!"
Vaati reached out.
"NOPE! With your feet!"
This was the scene that Shadow and Vio burst into. Vio had been forced into a Christmas costume from Shadow's Year 3 Christmas play, and was walking with his legs splayed and his arms stuck out to the side as if he had been forced into a permanent star jump. Shadow had completely stripped off and was wearing his tunic as a scarf. The bobble hat he had recieved from Vio was perched jauntily on top of his head in place of his trademark cap.
"Why... on earth...?" Vio asked, seeing Vaati lying on his back and scraping the wrapping off Ganny's present miserably.
"You look so [CENSORED] stupid! I wish we still had that camcorder!" Shadow whooped.
"You look stupid too, don't worry. Why are you naked?" Ganon asked.
"To bring attention to Vio's lovely bobble hat for me! Since it's supposed to be winter an' all!"
"But it's the middle of summer!"
"Good inference for once, Master! But the seasons here are completely disrupted!"
"Never... I didn't even realise that."
The final piece of wrapping finally fluttered to the ground. Ganon held his present up in the traditional "Item Get" position, before realising what it was.
"...Huh? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"What's wrong?"
"MY LETTER FROM MENSA! I WAS REJECTED! WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
"...Uh... You applied for Mensa?" Vaati asked, a grin spreading across his face before he could stop it.
"Yes! Of course I did! But my IQ is over 150 points too low!" He suddenly recovered, and stood up before them with a fierce glare in his eyes. "But it isn't really! They just can't take how INTELLIGENT I am! I probably outclever all of them and they're just JEALOUS!"
"There's a present for you and Shadow under the tree as well." Vio pointed out over Ganondorf's loud gloating. "I'll go and get dinner ready!"
Shadow got there first, kicking Vaati into the wall and snatching up both of their presents. Ripping his open, he stopped. And glared.
And glared.
And glared.
And glared.
"IS THIS SOMEONE'S [CENSORED] IDEA OF A [CENSORED] [CENSORED] JOKE?!" he screamed.
In his hands, he held a brand- new swear jar.
Vaati's howls of mirth were quickly silenced when said jar was smashed very hard over his head. Much to Shadow's horror, however, it simply reformed and several Rupees flew out of his pocket.
"[CENSORED]! GIVE MY [CENSORED] MONEY BACK!" he yelled, leaping over Vaati and chasing it around the room (it seemed to have developed wings). Two more Rupees shot out of his tunic pocket, smacking him in the face as they flew by. "I'm not even wearing my [CENS]- blinking tunic, for goodness' sake! Oh, [CENSORED]! You can't take HALF a Rupee off me for "blinking"! [CENSORED] AND ANOTHER ONE?! OH, [CENSOOOOORRRREEEEDDDDDD!]"
"You really aren't getting the hang of this, are you?" Vaati snorted.
"How about you just open your present to progress the story a little?" the author asked boredly, thumping her modem and wearing a Christmas hat. "C'mon, I intended this to be shorter than the other chapters..."
Vaati hissed at her, but dutifully opened his present anyway.
His face fell.
"Ha ha ha." he said tonelessly. "Hilarious."
Shadow looked over his shoulder. "WAAAAHHHH HA [CENSORED] HAAAA! VIAGRA AND RIBENA! PFFFFT HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!"
Shadow, Vaati, and Ganny (who had zoned out somewhat) departed for dinner. The smell of turkey guided them to outside, where Vio was cooking over an open fire.
The purple Link quickly sprayed a bit more of Eau de Turkey around before they came into view to hide the fact that the bird wasn't exactly cooked. He handed out plastic plates and utensils, and the Kuroi gathered around the fire in a scene eerily reminiscent to the positions they had been in when they had eaten Red. Except, of course, Ganondorf hadn't run away. Yet.
They ate in silence as Vio cut up the turkey (Vaati was slightly concerned at the amount of trouble he seemed to have doing this, but decided not to say anything).
"Um... did Dark Link get anything?" Vio asked. "I mean, it was nice of the author to give me that framed photo of the final moments of all my comrades, but... I'm interested to see what she got for Dark."
Shadow's hackles rose.
Far, far away, a present was forced down the rabbit's gullet. This was not an easy task for Ghirahim, who had dedicated his entire day to this and had only just succeeded.
"I need a pay rise." he hissed as he was winched out of said animal's throat at long last. "I want 25% of Shadow's swear jar!"
Dark was more than surprised to see a neatly wrapped box land in his lap. He opened it with a slight pang of worry- was this a booby trap from Shadow? He wouldn't put it past the boy.
He pulled out a small packet from the box and held it up.
And closed his eyes in despair.
The packet read:
EMETIC TABLETS
FOR QUICK ESCAPES FROM DIGESTIVE SYSTEMS
"Are you okay down there, my darling?" The rabbit's voice echoed around him.
Dark's miniscule heart gave a beat and he slipped it into his tunic pocket. "Yup..." he called. I'll wait until next chapter. It's Christmas, after all, according to the calendar I've pinned to this rabbit's stomach lining...
THE SAME NIGHT
"Master Vaati..."
"What is it, Shadow?"
"Do you feel kinda ill?"
"Don't remind me of it, Shadow..."
The sound of running footsteps and heavy vomiting could be heard from outside Vaati's room. Shadow and Vio were slumped outside the mage's door, clutching their rumbling stomachs as Ganondorf's heaves echoed through the fortress.
"You didn't cook that turkey properly, didcha?" Shadow moaned, dropping to his knees.
"No. But at least I'm suffering as well." Vio whimpered.
That night did not go quickly.
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Aaaaand there we are!
Anyway, happy holidays to everyone! May Christmas spirit imbue you all and your days be a lot happier than Vaati, Shadow and Ganondorf's! MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL OF YOU LOVELY LOT!
Mentions will be done next chapter because I'm soooooo organised (haha, sarcasm). But I hope my new follower, kdldvs, enjoyed this! You will get a proper mention next chapter, of course ;)
I promise, no more new chapters until after Christmas! Give you all a break from me ^^
I'll probably be on a break Christmas Eve/Day, so sorry if I don't reply to any PMs for a while! I will eventually!
Farewell!
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